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Post by Dan on Jul 29, 2016 11:53:13 GMT -5
I'm realizing how much my upbringing left HUGE holes in my understanding about sex as a part of a healthy, adult life. I can point to SO MANY omissions, and can vaguely point the finger at my parents and church-based instruction on the matter.
In short, both were SO focused on the evils of premarital sex that they just never got to "sex is healthy and good". I think that is one major reason why as my marriage descended in to "low sex" then "no sex" that I wasn't really able to know my OWN feelings clearly (in large part to all the "guilt" spread around the topic), let alone how to express them to my wife.
I'm trying to imagine what "current me" would tell "younger me" if I could go back in time. What would I tell me as a pre-dating adolescent? As a dating teen? As a young man, before marriage? As a soon-to-be-groom? Or at various points in my marriage?
And I'm not talking about the mechanics of sex: contraception, techniques for the act itself, yada yada. I much more am interested in getting to the heart of what ROLE it plays in the life, health, and happiness of an individual and a couple.
I'm trying to think of WHAT I needed to hear, then -- given that I know me best -- HOW I would have best been told.
I'm not sure it would have prevented me from marrying my current spouse and avoiding my SM; I think the signs of her libido-that-would-crash were well hidden. But maybe MAYBE I would have done something different earlier as the sexlessness crept in.
What would YOU say to your younger self? What are the most important things that you weren't told, and have had to figure out the hard way?
AND -- where all of this is really going -- I fear I am on the cusp of making same mistake with MY kids! Dang it, it will be so "uncool" for me to try to convey some of this to my kids (ranging in age from 24 to 15), but -- by gum -- if I can help them avoid some of this pain, I really, really want to.
All thoughts welcomed!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2016 12:16:45 GMT -5
I would tell my younger self: "Don't listen to the people who tell you sex isn't important - or who show by their other statements that they don't think it's important for you to be happy with your sex life."
This goes back to the well-meaning adults who want teenage girls to be pretty and feminine, but not too sexy. Who want them to stay sort of innocent and romantic and grow up to marry somebody stable with a good job who will never do anything bad to them. That sounds like a nice thing to wish for somebody, but what if that "good husband" doesn't want sex with them?
Or, if the girl really believes and accepts the message of "be pretty but not too sexy" and/or "a good girl doesn't care about having a good sex life?" That girl may very well turn into a refuser.
I think most adults are so eager to tell kids (especially girls) that "sex isn't the only thing," that they have gone to the opposite extreme. In fact, this is so true that I can't even imagine parents of a teen girl telling her, "Your sexual satisfaction is important. Don't settle for a man who isn't compatible with you sexually."
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2016 12:29:49 GMT -5
Easy... I would tell myself... relax, women like sex as much as you do... you just have to try... (took 40 years for me to figure that out)
Sex should be fun, enjoyable, open... allow people in and spend less time worrying about their reaction. You lost a lot my worrying and hesitating.
and....
If you don't feel passion, if she does not make you better.... don't marry her...
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Post by pfviento on Jul 29, 2016 15:19:19 GMT -5
Before you marry take an honest inventory of the ability of your spouse to handle stress. Marriages and work will have stress.
If one party is doing the majority of the sacrificing don't assume it will change. Adding in kids will only deplete you more.
If you want kids talk to someone who had a baby with colic. Think about how 4 months of constant screaming while the spouse is in post partum depression will effect you.
Specifically to myself "Pink Panther try it". (The theme was the only way to stop my infant from crying.)
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 29, 2016 15:25:08 GMT -5
wewbwb - take your time - Learn to communicate better - do not sacrifice yourself to please her on a daily basis.
Wait. Be patient - Do not feel "Time is running out"
When she asks you for a divorce - take it.
You learned a lot and are better for it.
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Post by baza on Jul 29, 2016 19:15:33 GMT -5
It might be an interesting exercise to transplant oneself into the year 2026 and speculate on what advice one might give oneself applicable to 2016.
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Anyway, personally, the advice I'd give myself 30 years ago would be more along the "guiding principles" rather than specifics.
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And that'd be something along the lines - "Have some standards baz, for yourself as a start, and for others in your life".
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 29, 2016 19:59:45 GMT -5
It might be an interesting exercise to transplant oneself into the year 2026 and speculate on what advice one might give oneself applicable to 2016. - Anyway, personally, the advice I'd give myself 30 years ago would be more along the "guiding principles" rather than specifics. - And that'd be something along the lines - "Have some standards baz, for yourself as a start, and for others in your life". For me, it would be along the lines of "What you do today matters. Don't waste it." Sage advice baza. |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jul 30, 2016 10:31:04 GMT -5
Watch how he treats the women in his life (mom, sisters, grandmothers, etc); he will treat you the same way.
Agree with watching how they handle stress.
If they are uncomfortable or uptight about sex/intimacy before marriage, it will not get better.
Listen to your gut, it is smarter than your heart.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 30, 2016 12:27:17 GMT -5
If I could go back in time and talk to myself I would go to the honeymoon. The first night we got it on, twice, but then nothing until two or three days later. I could remember laying in the bed in a cabin in the woods in Winter freezing and thinking why aren't we fooling around. We snuggled and were playful and yes I was happy. It just wasn't as impactful because 1) love is blind and when I love someone it's with all my heart. 2) it wasn't to the point then of being reset it was just not as frequent as I liked it.
So if I could go back I would go back to that point and because I did love him so much and I have no regrets I would want a redo. I know this must be crazy talk from bballgirl, and you should know I crying as I write this but I think if I could talk to that girl and tell her straight up her future, she would have listened.
There's a lot I would tell her.
1) Normal men like sex a lot with a live woman.
If he's not having sex with you then you need to be more assertive to let him know "This is not ok, this is not normal, I expect sex at least twice a week and you better learn to love to eat pussy, (yeah I thought men didn't like that). This is day three of our marriage and if you don't figure out how to enjoy sex with me then we can be friends and not husband and wife".
2) stop taking vacations in casinos
3) the time he gambled away the Christmas money and he threatened to leave but instead you wanted to keep the family together because after all it was Christmas, so you apologized and told him to not leave - Let him go, tell him to fuck off and Merry Christmas.
4) It's not all bad you have 2 beautiful children and they are so worth all the crap you went through.
5) No matter what in the end you will be ok because eventually you don't tolerate bullshit and you will eventually put yourself first.
I don't think I ever was of the mindset of good girls should act a certain way or not enjoy sex because I was very willing to do whatever my H wanted whenever. I just cared too much about his ego and making him feel bad as a man than I did my own feelings.
In summary part of me thinks- I should have said "what the fuck is wrong with you, get yourself right or we will be done". That person in my eyes is foolish. The other part the way I think today thinks - "you shouldn't want a man to touch you that you would have to say those things to". Put yourself first and enjoy your life you deserve it.
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 30, 2016 13:00:55 GMT -5
bballgirl , powerful stuff. Thinking back, we had an argument on our wedding night about sex. She said "no one gets laid on their wedding night" Talk about a sign of things to come. Or not cum as the case may be...
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 30, 2016 13:04:41 GMT -5
bballgirl , powerful stuff. Thinking back, we had an argument on our wedding night about sex. She said "no one gets laid on their wedding night" Talk about a sign of things to come. Or not cum as the case may be... Yes and at that point WTF needs to be said! They need to be called out on bullshit because it just snowballs and you don't even know it's Winter. |
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Post by wewbwb on Jul 30, 2016 13:15:35 GMT -5
I keep adding things, thank you for bearing with me. Apparently my younger self is an idiot.
Also make sure she likes the freaky things you do as well.
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Post by Caris on Jul 30, 2016 14:51:21 GMT -5
It might be an interesting exercise to transplant oneself into the year 2026 and speculate on what advice one might give oneself applicable to 2016. - Anyway, personally, the advice I'd give myself 30 years ago would be more along the "guiding principles" rather than specifics. - And that'd be something along the lines - "Have some standards baz, for yourself as a start, and for others in your life". Pure wisdom...apply it to the present day from the projected future. I think I'll have to give you a new name Baz: "O' Wise One." |
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Post by samedeepwater on Jul 30, 2016 14:55:05 GMT -5
I'm realizing how much my upbringing left HUGE holes in my understanding about sex as a part of a healthy, adult life. I can point to SO MANY omissions, and can vaguely point the finger at my parents and church-based instruction on the matter. ... I (half) jokingly tell friends that I recovered from a life of religious persecution, my brother. I have NO doubt my religious upbringing helped shape (destroy?) my attitudes toward the fact that a healthy sex life is not only good but is as vital as drawing breath. Unfortunately for us, my ex was a similar refugee and though it was always my hope we could grow in this area together, we never did. In hindsight I there were other factors that prevented her from getting there, but as I had my "great awakening" it also made me realize that there was a whole other life out there for the taking and I had to shed a lot of those other "lessons," my parents worked so hard to teach me. If I made a list of the things I would tell my younger self, or my kids, it would be long indeed. But for me, what I have always tried to foster with my kids is open and honest communication. your kids will never tell you everything, and you shouldn't expect then to. What you can do is make sure the trust is there. I told my kids they can always tell me anything. I may not always agree, and I may offer a different opinion, but I will always love them. I never had that. I made damn sure my kids did. And for me, as I said, I'm a refugee. But that also means I escaped. All of it. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 30, 2016 15:21:48 GMT -5
As far as my kids...
If my son gets serious with a woman that he would want to marry her, hopefully not for another twenty years and hopefully I will be alive, I would be very frank about the sexual compatibility conversation as well as the difference between a giver and a taker. I would also advise him that if things change, don't bite your tongue. Speak up and make sure if someone is part of your life that they are adding to your life and bringing happiness to it. If they are not then you don't need them in your life. He's a sweet boy he might not realize he should speak up and gives friends too many chances.
If my daughter has a man in her life whether it's serious or not, I will simply say "all I'm going to tell you is if you are giving him oral he better be giving it to you and very enthusiastically at that like its his last drink ever".
Again the compatibility/ giver/ taker speech. Be independent, have a career so you will never be stuck in a bad relationship. Speak up and make sure if someone is part of your life that they are adding to your life and bringing happiness to it. If they are not then you don't need them in your life. I probably don't have to tell her this, she's a sassy little thing. If she ever got kidnapped they'd return her within the hour.
My children will learn from my mistakes. First way I helped to ensure this was by divorcing their father.
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