|
Post by ironhamster on Feb 4, 2018 19:52:50 GMT -5
At least my W will stop asking me when I am going to retire. Unfortunately, I can stop asking myself that, too.
|
|
|
Post by tiredoftears on Feb 4, 2018 20:01:57 GMT -5
Some of these women are just pissed off and depressed and have refused to do their "job" (housework) until the husband starts doing his "job"(putting out). That sounds one sided. My W does almost no housework and is hardly ever interested in me. And that.... I just cannot understand.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Feb 4, 2018 20:32:25 GMT -5
The disgraceful state of the house was one issue in my deal, but in and of itself it wasn't a dealbreaker. The lack of entertaining friends (because of above) was an issue in my deal, but in and of itself wasn't a dealbreaker. The lack of ability to resolve problems was an issue, but again it wasn't a dealbreaker in its' own right. The lack of intimacy / sex in my deal was an issue, but in and of itself it wasn't a dealbreaker. The escalating level of my missus' drinking was an issue, but not a deal breaker by itself. The escalating level of my missus affair with the slot machines was a BIG issue, but not enough by itself to be a dealbreaker. The lack of any semblance of a 'partnership' was a big deal, but not at dealbreaker status. There was other - minor - shit going on too to add to the picture.
But, when I took a full inventory of the big picture, yep, the overall situation was indeed a dealbreaker. There was a helluva lot going (or not going on) other than a filthy house and no sex.
And (note - I might be projecting here) I think that most stories here tell a similar story. A number of relatively "minor" annoying issues, plus a number of pretty serious issues (but not dealbreakers in their own right) And a "total picture". For me, a total picture that said "dealbreaker"
For you ? Your call.
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on Feb 4, 2018 22:31:17 GMT -5
Funny thing - all the adults in my house work full time. I am expected to give up some of my weekend time to get groceries and what not for the house. Yet, no one else is expected to clean, do dishes, or care for the animals in the house (none of which are mine). My wife can sit and play Candy Crush or read or watch her favorite TV shows and not give a crap about her surroundings. Except for the 4 year old accidentally spilling her drink on my W's favorite couch - oh, then she gives a crap. My daughter and granddaughter live with us, but my daughter will find some excuse to get out of the house (I think my wife's snarky comments to her may have something to do with that). All that being said, I still was not at the "dealbreaker" point. Except for today. The girls were gone for the day, and my W actually asked me if I was going to make her cum today. I of course said sure. I showered and got into bed and waited. I fell asleep and when I woke it was 1 hour and 45 minutes later. She never came in. I got dressed and started doing laundry. As it got later into the evening, I grabbed her as she walked by and copped a feel. She was getting ready to go out for the evening and said " oh, now you want to!" I said "I waited in bed for almost 2 hours and you never came in - I figured you had changed your mind". She said, "Well you never said you were ready!" i get cock teased and it's my fault. Why would you do something like that to someone you are supposed to love? I think, finally, it is time for me to go.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2018 22:40:09 GMT -5
Some of these women are just pissed off and depressed and have refused to do their "job" (housework) until the husband starts doing his "job"(putting out). Well that I understand! That's just plain depressing. BTDT. My comment was directed at the men on the forum who have stay at home wives and also pay for cleaning services and still don't get laid. That's just criminal, IMHO. Then again, it was criminal that I stayed home, did all the housework and kidwork and didn't get laid. Gah. SM.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Feb 5, 2018 6:58:18 GMT -5
Well that I understand! That's just plain depressing. BTDT. My comment was directed at the men on the forum who have stay at home wives and also pay for cleaning services and still don't get laid. That's just criminal, IMHO. Then again, it was criminal that I stayed home, did all the housework and kidwork and didn't get laid. Gah. SM.“”
It’s no more criminal than if you decide to give hundreds of dollars to a random, unthreatening person whom you see on the street.
The people in the situations you describe are fully participating in being in such situations. Sometimes they even were in such situations before marrying or in their honeymoon but remained in the wrong relationship, deliberately brought children into it, encouraged or allowed their spouse to not work or do chores. It’s an unpleasant cafe of their own making. What one might call criminal is they did it to themselves and continue to do so even feeling guilty if they complain or refuse to do their unfair share while getting little in return. They feel guilty at considering leaving. Their actions indicate this is the kind of life they deserve.
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on Feb 5, 2018 8:46:42 GMT -5
I'm going to give you some insight into Peter's world: Get rid of that sense of entitlement.
The fact that I'm the one making the money - doesn't mean I am entitled to sex. The fact that I am the one doing the cooking - doesn't mean I am entitled to sex. If I do the vacuuming, the laundry, repair whatever is broken - doesn't mean I am entitled to sex.
If the crumbs on the chopping board bother me - I man up and clean it. If the cat pukes outside the door - I man up and clean it. If there's a pile of dirty dishes in the kitchen that bothers me or prevents me from cooking - I wash it. If something is broken, I fix it.
I am not doing any of these things to earn entitlement points, I do them because they need doing and I am an adult, with some aspirations of being a responsible, capable adult. Grow up already. (applies to me too: I have a passive aggressive mother in my past; something I have to remind myself to get over from time to time). It's life: shit happens, deal with it, don't wait around for the clean-up fairy to show up. You'll just get disappointed and pissed off.
Actually, my flatmate is much the same as me: if she sees something that needs doing, she does it. Both of us have blind spots, naturally. It's not a tit for tat. It's not a business transaction. Anyone who flaunts sex for vacuuming is a fake. And they will not deliver.
Yes, I entered into this relationship hoping for intimacy, love, passion - and expecting sex. Wanting to share mine.
So she's gone off sex, she has problems with intimacy and passion. She still loves me. She tries her best by me, and her best is the best I can hope for. This is another person we are talking about, with feelings, aspirations, a world-view of her own. She is not here to live up to my expectations.
Now, if she were to still be abusive, if she were leeching only, lying, cheating .... then I'd be out of here. If I wasn't getting any of my needs and wants met, nada, nix, I'd be out of here. As it is I am living with a flawed person with a 'broken wing' who loves me and does her best to be a responsible adult. She genuinely cares for me. I guess I have that over some of my fellow iliasmers. Just: explain 'green' to a blind from birth person.
But - I am not entitled to anything, I just have my sense of self worth and self respect and survival, and I do what I do for myself, and because I want to.
If you have a spouse who doesn't want to carry their weight, then don't sit on your entitlement, but figure out how you want your future to be, and what your real future is going to look like, and then make a decision about it. For yourself. Because you can't change them, as we all know.
I've posted this countless times: google the "Gestalt Prayer by Fritz Perls".
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Feb 5, 2018 9:21:48 GMT -5
Some of these women are just pissed off and depressed and have refused to do their "job" (housework) until the husband starts doing his "job"(putting out). Well that I understand! That's just plain depressing. BTDT. My comment was directed at the men on the forum who have stay at home wives and also pay for cleaning services and still don't get laid. That's just criminal, IMHO. Then again, it was criminal that I stayed home, did all the housework and kidwork and didn't get laid. Gah. SM. Sexless marriage is like Baskin Robin's. 21 flavors but they all taste like frozen shit.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Feb 5, 2018 9:49:53 GMT -5
I'm going to give you some insight into Peter's world: Get rid of that sense of entitlement. The fact that I'm the one making the money - doesn't mean I am entitled to sex. The fact that I am the one doing the cooking - doesn't mean I am entitled to sex. If I do the vacuuming, the laundry, repair whatever is broken - doesn't mean I am entitled to sex. If the crumbs on the chopping board bother me - I man up and clean it. If the cat pukes outside the door - I man up and clean it. If there's a pile of dirty dishes in the kitchen that bothers me or prevents me from cooking - I wash it. If something is broken, I fix it. I am not doing any of these things to earn entitlement points, I do them because they need doing and I am an adult, with some aspirations of being a responsible, capable adult. Grow up already. (applies to me too: I have a passive aggressive mother in my past; something I have to remind myself to get over from time to time). It's life: shit happens, deal with it, don't wait around for the clean-up fairy to show up. You'll just get disappointed and pissed off. Actually, my flatmate is much the same as me: if she sees something that needs doing, she does it. Both of us have blind spots, naturally. It's not a tit for tat. It's not a business transaction. Anyone who flaunts sex for vacuuming is a fake. And they will not deliver. Yes, I entered into this relationship hoping for intimacy, love, passion - and expecting sex. Wanting to share mine. So she's gone off sex, she has problems with intimacy and passion. She still loves me. She tries her best by me, and her best is the best I can hope for. This is another person we are talking about, with feelings, aspirations, a world-view of her own. She is not here to live up to my expectations. Now, if she were to still be abusive, if she were leeching only, lying, cheating .... then I'd be out of here. If I wasn't getting any of my needs and wants met, nada, nix, I'd be out of here. As it is I am living with a flawed person with a 'broken wing' who loves me and does her best to be a responsible adult. She genuinely cares for me. I guess I have that over some of my fellow iliasmers. Just: explain 'green' to a blind from birth person. But - I am not entitled to anything, I just have my sense of self worth and self respect and survival, and I do what I do for myself, and because I want to. If you have a spouse who doesn't want to carry their weight, then don't sit on your entitlement, but figure out how you want your future to be, and what your real future is going to look like, and then make a decision about it. For yourself. Because you can't change them, as we all know. I've posted this countless times: google the "Gestalt Prayer by Fritz Perls". t Totally agree. You are not "entitled" to a thing in a marriage. For that matter neither is your partner. The thing is that it is like baza says. Layer after layer of snow and ice is deposited on the side of the mountain. If one or both parties fail to clear these layers the stage is set for an avalanche that sweeps away all before it. My ex deposited the majority of the layers IMHO. However I deposited quite a few of my own. When the final trigger hit, it was pretty damn minor in retrospect. But once that avalanche picked up speed there was nothing stopping it. Where I disagree with you is that I did it necessarily feel "entitled" to anything. Not even a house free of infestation. I put on my big boy pants and took care of it like an adult. But each frozen layer of resentment just made the inevitable avalanche more destructive. Finally when the "big one" hit there was nothing left in the valley below. The core of my relationship with ballofconfusion is not amazing sex (although that is awesome). It is the absolute no bullshit relationship we have. Every time there is snowfall on the mountain we clear it. Immediately. I've been through an avalanche before. They are preventable if both parties take precautions. Never again.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Feb 5, 2018 10:12:52 GMT -5
Well that I understand! That's just plain depressing. BTDT. My comment was directed at the men on the forum who have stay at home wives and also pay for cleaning services and still don't get laid. That's just criminal, IMHO. Then again, it was criminal that I stayed home, did all the housework and kidwork and didn't get laid. Gah. SM.“” It’s no more criminal than if you decide to give hundreds of dollars to a random, unthreatening person whom you see on the street. The people in the situations you describe are fully participating in being in such situations. Sometimes they even were in such situations before marrying or in their honeymoon but remained in the wrong relationship, deliberately brought children into it, encouraged or allowed their spouse to not work or do chores. It’s an unpleasant cafe of their own making. What one might call criminal is they did it to themselves and continue to do so even feeling guilty if they complain or refuse to do their unfair share while getting little in return. They feel guilty at considering leaving. Their actions indicate this is the kind of life they deserve. Ouch
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Feb 5, 2018 11:17:42 GMT -5
Funny thing - all the adults in my house work full time. I am expected to give up some of my weekend time to get groceries and what not for the house. Yet, no one else is expected to clean, do dishes, or care for the animals in the house (none of which are mine). My wife can sit and play Candy Crush or read or watch her favorite TV shows and not give a crap about her surroundings. Except for the 4 year old accidentally spilling her drink on my W's favorite couch - oh, then she gives a crap. My daughter and granddaughter live with us, but my daughter will find some excuse to get out of the house (I think my wife's snarky comments to her may have something to do with that). All that being said, I still was not at the "dealbreaker" point. Except for today. The girls were gone for the day, and my W actually asked me if I was going to make her cum today. I of course said sure. I showered and got into bed and waited. I fell asleep and when I woke it was 1 hour and 45 minutes later. She never came in. I got dressed and started doing laundry. As it got later into the evening, I grabbed her as she walked by and copped a feel. She was getting ready to go out for the evening and said " oh, now you want to!" I said "I waited in bed for almost 2 hours and you never came in - I figured you had changed your mind". She said, "Well you never said you were ready!" i get cock teased and it's my fault. Why would you do something like that to someone you are supposed to love? I think, finally, it is time for me to go. I agree - you don't cock tease someone you love. You put out or shut up. My advice would be to say something to your wife in regards to her poor behavior and poor choice. I would tell her that if she's going to bring up sex and talk about it then she better put her money where her mouth is because you will not tolerate a cock tease. If she does not plan on having enthusiastic sex then she needs to keep her mouth shut about it and enjoy her Candy Crush. I'm sorry that happened to you. Hugs.
|
|
|
Post by doneanddone on Feb 5, 2018 13:24:53 GMT -5
Uh the fly infestations happened WITH a maid coming every two weeks. I will never understand the stay at home moms with maids. In my 14 years at home raising kids full time, never once did I have a house cleaner, window washer, meal, grocery, or laundry service. That’s what I stayed home for - all that plus kids. It was my full time job. I confess, I don’t have much respect for the women who hire all of that done AND stay home. But it could be I’m just jealous! For the men on here who are paying for those services and have stay at home wives AND are not getting sex?? That’s a serious entitlement complex you’re living with. I’m very sorry for any of you fellas in that boat. The W has actually asked me if I would pay for a cleaning service and my response was not only no but Hell to the No.....she works three days a week with 2 days off and she's asking for a maid......Not happening....
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Feb 5, 2018 13:51:48 GMT -5
“I agree - you don't cock tease someone you love. You put out or shut up.”
“You don’t cock tease someone you love” says it all.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Feb 5, 2018 14:59:40 GMT -5
petrushka makes a fair point that being a good provider and expecting sex in marriage are two disconnected things. It's not about tit-for-tat exchange. My personal chip-on-the-shoulder is more about the outsized alimony entitlement created by being a generous provider. It's particularly painful when the stay-at-home spouse hasn't done a good job. Of course, part of that equation is because their behavior is tolerated. Independently (but somewhat linked) is the idea that when one is being provided an easy lifestyle, they don't suffer a lot of common stressors that get in the way of a healthy sex life.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Feb 5, 2018 15:06:24 GMT -5
Wow this thread has grown like topsy. Or like mold in an unkempt refrigerator.
Allow me to make these observations: if your house is SERIOUSLY messy in my humble opinion it's quite possibly a sign that your domestic life and your marriage are both unhappy. A messy house is unhealthy psychologically and quite possibly physically. It makes you less likely to have people over which is not good in my humble opinion, and it's depressing. And none of this stuff makes a person feel sexy.
My take on all this is that a clean (not obsessively clean but comfortably clean) and neat house is a good, good thing. And if your house is a pit, something is wrong. The answer to the question of what is wrong- well who know? But in general, a messy house is a sign of deeper seated problems.
It doesn't necessarily mean that those problems are unconquerable, it doesn't mean that the people who live in the house are bad amorallazy people. Howeve, optimally happy, psychologically healthy people in my humble opinion generally have pleasantly clean and neat living spaces. If your house does not fit this discriptionW Well, Ithink action might be in order, be it reading an organization book, talking with your spouse & making a cleaning plan or getting professional counseling.
That's my take.
|
|