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Post by obobfla on Jun 7, 2018 23:18:40 GMT -5
So sorry, JMX . Hate to say it, but I know the feeling. I felt really raw after my wife´s death. The fact that your ex died of an overdose makes it even sadder. But as good as it was with him, you were smart to get out when you did, even if it led you to your current situation. Maybe it’s time to find for yourself the happiness that your ex could never find.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 7, 2018 18:12:14 GMT -5
I had to move only days after my wife died, forcing me to go through photos and papers. Thankfully, I had family members who were able to gather up my wife’s stuff. My sisters first let my son pick out his favorites before they put her clothing and jewelry away. The photos and papers were boxed up, and I began sorting through them once I got settled.
I learned to take the photos and papers in small bites. I would eventually have to stop and cry. Once the tears came, that was it. I put the boxes away and waited another day. But sorting through the photos has been necessary for my grieving. I would remember both the good and the bad, and it helped me come to terms with her passing. God knows I am still not there yet. But slowly, I am putting a little perspective on her passing, living my life and raising my son.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 2, 2018 9:07:00 GMT -5
I would highly recommend you don’t have an affair. Your husband probably isn’t intentionally hurting you. An affair is something you will never be able to take back. If he found out, it is almost certain to destroy the relationship you have with him. I agree... and I don´t think I could have an affair. Not now From my own experience, having an affair helped. I wondered if any woman would find me attractive, and I thought the SM was my fault. It wasn’t. While the sex was nice, the conversations and friendship were the most helpful. Mine was a long-distance affair, so we would chat often via Skype or Facebook. It was wonderful to see her face light up when she saw me! In lieu of an affair, maybe just start reaching out to the people here. You need someone who acknowledges that you are a desirable woman.
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Post by obobfla on May 12, 2018 20:57:49 GMT -5
This will be a strange Mother’s Day for me. I am taking my son to see his grandmother, who was my mother-in-law. It wil be his first Mother’s Day without his mother. She passed away in December. I’ve had my son in counseling and support groups, so he has been handling his mother’s death well.
But holidays like this bring out the hurt. I went through it Tuesday, which was supposed to be our 19th wedding anniversary. I called in sick to work and stayed in bed that day. Didn’t want to face or see anyone. Didn’t want to deal with rush hour traffic. Part of it was to protect the world from me, because I was in wounded animal/honey badger mode. What few fucks I had to give went away with my wife’s death. Don’t know what I would have done if someone cut me off in traffic.
My own mother died seven years ago, and it was my mother-in-law who helped me through that first one. Of my son, me, and her, she is the one probably hurting the most. My wife was her youngest.
I imagine there will be a lot of cathartic crying. Should have bought stock in Kleenex.
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Post by obobfla on Apr 23, 2018 19:15:51 GMT -5
Anyone else here a complete sucker for collective nouns? An exuberance of finches - that one makes me so happy. A murder of crows. A chaste of ILIASM shitholes? Or an abstinence of sexless marriages?
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Post by obobfla on Apr 23, 2018 18:16:24 GMT -5
Careful making assumptions about what I (or any other person) know or don’t know or admit or don’t admit about our situations. There’s a lot of details left out here. I’m looking for practical advice, here. Really, I know my situation. Just from reading this thread, here is my advice: 1. Do not spend another night in the same place as that man. He is not stable. In fact, consider a restraining order. It’s a piece of paper, but it gives you the option to call police when he comes close. 2. I would agree with @greekgoddess and others about Alanon. You would be surprised the amount of support you get. 3. Unless you trust a man completely, stick to females for help. You don’t need a white knight type right now, and a lot of men would jump in to help you for all the wrong reasons. 4. See a lawyer ASAP about what financial separation you can do. Hide your money in places he can’t access. I really shouldn’t give advice, but you asked.
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Post by obobfla on Apr 23, 2018 16:57:56 GMT -5
Obobfla, How'd you meet your new partner? Hearing how you got together would give some hope to those who fear that they will be forever partnerless if they leave their SM. This especially is true of people in longterm marriages who haven't dated in years. What does your new partner think is crazy about herself? I met her on OK Cupid. The site gives more details than others, so I find it easier to find someone more compatible with me. I tried other sites, but there were a few train wrecks there. My partner had meningitis years ago and has a short term memory issue. However, her memory is not as bad as my late wife’s. My wife could never find where she parked her car. As to my partner, she was married to a man who constantly put her down. Even years after her divorce, she has trouble shaking that or really telling someone how much she loves them. On the surface, she has a great self image. But she is still susceptible to depression and finds it hard to believe that things are going well. In a way, that is fine by me, as I am feeling the same. As we get closer, we may have issues arise. But right now, we are right where we want to be.
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Post by obobfla on Apr 22, 2018 22:18:58 GMT -5
Appreciate all the comments.
I was with my ladyfriend last night. She said she was broken and that I was in a relationship with “crazy ol me!”
I told her with a straight face that she was the sanest woman I had been in a relationship with. She didn’t believe me, but then I told her of my late wife’s schizo-affective disorder, the bipolar girls I dated, and the various co-dependents I had known. We had a good talk about past relationships. She was in a marriage that was emotionally abusive, so she is reticent about making any long term commitments or saying “I love you” to any man. She hasn’t said it to me, but I told her that her actions say it. We’re both happy with where we are right now.
But I owe myself a weekend retreat somewhere - away from her, my son, and everyone else. Since I’m a recovering alcoholic, I am due for a fourth step repeat. For those unfamilair with 12-step programs, a fourth step is where you take a long look at yourself, doing a “fearless moral inventory” and identifying your resentments and faults. The greatest dangers to us addicts and alcoholics are the parts of our lives that can lead us to bouts of self-pity. We also have to stop repeating patterns in our relationships as well.
I spent 17 years taking care of someone who was more like a daughter than my wife. I don’t need to repeat that. Fortunately, my ladyfriend is a lot more self-sufficient that my wife and much more strong emotionally. But I told her I will need to take some time to think about where I’ve been and where I want to go. I don’t know know where or when I will take this weekend, but hopefully soon.
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Post by obobfla on Apr 21, 2018 15:53:40 GMT -5
I have been in a relationship for a little more than a month. So far, it’s been great. We have regular sex, which is something new for me. When I got sick with a bad cold and fever, she came over and took care of me, getting the cold herself. She doesn’t want much and says she is very happy with me. She knows that I am newly widowed and lets me mourn my wife when I need to. She’s not putting any pressure on me to move in with her or get married.
So, what is the problem? I find myself feeling the itch to try elsewhere, even though there is no one else in the picture. Maybe it’s too much too soon. Maybe she is not my normal type. Who knows?
I have to tell myself that it would be stupid of me to give up what I have. I think Paul Simon has me down to a tee.
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Post by obobfla on Mar 31, 2018 13:39:22 GMT -5
I had an affair, and it did wonders for my self esteem. But distance ruined that relationship too. Still, I have no regrets.
I can relate to how you feel about your husband. After so many years of being rejected, I built up a resentment to my wife. Had she greeted me at the door naked, begging me for sex, I would not even be slightly interested in her. I loved her, but I was no longer in love with her.
The resentment bled into other parts of my life, stressing me out on the job and affecting my son. Although I couldn’t change my wife, I could work on myself. My emphasis was to work on myself and be with my son.
My marriage ended with my wife’s death, not divorce, last December. Believe it or not, I miss her. I have since started a new relationship that is perfect for where I am at right now. My lady friend lets me cry when I need to, and we have great guilt-free sex at least once a week. I am still grieving, but I am doing ok.
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Post by obobfla on Mar 5, 2018 20:37:09 GMT -5
ted, what you are feeling sounds a lot like what I am feeling with my wife’s death. First, it was a feeling I could best describe as “raw.” Other widows and widowers have used the same word. It’s like a large bandage was yanked off a gaping wound, and the cold air is hitting the blood oozing out of the wound and stinging it. Things felt surreal, and I wanted to deny it. Next came the anger, as in why did this happen to her, and why am I having to go through this. I have calmed down, but for a while there I had a hair-trigger temper. I sense that anger in you. The third is the sadness. What really brings on the tears is not so much her absense as it is thinking about what she could have been had she not been so mentally and physically ill. I see a picture of her smiling or hear her voice, and the flood starts. She had an imagination and a sense of humor that her illness replaced with fear. Without that fear, she was really beautiful. I realize there is a difference. My wife is in an urn, out of sight. Along with the anger and the sadness is the relief that her suffering is over. I can move on with my life. Yours is right before you, wearing swimsuits and talking to the kids you both have. It makes it difficult to “bury the body.” You have no relief, at least not yet. But you are grieving your marriage, very much like I am grieving mine.
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Post by obobfla on Mar 4, 2018 12:41:47 GMT -5
My situation is different in that my wife’s conditions were totally the result of the chemicals in her head, not some previous trauma. She suffered from schizo-affective disorder, which results in mood swings and delusions. Think a little bit of schizophrenia combined a spoonful of bipolar disorder, and you get schizo-affective.
Once the voices came, getting her to a psychiatrist was mandatory. We found a good one, and he got her medicines right fairly quickly. In Florida, however, psychiatric care involves 15 minutes of managing the meds. For counseling, we tried several depending on what insurance company we had at the time. Some were excellent, but others leaved something to be desired.
I was fortunate that my wife was extremely cooperative - almost too cooperative at times. She not only agreed to give permission for me to speak with her therapists; she also wanted me to sit in on as many sessions as possible. I told her that she would have to go alone, and that she could bitch about me to her therapists if she needed. I had been through therapy enough to know that space of confidentiality was essential.
Those permissions she gave me were vital in her therapy. Under U.S. law, mental health therapists are legally barred from even acknowledging that someone is under their care, even to family members. Had my wife not given her permission, I could not call the psychiatrist and tell him my wife’s symptoms. The best I could do was send a letter to his office. All of us tell white lies to doctors and nurses (“I’m fine,” “I only smoke three cigarettes a day,” “I follow my diet”), and my wife liked to tell her therapists everything was fine when everything wasn’t. With the permission, I could be the doctor’s eyes and ears and mention that everything was not fine.
I was also able to mention the sexlessness of our marriage, and the psychiatrist did some adjustments to her meds. But these adjustments never worked. The biggest problem was that my wife never went to a gynecologist for that.
My wife passed away in December, so I stayed until the bitter end. I did outsource twice during the marriage. She was fighting her mental illness, so I had to be there to help her. Had she not gone to therapy, I would have no choice but to leave her. But she went, and she needed me there to help her with her fight.
In discussing whether to leave or go with mentally ill spouses, I always bring up the common cold. Excuse me if I have mentioned this in other posts. It’s not someone’s fault if he or she becomes mentally ill no more than if that person comes down with a cold. However, it is the responsibility of sufferers to wipe their own noses and cover their mouths. The same goes for mental illnesses. Just because someone close to you is mentally ill does not mean you have to endure the symptoms, especially if they are unbearable. I could bear my wife’s illness, but it was not easy.
As to timetables, I don’t know if any therapist can provide an accurate timetable as to when treatment will work or even if it will work. You have to take care of yourself.
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Post by obobfla on Feb 26, 2018 21:34:12 GMT -5
ted, I see your point, but several other thoughts come through with your post. The first one is that it’s February. I’m in Florida, and it’s still too cold for me to swim. Must be heaters or you are somewhere warmer, maybe in Baza’s neck of the woods. The second is that the request to go swimming was probably made at the behest of your kids. She wasn’t wearing the swimsuit to torture you. But I think she wanted some normal “family time,” as dysfunctional as that may be. Whether it was a ploy to reconsider your decision, I have no idea. But I do know kids like to see their parents get along. Your marriage is not going to be saved, nor should it be at this point. You both have to move on. If you both need counseling to set ground rules, go for it. But you both have to get over whatever resentments to be capable co-parents together. I’ve never been a divorced parent, so I can’t speak from personal experience. But I know that the resentment I created towards my wife over a sexless marriage hurt both my son and me.
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Post by obobfla on Feb 26, 2018 18:16:44 GMT -5
After hearing too often from my wife that she “just wanted to cuddle” and a very disappointing “romantic” weekend away, I told her that if she wanted any sex-related activity, she would have to ask me for it. I would no longer initiate it, and she would have to verbally ask me. She never did from that point.
We still kept up the physical affection, such as kissing each other goodbye in the morning and the occasional hug. Looking back now, I am glad I did that. But I was so frustrated for trying to get something going only to be disappointed later, so anything more than a hug and a kiss was something she would request. I would no longer ask for it.
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Post by obobfla on Feb 25, 2018 1:26:33 GMT -5
No mypaintbrushes, it is not selfish - unless taking a breath of fresh air is too self-serving. It’s like that safety speech they give on airlines. Put your own oxygen mask on first before you put it on others. I’ve taken a few solo trips myself, Kept me together, I plan another one soon, just so I can sit back and see where i am going.
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