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Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:04:38 GMT -5
7 YEARS!!!!! whether she is lazy or not, Every infraction is amplified 10,000 times when there is no sex. Cat litter is my bane also! Cat died last Christmas - very sad BUT I told her if another it is outside cat or nothing. That litter box and cat got more attention than I ever did - I think I was jealous of the affection the cat received. LOL Yes, she is lazy but I do agree that she IS DEPRESSED. And you cannot help her because when no sex, we are jaded and not the best support. The more she feels the resentment, the worse she gets. Take pictures, develop them and lay them out on the table. Then just say "you need help" and I do no deserve to live like this. Wow....now that's gangster. Take pictures, drop a line or two and bounce. That would get a response and probably not in the good way....lol You nailed it. Without sex or intimacy my support no matter to what extent I went to lend it would go unappreciated. She is the refuser in our SM and this is how she is. It is extremely difficult for me to support her when she gets in her "moods". Maybe it the big Pause she's getting into....at this point I truly don't give a fuck what it is......but she needs to recognize the surroundings she assisted in creating. I hold myself accountable for part of the SM because I am the part she has refused for so long. This just happens to be a byproduct of it.....
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Post by cagedadventurer on Jan 31, 2018 13:05:43 GMT -5
doneanddone - I have a difficult time believing someone who lives on their phone through social media, gossips with friends and about friends, watches reality TV on Bravo and Lifetime (I call that how to be a ho TV), drinks socially but more frequent, smokes cigs at a rate of almost a pack and half a day......I have a hard time thinking this person has clinical depression or is even depressed with their life vs. just being straight up lazy....
I could see how she could be upset with her life choices and how she is living her life today....that could be a contributing factor to her what I perceive as laziness but depression.....nope not buying it.
I take back my comments - she's lazy.
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Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:10:58 GMT -5
I think most girls from the young age have one very important goal in life. To get married and have kids, once the goal is achieved they become lazy. I am not saying it applies to all women but a lot of them are like that. My wife is lazy started working part time recently and have not worked for approximately 10 years. She cleans the house sometimes and cooks sometimes. She does look after the two kids and that is about it. She sleeps as much as a 10 year old, approximately 8-9 hours a day. She gets very excited when she goes out with the girls 1-2 times a month or when she goes for coffee with girls during the day 2-3 times a week. The house is borderline clean because when its dusty I get very upset and bring it up to her attention. I sleep 5-6 hours a day and work long hours, sometimes on the weekends. I started cutting my hours from 75 hours to 70 and plan to work 60 hours or less with in a year. I think depression is used as an excuse in most circumstances. I think I am depressed but still work long hours, sleep very little and never lazy to have sex. Also do not watch TV or use Facebook. I think Netflix and Facebook is what takes most of my wife's time. Sounds all to familiar lostintimeWe have a daughter and the W only works Mon, Tues, and Wed. That's a 4 day weekend every week. Dusty floors, laundry piled high or falling out of the basket, dirty AND clean dishes in the sink and dishwasher, watches Bravo and Lifetime, shops online, hates her girlfriends and thinks they are all caddie bitches.....
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Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:21:38 GMT -5
“Yes, she is lazy but I do agree that she IS DEPRESSED. And you cannot help her because when no sex, we are jaded and not the best support” Being sexless doesn’t mean one has an excuse to not help a spouse with a serious medical condition. Would bring the refused be an excuse for you to not assist a spouse with breast cancer, a heart attack or a stroke?’ I’d been years without sex yet still got my husband to the hospital and assisted when he had s life threatening blood clot. If you really view being in a sexless marriage as a reason to not help an ill spouse, divorce her. You don’t have love nor basic compassion for her as a person. Your marriage is over. I do not know if his wife is depressed but it is something for him to do whatever is necessary to get her assessed. Regardless of whether she’s lazy or depressed, her behavior also affects their kids. He has to step it up and do more than his share in order to assure their welfare including if they divorce. I'm gonna step back for a moment and ask for some clarification..... "He has to step it up and do more than his share in order to assure their welfare including if they divorce." Please expound on this one....cause I can go years without sex....hell I've already gone 7, what's another 7.....?! I'd like to think that my nature of being the father of a child that my natural instincts of being a protector would kick into gear and a flag would be raised the moment I felt my daughters life was in danger....or the potential for my daughters future to be in jeopardy. Being supportive for someone who is clinically depressed is something I am completely capable and willing to do if and when that happens.......
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 31, 2018 13:22:38 GMT -5
She is lazy for sure. She might be depressed but only she can help herself. So what would be a good way to start that conversation to where I can get her to understand that about herself. She hates going to doctors. I would just be real with her. Tell her she needs to go to a therapist. Perhaps hire a cleaning service to reset the house and once clean maybe that will help everyone to restart mentally in addition to therapy. I have been depressed myself where I can't get motivated to get out of bed.
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Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:23:04 GMT -5
Lazy? Maybe not. Manipulative and controlling? Quite possibly. Living on a one way street paved with double standards? Sure sounds like it. That is an angle I had not thought about.....interesting....
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Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:25:34 GMT -5
One cannot "force" a depressed person to seek help. I know this firsthand. "A person who doesn't want to isn't going to." - WEWBWB. (your zen of the day - you're welcome.) Pound it...!
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Post by wewbwb on Jan 31, 2018 13:28:41 GMT -5
One cannot "force" a depressed person to seek help. I know this firsthand. "A person who doesn't want to isn't going to." - WEWBWB. (your zen of the day - you're welcome.) Pound it...! I did. - and I still can't get the keyboard clean. Oh. Sorry. I thought that you meant- oh never mind.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 31, 2018 13:28:47 GMT -5
Just to throw a twist in this, with divorce happening that gave me every right to stop maintaining and cleaning a house that was no longer going to be mine. Even if I was living there. Then there's been all the delays, about 7 of them. Times when I said" why should I get out there and climb and trim trees with chain saws, pressure wash fences, driveways, buildings, clean pools, fix sagging gutters, change vents, repair sinks, washing machines, toilets, trim bushes, spray insecticides, dust and do windows, etc... when in a month and a half it won't be mine? AND she needs to put on her big girl britches and start doing these things FOR HER SELF or pay someone, because I am not going to be here.
Something our spouses need to start considering as they continue to reject us with the SM.
(What's crazy is how much I want to do this stuff, butt have to hold myself back)
I've already been told that my attorney is going to use it for my advantage. And that my W is going to try to paint me as lazy. All I have to do is explain how much I've been responsible for ( it's quite a list) ,for decades and it wasn't going to be mine any longer, then how she decided to not step up.
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Post by wewbwb on Jan 31, 2018 13:30:21 GMT -5
So what would be a good way to start that conversation to where I can get her to understand that about herself. She hates going to doctors. I would just be real with her. Tell her she needs to go to a therapist. Perhaps hire a cleaning service to reset the house and once clean maybe that will help everyone to restart mentally in addition to therapy. I have been depressed myself where I can't get motivated to get out of bed. (That or you were tied to the bed.....) I have no idea what is wrong with me. I'm sorry.
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Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:31:03 GMT -5
I did. - and I still can't get the keyboard clean. Oh. Sorry. I thought that you meant- oh never mind.
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Post by wewbwb on Jan 31, 2018 13:32:10 GMT -5
I did. - and I still can't get the keyboard clean. Oh. Sorry. I thought that you meant- oh never mind. Oh.
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 31, 2018 13:33:08 GMT -5
I would just be real with her. Tell her she needs to go to a therapist. Perhaps hire a cleaning service to reset the house and once clean maybe that will help everyone to restart mentally in addition to therapy. I have been depressed myself where I can't get motivated to get out of bed. (That or you were tied to the bed.....) I have no idea what is wrong with me. I'm sorry. Ha! If only!!
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Post by doneanddone on Jan 31, 2018 13:46:56 GMT -5
Just to throw a twist in this, with divorce happening that gave me every right to stop maintaining and cleaning a house that was no longer going to be mine. Even if I was living there. Then there's been all the delays, about 7 of them. Times when I said" why should I get out there and climb and trim trees with chain saws, pressure wash fences, driveways, buildings, clean pools, fix sagging gutters, change vents, repair sinks, washing machines, toilets, trim bushes, spray insecticides, dust and do windows, etc... when in a month and a half it won't be mine? AND she needs to put on her big girl britches and start doing these things FOR HER SELF or pay someone, because I am not going to be here. Something our spouses need to start considering as they continue to reject us with the SM. (What's crazy is how much I want to do this stuff, butt have to hold myself back) I've already been told that my attorney is going to use it for my advantage. And that my W is going to try to paint me as lazy. All I have to do is explain how much I've been responsible for ( it's quite a list) ,for decades and it wasn't going to be mine any longer, then how she decided to not step up. That just doesn't seem morally right to me. If I see shit on the floor, I'm gonna clean it up. The one thing I did do was intentionally not sweep the stairs just to see if she would and she hasn't one even given it a thought even though she walks up and down them every single day at least 5 times. She's even said out loud vocally from her mouth to my ears......"I can't believe the amount of dust that collects in our house...." HELLO....MCFLY......ANYBODY HOME.......if that's not lazy I don't know what is.....
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Post by saarinista on Jan 31, 2018 13:56:31 GMT -5
One cannot "force" a depressed person to seek help. I know this firsthand. "A person who doesn't want to isn't going to." - WEWBWB. (your zen of the day - you're welcome.) True, you can't force anyone to get psychiatric help (except for three days if they're a threat to their own or someone else's safety, I think you can have them committed but and that's different) but you can call their attention to a situation in a caring way and suggest that they may be depressed, which they themselves may not have considered. You can look up potential resources for counseling and psychiatric consults for them or call yourself. If that doesn't work, one might also seek out a counselor themself to brainstorm ideas about how to deal with this extreme sounding situation. FYI, I've been clinically depressed for years, but keep it at bay with an antidepressant. I'm still not exactly happy, but I think my husband is depressed too (as you said, you can't force someone to seek help) and not having had sex in 8.5 years isn't making me any cheerier for sure. Anyway, I have a lot of inertia from the remnants of my depression, but I can generally shame myself into keeping the house livable, if not exactly tidy. Once I get going on vacuuming, watch out! I also have ADHD so organizing and prioritizing is difficult for me, but I try. And sometimes, i even succeed! Main point is doneanddone your wife's behavior sounds intolerable and I can see why you're frustrated. Definitely, encourage her in every way possible to get a psych consult. If that doesn't happen soon, you might end up on one of those hoarding shows! Just kidding, but you know. and as northstarmom said...well, just take her advice. And I would do it soon, because you sound very frustrated and resentful. No judgement about that, I can totally understand, but I would not let this situation fester for too long. The furballs and hairballs are already festering, growing new bacterial cultures, etc. for you! I say this in all love, truly
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