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Post by Carol on Jul 1, 2018 1:27:03 GMT -5
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything but I guess I just need to vent out my frustrations. My situation has not improved at all. Same old thing... highly depressed, no sex, no job, really no life at all. Anyway, to make a long story short, I was in the middle of a sexual dream during a nap this afternoon when the husband woke me up. I was so relaxed and in the mood that before I knew it, I was making out with the husband. He had an orgasm pretty quickly with me just touching him through his shorts so I knew he was excited. Me? Nothing. He tried to perform oral on me but I just felt nothing. I tried picturing the person in my dream (a tv/movie actor) and imagining sexual scenarios that I’ve seen in porn or read about, but nothing worked. I just knew it was the husband doing what I’ve been complaining about him NOT doing for years. Is it that I’m just not attracted to him or if it’s that I’ll ever be able to enjoy sex again with anyone? Did any other ladies have this issue after a long time without sex? Am I broken for good?
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Post by baza on Jul 1, 2018 3:12:59 GMT -5
Blokes opinion here, so apply whatever discounts you feel appropriate. I think that - based on your run of stories - your marriage is irretrievably broken. But it doesn't follow that you - the individual - are also broken Sister Carol . You may well be 'part' of a broken dynamic, but in a functional dynamic (or just on your own in no dynamic at all) you would likely find that as an individual you are quite functional.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 1, 2018 5:50:45 GMT -5
Carol I had sex once in the last 3 years of my marriage. I had lost all desire for my H. But being with another man who actually excited me and desired me made it all come rushing back immediately. My desire (and pleasure) just keeps growing. You are not broken. You will be able to enjoy sex again and likely more than ever. Edit: Oh wait, it was once in the final 4 years of our marriage. The sexless years just start to fade into each other when there is no longer any hope.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jul 1, 2018 8:25:37 GMT -5
Carol - I don’t believe you’re broken. I too worried at times, what if I “can’t” anymore. But it’s about the emotional connection & when desired, I CAN respond appropriately to the situation. Getting out of my SM was easier for me once I knew that my H would never again “be enough” to excite me, to make me feel wanted & loved. I hope you find your way forward.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 1, 2018 8:55:20 GMT -5
Your marriage is irretrievably broken. You no longer want sex with your refuser. It may even be as repulsive as is incest. You’d probably enjoy sex with another man who welcomed sex with you and whom you were attracted to.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 1, 2018 12:32:17 GMT -5
You aren’t broken you just aren’t attracted to him.
I’m not sexually attracted to my spouse who is also my exH. I think he’s handsome but he doesn’t turn me on. I’m sure that’s a relief for him because sex was not important to him.
All I can say is I encourage you to explore your sexuality. It’s YOUR sexuality!
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Post by surfergirl on Jul 1, 2018 14:05:24 GMT -5
Two thoughts:
1. Antidepressants almost always cause a libido affect. Wellbutrin being the one with the least reported sexual side affects. Are you on any?
2. Can you achieve orgasm through masturbation?
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 1, 2018 16:28:26 GMT -5
Not a lady, here, but I reached a point where sex with my refuser stopped being something I wanted, because I realized the want was never reciprocated. Mechanically, my wife could even do some things I had explained to her that I wanted, but, it is not the same as when one's partner actually desires to do the same thing. Knowing the pleasure was not mutual and never would be was important. If you know where you are, then you know where you are going.
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Post by tirefire on Jul 1, 2018 22:20:46 GMT -5
I bet you were hoping another man would reply. 🤣 That magnetic attraction you feel to someone early on? When the magnet gets turned around it turns into repulsion. You are probably at some form of that. I know for me that magnet has fully turned.
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Post by Carol on Jul 1, 2018 22:23:50 GMT -5
Two thoughts: 1. Antidepressants almost always cause a libido affect. Wellbutrin being the one with the least reported sexual side affects. Are you on any? 2. Can you achieve orgasm through masturbation? Yes, I’m on antidepressants, I was on a large dose cocktail of lexapro, wellbrutin and trazadone due to a hospitalization two years ago when I complemented suicide. My new psychiatrist has me off the wellbrutin and trazadone and slowly decreasing the lexapro in favor of Zoloft. To answer your question, yes, I can totally achieve orgasm through masterbastion. It take longer then in the past but I know that is because of the meds and age (47 next month). I guess I’m just scared that I’ll never achieve one with a partner.
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Post by baza on Jul 1, 2018 23:23:10 GMT -5
I'd suggest that your problem is just about all 'situational' Sister Carol. And, if you were in a different situation - say a situation like being single and available, and with a half decent and enthusiastic bloke - the story about your sexual capabilities would be entirely different. In fact, I'd bet that it wouldn't even be a story any more. I'm loathe to recommend outsourcing to you (as it can chuck another layer of complication over an already complex situation) but in your situation it is a perfectly legitimate choice available to you. It would also be likely to be a complete game changer for you one way or another, so it wouldn't be wise to go into it half arsed. You'd need to be prepped just like you were divorcing.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jul 2, 2018 0:02:29 GMT -5
Carol when I was in my sexless marriage I was deeply and devastatingly and clinically depressed. It was hard to move out of the marriage and it kept me stuck. But of course my marriage was also keeping me stuck in depression, too. And I remember thinking one time that if I stayed in that marriage for ten more years... well, I'd be dead. I'd be dead because my health was failing or I'd take my own life.
I'm now with a new partner and still on some drugs - I tried to come off them and I wasn't ready. There is a long history of clinical depression and anxiety in my family. I may never be ready to fully come of the drugs. However, I'm not depressed, but the anxiety hasn't left me. I'm also not quite divorced yet and in the middle of a house move, so of course I'm anxious!! But having a partner who is loving and supportive is fantastic. And while we're only just over the one year mark in our relationship, the sex is amazing - he can always make me want him even when I don't think I'm particularly want-y.
The drug I'm taking at certain doses makes it harder for me to cum but not at the level I'm at now. Fortunately for me, I've not taken a anti-depressant that has an affect on my libido. Though I used to wish they would when I was in my sexless marriage.
I did outsource (like Baza suggested) and it was a huge, huge, huge boost to my self-esteem and made me realise it wasn't me. ZERO regrets on that.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 2, 2018 8:02:24 GMT -5
Even "broken" things can be repaired. That's why we have that word.
However, I don't think you're broken. Just battered. Broken people don't hope for better.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 2, 2018 8:54:23 GMT -5
I just knew it was the husband doing what I’ve been complaining about him NOT doing for years. Is it that I’m just not attracted to him or if it’s that I’ll ever be able to enjoy sex again with anyone? Did any other ladies have this issue after a long time without sex? Am I broken for good? You most likely have anger and hostility against him and rightly so. You have been robbed for years what was rightfully yours in a marriage. it has been wrongfully one sided. So it's very natural to recoil when the refuser lays a hand on you or is only showing a one moment ,micro second act of physical intimacy. Your mind and body instantly knows the fakeness of it, so your tenseness is at an all time high. Now think about how your body reacts when you are alone, calm , relaxed, and fill your mind with thoughts of being touched by a man who is new and has shown desire for you. (without getting into mental and physical specifics) Is that part of you still working?
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Post by obobfla on Jul 2, 2018 15:03:48 GMT -5
I remember this happening in my marriage. After constantly being turned down, I struggled with depression. I worried about the effects of anti-depressants, but masturbation was never a problem. The only noticeable sexual side effect was that it took longer for me to orgasm, not ED. I would point out that my wife’s psychiatric medicines did a number on her menstrual cycle. I did outsource, which proved the problem wasn’t me or my meds. Like elkclan2 attested, outsourcing did wonders for my self-confidence. But I wanted my marriage to work, so I kept trying with my wife to no avail. Even a romantic weekend at a B&B didn’t help. I started really resenting my wife, and that resentment killed all desire I had for her. Then her health started fading, and sex became a secondary issue. It was the resentment, not anything physical inside me, that killed my feelings for my wife. I still cared for her, but I had to take care of myself. Your situation sounds like mine, Carol . I would check with your doctor, but the most likely medicine for you is another lover.
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