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Post by obobfla on May 13, 2019 21:16:52 GMT -5
Since my name was mentioned, I will chime in. I used to post frequently in this forum, as I was once in a sexless marriage. Then my wife died. I am no longer married or sexless. I am dating a very understanding woman, and we meet at least once a week. But be careful what you wish for. I wish my wife was still alive, and we were divorced. In spite of all we went through, I miss her. I could go on and hijack the entire forum, but my point is this - widowhood really sucks. There is not only the empty space she leaves behind, but all the guilt of wanting to leave her and not doing more to keep her alive. I shouldn’t beat myself up. I visited her every day for nine months, and she had breast cancer and a bad heart. If the doctors couldn’t save her, neither could I. This is your thread, cassiopeia92, so I will only echo what everyone here has said. You can’t change your husband. He is responsible for taking his meds and eating right. I´m Type 2 myself. You are responsible for your own happiness. Make yourself happy. If that requires leaving him, so be it. Seriously, take a weekend for yourself. You’ve probably put your husband, kids, and grandchildren first for quite a while. It’s your turn to take care of you. Find an online buddy to flirt with. Maybe that will result in taking a holiday with him. I know I did that, and I didn’t regret it. I’m sure that after years of a marriage like yours, your self image has taken a beating. Work on you. Dress up. Get in shape. Then go get a man who wants you. Trust me, life is too short to be sexless and stuck.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 16, 2019 21:41:38 GMT -5
Best response to a sales call I´ve heard
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Post by obobfla on Sept 25, 2018 19:26:16 GMT -5
Just to change the subject slightly, in case you are wondering what some of these conversations between these 35 yr old woman are like I will paraphrase the latest and edit it. I get sent an email from a woman age 35 who lives 70 miles from me. Her pics are clean (no nudity) she looks like Jaclyn Smith. She is currently with UNICEF in Nigeria West Africa. She is coming home next week. She calls herself nurse___ but has not said one thing about any nursing background or experiences. "I have passed through a lot being in a relationship, and wouldn't allow the past to ruin me again. I believe failure teaches success and building my future with the experience I had.I believe inside looks will determine if couples are compatible, though attraction is part of it, but the most important, that does it all, is personality traits. I am looking for a man that's caring and understanding for NSA or LTR." " I will be home next week are you able to pick me up?" ( We have had 2 email back in forth to each other that is it) "My dad is dead, and my mom left me after dad's death and got married to another man which I don't get to see her again....I was raised by my aunt who is now caught up in drugs and alcohol. I really love her and it pains me that she chose to live that way. That is why I decided to stay alone and work with my team, because I did not feel comfortable living with her anymore. I just had to tell you about my personal life. I wanted you to know what I am facing in life. I'll never allow that to pull me down/back in life.I just have to be strong and move on with my life. I pray the lord guides and protects me and leads me on through the right path. I am new at this online thing, A friend of mine introduced me to it at camp. You are the first person I am meeting on line. Do keep in touch. I will send you an email when I get off duty." How about that? Not quite what I was expecting. I have a lot more questions. "The come and pick me up part Seems like a big RED flag." If I was going to travel or have her come visit me, I am going to ask for a pic. of her drivers license and offer mine. I see a huge flag. Ask her if she’s ever given a patient a catheter. She will gladly send you a pic. Video chat first. And if she mentions money, run!
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Post by obobfla on Sept 25, 2018 19:20:49 GMT -5
Ok, I haven’t been around much, but then again I am no longer sexless or married. Here is what worked for me:
I tried out OK Cupid, Zoosk, Tinder, and some over 50 dating site (not Our Time). I was basically looking for a steady FWB, and I found one on OK Cupid. We have been together since late February. My biggest problem was that the women I met could tell I was still getting over my wife’s death. More than one said I wasn’t ready. The one I ended up with let me talk about my wife and even cry. I am lucky I found her.
Yes, older women who date are picky, and I don’t blame them. Dating sites suggest a lot of people for you to meet. You don’t want to repeat the same mistakes of your marriage, and neither do they. Plus, it’s a lot easier to swipe left than to say no in person. And yes, spelling mistakes would earn a rejection from me. I write for a living.
I didn’t do E-harmony because I wasn’t looking for that ¨perfect match.¨ But I liked OK Cupid´s questions. It helped me weed out the overly religious, sugar daddy seekers, and those whose politics did not match mine. OK Cupid also asked what I wanted in a sex partner. I said I was ok with having sex on the first date. That eliminated a lot of women who would frustrate me like my late wife did. We men over 50 get plenty of allegedly young women contacting us. Sorry, I want real. I also don’t want to be a baby sitter. Only women over 40 who have had children for me.
I found too many women who were too generic in what they wanted. Walks on the beach? I live in Florida too. Who doesn’t like walks on the beach? Let me know if you bring a towel so we can lie down and make out during our walk. Too forward? Bring your fishing gear, boogie board, or scuba gear.
I want someone who shares my passions, and not just sexual ones. I love animals, theater, and children. My ladyfriend has four cats and one daughter. We saw a play together and loved it. And I also like my alone time. She gives me plenty of space. Yes, we have great sex together. But more importantly, we can be together for more than 24 hours and not want to kill each other.
My ladyfriend is not a perfect match in terms of physical appearance, education, or volume. I am not looking to make it permanent right now, and neither is she. But right now, it works for me.
If It doesn’t work, there are a lot more 50-something women than men. I will be fine. I am just fine right now.
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Post by obobfla on Jul 13, 2018 23:40:57 GMT -5
This thread made me think of this Far Side classic:
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Post by obobfla on Jul 13, 2018 23:39:44 GMT -5
I remember going to a therapist and telling her that some people in my life wanted her to ¨fix me.¨ She took out an imaginary wand, waved it over me like a fairy godmother, and said ¨Boop! You’re fixed!¨
We both laughed. The only way I was fixed was that I had a vasectomy. She could never fix me. A therapist cannot cure an uncooperative client anymore than a teacher can educate a student unwilling to learn. She could only guide me to fix myself. I had to not only be willing to change but confident that I could change. Only then could I fix myself.
I had a lot of resentment built up against my wife. Both her mental and physical illnesses drained me, and I blamed her for my sorry state in life. It got so bad, that I found myself getting angry at her even when she did nothing wrong. I had built up a well of resentment towards her, and it spilled out unexpectedly at times.
Now my wife is gone, having passed away. I can no longer blame her for my problems. But I still get angry. In fact, my fuse is even shorter than it was when she was alive. I’m mad that she died. I’m mad that she had to suffer, and that my son doesn’t have his mother around. I’m mad that I don’t have her around to blame for my problems.
Fortunately, I am a recovering alcoholic. Why that is fortunate is that recovery gave me the gifts of recognition, acceptance, and gratitude. I recognize that I am human and can only do so much. I accept, or at least try to accept, that this is what has been dealt to me. And I must be grateful for what I have received.
My son is my pride and joy. I do good work and am stable in my job. I have a steady romantic relationship that works for the time being. But I often forget all of that and get discouraged. It’s a struggle to get my thinking corrected. When necessary, I visit a therapist or go to an AA meeting. Talking helps. I find quickly that things really aren’t that bad.
While I miss my wife, her absence gives me some perspective. I can see how difficult she had it with her problems. I did what I could to help her. She had a hard time believing she could be a good mother, and I helped her raise a wonderful son. It took me some time and distance to get to that point.
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Post by obobfla on Jul 6, 2018 23:18:25 GMT -5
Sorry for being so late to the thread. Congrats choosinghappy on getting through this process. Also, way to go on how you are handling your STBX. I realize it’s hard leaving someone with his problems, but you have to for both your sake and your son’s sake. I wish I had done the same, but that’s another thread. As for getting back in the sack - you already have your AP, so go for it. As long as someone is watching your son, you should be ok. After my wife died in December, I was dating again by February. It was difficult at first because I was so raw. So many women told me it “too soon.” It didn’t help that I would occasionally break down and shed tears. But I went through nine months of running to hospitals and rehab centers, hoping she would get better only to have my hopes dashed. I needed to be held and loved. Fortunately, I found someone who was great in bed and didn’t mind me crying occasionally about my late wife. As difficult as my marriage was, I miss her. I miss my friend and co-parent. When my son does something to make me proud or make me smile, I can’t talk to her about it. Today I took my ladyfriend and my son to a cat cafe where we played with cats and watched others enjoy the kitties. My ladyfriend was like a little girl with the cats. But then I remembered how much my wife loved cats and how she never got to visit this place. I cried. That’s what really sucks about widowhood - when happy moments occur, they are tempered with the grief of her absence. I understand you have to protect yourself in the divorce process. But hopefully you and your STBX can maintain a relationship where you support each other and your son.
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Post by obobfla on Jul 6, 2018 9:36:19 GMT -5
For a minute, I thought I was guilty of this too. You see, I am quite routine in my fashion choices. I almost always wear blue shirts. I might go with an occasional black, silver, or dark green, but mostly blue - no bright colors whatsoever! The last time I wore red, someone patted my ample belly and asked me when’s it due. Blue looks good on me, so I wear it. My current squeeze teases me about this. Says I should wear a pink shirt. I hate the color pink. That’s not my fragile male ego who’s afraid of being effeminate talking. I think anything that is predominately pink is ugly. She tries to make bets with me so I would be forced to wear a pink shirt. So, I gave her one condition. I would wear a pink shirt if she would give a blowjob. Now, this is in good fun. Oral sex is not her favorite activity, but she will do it occasionally. However, it may evolve into a control issue. If that happens, I am out. It’s not weight loss, either. There is a fine line between playful bets and asking your partner to lose substantial weight. While losing weight is good for your health, losing 5 kg in less than a month is too fast. In your case, nyctos, it is control. Your wife is extremely shallow and uses sex as a control mechanism. Take that for what it’s worth. I’m getting ready to see my squeeze soon, and I’ll wear a blue shirt. I may not get a blowjob, but I’ll look good.
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Post by obobfla on Jul 2, 2018 15:03:48 GMT -5
I remember this happening in my marriage. After constantly being turned down, I struggled with depression. I worried about the effects of anti-depressants, but masturbation was never a problem. The only noticeable sexual side effect was that it took longer for me to orgasm, not ED. I would point out that my wife’s psychiatric medicines did a number on her menstrual cycle. I did outsource, which proved the problem wasn’t me or my meds. Like elkclan2 attested, outsourcing did wonders for my self-confidence. But I wanted my marriage to work, so I kept trying with my wife to no avail. Even a romantic weekend at a B&B didn’t help. I started really resenting my wife, and that resentment killed all desire I had for her. Then her health started fading, and sex became a secondary issue. It was the resentment, not anything physical inside me, that killed my feelings for my wife. I still cared for her, but I had to take care of myself. Your situation sounds like mine, Carol . I would check with your doctor, but the most likely medicine for you is another lover.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 19, 2018 22:27:11 GMT -5
theexplorer, I think that you're fooling yourself about why you suddenly feel the need for women friends. You are in a sexless marriage with a wife who won't even socialize with other couples. It doesn't seem likely that you'd just want women friends to have someone to talk to. Reminds me of how when I was divorcing and had an OK Cupid profile (an honest one that said that I was separated and was interested in a monogamous romantic relationship with a person who was single or separated), I noticed that a married male acquaintance also had an OK Cupid profile, but his said he was looking for women "friends." He did not contact me on OKCupid, but invited me to lunch after he was not able to come to a causal lunch in which I'd invited any of my hundreds of FB friends who were available. Over lunch, he started talking about how miserable his marriage was and how his wife wouldn't let him pursue his music interests. He said he was remaining married only until his daughter graduated from high school. I realized that what he wanted was not just a friend, but a FWB, and I told him that I wasn't interested in being in a romance with a married man. (An aside: 5 years have passed. His daughter graduated from high school 3 years ago, and he's still with the wife he claims to not be compatible with) Anyway, I can't think of any way for you to find women to establish friendships with unless a platonic friendship evolves from a volunteer or social activity that you both are in. As for your wife's perspective on this, given that you're miserable in a SM, I think she has good reason to try to keep you from having women friends. Granted, sexual attraction is one reason to have a female friend, but there are plenty more. I find I can be more honest with a female than with a male. There is no competition. Plus, once we agree we’re not going to get into each other’s pants, we could relax and be human. theexplorer is a caregiver to his wife and needs all the friends he can get - male or female. After a year of being in a similar situation myself, I believe any companionship whether it’s sexual or not would help him.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 16, 2018 12:37:07 GMT -5
Those of us who have been through 12-step programs are familiar with this prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference”
I cannot change the fact that my wife died or that she was mentally ill. But I could get her treatment. I could not change that she didn’t want sex. But I could decide whether to outsource or be celibate. If I chose to be celibate, then I had to accept it without resentment. If I resent my wife not having sex with me, then I haven’t accepted it. And I resented the hell out of my wife’s choice when I couldn’t outsource.
My resentment was as much with myself as with her. I knew I could leave, but I felt it was best to stay. Had I had more money, I could have left. But I didn’t.
Acceptance is what happens inside myself. I accepted that I can no longer drink. I really don’t miss alcohol. I accepted my wife’s illnesses. These were out of my control. But my sex life was in my control, so I did what I could.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 12, 2018 21:55:34 GMT -5
Your spouse is NOT involved in therapy Sister elynne . It's bullshit. There is no therapist treating him for you to try and tap into (and that would be a complete non-event even if there was). That's the most likely scenario. This has long since blown past having anything to do with your dud spouse. The marriage is done. It's just a matter of that fact being formalised. This is now all about you - and apart from being an obstructive prick in your way of getting out - he has basically become irrelevant in any "us" sense. If only there was more than a like button for this. I think more like AMEN! and HALLELUJAH! are in order.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 12, 2018 21:48:58 GMT -5
Víve le France!
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Post by obobfla on Jun 12, 2018 21:27:45 GMT -5
I will be honest that for ME, being friends with members of the opposite sex is iffy. In my situation, I have many friends both female and male but most of the male friends are part of a couple and when we get together it's as couples instead of one-on-one. But the multiple times I *have* been alone with one of those male friends there was definite sexual chemistry. Even in (what I thought was) purely platonic friendships with guys in the past has turned into me being hit on at times. But reading obobfla 's comment makes me think that it must be possible, it's just that both friends really must have ONLY friendship on the mind for it to work and in my experience, that has not been the case. I grew up with four sisters and a strong-willed mother. My mom was by no means domineering, but she was tough and held her ground. I learned very quickly that women were much more than sex partners. There is some sexual tension between my female friends and I. But neither one of us act on it. The friendship is too important. I’ve even become friends with former lovers. Once the question of sex is out of the way, we can talk honestly with each other. At times, there is a greater emotional intimacy when sex is off the table. There is definitely more honesty.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 12, 2018 21:01:20 GMT -5
Fortunately, my late wife did not mind my having close female friends. If she diid mind, I would not have married her. For most of my life, most of my best friends were women. Some were crushes who kept me in the friend zone, but the crush went while the friendship grew. Others were women who I knew that were incompatible romantically with me. A sexual relationship, even a one-night stand, would have been toxic.
To me, having close platonic female friends is too valuable to give up. I get so much insight and honesty from them. My female friends helped me be a better husband, and my wife knew that. Most became her friends too.
So to me, having a spouse so insecure that he or she does not allow platonic friends is a problem. Your wife is isolating you, and that can be worse than not having sex. I would not tolerate that at all.
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