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Post by RumRunner on Apr 23, 2016 19:45:59 GMT -5
I will never understand why some people show no empathy to those that kill themselves. My brother had killed himself, and my other brother said he will never forgive him because of what he did was selfish. I also had a coworker kill himself, and other coworkers made ugly remarks because of his weakness, called him a coward. I will never understand why some people are so cold-hearted. Perhaps these are the people that contribute to the suicide rate, the narcissism and coldness of society that destroys the more sensitive people out there.
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 23, 2016 19:25:25 GMT -5
Just for conversation, let's say we were together, and I showed you a nude pick of a sexual act. I say," I would like you to think about doing this sometime?" Does that come across as passive/aggressive or taking the lead? My thoughts: that is taking the lead. I have just put myself up for the chance of rejection, manipulation, and disappointment.It's asking in a manor that is respectful not selfish. It opens up conversation such as: This is something I want, would you want that too? Would you do it anyways and possibly like it? Would you do it because I like it? Can we trade off, is there something you would like that I wouldn't, but I would do it for you? Doesn't this relate to communication in general? And in many aspects of a relationship? Compare this to telling your spouse, " we will be doing this, at such and such a time!" I see" passive" as much more respectful, and caring. Compared to someone who, " makes decisions, takes charge, takes the lead, and manipulates to keep their way! Hope I worded this well, that it is not to deep. It is something to ponder for the future. PS. My wife would use this as a crutch to never have sex because I cheated by looking at porn,..ever! (" I would like you to think about doing this sometime?") I would get a questionable sounding, " okay" answer, or a blank stare. Then nothing would ever happen. typical manipulative controller. I would think that this is what you would call communication. Your partner can say no if they want, (most likely my wife would say no) it isn't as if you said "this is what you are going to do." But you are simply stating something that you would like. Besides that to answer you question, I would say you would definitely be taking the lead, because you are leading in the conversation to try something different. If looking at porn is cheating, then I am in deep doo doo for sure! lol
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 23, 2016 19:13:48 GMT -5
Thank you everyone for your support and understanding. I do get very frustrated and it seems that the happiness I want is way out of reach. I don't think that there is a good solution to this situation.
Thanks again everyone....
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 22, 2016 9:48:53 GMT -5
To dream is to be unrealistic. To hope for something better in life is a dream, a fantasy. So why dream in the first place if you will only to be disappointed? My whole married life has been a disappointment. So why do I feel so ashamed? Maybe sex is a dirty little deed that I need to remove from my screwed up little head. I think that maybe I have expected too much from a partner. I know I probably should resign to my fate and live this celibate life to the death because I don’t see any hope of this ever changing. After 30 years, I think I am too screwed up to change anything anyway. I know I probably shouldn't have written this, but just wanted to get it out. I am very very sorry for the rant, today is a bad day for me.
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 22, 2016 9:13:48 GMT -5
I've been married to an asexual for sooooooo looooong I can't remember being single. Just found this board. Not so much looking for "kindred spirits" as just a place to rant. sorry..................
What is it that prevents us from just leaving ?? Love Corny, huh ? BUT, as Charlie Brown said while looking up the chimney before Christmas: "Hard to believe that fat guy gets down there with that big bag..................................(loudly): BUT I BELIEVE !"
Bad morning. Threw the dice and snake-eyed again. Even when she "submits", after completing the act I feel like a child molester. (She's well over 60....) Been this way for our whole marriage (well over 30 years). To the casual observer, our marriage is really great; if they only knew.
If an opportunity for an affair cropped up I'd give it such serious consideration, but then again, my confidence level is somewhere below whale poop, and as you know, that's the lowest thing on the planet.
OK pity pot stored for the remainder.
Hope your day is better than mine but if not remember; things change (or do they ?)
Love, Fred
You are NOT alone!!!! I am in an almost identical place!
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 21, 2016 22:44:28 GMT -5
I avoid the homestead too.... I have thought about going to the beach tonight, it is a full moon after all and I would be all alone with my camera. But instead I decided to look through here.
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 21, 2016 22:39:23 GMT -5
That must mean you are happy and she is not....... lol That must mean you are doing something right... You know, I am. I was thinking about this the other day. Since letting go, albeit emotionally of the marriage, I feel good. And I am fortunate to have an AP who is mostly sane (because who truly is 100% sane?) and truly enhances my life. Then that make the both of you very lucky indeed!!!
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 21, 2016 22:36:29 GMT -5
Couples therapy is notorious for its lack of statistical success. I think the witch doctor boasts a higher success rate. I do agree with that!!!!! Who needs a therapist to tell YOU what you are doing wrong when it is your spouse that has the problem! pffft
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 21, 2016 22:30:52 GMT -5
Maybe not a slut, but a saucy minx! She was bitter that I'm getting some and she's not. ((Ducking. I'm sorry. This is the wrong forum to brag. That said, I am a cheater, so...)) That must mean you are happy and she is not....... lol That must mean you are doing something right...
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 18, 2016 21:11:20 GMT -5
Thanks for that. I need to learn to cope I think. I just feel so worthless. I understand how you feel, but know it is your spouse who really is the one who has the problem. It isn't you. Unfortunately, it affects you so it is your problem too. The real issue is what to do about it. Most people here have read some of the stories posted by bazzar on EP. I have always enjoyed reading his stories and he seemed to be a very well respected member of the group. Maybe some of his stories could be a little helpful to you, here is one of them that I liked.... www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/7533007Welcome, and I hope you find what you are looking for. This is a very difficult place to be. Best wishes always...... RR
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 17, 2016 16:36:30 GMT -5
Why do Christians have to make everything so complicated? Everything is all about control. You put God in a book so you can control him. You use that book to control yourselves and others. If you can't have control, you deem that person lost and in need of saving. You want to save them so you can control them. So much damage is done that is justified by the need for control. I believe that I am a reasonable person. I am always questioning myself. I don't have perfect control over myself but I do have the ability to stop and listen to a voice of reason. Do I submit? No. But I do defer. Wow, I couldn't have said it better!
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 17, 2016 16:06:10 GMT -5
Seriously? You want to be in a relationship where the rule of thumb is in cases of doubt the man is always right? Why? ? I get that it saves time and energy but at what cost! That's how my family was growing up - Dad was always right, he always had to get his way about everything. That's why I tended to stay out of his way, if I ever wanted to have anything the way *I* wanted it. This is how I react to authoritarian people, especially men. I may "submit" outwardly, if they have managed to scare me, or convince me it's not worth the hassle to argue. But this is also how I learned to be very devious, sneaky, and underhanded. If you are going to impose negative consequences on me for being honest, then you don't get to bitch about it when you catch me lying or sneaking around. You can't have it both ways. I am willing to bet that dad wasn't always right, it was just that his word goes like it or not. I am so glad I wasn't raised that way!
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 17, 2016 15:54:59 GMT -5
That's not what the article, or Saul of Tarsus for that matter implies. The implication is that it should always be the man who leads and the woman who submits. Why? It could be regarded as a rule of thumb. Kinda like the rule that the Umpire is always right in a tennis match. It saves time and energy! Most things that save time and energy has a huge price tag to it. I could wash my camper myself for next to nothing or I could spend $250 to have someone else do it to save me time and energy. There is a cost, the price tag in this situation would be your freedom to think for yourself. I think that price tag is much greater than having someone else wash my camper! I do believe that anyone who submits completely to their spouse loses their own identity and becomes a slave of that person. I do not believe in slavery even in marriage, even for religious reasons. If one wants to do this, that's fine but when they find themselves in a bad situation they need to remember what got them there.
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 16, 2016 19:06:02 GMT -5
On another thread, mariposa43 mentioned: That is a new one on me. I have SO MANY QUESTIONS! (I'd prefer answers from people who've actually looked in to it or tried it. If you haven't and are "just guessing", please be clear about that.) Who else has heard of this? Is this sort of thing done by licensed talk therapists? Do they take insurance? Who else as tried this? Did it work out/was it helpful? How did it work? Did you have a regular "appointment", where you online-chatted? Or was it email-based? (And in that case... do they charge by the hour... or by the message... or by the length of the message?) If someone is interested in this, how would the find one? I've had good experiences with my various periods of individual (traditional, face-to-face) talk therapy, so I'm very "pro-therapy". But an online session is devoid of SO MANY physical cues (voice, posture, pauses, facial expressions), that it sounds like it would only be a portion of the effectiveness. Or am I just being "old fashioned" in my views on this? Sorry for taking so long to answer this! I've only recently started with this, and I know non-verbal cues are a concern. I just want to see how this works. I'm using Talkspace, and the therapist they gave me (I asked for a woman) actually was in a very similar situation herself--SM, only she didn't have kids and was in a different line of work. I gave them a lot of info up front, and she said that reading my story was just uncanny for her. So much of the same stuff. I have the option of using text, video message, or audio message. Right now I am opting for text simply because it's the most convenient for me. If I do a video or audio for her, I have to sneak away to do it. I do have unlimited access to her for a flat fee. I like that. I can get up while it's still dark and write to my heart's content, then read her response later. Right now the assignment I need to do for her is to write a practice letter to my refuser--practice letter for the talk where I tell him I am just done. I think someone may have asked if it's covered by insurance. Depends on your insurance. I am going to submit a claim and see, but it was an expense I'm willing to incur at this point. I gotta do what I gotta do. I am interested in how this goes. Keep us informed, please?
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Post by RumRunner on Apr 16, 2016 19:01:41 GMT -5
Food for thought on asking insurance to pay, if you don't have to... Years back, the first time I saw a therapist for this I went the insurance route. Years later, I applied for life insurance and it showed up in my history as a diagnosis code of "depression" (apparently, so the insurance company would pay). I had to go back to that therapist and get a bill of clean health or they wouldn't issue my policy. I've since learned that there's an insurance / medical database on you very similar to a credit report. Since then I opted to eat the cost of therapy myself instead of putting it on the record in order to get reimbursed. That's not an option for everyone, and shouldn't be a deterrent from getting help, just an awareness of how the system works. At a minimum, be informed of the diagnosis codes they are giving you to submit, and get a similar letter when you finish your therapy visits. This has always been a concern for me as well. I have always had a fear of a diagnosis of depression, because who knows what that impact maybe in the future. Records are supposed to be kept in confidentiality, but I have learned that confidentiality is not so confidential after all; especially when it comes to the insurance companies and the government. I could be worried for no reason, I don't know; but it's a risk I do not want to take.
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