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Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 10:56:20 GMT -5
Got a problem.....duh that's why I'm here. Not only is my problem a SM but I am now starting to question whether or not my W is a lazy ass POS. We've been sexless now for 7 years, the exact age of our daughter, go figure. I've gone through the list of reasons for our SM so not gonna go there but now it's on another level. The W works 3 days a week, that's 24 hours Mon, Tues, Wed. She has a 4 day weekend every week.
(back story) Since the first day our daughter was taken to daycare when she was literally 7 months old...... the agreement we both made with each other as brand new parents was I would take her to daycare/school on Mondays and pick her up from daycare/school on Wednesdays. Leaving my W to take her on Tues, Wed, Thurs, and Fri as well as pick her up on those days EXCEPT Wed that's my day to get her. Remember the W only works M,T, W so you would think that taking her and picking her up on Thurs and Fri wouldn't be that big of a deal since oh yeah she isn't fucking working those days.
Does anyone here have a spouse that they are questioning is lazy? My W doesn't do shit on her 4 days off. She may do some laundry but by the time I get home on those days it's still piled up in the basket waiting to be folded and put away. She has maybe vacuumed the floors maybe 5 times in the 15 years we've lived in our home. Don't start with me and sweeping the stairs. We have hard wood stairs and hard wood floors in the basement. I on purpose have not touched them with a broom in 6 months to see if she would eventually grow disgusted with the build up of dirt and dust......she hasn't batted an eye at them. We have a cat that is older than dirt that hacks up fur balls and pukes all over the place, in closets, under beds, in the kitchen.....she leaves it there.....walks right past it to go out to the screen deck to smoke her cigs every morning. The fucking liter box is the bane of my existence......I love animals but want this one to go away. She'll wash dishes and leave them in the sink for weeks on end and if the dish washer is full, she leaves them for weeks as well. She takes the trash bag out of the trash can and walks 3 feet, opens the back door and puts trash bags on the deck.
Am I being to harsh......
Is she lazy if my description is on point?
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 31, 2018 11:05:18 GMT -5
Has she always not done housework even before you lived together? If she has always been this way, that’s how she is. If she has changed over the years, she could be depressed, something that can be easy for the depressed person not to know.
I suffered with it for years. It was even a struggle to pick up a dead bug off the floor. Doing virtually anything exhausted me.
If it’s possible she is depressed, insist she get a full medical workout. If depression is diagnosed, have her consult with s psychiatrist about meds. Psychiatrists are the only medical practitioners with the training and knowledge to know what they are doing in prescribing meds for mental health problems. FYI, sntideoresssants’ effect on libido varies. I was on cymbalta for years and continued having a high libido and ability to orgasm.
Even if she’s just lazy, calling her a pos is harsh and that attitude could make it hard for her to be amenable to doing more.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 31, 2018 11:20:00 GMT -5
She is lazy for sure.
She might be depressed but only she can help herself.
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Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 11:22:34 GMT -5
Has she always not done housework even before you lived together? If she has always been this way, that’s how she is. If she has changed over the years, she could be depressed, something that can be easy for the depressed person not to know. I suffered with it for years. It was even a struggle to pick up a dead bug off the floor. Doing virtually anything exhausted me. If it’s possible she is depressed, insist she get a full medical workout. If depression is diagnosed, have her consult with s psychiatrist about meds. Psychiatrists are the only medical practitioners with the training and knowledge to know what they are doing in prescribing meds for mental health problems. FYI, sntideoresssants’ effect on libido varies. I was on cymbalta for years and continued having a high libido and ability to orgasm. Even if she’s just lazy, calling her a pos is harsh and that attitude could make it hard for her to be amenable to doing more. I appreciate the feedback. I have never called her a POS to her face and this is place is my go to for venting and stress release. She has changed over the years. Before we married she did have a sense of cleanliness with her apartment and her stuff. I think she is just of the frame of mind that none of it is hers so why should she give a fuck. She doesn't own anything. She has no financial responsibilities other than the 1 credit card and 3 department store cards she has in her name. Everything else is in my name.....house, cars, insurance, utilities.....everything. She like to throw that in my face every now and then when we fight or when she starts to feel like I am not "being part of our marriage" that she doens't have anything and everything she did have she had to give up when we got married. She had a car but it was a two door little coupe thing....not practical for a newborn so we sold it and got a crossover for her....in my name since she had no credit. I've often wondered if she was depressed.....clinically depressed not self diagnosed which she seems tends to do sometimes. I'll be a little open about my life here with everyone. For the better half of 20+ years I served my country proudly in the military. My career in the military was on the health care side so knowing the ins and out of emergency medicine, clinical conditions, illnesses, mental health/well being... are things I would consider myself to be very knowledgeable and highly experienced in. Like I said, I lived it and did it for over 20 years. The W is a ghost when it comes to doctors across the board. She is from the belief that only bad news comes from going to the doctor. But she only believes that about herself. She'll be the first one to tell me when I need to go see one or she'll be all about making sure our daughter goes to she the pediatrician. I really don't know what to think anymore. I just know I'm tired and starting to question if I'm going to end up depressed because of the situation if I allow it to continue......
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Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 11:23:40 GMT -5
She is lazy for sure. She might be depressed but only she can help herself. So what would be a good way to start that conversation to where I can get her to understand that about herself. She hates going to doctors.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 31, 2018 11:32:02 GMT -5
Having had depression, I know very well how difficult it is to not only recognize it in oneself but also to get the energy to find help. Expecting a seriously depressed person just help themselves and handle well their home responsibilities is like expecting a person who can barely function due to the flu or cancer to clean the house and get themselves to medical care.
If she is so depressed she’s not functioning, she’d need his help getting medical care.
After I lost a job and then my mother suddenly died, I could barely get out of bed to get my kids to school, I then went back to bed and slept all day. It even was hard for me to select clothes to wear or even to brush my teeth. My husband either never noticed or didn’t give s damn. In fact, he said I was doing great and should go with him to office parties st the place where he worked which was the place that let me go!
I finally got myself into therapy. Looking back, I wish I had recognized that my husband’s lack of empathy was a reason to divorce.
Depression is a real illness. It’s not s lack of willpower.
I don’t know if the op’s wife is depressed but it sounds like an avenue to explore.
If it ends up that she’d just lazy, that’s something to take into consideration if he divorced. A good father would attempt to gain custody if his kids’ mom isn’t responsible.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jan 31, 2018 11:32:28 GMT -5
7 YEARS!!!!! whether she is lazy or not, Every infraction is amplified 10,000 times when there is no sex. Cat litter is my bane also! Cat died last Christmas - very sad BUT I told her if another it is outside cat or nothing. That litter box and cat got more attention than I ever did - I think I was jealous of the affection the cat received. LOL Yes, she is lazy but I do agree that she IS DEPRESSED. And you cannot help her because when no sex, we are jaded and not the best support. The more she feels the resentment, the worse she gets. Take pictures, develop them and lay them out on the table. Then just say "you need help" and I do no deserve to live like this.
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Post by lostintime on Jan 31, 2018 11:42:31 GMT -5
I think most girls from the young age have one very important goal in life. To get married and have kids, once the goal is achieved they become lazy. I am not saying it applies to all women but a lot of them are like that.
My wife is lazy started working part time recently and have not worked for approximately 10 years. She cleans the house sometimes and cooks sometimes. She does look after the two kids and that is about it. She sleeps as much as a 10 year old, approximately 8-9 hours a day. She gets very excited when she goes out with the girls 1-2 times a month or when she goes for coffee with girls during the day 2-3 times a week. The house is borderline clean because when its dusty I get very upset and bring it up to her attention.
I sleep 5-6 hours a day and work long hours, sometimes on the weekends. I started cutting my hours from 75 hours to 70 and plan to work 60 hours or less with in a year. I think depression is used as an excuse in most circumstances. I think I am depressed but still work long hours, sleep very little and never lazy to have sex. Also do not watch TV or use Facebook. I think Netflix and Facebook is what takes most of my wife's time.
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 31, 2018 11:57:42 GMT -5
My house gets vacuumed several times a DAY (not always by me, granted--and also granted, I have a gazillion children), so I don't even know what to say about this.
Here's the sticky thing. I don't think I would vacuum someone else's house several times a day. But I definitely OCD clean my own. Something to think about.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 31, 2018 12:06:43 GMT -5
“Yes, she is lazy but I do agree that she IS DEPRESSED. And you cannot help her because when no sex, we are jaded and not the best support”
Being sexless doesn’t mean one has an excuse to not help a spouse with a serious medical condition. Would bring the refused be an excuse for you to not assist a spouse with breast cancer, a heart attack or a stroke?’
I’d been years without sex yet still got my husband to the hospital and assisted when he had s life threatening blood clot.
If you really view being in a sexless marriage as a reason to not help an ill spouse, divorce her. You don’t have love nor basic compassion for her as a person. Your marriage is over.
I do not know if his wife is depressed but it is something for him to do whatever is necessary to get her assessed. Regardless of whether she’s lazy or depressed, her behavior also affects their kids. He has to step it up and do more than his share in order to assure their welfare including if they divorce.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 31, 2018 12:21:41 GMT -5
Lazy? Maybe not.
Manipulative and controlling? Quite possibly.
Living on a one way street paved with double standards? Sure sounds like it.
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Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 12:53:36 GMT -5
Having had depression, I know very well how difficult it is to not only recognize it in oneself but also to get the energy to find help. Expecting a seriously depressed person just help themselves and handle well their home responsibilities is like expecting a person who can barely function due to the flu or cancer to clean the house and get themselves to medical care. If she is so depressed she’s not functioning, she’d need his help getting medical care. After I lost a job and then my mother suddenly died, I could barely get out of bed to get my kids to school, I then went back to bed and slept all day. It even was hard for me to select clothes to wear or even to brush my teeth. My husband either never noticed or didn’t give s damn. In fact, he said I was doing great and should go with him to office parties st the place where he worked which was the place that let me go! I finally got myself into therapy. Looking back, I wish I had recognized that my husband’s lack of empathy was a reason to divorce. Depression is a real illness. It’s not s lack of willpower. I don’t know if the op’s wife is depressed but it sounds like an avenue to explore. If it ends up that she’d just lazy, that’s something to take into consideration if he divorced. A good father would attempt to gain custody if his kids’ mom isn’t responsible. I've never dis-created anyone who was every diagnosed with clinical depression. There is a difference in clinical depression and what someone thinks is depression. There are key indicators, chemical indicators, hormonal S&S and it is different for everyone. No one two individuals are the same clinically depressed. That is the one thing about medicine that will never fail. There will always be specific set of criteria to go by when diagnosing and it's up to the provider to interpret the results the same to diagnose properly. I'm not trying to put you off or offend you for your depression by any means. If I have then please accept my apology. I do know and understand what you mean by "a seriously depressed person to just help themselves and handle...." But....there is a caveat to this....at some point even if you were alone and from what you described sounded like you were alone, you made the decision to get help. You made the decision to get help. You made the decision to get help. Yes, in the perfect world in a perfect marriage, the H or W would be right there next to their spouse being encouraging, supportive, understanding, empathetic, loving, caring,......all those things a perfect married couple would do for each other when the other suffers a loss or is depressed.... I have a difficult time believing someone who lives on their phone through social media, gossips with friends and about friends, watches reality TV on Bravo and Lifetime (I call that how to be a ho TV), drinks socially but more frequent, smokes cigs at a rate of almost a pack and half a day......I have a hard time thinking this person has clinical depression or is even depressed with their life vs. just being straight up lazy.... I could see how she could be upset with her life choices and how she is living her life today....that could be a contributing factor to her what I perceive as laziness but depression.....nope not buying it.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jan 31, 2018 12:54:13 GMT -5
“Yes, she is lazy but I do agree that she IS DEPRESSED. And you cannot help her because when no sex, we are jaded and not the best support” Being sexless doesn’t mean one has an excuse to not help a spouse with a serious medical condition. Would bring the refused be an excuse for you to not assist a spouse with breast cancer, a heart attack or a stroke?’ I’d been years without sex yet still got my husband to the hospital and assisted when he had s life threatening blood clot. If you really view being in a sexless marriage as a reason to not help an ill spouse, divorce her. You don’t have love nor basic compassion for her as a person. Your marriage is over. I do not know if his wife is depressed but it is something for him to do whatever is necessary to get her assessed. Regardless of whether she’s lazy or depressed, her behavior also affects their kids. He has to step it up and do more than his share in order to assure their welfare including if they divorce. Not to be misunderstood. I can see how that wording looks. Oh I am very caring. But I think his wife checked out of the marriage a long while back. He can offer help with depression, but many wives have a real tough time admitting it is real and don't want (us) the spouse they resent to be their "fixer". But any of us here would certainly - that's why we are here - would go to any length to help. But an outsider can also be a huge help here whether a sister or friend.
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 31, 2018 12:56:43 GMT -5
Medical condition, perhaps? My wife has a low iron condition, just discovered, that has sapped her energy. Of course, before that it was hormones, depression, worn out by both kids,... Who knows what the problem, or the solution is.
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Post by wewbwb on Jan 31, 2018 13:04:32 GMT -5
One cannot "force" a depressed person to seek help. I know this firsthand.
"A person who doesn't want to isn't going to." - WEWBWB. (your zen of the day - you're welcome.)
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