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Post by theexplorer on Jun 12, 2018 18:17:31 GMT -5
How do you folks feel about a married person having friends of the opposite sex? (I'm NOT talking about friends with benefits or anything similar!) My wife does not particularly like for me to have female friends. Because of this, I have gradually drifted away from socializing with women. My wife generally refuses opportunities for us to socialize with other couples. I rarely see her female friends and none of them are friendly to me.
Over the years, the women I knew before our marriage have gradually disappeared from my life. I realized recently, that I do not really have any non-family female friends left. In fact, there are only two elderly female family members I see or speak with very often. I have some female acquaintances, but most of them would not sit down and have a conversation. None of them would even consider a slightly personal conversation. I work either alone or with other men, never with any women. Is the lack of females in my life a problem for me? Any thoughts, suggestions or advice? |
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Post by jim44444 on Jun 12, 2018 20:43:09 GMT -5
I have no problem with it. I have always had a few female friends. I find personal conversations with them to be enlightening because their viewpoints are usually different from my male friends.
My W has male friends but they are mutual friends or part of a couple. I am not aware of her having any male friends outside of our circle.
I can understand why your W does not like you having female friends - there is always the possibility of acting upon the sexual attraction.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 12, 2018 20:57:42 GMT -5
This is an interesting topic. In the religious community I have been a part of it is frowned upon for opposite sexes to be anything other than friendly, and that generally friends of your spouse only. It would be very weird for men to be friends with a single woman and vice versa. This is to protect both parties from anything being tempting, which honestly has wisdom to it.
However, i did not grow up religious and had lots of male friends that I was very close to. I have gradually lost touch with most of them because my h was very jealous and wanted me to not be friends with any of them. I remember 8 years ago one of my closest friends was having a party and invited me to his parent's house for his 40th birthday weekend. He has no relationship to my h and kids were not invited so I was going to go by myself. My h threw an absolute fit and I ended up not going.
About 3-4 years ago I was waking up from the FOG (took a long time and was a slow process) and I realized I wanted male friends again. I had some friends at work and started going out with them, texting them, etc. And then I ended up developing a very close relationship with my h's friend that is single. We are now closer than he and my h. We talk every few days, text all the time, and he will come over and we will sit for hours on the couch drinking tea and talking about everything under the sun. Even when my h is home. I promise you there is NOTHING sexual between us- he is a brother to me and he feels the same way.
My h recently told me he was really jealous of my friend. And me, being the ignored, untouched wife replied with a straight face, "That must be hard for you." And I walked away. I will not give up my friend, no matter what kind of fit my h throws. I think he knows that now. He has not mentioned it again.
It is a part of how they keep us trapped in the SM, I believe. Their jealousy ALMOST feels like desire. Almost.
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Post by obobfla on Jun 12, 2018 21:01:20 GMT -5
Fortunately, my late wife did not mind my having close female friends. If she diid mind, I would not have married her. For most of my life, most of my best friends were women. Some were crushes who kept me in the friend zone, but the crush went while the friendship grew. Others were women who I knew that were incompatible romantically with me. A sexual relationship, even a one-night stand, would have been toxic.
To me, having close platonic female friends is too valuable to give up. I get so much insight and honesty from them. My female friends helped me be a better husband, and my wife knew that. Most became her friends too.
So to me, having a spouse so insecure that he or she does not allow platonic friends is a problem. Your wife is isolating you, and that can be worse than not having sex. I would not tolerate that at all.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 12, 2018 21:09:50 GMT -5
I had no problem with my ex or my current partner having women friends. In fact, I view it as an asset when a prospective partner has women friends. I think it's important for men to like women, to like and respect them as full human beings not just view them as potential romantic or sex partners.
If, however I were a refusing woman, I would not want my partner to have women friends because i'd fear he'd be tempted to get the sex from them that I refuse to do with him.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 12, 2018 21:12:17 GMT -5
I will be honest that for ME, being friends with members of the opposite sex is iffy. In my situation, I have many friends both female and male but most of the male friends are part of a couple and when we get together it's as couples instead of one-on-one. But the multiple times I *have* been alone with one of those male friends there was definite sexual chemistry. Even in (what I thought was) purely platonic friendships with guys in the past has turned into me being hit on at times. But reading obobfla's comment makes me think that it must be possible, it's just that both friends really must have ONLY friendship on the mind for it to work and in my experience, that has not been the case. |
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Post by obobfla on Jun 12, 2018 21:27:45 GMT -5
I will be honest that for ME, being friends with members of the opposite sex is iffy. In my situation, I have many friends both female and male but most of the male friends are part of a couple and when we get together it's as couples instead of one-on-one. But the multiple times I *have* been alone with one of those male friends there was definite sexual chemistry. Even in (what I thought was) purely platonic friendships with guys in the past has turned into me being hit on at times. But reading obobfla 's comment makes me think that it must be possible, it's just that both friends really must have ONLY friendship on the mind for it to work and in my experience, that has not been the case. I grew up with four sisters and a strong-willed mother. My mom was by no means domineering, but she was tough and held her ground. I learned very quickly that women were much more than sex partners. There is some sexual tension between my female friends and I. But neither one of us act on it. The friendship is too important. I’ve even become friends with former lovers. Once the question of sex is out of the way, we can talk honestly with each other. At times, there is a greater emotional intimacy when sex is off the table. There is definitely more honesty. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2018 21:43:31 GMT -5
I am right now starved for good friends of either gender.
i recently reconnected with a wonderful woman who was my officemate many years ago at a large company. Partly because I know I will need a support network soon and I couldn't think of anyone else. I spoke to her for an hour today on the phone and it was really nice. This is completely platonic and I'm very glad I contacted her. (Thank goodness for Facebook!)
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Post by baza on Jun 12, 2018 22:20:55 GMT -5
Again, the definition of what constitutes a friend is key.
Putting Ms enna at the top of the tree, the next level down of friends I have (that I am comfortable to discuss just about anything with) would number 5 - and there's only one woman in that group.
The next friend level down from that (where I know the people really well - and they know me really well) would comprise about 10 people, there'd only be 2 women in that lot.
Next friend level down (those I know pretty well - and vice versa) might run to 20. Female content would be about 6.
After that, there's acquaintances, workmates etc etc etc. Hard to put a number on that as it is fluid, with new people coming in, others dropping out etc etc. I'll pull a figure of 50 out of my arse, and of that there'd be about 20 females I'd say.
Incidently, I would say from the other end, that Ms enna's numeric would be higher than mine generally (more friends at every level) and would probably be pretty equal in the gender spread, but would definitely be more women than blokes.
Obviously in the Msenna/baz dynamic, there are heaps of these various levels of friends who are mutual to us both.
I don't feel jealous about any of her friends (either gender) and as far as I know nor does she about mine.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 13, 2018 17:17:53 GMT -5
I had one or two close female friends that gradually drifted away when my wife and I started dating. I also got to be fairly close with one of my wife's close friends who had just gone through a divorce. When she and my wife had a falling out, my wife insisted that I stop talking to her (which I did mainly through Facebook by commenting on some of her pictures, etc.). That was one a bit difficult to let go because she was very nice and I found her very attractive. I must admit I had one or two fantasies about her.  I took one for the team on that one and removed her from my Facebook. Thinking it was a mistake she tried to re-friend me and got upset when I didn't accept it. The one AND only reason I unfriended her is because my wife got pissy about me still being friends with her. If my wife and I were to break up, I'd call and offer to buy her dinner to make it up to her. Dessert, of course, would be totally up to her. I think there was a connection there we just never were able to act on it. Other than that, I don't have too many close female friends. |
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Post by h on Jun 15, 2018 14:24:27 GMT -5
My W and I are not the jealous types.
She has male friends and has even gone out to dinner with some of them without me. I trust her not to cross any lines because I'm fairly certain she assumes it would end our already strained marriage. She has never shown any signs of attraction towards any of those friends either and she's terrible at hiding her emotions.
She thinks that I have female friends and is okay with it. In truth though, I really don't. I'm friendly with the spouses of my male friends. I have attractive, single, female co-workers but I don't really associate with any of them outside of work. I actually avoid interaction with women outside of work because while my W trusts me, I don't trust myself not to cross any lines. Maybe if my needs were met at home, I wouldn't feel like this but years of deprivation have severely weakened my resolve. It really wouldn't take much for me to cave to temptation and let innocent joking turn into flirting and innuendo which could lead to physical boundaries getting blurred. I'm a hermit at home by my own design.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 15, 2018 14:37:08 GMT -5
I will be honest that for ME, being friends with members of the opposite sex is iffy. In my situation, I have many friends both female and male but most of the male friends are part of a couple and when we get together it's as couples instead of one-on-one. But the multiple times I *have* been alone with one of those male friends there was definite sexual chemistry. Even in (what I thought was) purely platonic friendships with guys in the past has turned into me being hit on at times. But reading obobfla 's comment makes me think that it must be possible, it's just that both friends really must have ONLY friendship on the mind for it to work and in my experience, that has not been the case. I think we need one of your stories about being alone with one of your male friends and what you would do if you could...... |
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Post by theexplorer on Jun 19, 2018 16:07:47 GMT -5
Any advice or ideas on how to have some female friends with a jealous wife?
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 19, 2018 16:24:43 GMT -5
Any advice or ideas on how to have some female friends with a jealous wife? Here's my scientific analysis, all highly speculative mind you: 1.) Throw a big party. 2.) Invite all your female friends. 3.) Involve alcohol. 4.) See what happens. It might solve your sexless marriage problem one way or another. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 19, 2018 16:40:16 GMT -5
theexplorer,
I think that you're fooling yourself about why you suddenly feel the need for women friends. You are in a sexless marriage with a wife who won't even socialize with other couples. It doesn't seem likely that you'd just want women friends to have someone to talk to. Reminds me of how when I was divorcing and had an OK Cupid profile (an honest one that said that I was separated and was interested in a monogamous romantic relationship with a person who was single or separated), I noticed that a married male acquaintance also had an OK Cupid profile, but his said he was looking for women "friends." He did not contact me on OKCupid, but invited me to lunch after he was not able to come to a causal lunch in which I'd invited any of my hundreds of FB friends who were available. Over lunch, he started talking about how miserable his marriage was and how his wife wouldn't let him pursue his music interests. He said he was remaining married only until his daughter graduated from high school. I realized that what he wanted was not just a friend, but a FWB, and I told him that I wasn't interested in being in a romance with a married man.
(An aside: 5 years have passed. His daughter graduated from high school 3 years ago, and he's still with the wife he claims to not be compatible with)
Anyway, I can't think of any way for you to find women to establish friendships with unless a platonic friendship evolves from a volunteer or social activity that you both are in.
As for your wife's perspective on this, given that you're miserable in a SM, I think she has good reason to try to keep you from having women friends.
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I took one for the team on that one and removed her from my Facebook. Thinking it was a mistake she tried to re-friend me and got upset when I didn't accept it. The one AND only reason I unfriended her is because my wife got pissy about me still being friends with her.
