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Post by manman on Feb 2, 2018 21:59:21 GMT -5
I suggested scheduling a weekly rendezvous to my wife because we have three kids and busy schedules and everything gets in the way. She refused claiming I was forcing her to have sex by scheduling it. We have been in marital counseling for seven months since then and still no sex. I am putting the odds at 50/50 that we never have sex again but have vowed to stick it out awhile longer for my kids if nothing else. What I am going to do about that is the million dollar question. Stay for my kids and my financial future, go to find another shot at happiness with someone else and a fulfilling sex life I've always dreamed and fantasized about.......TBD Why not to suggest a simple choice divorce or sex. And make sure you mean it Let her decide Kids excuse is quite pathetic
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Post by manman on Feb 2, 2018 22:01:59 GMT -5
I have to imagine the sex you are getting is pretty bland. Mostly of the starfish variety. If one has to strong arm their spouse into sex I should think it's probably pretty mechanical on her part. That wouldn't be very satisfying for me. Coercion was a topic that made it's way through the forum a short time back. Most folks stated they wouldn't want it, instead preferring an intimate connection. I can see your approach working if the other person prefers the marriage to divorce, but that is a calculation that could change as the dynamics of the situation change. Periodically one reads about a woman killing her husband and defending her actions due to long term emotional and /or physical abuse. Do you suppose your approach to insuring sex in the relationship could meet the criteria for said defense? What I suggest is not an abuse. It is proven therapy And sex is quite satisfying. Much better than no sex
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Post by ihadalove on Feb 2, 2018 22:23:19 GMT -5
I have to imagine the sex you are getting is pretty bland. Mostly of the starfish variety. If one has to strong arm their spouse into sex I should think it's probably pretty mechanical on her part. That wouldn't be very satisfying for me. Coercion was a topic that made it's way through the forum a short time back. Most folks stated they wouldn't want it, instead preferring an intimate connection. I can see your approach working if the other person prefers the marriage to divorce, but that is a calculation that could change as the dynamics of the situation change. Periodically one reads about a woman killing her husband and defending her actions due to long term emotional and /or physical abuse. Do you suppose your approach to insuring sex in the relationship could meet the criteria for said defense? What I suggest is not an abuse. It is proven therapy And sex is quite satisfying. Much better than no sex Did it work for you?
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Post by manman on Feb 2, 2018 22:42:52 GMT -5
Most sexless marriage issues are larger than the physical act of sex alone. Emotions, intimacy, connection and desire are just a few of the components that intermingled to make relationship dynamics. If one or more of these things change it impacts the others. Pressure implies that the act of sex will resolve other issues. Most commonly, it will not. If your SO is intimacy averse than forcing sex or sex through pressure will typically result in an unsatisfying encounter. Bad sex will not often lead to good sex. That's a great mistake to think this way Sex is a foundation. Intimacy is a roof. You don't put roof before foundation I suspect your judgement is fogged by resentment. You need to let it go before doing that
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Post by manman on Feb 2, 2018 22:45:26 GMT -5
What I suggest is not an abuse. It is proven therapy And sex is quite satisfying. Much better than no sex Did it work for you? That's the only thing that worked Although I suffered several setbacks and needed to refine strategy several times It's not a magical pill but if you fully committed it will work
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 2, 2018 22:48:28 GMT -5
I am putting the odds at 50/50 that we never have sex again but have vowed to stick it out awhile longer for my kids if nothing else. What I am going to do about that is the million dollar question. Stay for my kids and my financial future, go to find another shot at happiness with someone else and a fulfilling sex life I've always dreamed and fantasized about.......TBD I don't have kids, so I might know nothing here, but I see people say stay for the kids and I wonder why. What good is it to show them a poor relationship growing up? Do people think they won't notice anything at all? They'll visit friends and see an entirely different dynamic and realize their home is not the same, at the very least. I thought staying for the kids went out decades ago. I think one reason people "stay for the kids" is because once a couple parts ways, one misses out on a lot of the kids life. The kid then spends time in two places with likely very different rules, and has far less stability. And usually you fight more after splitting up because of residual anger. Things are usually just easier to stay together.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2018 23:13:07 GMT -5
Everything in life comes at a price, I am just trying to maximize my happiness and for me that requires more than one man. I really love this bballgirl. I think you might be onto something, happiness requiring more than one partner. I think it’s a too-tall order to expect that one person could meet our every need.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2018 23:20:20 GMT -5
Most people quite pathetic here So I’m confused manman, your solution worked, but you’re here calling us pathetic. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you mean that in the nicest way possible. But really, I’m curious what brought you here. I’m guessing you weren’t googling sexless marriage because you don’t have that problem. Are you here just to give advice? If so, thank you! Please consider reading in depth some of the very painful stories people have shared. Believe me, for the vast majority of us, there’s been no lack of trying or applying pressure.
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 2, 2018 23:32:22 GMT -5
Everything in life comes at a price, I am just trying to maximize my happiness and for me that requires more than one man. I really love this bballgirl. I think you might be onto something, happiness requiring more than one partner. I think it’s a too-tall order to expect that one person could meet our every need. For me I figured it out and it wasn't going to happen with a new man because I didn't want it to, I still loved my ex, but I stand by the fact that I needed to divorce him to figure it out. I needed a sabatical from he and I to figure things out for myself, notice I said FOR MYSELF, for what I wanted. I dated, had alone time (I miss my weekends alone) but I know that's not normal to have if you are in a relationship. Sex with fwb is so good and so compatible. Also during my 2 year separation my self esteem was restored. Everyone is different.
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 2, 2018 23:45:35 GMT -5
I could explain all the things I have done to apply pressure, but we should also consider the successful results. If you have to beg, cajole, coerce your spouse to have sex, will that really be the kind of sex you want? I have tracked frequency on the family calendar with marks that she was the only other person that knew what they meant. This was effective and frustrating to her. Two Decembers ago, a female friend of mine sent me a very nice Christmas card, which caused my wife to beg me not to give up on her. Of course, as soon as the threat was gone, so was her sex drive. A failed Tinder hookup she found out about resulted in hysterical bonding sex. Explaining that I wanted an open marriage resulted in reset sex. Of course, it never lasted. The drive was not because I was desired. I never felt desired. I was a chore. No matter how much reset sex I could have, it would never be what I really wanted. I know what you're talking about but this thing is different you don't mark it after the fact - you agree when you meet before - once and for all and that's it you never beg again - you just never need to talk about it - you meet and do it you have straight talk - we meet every tuesday 10 pm indefinetely till the day we die or it's over this way threat will never end - threat will be every tuesday 10 pm, and to deactivate the threat she must be there from what you wrote I think you can easily implement it because it's sort of my situation before I moved into calendar sex I'm not out of woods yet and I know my wife will just happily go into sexless existance given chances but I think she slowly accepts that sex in her life is now regular and forever That sounds like sex with a gun held to my head. Fuck me or else. Sounds like how every Thursday I wash my clothes and every Tuesday I scrub the toilets. It sounds like mediocre sex at best. There's no passion with that. Sounds like her bending over so you can get off. I can mastubate more passionately than that. Is she actively participating? Is she getting on top and kissing and making love to you at the same time? It may be a solution for you, but there is no cookie cutter solution for everyone. Furthermore the people here are not pathetic, they are empathetic, kind and compassionate people that have a thirst for something more in life than just mediocre.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 2, 2018 23:57:32 GMT -5
My wife's response to demands like scheduled intimacy were comments along the line of, "yeah, that's not going to happen." I'd love to have manman get his wife on here to explain their sweaty multiple position can't get enough of you weekly sexcapades.
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 3, 2018 0:32:49 GMT -5
I know what you're talking about but this thing is different you don't mark it after the fact - you agree when you meet before - once and for all and that's it you never beg again - you just never need to talk about it - you meet and do it you have straight talk - we meet every tuesday 10 pm indefinetely till the day we die or it's over this way threat will never end - threat will be every tuesday 10 pm, and to deactivate the threat she must be there from what you wrote I think you can easily implement it because it's sort of my situation before I moved into calendar sex I'm not out of woods yet and I know my wife will just happily go into sexless existance given chances but I think she slowly accepts that sex in her life is now regular and forever That sounds like sex with a gun held to my head. Fuck me or else. Sounds like how every Thursday I wash my clothes and every Tuesday I scrub the toilets. It sounds like mediocre sex at best. There's no passion with that. Sounds like her bending over so you can get off. I can mastubate more passionately than that. Is she actively participating? Is she getting on top and kissing and making love to you at the same time? It may be a solution for you, but there is no cookie cutter solution for everyone. Furthermore the people here are not pathetic, they are empathetic, kind and compassionate people that have a thirst for something more in life than just mediocre. If it is working for him, it can work for another. And he is happy. The arrangement can survive indefinitely if she is happy. manman, is your wife happy? Would you care if she isn't?
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Post by baza on Feb 3, 2018 0:39:29 GMT -5
If this story has any credibility - and I'm none too sure that it does - it still requires the refused spouse to be prepared to put the marriage on the line. But, because they fear that the outcome might be to collapse their primary relationship, that is not a risk they are - at this time - prepared to run. So this "pressure theory" falls arse over head at the first hurdle.
In fact *Any* theory that requires the refused spouse to put the marriage on the line is bound to fail to fly if the basic mindset - to put the marriage on the line - is absent.
Probably, that's why people arrive here looking for a resolution of their ILIASM deal, but only on a basis wherein the marriage does not have to be put on the line. And resolutions that do not require the marriage to be put on the line are as rare as rocking horse shit.
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Post by manman on Feb 3, 2018 2:16:48 GMT -5
That sounds like sex with a gun held to my head. Fuck me or else. Sounds like how every Thursday I wash my clothes and every Tuesday I scrub the toilets. It sounds like mediocre sex at best. There's no passion with that. Sounds like her bending over so you can get off. I can mastubate more passionately than that. Is she actively participating? Is she getting on top and kissing and making love to you at the same time? It may be a solution for you, but there is no cookie cutter solution for everyone. Furthermore the people here are not pathetic, they are empathetic, kind and compassionate people that have a thirst for something more in life than just mediocre. If it is working for him, it can work for another. And he is happy. The arrangement can survive indefinitely if she is happy. manman , is your wife happy? Would you care if she isn't? well before I introduced calendar we had sex on average every 1-2 months usually after huge fight because of abcense of sex,but at least 3 times without sex for a year or more her words were she felt disgust even think about sex, she rejected most of my intitiations and never initiated herself she faked illnesses to avoid and didn't talk to me for weeks in fear of having sex at some point I was totally fed up and I told her or we fix our sex life or we divorce. you choose. and suggested putting ur sex life on schedule she chose trying to fix. she hesitated maybe 10 minutes Now she says calendar removed a lot of presure and it''s the best way to have sex in our circumstances- and I have to say on my side to no need to initiate is a great thing for both sides you meet - have sex and done with it till the next time I'm not sure how happy she is but she gets her orgasms
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Post by manman on Feb 3, 2018 2:19:20 GMT -5
I know what you're talking about but this thing is different you don't mark it after the fact - you agree when you meet before - once and for all and that's it you never beg again - you just never need to talk about it - you meet and do it you have straight talk - we meet every tuesday 10 pm indefinetely till the day we die or it's over this way threat will never end - threat will be every tuesday 10 pm, and to deactivate the threat she must be there from what you wrote I think you can easily implement it because it's sort of my situation before I moved into calendar sex I'm not out of woods yet and I know my wife will just happily go into sexless existance given chances but I think she slowly accepts that sex in her life is now regular and forever That sounds like sex with a gun held to my head. Fuck me or else. Sounds like how every Thursday I wash my clothes and every Tuesday I scrub the toilets. It sounds like mediocre sex at best. There's no passion with that. Sounds like her bending over so you can get off. I can mastubate more passionately than that. Is she actively participating? Is she getting on top and kissing and making love to you at the same time? It may be a solution for you, but there is no cookie cutter solution for everyone. Furthermore the people here are not pathetic, they are empathetic, kind and compassionate people that have a thirst for something more in life than just mediocre. no gun at all, you partner chooses what she wants its her decision sort of like being fat and deciding to get in shape about mediocre sex - without regular exersing any sex is mediocre
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