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Post by darktippedrose on May 14, 2016 17:29:38 GMT -5
According to all definitions, mine is sexless lol.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 14, 2016 5:26:29 GMT -5
baza ~ by that definition I haven't had anything since I was 24. thats when he at least pretended to be into it and even then, I think i was sooo into it I didn't realize his boredom. z by your definition, I haven't had any sexual contact for 3 years now. So while I crave contact, I just don't crave it with him. I don't yearn for him. My sexuality isn't safe with him so I don't want it with him anymore.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 14, 2016 5:19:15 GMT -5
@mountainrunner, yes its so subtle and insidious. When explaining it to other people, they often don't see it because its not like Hannibal Lecter's version of sociopathy. its too subtle.
@sand, I'm going to check out tamara68's posts and such.
I deeply appreciate the help.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 14, 2016 2:55:44 GMT -5
I heard on this clip of a tv show I found from YouTube, describing a sexless marriage as anything less than 12x a year.
How do you define it?
Do you define it by the overall lack of intimacy? Sexual or emotional? Nearly sexless (1x a month or less) or completely sexless?
I would love to know.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 14, 2016 2:53:07 GMT -5
ggold I completely understand your pain. Sometimes a sex scene from a tv show can send me to tears. I get wistfull and envious and jealous when I see my neighbors get a full body hug from their boyfriend. Some days the smallest mention of intimacy from facebook or instagram, or a couple holding hands or reading my romance books and I just cry in the bathroom. We all get those days.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 14, 2016 2:46:01 GMT -5
I've been told before again and again to stand up for myself.
First I was told that marrying an older man was good, part of the natural order of life. yeah. I ended up having to be his nurse shortly after, and not even in a sexy way either. Where was the older man ravenous for his new wife? yeah. I barely saw him.
Then I was told that communication is the key. Not in my marriage it wasn't. Me communicating meant getting shot down. All these jokes about women always being right and men being wrong. I don't get them. In the beginning of my marriage, If I said the smallest thing that wasn't 100% ok religiously, or my husband didn't like it - he'd leave for hours; 6 or 8 or 24 hours. I'd call the jail house, the hospital, etc. He thought it was funny. I'd have the cower and beg forgiveness.
Any other attempts at communication, he talks at me, not to me.
I have come to the conclusion that maybe I'm not great at debate. I stand up for myself the smallest bit, and my husband whips out his verbal skills and just can make me feel and look stupid at the drop of a hat.
I already feel stupid.
My husband wants us to move to Florida because theres a good religious community there. Its closer to Morocco and I don't want to be more isolated than I already am. He's saying religion but I'm seeing power and control.
He won't wait until my grandparents are better. I don't want to leave. He shoots me down so easily.
I told him we have a better chance of moving to Canada if you-know-who becomes President. I heard that Canada may be opening up programs to open up immigration from America. He texted me "Nice try, try reading next time" I texted back "Whatever helps you sleep at night", and him "bitter"
I don't know what it is. I know the facts, I know my feelings, I feel so strong. He says the smallest things or walks in the door and I either freeze up or feel stupid.
Does this happen to anyone else in their SM?
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Post by darktippedrose on May 13, 2016 1:44:51 GMT -5
CreelUnion, yeah I know
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Post by darktippedrose on May 12, 2016 18:04:54 GMT -5
my husband always teased me about being the girl from the wrong side of the tracks because my mom was an alkie and an addict. He says he's his mother's child. He's actually a lot more like his dad than he'd like to admit.
his dad slept on the couch. he never really ssaw his parents being affectionate. His dad would run off on these escapades with women. He'd flirt with women right in front of him. no big deal.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 12, 2016 17:52:32 GMT -5
The first time my husband rejected me was after 2 weeks of marriage. My husband worked 30 hours a week and liked to spend the rest of his stuff studying religion with his friends.
he said something like "I don't got time to stay at home f**king you all day. I'm a man. I'm not a boy toy. I'm a man. I got better s**t to do"
so many days later he admitted that he got most of sexin out of his system with his ex wife. yeah. that really made me feel awesome as a new wife.
over the years he's said various things.
one time, after he wanted to take another wife and was traumatized by my reaction, said I looked at you-know-what like a starving Ethiopian and after that he gradually didn't let me look at him.
Most of the time, he just said that he wanted time to relax. I was interrupting his relaxing time. I'm at home 24/7 but he gets more "relaxing" time than I do.
Another one i go was that I was distracting him from religion. When HE wanted sex, it was a religious matter, but not when I wanted it.
i no longer get those comments because I don't try anymore. I guess I don't feel safe. not like he'll hurt me. just like having sex will open up deep wounds.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 10, 2016 14:18:58 GMT -5
Wow darktippedrose . Must feel good to be validated by the Counselor. When is your next appointment? I'm going every two weeks. And yes, it feels good to know I'm not completely crazy. just like with my kidz. he blaimed it all on me, and then they were diagnosed with autism. I wasn't a bad mother. I wasn't a white mother who couldn't handle wild, black kids. they had autism. It wasn't all my fault. and now, its not me, its him. There is something seriously flawed with him and he takes it out on everyone else. its a little easier if I remind myself that he's sick.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 10, 2016 14:16:00 GMT -5
I am so glad you went. It's great that he seems to know his stuff, and it's also great that you're communicating with him (i.e. listening and taking it in as well as talking) As for your husband, I think he's not only a sociopath, I personally also think he's terminally confused and hard of thinking ... harking back to his ISIS spiel - did you tell the counselor about that? Apparently smart enough to manipulate people, though, going on what you've told us. Hope this works out for you, in some positive way. -P. I didn't say specifically that just that he's a bit of an extremist and views me as not being religious enough, etc. although, when my grandma was sick recently I went to visit her in the hospital. The WHOLE time he is talking about religion and politics. My grandma mentioned ISIS and my husband said that it was the "Islamic State". My husband conveniently ignores the fact that most muslims and most scholars lecture against them. Or that most of the people who have died at the hands of Isis, or in fact Muslims. He thinks its all lies. Hundred of towns destroyed. anyways, my grandma said she wanted me and my kidz taken care of. He looked her in the eye, lied to he and said " oh yes, they'll be taken care of" . seriously. ughhhhh. My grandma thought it was a very nice intellectual conversation, not realising he was messing with her head.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 9, 2016 16:22:49 GMT -5
Well Rose, I have thought much like your family for a long time. I think they are really trying to look out for you, although I can see how they intrude on your comfort zone since you don't want to hear it. Consider this alternative: you go to them and try to talk, and they, instead of trying to help you out, tell you that you are a sinful slut for talking bad bout your husband and that you should be obedient and not keep kicking sand in the poor guys face. How would that sit with you? You're lucky you can talk to them at all. I could never talk to my family since I was about 12. Everything and anything about my thoughts and feelings and friends I would reveal would be taken out of context, warped and twisted to make everybody appear in the worst light, assumptions were made (nasty assumptions, never good ones) about everybody's motivation and goals, and then it would be shoved back in my face. It makes me wistful when I see people who can have a sensible conversation with their parents, never mind get some well meaning support. You're lucky. my husbansd's conservative friends are like the alternative opinion. or close enough anyways. Most people of my religion who are more modern and moderate are more lenient towards the women. some of their opinions are overwhelming sometimes but thankfully some of the older ones understand that this great task isn't gonna be done over night. so I'm glad that the older ones have a bit more understanding of this.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 6, 2016 2:20:26 GMT -5
Better put an end to this now, granny panties are a precursor to these: If you just ground out that hole a bit and made it bigger you would have a crotchless chastity belt. It could be quite kinky... I knew of a girl once who put her bf in a chastity belt because he wouldn't stop cheating on her at the time I kind of thought it was funny
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Post by darktippedrose on May 6, 2016 1:25:58 GMT -5
For many people , FAMILY IS LIKE KRYPTONITE! It seems that no matter how much we've grown, how long we've been away, how far we've traveled in our own journeys, when we go back to family, we are suddenly children again! All the old dynamics, the patterns, the messages- they're all back trying to pull us down. (look at David and Goliath and how his cowardly brothers mocked him, made fun of his size, threw him in a pit! Ah..family!) how many an artist has been crushed by a family that prefers a " rational" approach to life? How many an engineer dismissed by a family of musicians? How many of us are lost in life simply because no one in our world saw our glory and affirmed it! remember little of this is your fault ( for others reading this too) it is one of the hardest, and richest things you ever do. Look for freedom in ways that will reveal that YOUR HEART IS GOOD! And your heart matters . DEEPLY. Caring for your own heart isn't selfish; it's how we begin to love. Yes, we care for our hearts for the sake of others. Does that sound like a contradiction? Not at all. What will you bring to others if your heart is empty, dried up,pinned down? Love is the point. And you can't love without your heart, and you can't love well unless your heart is well. How you handle your own heart is how you handle others! the biggest thing for me that gives me pleasure and freedom is dancing. I study Middle-Eastern dancing at home. And it gives me joy like no other. my husband gets passive aggressive when I go to dance class or workshops. so I study at home with dvds mostly
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Post by darktippedrose on May 5, 2016 18:30:13 GMT -5
My family does make my decision making process more difficult. For me, my family (at least the ones I share this with) give her the benefit of the doubt. We are a happy couple on the outside. Even my therapist urges me to simply be positive. She says things like "your sex life is only one part of your relationship". For many people , FAMILY IS LIKE KRYPTONITE! It seems that no matter how much we've grown, how long we've been away, how far we've traveled in our own journeys, when we go back to family, we are suddenly children again! All the old dynamics, the patterns, the messages- they're all back trying to pull us down. (look at David and Goliath and how his cowardly brothers mocked him, made fun of his size, threw him in a pit! Ah..family!) how many an artist has been crushed by a family that prefers a " rational" approach to life? How many an engineer dismissed by a family of musicians? How many of us are lost in life simply because no one in our world saw our glory and affirmed it! remember little of this is your fault ( for others reading this too) it is one of the hardest, and richest things you ever do. Look for freedom in ways that will reveal that YOUR HEART IS GOOD! And your heart matters . DEEPLY. Caring for your own heart isn't selfish; it's how we begin to love. Yes, we care for our hearts for the sake of others. Does that sound like a contradiction? Not at all. What will you bring to others if your heart is empty, dried up,pinned down? Love is the point. And you can't love without your heart, and you can't love well unless your heart is well. How you handle your own heart is how you handle others! the biggest thing for me that gives me pleasure and freedom is dancing. I study Middle-Eastern dancing at home. And it gives me joy like no other.
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