|
Post by darktippedrose on Apr 6, 2016 14:55:47 GMT -5
Did you have good days even near the end? Today's a good day. I'm just happy and somewhat content. This happens every once and a while and it messes with my head. Just last week I had a day that made me want to hop in the car and leave. Then just a week later, today happens. I feel like there are good things for me here. There's no sex. No physical affection. No love for my wife beyond friendship. Yet, there's still good things. I know that sounds messed up but there are things about this situation that I stand to lose. It makes it tough to be confident. I have thought about this a lot. Yes, there were good days, in a sense. When my wife would spend HOURS looking at houses online, or working on preparations for her class, or when she would be talking to someone on the phone, those were good times. There were peaceful conversations when she would be talking about subjects that interested her. When she talked about things she wanted to do, or vacations she wanted to take, or how she wanted to spend money. Sometimes, she would be peaceful when she was watching something on TV that she liked, or doing something else that she wanted to do. It took me a while to admit it, and some of my family members have pointed it out, but it is obvious that the only good times happened when she was getting her way, or doing what she wanted to do. However, the minute she was not happy or things were not going the way she wanted, things got bad really fast. So to answer your question, there were "good" days. But in this sense, "good" only meant the times that she was peaceful. This did not happen often, and only happened on her terms. So I did not have the chance to do anything that I would like to do. My sister, to whom I am very close, has told me that I was obviously in an abusive relationship. It is hard to admit that as a man, I accepted abuse, but it is true. However, I did it to provide as much peace and stability for my daughters as I could. Now that they are both grown, there was no reason for me to stay. Sorry for the ramble. This is like me. except I'm still in it. the first 5 years of marriage were mostly ok. But those were the years when I REALLY didn't know I was being controlled and manipulated. He got things his way, but he didn't like those years. if I said one thing wrong, he'd leave for HOURS at a time. I'd be worried. I called the hospital and the jail, etc etc. Sometimes he'd be gone for a day, a day and a half. and he'd laugh at me. hes only happy when he's away from me and my kidz. He's never happy around as. At first those good times or "bread crumbs" would make me confused and feel guilty but not anymore. I know his meanness will come right around the corner.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Apr 6, 2016 14:46:14 GMT -5
yes, my body most definitely did change. after my kidz i started getting hormonal weight gains. no exercise could change it what so ever. Then when my refuser started cheating and had wanted another wife, I gained a lot of weight.
my weight has gone down and its gone up a lot now. more than I'd like to admit.
my great great aunt though is helping me with some vitamins to help with my energy and stamina. Basically, I'm so stressed that I have too much inflammation. so ..... soon I'l be taking turmeric with black pepper for inflammation and a crap load of B vitamins.
I have 3 kidz with autism and my husband doesn't help much with that.
So yes, stress from being ignored, stress from kidz, etc. I am hoping to turn my health around. Doctors have NOT been helping what so ever. Test after test after test showed nothing.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Apr 1, 2016 18:01:33 GMT -5
it sounds like that's just his go to excuse.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 31, 2016 18:36:17 GMT -5
I don't do any form of outsourcing. But I'm weary of men. I can't tell when someone is flirting with me. theres this funny look on their faces because I can't tell.
a lot of people think i'm innocent, or trying to be coy. Others think I'm virginal. Between 3 kidz with autism and my husband cutting off a lot of my outside sources to socialize - I'm awkward. I don't know how to socialize in real life very well. I'm shyer now than when I was a teenager.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 31, 2016 18:31:23 GMT -5
your husband could just be asexual. it does exist. that 3 week sex fest could have just been an anomaly.
I used to think everything was great ............ dun dun dun .......... bar the sex
telling someone that you aren't attracted to them, even "nicely" is still mean.
you know its gonna hurt them. I'm sorry but it sounds like he wanted the marriage life and you fit the bill.
I know it sounds mean. I know it sounds like I don't know how nice he is. I used to think that too about my husband before my eyes were really open.
thats just what i'm seeing.
And making you agree to not ask for sex anymore ~ sorry but thats a red flag right there.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 30, 2016 18:09:44 GMT -5
No, he's old and can't get it up without a blowjob now. We had a rather infuriating thread on EP not long ago about men who can't maintain an erection anymore and blame it on their wife's "loose" vagina. Maybe it's loose because his limp dick isn't stretching it. That's it! That's why we don't have sex any more! It's because I decided that since he won't go down on me, why the hell should I do it for him. Now there seems to be an impasse. The refused is now the refuser and I'm the stubborn one. I think thats counter-refusal. counter-refusal is a form of self-preservation. It protects you. You know when your refuser offers you sex, its reset-sex. Sex just to get you off their back, or just to get you think things might change and they get too keep the life style they want. They want the benefits of marriage without being married. Counter-refusal is a normal response to protect yourself from harm.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 30, 2016 17:42:58 GMT -5
I struggle a lot with this. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be loved. Sometimes I feel like its because of my ethnicity (my husband is black. and I'm half white and half arab. Sometimes i'm too white or not white enoough, not a real arab or why are you acting arab?). Sometimes I just feel unlovable. Kind of a vague and difficult question: Are your first assumptions for the situation the ethnic difference? Or have you searched for reasons, including this one, and settled on this one? Just curious and looking for more information is all, not being too forward I hope. My husband is a bit racist. And he's made lots of back handed comments like that on and off throughout the marriage. he says I'm racist. Like I said he's very racist and can't get over a lot of stuff. Hes in denial. I'm not searching for it. It came up shortly after we got married but he played it off as a cultural difference.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 29, 2016 17:35:49 GMT -5
I struggle a lot with this. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to be loved. Sometimes I feel like its because of my ethnicity (my husband is black. and I'm half white and half arab. Sometimes i'm too white or not white enoough, not a real arab or why are you acting arab?). Sometimes I just feel unlovable.
I'm on anti-depressants and my first counseling session is this weekend. I exercise. I dance. I take care of my kidz. My kidz cuddle with me. I might do other private stuff for stress management. My husband would consider it cheating but otherwise I would go crazy.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 29, 2016 17:28:38 GMT -5
the one compliment my husband gave to me, he never said to my face. He said it to my grandma. He said I was really good at research. Because I've been waiting my whole life to hear how good I am at google lol
my grandma thought i was being dramatic. hehe.
I just ignore it.
I quit doing so much for my husband because he could care less so I focus on the kidz and myself.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 28, 2016 16:08:55 GMT -5
I'm an only child. I started taking care of myself and my mom since I was 3. my mom was an alocoholic and a drug addict so I guess you can say that I had a co-dependent relationship with her. Plus my husband, I suspect is narcissistic, possibly has sociopathic tendencies.
and I've heard co-dependents are magnets for narcissists
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 27, 2016 18:53:11 GMT -5
he started rejecting me after 2 weeks of marriage. He felt too emasculated by me. Having sex with me when I wanted him made him feel like a boy toy and not a man.
he has a thing with his masculinity. Too many things are on the list that make him feel like a b***h or a boy toy. Hes a man, he doesn't do those things.
or because he's black, its because he's black. And everything is something weak that only white men do.
le sigh.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 27, 2016 18:45:22 GMT -5
When I was 21, I had a one year old son and had just had twin girls. He said "You're old and loose now. What happened to the tight teenager I married".
Fun. Loose at 21.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 27, 2016 0:57:29 GMT -5
I sure hope so to. Its next saturday and I can't wait. All of my relatives say its gonna be a good thing. We'll wait and see.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 27, 2016 0:51:29 GMT -5
years ago my husband went on a trip for 5 months. He wasn't the same when he came back. (to be honest, he'd also wanted a second wife and the kidz just got diagnosed with autism and he'd been complaining for years that I think about sex too much).
Well at night I'd come on to him, he just wanted to relax, "get away from me with that crap". I'd go to bed and cry myself to sleep, he wouldn't come to bed until I was already asleep, I'd be soooo "aroused" during the day, and the cycle began again.
I felt so ashamed. other women don't have these problems. Women complain about their partners wanting it too much, not at all. Then I quit trying because it just hurt too much.
he teased me about why I don't want sex anymore. HOw come you don't initiate? you're not the young thing you were anymore. I said because you won't quit rejecting me. He turned around so fast and called me a liar.
When I finally confronted him so many months ago for cheating, he laughed. talking about those "girls".
he blaimed me and the kidz for dragging him down to hell. it was our fault he committed this sin.
He kept on saying what do you want? I don't know how he does it, but he is soooo good at shutting me down.
|
|
|
Post by darktippedrose on Mar 26, 2016 3:52:29 GMT -5
but i'm not so sure you'll get an answer if you'd only ask
|
|