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Post by RumRunner on Apr 8, 2016 11:48:40 GMT -5
I saw my therapist this week and we were talking about control again. I’m not sure why, but I never saw my STBX as controlling. Part of it was that he was very good at disguising it – he was the youngest of three and the only boy and he learned how to get his way from an early age without being loud or obnoxious about it. His mother would never have put up with him throwing a fit so he learned how to just be quietly stubborn until people gave in. Our entire relationship, people perceived him as the “easy-going” one, but the truth of the matter is that it was always me who was agreeable. I can’t think of a single time when I wanted to do something different from what he wanted and ended up getting my way. He projects a persona of easy to get along with and relaxed. Honestly, it was one of the things I found attractive about him. It took years for me to realize that he always, always gets his way. My divorcing him has brought his control issues out into the light. There’s no hiding what he’s doing now – anyone I talk to uses the words “control freak” to describe him. It made me wonder if control issues are common among refusers. Looking through many of the stories here, it seems like a large percentage of refusers have control issues beyond the sexual ones. I also wonder if a lot of them are/were skilled at hiding those control issues. Maybe it seems obvious that a person willing to hurt their partner by withholding sex has control issues, but I always thought it was an intimacy issue, not a control one. I thought the sexlessness was about him not wanting to be touched (by me anyway) and not wanting to let me in emotionally. It’s taken years and putting a little distance between us for me to see that in my case at least, he has a huge issue with control. No wonder he’s freaking out now that I’m stepping out from under it. I do think that most has controlling issues, and are narcissistic. Not all.... My wife is not the least bit controlling, but just refuses sex because she is not interested, has no drive.
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 8, 2016 1:19:01 GMT -5
A devastating statement while in the middle of intercourse..... "Do you think it will rain today?" If that doesn't kill the moment, I don't know what does.
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 8, 2016 0:30:25 GMT -5
So true!
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 8, 2016 0:09:48 GMT -5
I try to text responses as quick as possible. But when i type what i want to say, i have to look at what i typed because it may look like I am either typing it in greek or the autocorrect will change what I am saying all together. An efficient texter I am not, so my delayed messages are because I proofread what i type. I would much rather talk on the phone than text.
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 7, 2016 7:53:23 GMT -5
I think that I like this site better than EP - the "Know it all's" that would pop in and suggest candles and whatnot are not here. I remember getting attacked there by a woman who's husband was screwing around and somehow it was my fault. The folks that are here are the ones that contributed and were of real help on EP. I am glad to hear that the "D" pics are not a problem here. I have never gotten a "P" pic - and I am not a gynecologist - but, I'll take a look! I have been attacked too on EP, so I know exactly where you are coming from! Its' funny how someone in their early 20s already knows everything about life! It amazes me just how ignorant some people are on there.... Yes I like this site sooooo much better! BTW, I love your profile pic! lol
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 6, 2016 22:31:04 GMT -5
A while back, I had a fwb who was very special to me. More a friend then the benefit part. Anyway, we stayed in touch after the benefit part ended. I spoke to her last week. I found out today she suddenly passed away. I'm heartbroken. I lost a friend that I cannot grieve for. I cannot talk to her daughter (an adult)and tell her what her Mother did for me and what she meant to me. I have no one to express my sadness to or even a way to pay my respects. I am just using this board to shout out at the universe that she is in my heart and I will remember her. Fondly and with love. Fran, your smile lit my heart. Your touch warmed me, and your laugh brightened my soul. I am so sorry for your loss..... She must have been a very beautiful soul!
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 6, 2016 22:27:33 GMT -5
I hope to win the lottery....... I think the odds of winning the lottery or having a healthy sexual relationship are about the same! There does come a time where hope runs out and you have to think rationally about the situation. I hope that makes sense....
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 6, 2016 22:17:10 GMT -5
Kind of a vague and difficult question: Are your first assumptions for the situation the ethnic difference? Or have you searched for reasons, including this one, and settled on this one? Just curious and looking for more information is all, not being too forward I hope. My husband is a bit racist. And he's made lots of back handed comments like that on and off throughout the marriage. he says I'm racist. Like I said he's very racist and can't get over a lot of stuff. Hes in denial. I'm not searching for it. It came up shortly after we got married but he played it off as a cultural difference. If your husband cannot accept you for who you are, then you really are better off without him. This goes beyond that of a SM, but deeper issues of discrimination due to race and culture. To love someone, is to love that person for who they are; race and origin should have nothing to do with it. IMHO
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 6, 2016 22:00:10 GMT -5
Being sexually lonely, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, is very difficult to cope with, especially if you have sought relief from the situation outside the marriage and have had no luck there either. I'd be interested to hear from other people how they cope not just with the lack of skin to skin contact with another person but also the sense of hopelessness that it may never happen, which in some ways is even harder. I can relate to this. I tried to seek a relationship outside of marriage but that quickly ended before it even really got started. I am convinced that it will never happen and truthfully it is not meant to be. So to that end, I try not to think about it and concentrate heavily on my hobbies. Being creative allows me to escape sometimes.....
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 6, 2016 21:45:57 GMT -5
I like your thoughts here.... and I agree with you. Leaving is so hard to do, but so is staying.
In my situation, I do think I have fault. I have made many mistakes in the last 30 years of marriage, but perhaps the biggest mistake was getting married to begin with.
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 5, 2016 22:27:17 GMT -5
EP Allie posts A note of contrition Now that she sees She shares our condition.
Funny how "EP Allie" is putting out the word that this site exists by posting messages in other EP groups.
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 4, 2016 20:36:31 GMT -5
SmartKat - This is sooooo well written. You have without intention described many of the things that I have gone through myself in my marriage. As I read through this, familiarity sunk in!
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 4, 2016 19:57:26 GMT -5
Yes. There were good days. That's what makes it so very difficult. I think there are a few exceptions - a few people whose spouses were just all-around rotten marriage partners. Maybe they were stupid and irresponsible about money; or just mean and nasty. But I believe many of us - if not most of us - didn't have a spouse who was so bad about everything that leaving was a no-brainer. Most of our spouses had something good - kindness, intelligence, good sense of humor - something that made them likable. Bazzar always said that "all is great bar the sex," is a myth - it's an example of us being in denial about how bad the marriage really is. And on the whole, I agree with that - I agree that usually, something is wrong in the marriage, in addition to the sex. But I always added this piece to Baz's maxim: "No, it's not 'all is great bar the sex.' But the sex made it a lot easier to live with the other problems." Good, frequent sex can make up for a lot, IMHO. I agree, but most importantly is the feeling of being loved and desired, and what better way is to show it through good and frequent sex!
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 4, 2016 19:54:48 GMT -5
Did you have good days even near the end? Today's a good day. I'm just happy and somewhat content. This happens every once and a while and it messes with my head. Just last week I had a day that made me want to hop in the car and leave. Then just a week later, today happens. I feel like there are good things for me here. There's no sex. No physical affection. No love for my wife beyond friendship. Yet, there's still good things. I know that sounds messed up but there are things about this situation that I stand to lose. It makes it tough to be confident. This sounds perfectly normal to me.... Just because you have some good days doesn't mean that the issues in your marriage go away. It's the issues such as no sex, no intimacy, no love that is weighing heavily. What you have is only friendship and no more. This is the sad place that most of us falls into.
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 4, 2016 15:26:41 GMT -5
You sound normal to me too... Congratulations on moving forward. Keep your own happiness in sight and don't look back!
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