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Post by mypaintbrushes on Apr 20, 2018 23:28:48 GMT -5
I’m at my mom’s house and describing for her the events of recent weeks, including h grabbing my face and forcing me to kiss him, blocking my way from leaving the kitchen and insisting that we should combine finances (after almost 20 years together).
When, in particular, I described having to wrench my head away, her eyes got big. Then she said:
“I don’t know what to tell you,”
So I need a support system. One that does NOT include her - I guess - or any of my friends he’s decided are his friends too.
Trying not to panic or overthink it.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 20, 2018 23:41:14 GMT -5
Friends at work? Sisters with more sense than your mom? Do you see a counselor or therapist? I don’t know your timeframe for exit planning. There are resources in the Resource sub forum section on the site - for what to do in case of domestic violence. I’d suggest you read some of that info. You may not need a crisis shelter right now, but it would be good to do some research on it anyway, in case a need arises suddenly. Don’t combine finances. If you can help it AT ALL. That sudden move is an obvious power play to remove your freedom of choice & movement. Yes, you need a support network. Even if you had a healthy marriage, you really need one. Stay on an even keel as much as you can, emotionally. You have to see clearly and think straight.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Apr 21, 2018 2:06:47 GMT -5
So I need a support system. One that does NOT include her - I guess - or any of my friends he’s decided are his friends too. That doesn’t necessarily mean they want to be his friend. Especially if they know how much he is hurting you. You deserve better than this. Some of them really seem to admire him...
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 21, 2018 5:22:57 GMT -5
That doesn’t necessarily mean they want to be his friend. Especially if they know how much he is hurting you. You deserve better than this. Some of them really seem to admire him... That's probably true.Why is that? because he wears a fake mask around them too. You can expose the truth. Truth will set you free. His 'admiring friends" are most likely surface friendships and buy into him on the surface. Show them the truth -what lies below the surface- and they will flee from him. You will discover from this what a true friend is all about . People who put action to their words. I'm sorry you are going through this. You are going to end up with better friends and relationships in the end but YOU have to go THROUGH it. Don't live in Hell. Go THROUGH HELL and come out on the other side. Yes your clothes will be filled with smoke but you come out a better person person , a free person.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 21, 2018 6:45:35 GMT -5
“So I need a support system. One that does NOT include her - I guess - or any of my friends he’s decided are his friends too. “
1. You have a support system here that includes people who keep telling you your husband’s behavior is cruel, neglectful and abusive.
2. Get into individual therapy with a licensed therapist whom at first encounter you feel a connection with. If your schedule doesn’t allow in person meetings, Google to find licensed therapists whom you can connect with by phone or Internet.
Also several of us have expressed fears of your husband's becoming more physically violent especially if you decide to leave. Have you read about how to safely leave an abusive relationship? Are you getting things in order to do so? That includes being informed about resources in your area.
Have you talked to a lawyer?
I’m curious about this: what did you want from your mother when you told her about your h’s behavior?
Reassurance that his behavior was abusive and dysfunctional?
Help with leaving him?
Maybe she doesn’t know either what you want from her. Maybe she’d give you what you want if you directly asked for it. It may be that she and your friends don’t like your husband and he treats you but you seem so in love with or committed to him that they fear your anger if they speak against him.
It also may be that when you and he are around others, you both put on fake masks so no one realizes how dysfunctional your marriage is.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 21, 2018 7:34:05 GMT -5
You posted this on another thread: “Ah, but then he reminds me of all the terrible things I’ve done during the Marriage. And he forbids me to talk to my mom or my friends about our issues, even just to bounce things off someone else. ”
How can he prevent your telling your own mother about the truth of your marriage — his treating you like crap and being financially irresponsible? Would your own mother tell him if you told her about your marriage? Is she such a neglectful or self absorbed person that she would take his side? If so, you are right if you have not let her know much about how badly he treats you. However, if you have been hiding that from her only due to shame or following your husband’s self serving command, you have been depriving yourself of possible support.
If your mom generally is supportive of you, tell her what you need. Are you hoping to live with her if you divorce? Do you want her to validate your experiences by listening to you? Do you want her to help fund a divorce?
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 21, 2018 7:40:48 GMT -5
Listen to northstarmomEverything she said. Get away from him as soon as you can and as always we are support for you here. If you want to PM me, I will gladly befriend you. Hugs
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 21, 2018 7:57:38 GMT -5
“When, in particular, I described having to wrench my head away, her eyes got big. Then she said:
“I don’t know what to tell you,”‘
Unless you really know differently, it may be that your mom is very concerned about you but doesn’t know how to help you. Many people don’t know how to help someone in a potentially very dangerous marriage. Just because she is your mom doesn’t mean she is knowledgeable about domestic violence. That’s why you should read everything possible about safely leaving abusive relationships; research resources for domestic violence victims; talk to a awyerl and s therapist, preferably a therapist experienced with women in abusive relationships.
There may be friends who are knowledgeable about domestic violence and would offer support if they knew about your life. You can feel them out by talking about a dv situationin the news and seeing how they respond.
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 21, 2018 10:15:35 GMT -5
I have a theory that people don't want to believe bad of someone they have known or admired because it makes them question their own judgement. My mother was a terrible support - even accused me of making things up - when I tried to tell her my ex was abusive and how bad he was to live with.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 21, 2018 10:19:00 GMT -5
I have a theory that people don't want to believe bad of someone they have known or admired because it makes them question their own judgement. My mother was a terrible support - even accused me of making things up - when I tried to tell her my ex was abusive and how bad he was to live with. Such people also may be abusive themselves or may be in denial about abusive relationships they are in or have been in.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Apr 21, 2018 10:22:23 GMT -5
You posted this on another thread: “Ah, but then he reminds me of all the terrible things I’ve done during the Marriage. And he forbids me to talk to my mom or my friends about our issues, even just to bounce things off someone else. ” How can he prevent your telling your own mother about the truth of your marriage — his treating you like crap and being financially irresponsible? Would your own mother tell him if you told her about your marriage? Is she such a neglectful or self absorbed person that she would take his side? If so, you are right if you have not let her know much about how badly he treats you. However, if you have been hiding that from her only due to shame or following your husband’s self serving command, you have been depriving yourself of possible support. If your mom generally is supportive of you, tell her what you need. Are you hoping to live with her if you divorce? Do you want her to validate your experiences by listening to you? Do you want her to help fund a divorce? [ I started telling her more stuff recently, including handing her a printed list I wrote of every “off” thing I could remember in time over the past year. She read it, looked concerned, still doesn’t have a strong opinion. She offered to let me stay with her again, but I NEED her to not let him just drop by...
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Apr 21, 2018 10:29:51 GMT -5
I have a theory that people don't want to believe bad of someone they have known or admired because it makes them question their own judgement. My mother was a terrible support - even accused me of making things up - when I tried to tell her my ex was abusive and how bad he was to live with. That is kinda what happened, I think.40+ years with an alcoholic who serial cheated on her, beat her kids, financially abused her, and at the very end of his life, punched her. What’d she do? Blamed herself. Got overtaken by the fog and let life unfold the way it did. Never reached out for help, because she “doesn’t tell strangers her problems”. That’s what you do when you’re in this situation. I do talk to strangers. That’s why in addition to therapy I keep bringing stuff up here. Someday, sometime will stumble on this post and see themselves in it. Hopefully.
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 21, 2018 10:32:13 GMT -5
northstarmom - my mother often takes the side of the abuser. For example, my eldest bonus kid - he's leaned on a lot by his mother for emotional support (as I was by my mother) which I think is abusive, but unprovable. She also makes him perform 'partner' roles, for example, she makes him bring her a cup of tea in bed in the morning, particularly at weekends. He is 11. (He's fine with the kettle, etc. I let him make tea in my house for himself, but I do keep half an eye out) It is up two steep flight of stairs. A few weeks ago he questioned why he had to do this and couldn't his younger brother do it*. She flipped. Got really angry with him and yelled at him. Eventually he broke down and brought her tea. She threw it across the room. This happened with the 2nd cup he brought up, too. I mentioned this to my mother as I was quite upset by this - and she said "well, you know how hard it is to be a single mother..." This is a lifetime pattern for her, taking up the 'other person's" side no matter how valid mine is or even just trying to make me question my perspective. *Actually no, I wouldn't trust younger brother to do it either. However, as an 11 year old he only sees the unfairness that his brother doesn't have to do it, rather than him having to do it at all. Suffice to say, I don't think it's a terrible thing to occasionally bring your parent a drink, but I don't think it should be a duty at 11.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Apr 21, 2018 10:42:55 GMT -5
Friends at work? Sisters with more sense than your mom? Do you see a counselor or therapist? I don’t know your timeframe for exit planning. There are resources in the Resource sub forum section on the site - for what to do in case of domestic violence. I’d suggest you read some of that info. You may not need a crisis shelter right now, but it would be good to do some research on it anyway, in case a need arises suddenly. Don’t combine finances. If you can help it AT ALL. That sudden move is an obvious power play to remove your freedom of choice & movement. Yes, you need a support network. Even if you had a healthy marriage, you really need one. Stay on an even keel as much as you can, emotionally. You have to see clearly and think straight. I have one male coworker who was in a bad relationship and knows what’s up. He’s offered an ear but I still don’t know what to do from a practical standpoint. Another coworker straight up told me years ago that I was “stupid” for staying so I’ve slowly educated him over the years as to what it’s like being in a situation that isn’t wonderful, as his seems to be. My one sister (half sister) got her brother to file a lawsuit naming my mom, brother and me for control of our dad’s estate. She wanted almost $900k. She’s probably not a good person to chat with, lol My best girl friend lives almost 2 hours away and is busy with her new baby. My best guy friend is too busy to return my texts. And so.... I’m looking for new friends.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 21, 2018 11:27:47 GMT -5
Google to find hotlines and other resources for women in abusive relationships. There also may be support groups in your area. Those would be good places in which to make understanding friends.
I also suggest getting a woman counselor who has worked with abused women. She also should know of resources in your area and she should be able to help you extricate yourself safely out of your marriage.
I do not suggest relying on your coworker. He probably would not be as aware of the dangers for women leaving abusive relationships. There also are men including unethical counselors who exploit women in abusive relationships. It can be difficult for such women to realize if they are involved with another sbusive or exploitative man. Some men also listen to women’s Problems in order to lay them. Based on your not recognizing the abusiveness of your h, you might have a similar lack of discernment in identifying men safe to talk to. You would benefit more by a licensed counselor experienced in helping women like you. If time or money is an issue, Google for info about phone or internet counseling with licensed professionals. Some offer reduced fees.
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