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Post by obobfla on Jun 19, 2018 22:27:11 GMT -5
theexplorer, I think that you're fooling yourself about why you suddenly feel the need for women friends. You are in a sexless marriage with a wife who won't even socialize with other couples. It doesn't seem likely that you'd just want women friends to have someone to talk to. Reminds me of how when I was divorcing and had an OK Cupid profile (an honest one that said that I was separated and was interested in a monogamous romantic relationship with a person who was single or separated), I noticed that a married male acquaintance also had an OK Cupid profile, but his said he was looking for women "friends." He did not contact me on OKCupid, but invited me to lunch after he was not able to come to a causal lunch in which I'd invited any of my hundreds of FB friends who were available. Over lunch, he started talking about how miserable his marriage was and how his wife wouldn't let him pursue his music interests. He said he was remaining married only until his daughter graduated from high school. I realized that what he wanted was not just a friend, but a FWB, and I told him that I wasn't interested in being in a romance with a married man. (An aside: 5 years have passed. His daughter graduated from high school 3 years ago, and he's still with the wife he claims to not be compatible with) Anyway, I can't think of any way for you to find women to establish friendships with unless a platonic friendship evolves from a volunteer or social activity that you both are in. As for your wife's perspective on this, given that you're miserable in a SM, I think she has good reason to try to keep you from having women friends. Granted, sexual attraction is one reason to have a female friend, but there are plenty more. I find I can be more honest with a female than with a male. There is no competition. Plus, once we agree we’re not going to get into each other’s pants, we could relax and be human. theexplorer is a caregiver to his wife and needs all the friends he can get - male or female. After a year of being in a similar situation myself, I believe any companionship whether it’s sexual or not would help him. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 20, 2018 7:33:34 GMT -5
Obobfla said:”Granted, sexual attraction is one reason to have a female friend, but there are plenty more. I find I can be more honest with a female than with a male. There is no competition. Plus, once we agree we’re not going to get into each other’s pants, we could relax and be human.
theexplorer is a caregiver to his wife and needs all the friends he can get - male or female. After a year of being in a similar situation myself, I believe any companionship whether it’s sexual or not would help him.”
I agree that any companionship could help him. I also think that given his circumstances, he is entitled to platonic or romantic companionship. One of my dearest friends was in a sm with a physically and abusive husband. He became disabled and she was his caregiver then had to go to work to pay for full time care for him once he needed that. She visited him daily, , took him on outings and she also ended up becoming good friends with a man who eventually became her lover. Still, she did everything to ensure good care for her husband until he passed away about 8 years ago. She and her lover are still together and are the most loving couple I know.
A place that theexplorer might find women and men friends would be in a caregivers support group. Hospitals, senior centers, and nonprofits connected with diseases might offer those. There probably also are online groups.
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Post by time4intimacy on Jun 21, 2018 14:11:29 GMT -5
My wife is not jealous, never has been and completely trusting of me, even with the current situation. I do have female friends and work with some females and even travel with them. She lives overseas and her and I travel 4 or 5 weeks of the year together. I will go to Europe a week at a time and we go to meetings, dinner, drinks and go back to the hotel and travel to some cool places. She is engaged and I a married and we both know it is a no fly zone. We do enjoy each other's company and have become good friends in a brother/sister type of way. Honestly, I really like having some good friends of the opposite sex as it adds some variety.
My wife also has some male friends, she is very close with one of her co-workers, sometimes a little too close, but I am confident they have not crossed the line and they work from virtual offices and only run into each other once or twice a year. Last year at her conference I did get a text from her doing shots on a table with him and a dancer from a Greek restaurant. She feels very secure and she knows I am as well, so we can share these types of things and I do like that.
So that was a lot of words to say many people can be friends with the opposite sex. However, some people just cannot handle that temptation.
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Post by theexplorer on Jun 21, 2018 18:30:17 GMT -5
To answer Northstarmom's question as to why I posted this question, I recently spent several hours in a waiting room. The only other person in that room was a woman. As it turned out, we had a long, and very enjoyable, conversation. I did not notice any sexual attraction at the time. She was probably 10 to 15 years older than me. She just seemed like a very nice, kind and caring person. She was wearing a beautiful engagement ring, so she presumably was NOT looking for another man. We did not exchange contact information, so we will probably never meet again.
I thought about that conversation later and remembered some of the female friends I've had in the past. That is when I began to wonder if NOT having female friends in my life may be causing undetected or unrealized harm. That is the story behind the original question.
Thanks for the ideas for finding additional social support. Yes, friends of either sex would be helpful. At this point, I do not plan to outsource. It probably stems from a child hood incident where I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar. (If I were to outsource, I'd come home with a smile that could not be wiped off my face.... Busted!!!)
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