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Post by becca on Sept 16, 2016 0:49:38 GMT -5
Why can't I sleep?!?! It is just shy of 2am here. If I am back at 4, shoot me.
It is one thing I always have going for me. I never have problems sleeping. This forum is dredging up way too much reality. Tried putting the rose colored glasses back on but they are cracked.
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Post by becca on Sept 14, 2016 21:53:26 GMT -5
I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but I think when I tell my wife I love her, there's an asterisk on the end, and fine print at the bottom that says something to the effect of, "but not really in a husband- wife way, more like a friend you've known for a long time kind of way." I'm not even fully sure when I realized this was happening, or even what to do with yet. I'm not upset, just worried about hurting wife when they inevitable conversation happens. Anybody else, when you got try this point, what were your feelings, and how did you tell your spouse? I haven't said "I don't love you any more" because in my case it wouldn't be true. I will always love him and want the best for him but it just may not be with me. But I did tell him I wasn't happy and I couldn't continue to live this way any longer. There is a chance that your wife is already picking up on the asterisk, if not consciously, subconsciously. But I don't think there is any way around hurting her when you have this conversation. You just have to take ownership of that and it sucks. My suggestion? Honesty...even if it hurts.
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Post by becca on Sept 13, 2016 14:50:46 GMT -5
Yes you do. BECAUSE YOU KEEP TELLING YOURSELF YOU DO. Don't be your worst enemy, Roch.
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Post by becca on Sept 13, 2016 14:42:52 GMT -5
I have never had the passion-filled, clothing falling, backs against the wall, crazy-in-bed sex that I have craved for my entire marriage and it breaks my heart. On the nights we do, we both shower and its basically planned out. We have a adult son (I had him before we got married from a previous relationship) who does not live at home so its just us with the freedom to do what we want and I can't get him to chase me to save my life. He likes to goofily touch my nip through my shirt or tell the dog, "look at momma! Isn't she pretty? Doesn't she have a cute butt?" and he calls me lover which drives me CRAZY because you have to be one to be named one! I'm to the point that unless he's willing to finish the job right then, then don't touch the goods. LOL Thanks for the vent. Its nice knowing I'm not alone in this. You are most definitely NOT alone, Lonelygirl. So many of us on here can relate. Once upon a time I had the "back against the wall, crazy-in-bed sex" but it is such a distant memory now I can barely recall it. I too live with a talker. For me, it is especially when other people are around. The arm goes around me, the flirty comments start. There was a time it was like crumbs for me and I would gobble them up. Now they just make me angry because it isn't real. You can vent here any time and you are not alone, my friend.
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Post by becca on Sept 13, 2016 11:54:14 GMT -5
I don't let on that I'm lonely in a SM. I save my tears for when I go to bed. I smile and try to be friendly to everyone. I do get a lot of compliments on my smile and friendliness. My feeling is that there are so many people who are angry and uncaring, that I want to be the person who might make your day brighter and I try very hard to do that, even though inside me, I hurt, am lonely and am unloved. You know what makes my day brighter? When somebody tells me something that is real. It doesn't have to be happy, or sad or even something that is particularly interesting to me. Just something that says This is who I am right now. Then I feel like I have actually connected with somebody and stopped skating around on the surface trying to pretend everything is shiny and plastic and new. I can completely related to this. "when everything feels like the movies, you just bleed to know you're alive"...or something like that.
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Post by becca on Sept 13, 2016 11:15:33 GMT -5
A support network should be there for all of us.... for me... I have me....and there is me....I am sure I will be one of those guys who dies and no one knows for a year... I have taught myself to rely on only me....but it should not be that way.... Don't go my way. Roch...a little less Eyeore and a little more Tigger or even Pooh or Owl, buddy. I think we can get in these ruts with ourselves and not even realize it. Our subconscious mind "hears" our own voice more than anyone else. Make sure your voice is on your side. I have read several posts from you and they are hard to read because there is so much negativity towards yourself. Focus on your strengths and not your short comings. I am sure you have lots of those. Search for the silver lining. Please don't think I am trying to say to be someone you are not but as a fellow person struggling with my own doubt and shortcomings, I wanted to encourage you to set the self criticism aside. There are enough people that take care of that for us.
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Post by becca on Sept 13, 2016 6:08:05 GMT -5
Swimming. The sensation of water against skin.
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Post by becca on Sept 12, 2016 20:28:01 GMT -5
I agree. People are either givers or takers in my book and just because you can't stir the peanut butter jar doesn't mean you can't lick it! I. Love. This!
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Post by becca on Sept 12, 2016 19:10:00 GMT -5
becca , that is exactly the kind of talk I want to have with my kids someday. I have really tried to veer away from the type of upbringing I had as much as possible from the beginning. I want my children to be comfortable with their bodies and to not stigmatize things like exploring their bodies (the rule is that they have to do it in private). They're almost 3 and 4 now, so I have time to work through all of the repression that went on when I was young. I have vivid memories of being spanked after my pediatrician told my mom that I had been masturbating (of course, I didn't know the term "masturbating" or what it meant until I was in high school), and while I knew sex was how babies were made, my parents never really talked about it beyond "God made men and women differently so their bodies will fit together." [insert all the eyeroll emojis] There was also the "modesty" stigma and the constant overtones of "you can't be a Christian and have or enjoy sex." So I feel like I have a lot to make up for with my kids. I am right there with you. Similar upbringing in a sense. My parents had a great relationship. In the early years I thought they were wrestling in the room next door every night. But when it came to us kids, it was hush, hush about sex. I remember my mom giving me a 4 book set on sex and that was that. I do have to say those were quite informative. But it was all very clinical. You definitely have a few years to go but don't blink. It will be here before you know it. It is all so contained when they are 3 and 4. I loved those years. I know how exhausting it can be but it is also wonderful and fleeting. Enjoy it.
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Post by becca on Sept 12, 2016 14:19:38 GMT -5
My advice is find your voice by INCREASING the distance from him: - Spend time with friends of yours -- or make new friends
- Take a class: music, exercise, pottery... just start growing in SOME WAY that is outside of the shade he is casting in your life.
- Do something you've always wanted to do but haven't because he would have poo-pooed it. Could be small (start wearing a color you like but he disapproves of) or big (makes some purchase; take a vacation with some girlfriends).
- Start caring less about his opinions.
I don't think you can deliver the message you want until you have "more you" to stand on.
5 star advice, Dan! I think it creates a bridge for those of us living in the land of indecision.
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Post by becca on Sept 12, 2016 13:50:34 GMT -5
I am guilty today of reading zero serious posts. I feel bad. But sometimes it's more than my heart can take to read and feel others pain as well as my own. That sounds very selfish I know. Sometimes I just hang out on the lighter side and the songs. Sorry I'm a shit supporter some days. It's not because I don't care. It's because I feel for us all more than I can take sometimes. Love you all X I feel you 100% eternaloptimism. Sometimes the empathy meter can be off the charts.
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Post by becca on Sept 12, 2016 13:37:24 GMT -5
becca : "I have a friend who is a paraplegic so she truly feels absolutely nothing. But has an active sex lives and enjoys the intimacy with her husband. The biggest sex organ will always be the brain." Thank you! Every time I hear about a spouse with a major, serious health situation, who still manages to be sexual because they know it makes their partner happy - I feel vindicated. They can do it if they want to. I can pretty well guarantee that if it was the husband who was paralyzed and couldn't feel anything down below there would be no sexual intimacy of any kind. If a man can't get hard and have an orgasm he finds any kind of sexual activity unpleasant. This is why you rarely hear of male refusers giving " mercy sex" to their spouse. I believe it would depend on the individual. Some men would move mountains to make their spouse happy if they could. I realize my friend was a woman but she said she started becoming more sensitive in the areas that she could feel like her stomach and breasts. They became much more erogenous. I would hope a man would experience a similar feeling. A physical union encompasses mind, body and soul and isn't just about a physical sensation. I myself find an incredible amount of pleasure in pleasing my partner. Again, I think it would just depend on the individual.
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Post by becca on Sept 12, 2016 9:36:36 GMT -5
Welcome, becca . Glad you found us; sorry about the reason. Thank you smartkat. I have really enjoyed reading your posts!
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Post by becca on Sept 12, 2016 8:54:28 GMT -5
This song...
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Post by becca on Sept 12, 2016 8:37:36 GMT -5
Oh, people here, in this group, think it's OK to leave a marriage due to lack of sex. But when we discuss it with our refuser, they get all indignant. Sex is such a small, insignificant thing, and all the other parts of the relationship are so much more important, yada yada yada. If sex is so small and insignificant that we shouldn't mind being denied it - then it is such a small, insignificant thing that refusers shouldn't mind if we leave them (or outsource.) Got it - you are right that I was referring inside our group/convo and I didn't get that your reference was to the rest of folks - I get what you mean. It does get SO minimized elsewhere. Like wanting & enjoying sex is some indicator I'm a bad person or something. Well - if somebody didn't like sex, then I wouldn't even BE here. I'm the youngest of 11 children (same parents) - thank god they had sex, even when they had 10 kids and the youngest was about to go to kindergarten. I don't believe my mom was an unwilling participant at all. (This wasn't evident when I was younger and learning of things, but now I understand a lot more than back then). Yeah - I know what you mean now. It comes down to the couple communicating. Both sides need to compromise here if the end goal is to stay together. But there has to be compromise. To ask for everything to be just like it has been but also expect him to like it and be content with that is too much. I have a friend who is a paraplegic so she truly feels absolutely nothing. But has an active sex lives and enjoys the intimacy with her husband. The biggest sex organ will always be the brain.
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