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Post by elkclan2 on Jun 6, 2018 3:59:34 GMT -5
I'm selling the house and moving on. I'm going through old things. I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday. I'd been going through old papers and found it traumatic. I found a love letter from me to my SM spouse from the beginning of our relationship. I thought back to how our relationship really was at that time and how he denied my sexual self from the very beginning of our relationship. I became very angry with myself for putting up with it, for tolerating it and for not getting out sooner.
By the time my partner got home, I was a wreck, I actually cried. He helped me get to a stopping point and then he took me out to the pub where we had our first date.
It's still hard. It's still painful. I guess that's why I'm still here.
We had a great evening and went out to dinner at a cool new local restaurant. We got a little drunk - topped off by the enormous complimentary limoncellos (we were the restaurant's only patrons). We went home and both of us said we didn't really feel like sex, just cuddling, but then we did feel like sex so we followed up.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 6, 2018 9:33:34 GMT -5
It’s ok to get emotional sometimes. It was a big part of your life. But the good news is that you are in a healthy, fulfilling relationship now. What’s past is past and now you can spend the rest of your life focusing on your happy present and future. When you feel angry at yourself, remember that you learned valuable things from that SM to help you now.
💞
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Post by workingonit on Jun 6, 2018 17:55:01 GMT -5
Every moment of our lives happens for a reason. The person that you are now could not exist without the hell you went through. And forgive your younger self- you were trying to honor the relationship you were in, trying to be the best partner you could be. That is not a bad thing. You were always doing the best with what you had at the time. And now you get to have a totally simple and awesome date night with your hunk so....you have persevered and endured and have come out a champion at this life and love thing! Way to go!
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Post by baza on Jun 7, 2018 0:43:19 GMT -5
Sorry that you hit the emotional wall Sister elkclan2 . At 9+ years out now, I can assure you that these episodes lessen in frequency and intensity. But they will still rear up - seemingly out of nowhere - and bite you on the bum. How cool is it tho, that you can be upset and emotional and all of a sudden Mr ElkStud (or Ms enna in my case) can appear, understand, empathise, with what's going on and support you ? And how cool is it when the boot is on the other foot, and ElkStud (or Ms enna) is in distress you can do the same ? |
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breakdown
Jun 7, 2018 6:42:38 GMT -5
via mobile
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Post by WindSister on Jun 7, 2018 6:42:38 GMT -5
Sorry that you hit the emotional wall Sister elkclan2 . At 9+ years out now, I can assure you that these episodes lessen in frequency and intensity. But they will still rear up - seemingly out of nowhere - and bite you on the bum. How cool is it tho, that you can be upset and emotional and all of a sudden Mr ElkStud (or Ms enna in my case) can appear, understand, empathise, with what's going on and support you ? And how cool is it when the boot is on the other foot, and ElkStud (or Ms enna) is in distress you can do the same ? Amen. |
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Post by elynne on Jun 7, 2018 8:35:15 GMT -5
I'm selling the house and moving on. I'm going through old things. I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday. I'd been going through old papers and found it traumatic. I found a love letter from me to my SM spouse from the beginning of our relationship. I thought back to how our relationship really was at that time and how he denied my sexual self from the very beginning of our relationship. I became very angry with myself for putting up with it, for tolerating it and for not getting out sooner. By the time my partner got home, I was a wreck, I actually cried. He helped me get to a stopping point and then he took me out to the pub where we had our first date. It's still hard. It's still painful. I guess that's why I'm still here. We had a great evening and went out to dinner at a cool new local restaurant. We got a little drunk - topped off by the enormous complimentary limoncellos (we were the restaurant's only patrons). We went home and both of us said we didn't really feel like sex, just cuddling, but then we did feel like sex so we followed up. Hugs. I’m sorry you’re struggling. But I am very happy that your current partner allows you to feel those emotions and helps you to work through them. That alone is a beautiful thing. It also shows you how very far you’ve come in your journey of self discovery and acceptance. You are a beautiful person; loving, forgiving and compassionate. And thank the stars you still ARE after all you’ve been through! Sending you lots of love and understanding. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 7, 2018 9:14:41 GMT -5
Empathy for you, elkclan. My partner and I will be moving in a few months so I'm going through and getting rid of old diaries and many pictures from my 36-year relationship with my ex. It is poignant and painful to do this. Doing it also is a reminder of how many decades -- from the early days of our relationship -- my ex and I had problems with all sorts of intimacy. It is, however, a good reminder of why every day I should be glad that I'm no longer in that situation.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 7, 2018 18:12:14 GMT -5
I had to move only days after my wife died, forcing me to go through photos and papers. Thankfully, I had family members who were able to gather up my wife’s stuff. My sisters first let my son pick out his favorites before they put her clothing and jewelry away. The photos and papers were boxed up, and I began sorting through them once I got settled.
I learned to take the photos and papers in small bites. I would eventually have to stop and cry. Once the tears came, that was it. I put the boxes away and waited another day. But sorting through the photos has been necessary for my grieving. I would remember both the good and the bad, and it helped me come to terms with her passing. God knows I am still not there yet. But slowly, I am putting a little perspective on her passing, living my life and raising my son.
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Post by nyartgal on Jun 7, 2018 19:05:58 GMT -5
Its totally normal to feel that way! I hope you don't feel bad about it. Letting go can be cathartic, but it's a process. And it doesn't necessarily feel cathartic in the moment!
It's not the same at all, but just a couple days ago I got rid of an old set of bed sheets that weren't from my SM, but they were the first bedding I bought after my SM---and it had been symbolic for me to make my bed "new" again. So even though my ex never even saw these sheets, they reminded me of when he was still important enough that I had to buy symbolic things to prove I was moving on!
My point is that this stuff is really weird, and even if almost 6 years later I feel totally over it, I still don't want to be reminded of how sad and desperate I had to be to divorce someone I loved so much.
Meanwhile I am still sleeping on the same mattress where I conceived two children with my "new" husband, and that doesn't bother me at all! I love this mattress, hahaha. As I said, it's weird---and hard to know or explain why one thing can bother you and another won't.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jun 17, 2018 0:22:54 GMT -5
One of the cool things that we did at our wedding was instead of having a guest book we wrote our vows on nice almost poster-sized paper and then had everyone sign them - it was up in our house for long time. It's been sitting in a closet since he moved out. I took it to the dump yesterday and chucked it. I felt bad for not feeling bad about it. Weird.
The vows signed by everyone and not just witnesses is something that is a Quaker tradition and it's something I would do again.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 17, 2018 22:30:23 GMT -5
One of the cool things that we did at our wedding was instead of having a guest book we wrote our vows on nice almost poster-sized paper and then had everyone sign them - it was up in our house for long time. It's been sitting in a closet since he moved out. I took it to the dump yesterday and chucked it. I felt bad for not feeling bad about it. Weird. The vows signed by everyone and not just witnesses is something that is a Quaker tradition and it's something I would do again. I like that tradition - never heard it before. I totally get the “feeling bad for not feeling bad about it” conundrums. My therapist called this metacognition, when I would make judgments about my own thoughts or emotions (I think that’s right - maybe it was meta-emotion). Anyway - just let it not feel bad. There’s plenty of other crap that felt bad. Just go with it & let some parts not hurt without egging on guilt over it not hurting. Like nyartgal said, this stuff is weird- why some things bother us & some things don’t. Just take it for what it is. Feel what’s there. Care for your self through the process. Reach out to your totally kick ass new partner when you need to. Because he will be there. For YOU. Love ya, sister. Stay resilient. |
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