rain
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Post by rain on Mar 29, 2016 20:28:49 GMT -5
I don't really know how this works sorry, I am new this forums in general, but I just need to find somebody to talk to. I have read many of the sexless marriage posts and responses, but none quiet fit my issue - the main difference is that my husband and I still like each other, and other than the no sex thing (I can count how many times we have had sex in our 16 years of marriage on my fingers) we have a good relationship. I just need help coping or finding a way to not want sex, so that I dont throw away what I have. Neither of us want a divorce. We are actually a pretty good team, just we cant find a way to meet in the middle on this issue. So far we just agreed Ill stop asking for sex, so he doesnt have to turn me down.
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Post by Dan on Mar 29, 2016 20:50:58 GMT -5
I don't really know how this works sorry, I am new this forums in general, but I just need to find somebody to talk to. Dear Rain, First, you are most welcome here. Don't worry about the mechanics of "how it works" -- this site is pretty new to every body. We won't hold "formatting errors" against you! Or if you mean "how it works" like "how you are supposed to share" -- well, you did great. Just speak from the heart... and I'd bet the advice will start flowing in. Warning: you may get a greater NUMBER of viewpoints than you were expecting. Some will be uncomfortable. But please receive all advice with an open mind. Then start to synthesize what "works" for you. I wish you the best in your search. Alas, I don't think anyone will have a "magic bullet" for you. Communication and an enormous amount of "willingness to change" on his part might do it. In fact, sorry to say it, but "it's all great but the sex" is one way that so many of us arrive... and not many of us have found an "answer" to bring normal sexual relations back into the marriage. Hang in there, and post whatever you are comfortable with. Dan
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rain
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Post by rain on Mar 29, 2016 21:09:02 GMT -5
Thanks Dan. At this point I am open to any ideas, I am kinda at the end of my perverbal rope (Not in a suicidal way, just frustrated and hurt) I have searched the internet and books, and other sites looking for answers, but I thought maybe if I could just verbalize the issue with someone it wouldnt build up so much. I know I probably sound nieve with the whole its 'all good but the sex" but it really is. My husband is kind, and loving in his own way, and even when he refuses me he tries to be kind, or he used to often give in (which can be worse). We have spoken at length about this together - he has asked his doctors, but he has no medical issues, we talked ( Ive tried loosing weight, gaining weight, changing hair styles or cloths), but really when I think back on our dating and marraige we didnt ever have a sex life, so I didnt loose it, it was never there. I know he is sexually attracted to somethings, he had a wild 3 week relationship with a girl in college, but its never been that way between us. I just thought I was bunny and he was a turtle, that a little miss match was normal, but I after several conversations together we determined he just doesnt like sex with me, and he isnt attracted to me (said in the most polite way your spouce could tell you that). He has even offered to let me have an open marriage if i wanted, but I just can't bring my self to that. Its not so much that I want sex, as much as I want him to want me. He will have sex with me if i tell him I need it, but it doesnt change the fact that he doesnt want me and thats what hurts the most. I don't know how to get beyond that, so I can enjoy the rest of our time together. I dont want to loose what I have, over one issue we cant find a good comprimize over. I know I cant change him, so how can I change me??
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Post by unmatched on Mar 29, 2016 21:22:38 GMT -5
It is a hard one, and without knowing a whole lot more it is hard to give too much advice. I guess the first questions I would have are do you still have a physical relationship (do you cuddle, kiss, touch each other) or is that missing too? And what do you miss most - is the sex or the connection or do you just feel hurt and upset that he doesn't want you?
My first gut response from reading your post was that it all sounds very nice. Your husband is kind, and polite, and wants you to be happy. But there is no sense of spark, or fire, or wanting to feel really alive. And I wonder whether that is why (after 16 years) you can't quite reconcile yourself to slowly ambling together into the sunset. [That could well be my issue more than yours, though, so if it doesn't fit please ignore!]
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rain
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Post by rain on Mar 29, 2016 21:35:42 GMT -5
We cuddle alot, we hold hands, he even calls me beautiful (But not in they way I want to hear it, i know he isnt attracted to me). But as much as I want his touch and cuddling, sometimes it gets to be too much, cause it never goes beyond that, and I get all wound up, and I know he doesnt want it to go further. This whole crash and burn episode started two days ago, because he touched my back at the top of my jeans, then walked away. he ment it to be kind and loving, but it was damn errotic. It shot my libedo through the roof instantly. So although it was nice to have him touch me, it also hurt like hell cause I know that it didnt mean to him what it ment to me, and it wasnt leading to anything. It was just a horrible tease. So now I cant stand to be in the room with him, i cry at the drop of a hat just thinking about that moment. I cant get figure our if Im happy it happend and just savor what I got, or mad cause its a horrible reminder of what i wolnt get. I cant decided if I would rather have some contact, even if it drives me crazy, or none. It hurts less when there is none, sometimes. He knows im upset, he has been walking on egg shells for two days, but I cant bring my self to talk to him, cause we have had this discussion, we agreed no sex, then no one gets refused. So this is my issue of not being able to deal with the agreement we both decided was the best course of action. I dont know how to explain to him why im upset with out him thinking im blaming him, or trying to change him, or renig on our decision. But im not getting over it on my own this time.
Plus I just miss my friend - my H and I talk about everything, but this time I just can't, and I know its my self imposed separation from him, but it hurts none the less.
ps - I do feel a lot better after this discussion. Thanks to all who listened and responded. I really needed a sounding board.
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Post by lwoetin on Mar 29, 2016 22:31:46 GMT -5
Sorry to hear of your situation. I am one also trying to stay. I have no answers for anyone including myself...unfortunately. I just do a lot of handwaving.
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Post by sand5280 on Mar 30, 2016 15:07:22 GMT -5
My husband and I still like each other, and other than the no sex thing, we have a good relationship. We are actually a pretty good team... I myself have seen a surprising frequency of this. Getting along in every aspect but one. The big one. Mine is an example, although not yet married. Also I have heard a surprising number of couples finally agreeing to open marriage. I have no idea how this works, my mind cannot fathom the idea.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2016 10:26:53 GMT -5
I want to share my personal experience here, but I want you to know I'm not trying to be the "voice of doom", just trying to get you to look down the road a bit. I got married 22 years ago and sex was an issue from the beginning (before marriage, it was ok - nothing stellar, but regular and basically satisfying. It basically stopped on our honeymoon other than for procreation). Because I loved him, I told myself the same things I hear you saying. In fact, "We're a good team" was one of my favorite things to tell myself and anyone else I was confiding in. But over decades of mostly sexless and 13 years (almost 14 now) of being completely sexless, my love for him slowly eroded until I finally got to the point where I was willing to walk away. Refusal is brutally damaging, not only to the mental health of the refused, but to the marriage. And just agreeing to not ask for sex doesn't make you any less refused - it just lets him off the hook because now he doesn't even have to face saying no to you and seeing your pain. He gets to completely avoid responsibility for the damage he is doing to you and to your marriage. Ask yourself this - do you want to be 60 years old and look back and realize it's been decades since you had sex? Will your love for your husband be able to survive decades of rejection? Is it reasonable to ask yourself to just stop wanting intimacy?
I promise you I'm not trying to be unkind or to imply that you have to leave your marriage like I did, but you do need to think realistically about what the rest of your life will look like and if you are truly ok with that picture. I'd suggest you try couples counseling, but since he's already made his feelings clear, I'm not sure it would be effective. Individual counseling might be a help though - it could help you clarify your own thoughts and needs. I don't know how old you are, but for me turning 50 was a huge wake-up call. Please, please don't let years and years slide by like I did. Face this issue somehow, some way, right away.
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Post by unmatched on Mar 31, 2016 17:43:37 GMT -5
just agreeing to not ask for sex doesn't make you any less refused - it just lets him off the hook because now he doesn't even have to face saying no to you and seeing your pain. He gets to completely avoid responsibility for the damage he is doing to you and to your marriage. This - don't wallpaper over the pain. He needs to be as aware of it as you are. If you can then still find a way to make your marriage work then that's great. But if you end up holding it all inside (I am not saying you are doing that now, but it does seem a possible outcome of the direction you are headed), then it will eat you up and it will slowly kill your marriage anyway.
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Post by darktippedrose on Mar 31, 2016 18:31:23 GMT -5
your husband could just be asexual. it does exist. that 3 week sex fest could have just been an anomaly.
I used to think everything was great ............ dun dun dun .......... bar the sex
telling someone that you aren't attracted to them, even "nicely" is still mean.
you know its gonna hurt them. I'm sorry but it sounds like he wanted the marriage life and you fit the bill.
I know it sounds mean. I know it sounds like I don't know how nice he is. I used to think that too about my husband before my eyes were really open.
thats just what i'm seeing.
And making you agree to not ask for sex anymore ~ sorry but thats a red flag right there.
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