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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 11, 2016 8:44:02 GMT -5
becca - your post gives me so much hope & joy. EXCELLENT mom!
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Post by Dan on Sept 11, 2016 15:23:36 GMT -5
This past weekend I decided to have a more detailed talk with my 19 year old. This was prompted when I found condoms in a bag she had brought home with her. I called it Sex Talk 2. She was obviously having sex but I wanted her to know it was okay to enjoy it. Practice safe sex (looks like she had that covered) but really enjoy it. I also told her so much of what we know about sex we get from the movies and media in general and it is incredibly off in the telling. They aren't going to show a scene where it takes a woman 15 minutes to orgasm. Much easier to make it a 2 minute love scene where both partners experience orgasm simultaneously. You also rarely see a scene where the woman is guiding the man. I guess every man is just naturally supposed to be a Casanova and know the exact spot. No pressure there! Yep, it was an interesting and uncomfortable talk. Wow. I mean: wow. Serious "parental props", becca . You have my deepest respect and admiration for having the courage to do this. And just maybe you've given me a bit more courage to consider the same. |
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nahmastay
Junior Member
Posts: 29 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by nahmastay on Sept 11, 2016 22:34:52 GMT -5
I would tell my younger self that serial monogamy gets you nowhere if your libidos are a mismatch. He is not the Droid you are looking for. Go sample the offerings. Stop listening to your heart. Hopeless romantics are hopeless.
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Post by unmatched on Sept 11, 2016 22:40:00 GMT -5
I would tell my younger self that serial monogamy gets you nowhere if your libidos are a mismatch. He is not the Droid you are looking for. Go sample the offerings. Stop listening to your heart. Hopeless romantics are hopeless. Yes! Hopeless romantics are hopeless.  |
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Post by litnerd on Sept 12, 2016 19:03:10 GMT -5
becca, that is exactly the kind of talk I want to have with my kids someday. I have really tried to veer away from the type of upbringing I had as much as possible from the beginning. I want my children to be comfortable with their bodies and to not stigmatize things like exploring their bodies (the rule is that they have to do it in private). They're almost 3 and 4 now, so I have time to work through all of the repression that went on when I was young. I have vivid memories of being spanked after my pediatrician told my mom that I had been masturbating (of course, I didn't know the term "masturbating" or what it meant until I was in high school), and while I knew sex was how babies were made, my parents never really talked about it beyond "God made men and women differently so their bodies will fit together." [insert all the eyeroll emojis] There was also the "modesty" stigma and the constant overtones of "you can't be a Christian and have or enjoy sex." So I feel like I have a lot to make up for with my kids.
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Post by becca on Sept 12, 2016 19:10:00 GMT -5
becca , that is exactly the kind of talk I want to have with my kids someday. I have really tried to veer away from the type of upbringing I had as much as possible from the beginning. I want my children to be comfortable with their bodies and to not stigmatize things like exploring their bodies (the rule is that they have to do it in private). They're almost 3 and 4 now, so I have time to work through all of the repression that went on when I was young. I have vivid memories of being spanked after my pediatrician told my mom that I had been masturbating (of course, I didn't know the term "masturbating" or what it meant until I was in high school), and while I knew sex was how babies were made, my parents never really talked about it beyond "God made men and women differently so their bodies will fit together." [insert all the eyeroll emojis] There was also the "modesty" stigma and the constant overtones of "you can't be a Christian and have or enjoy sex." So I feel like I have a lot to make up for with my kids. I am right there with you. Similar upbringing in a sense. My parents had a great relationship. In the early years I thought they were wrestling in the room next door every night. But when it came to us kids, it was hush, hush about sex. I remember my mom giving me a 4 book set on sex and that was that. I do have to say those were quite informative. But it was all very clinical. You definitely have a few years to go but don't blink. It will be here before you know it. It is all so contained when they are 3 and 4. I loved those years. I know how exhausting it can be but it is also wonderful and fleeting. Enjoy it. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 12, 2016 19:19:18 GMT -5
I over heard my 19 yr old with his first girlfriend of only two weeks. She had made big plans for a hotel room, his transportation,and most likely his dime. She lives an hour from us. He met her on line. He grew up with a very isolated life in an orphanage till he was 14 and came to America. You could not ask for a better behaved kinder young man.
When I heard this, my red flags went up. We had a one on one talk. I warned him about a manipulative controller, being to much of a pleaser. I asked him what he wanted? Is he ready to be an instant daddy? STD's? Goodbye college education? That also opened the door for explaining many of the problems between his mother and myself.
A good opportunity to warn him about not always giving, but making sure you are receiving, respect, trust, sharing,communicating, and intimacy. Time will tell.
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Post by Dan on Sept 28, 2016 11:22:10 GMT -5
UPDATE: In my OP, I asked what you might tell your kids (say: teenagers) about sex, and the role of a healthy sex life as an adult. Since then I've been considering what I'd say, inspired by becca 's talk. But I had NO IDEA how ever to broach the subject. Well, the Universe smiled, and lobbed me a perfect opportunity. My seventeen year old son is completing his "Family Life" merit badge for Boy Scouts. In it is a requirement for the scout to have a heart to heart conversation with his parents on a few specific topics, one of them being: "Understanding the growing-up process and how the body changes, and making responsible decisions dealing with sex."
My wife went first, and fumbled around a bit how premarital sex clouds your judgement, yada yada. My turn. All of my thoughts just gelled. This is pretty much how it came out:
In my upbringing, my parents and my religious education about sex focused on one thing: "premarital sex is bad". That colored my thinking on the whole subject of sex, and it is SO not the whole picture.
Here's what it has taken me many years of my adult life to figure out and to be able to express: Sex is good. Sometimes: sex is great. I personally think that sex is best inside a committed relationship. In fact, sex is a pretty important part of a committed relationship. But whatever you chose, I hope you have a healthy, happy sex life as an adult.
Don't trust how pop-culture depicts sex: movies, porn, and what your friends tell you. That said: there is a lot of GOOD information about sex out there: books, websites, etc. Information about your body and your partner's body. I know you think you "know it all" because you know the basic mechanics; trust me, even if you actively study these topics by seeking out such information, it will still take you years to get a handle on it.
And: wear a condom. That means: you have to go buy condoms. If you aren't man enough to go buy condoms for yourself, you aren't man enough to be having sex. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 28, 2016 12:02:30 GMT -5
UPDATE: In my OP, I asked what you might tell your kids (say: teenagers) about sex, and the role of a healthy sex life as an adult. Since then I've been considering what I'd say, inspired by becca's talk. But I had NO IDEA how ever to broach the subject. Well, the Universe smiled, and lobbed me a perfect opportunity. My seventeen year old son is completing his "Family Life" merit badge for Boy Scouts. In it is a requirement for the scout to have a heart to heart conversation with his parents on a few specific topics, one of them being: "Understanding the growing-up process and how the body changes, and making responsible decisions dealing with sex."
My wife went first, and fumbled around a bit how premarital sex clouds your judgement, yada yada. My turn. All of my thoughts just gelled. This is pretty much how it came out:
In my upbringing, my parents and my religious education focused on one thing: "premarital sex is bad". That colored my thinking on the subject, and it is SO not the whole picture.
Here's what it has taken me many years of my adult life to figure out and to be able to express: Sex is good. Sometimes: sex is great. I personally think that sex is best inside a committed relationship. In fact, sex is a pretty important part of a committed relationship. But whatever you chose, I hope you have a healthy, happy sex life as an adult.
Don't trust how pop-culture depicts sex: movies, porn, and what your friends tell you. That said: there is a lot of GOOD information about sex out there: books, websites, etc. Information about your body and your partner's body. I know you think you "know it all" because you know the basic mechanics; trust me, even if you actively study these topics by seeking out such information, it will still take you years to get a handle on it.
And: wear a condom. That means: you have to go buy condoms. If you aren't man enough to go buy condoms for yourself, you aren't man enough to be having sex.
Go, Dad! Great job, Dan. You are blessed with the gift of good phrasing and your son, as well as his future partners, will benefit from it. Woohoo - makes my heart light up! |
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Post by becca on Sept 28, 2016 15:12:06 GMT -5
UPDATE: In my OP, I asked what you might tell your kids (say: teenagers) about sex, and the role of a healthy sex life as an adult. Since then I've been considering what I'd say, inspired by becca 's talk. But I had NO IDEA how ever to broach the subject. Well, the Universe smiled, and lobbed me a perfect opportunity. My seventeen year old son is completing his "Family Life" merit badge for Boy Scouts. In it is a requirement for the scout to have a heart to heart conversation with his parents on a few specific topics, one of them being: "Understanding the growing-up process and how the body changes, and making responsible decisions dealing with sex."
My wife went first, and fumbled around a bit how premarital sex clouds your judgement, yada yada. My turn. All of my thoughts just gelled. This is pretty much how it came out:
In my upbringing, my parents and my religious education about sex focused on one thing: "premarital sex is bad". That colored my thinking on the whole subject of sex, and it is SO not the whole picture.
Here's what it has taken me many years of my adult life to figure out and to be able to express: Sex is good. Sometimes: sex is great. I personally think that sex is best inside a committed relationship. In fact, sex is a pretty important part of a committed relationship. But whatever you chose, I hope you have a healthy, happy sex life as an adult.
Don't trust how pop-culture depicts sex: movies, porn, and what your friends tell you. That said: there is a lot of GOOD information about sex out there: books, websites, etc. Information about your body and your partner's body. I know you think you "know it all" because you know the basic mechanics; trust me, even if you actively study these topics by seeking out such information, it will still take you years to get a handle on it.
And: wear a condom. That means: you have to go buy condoms. If you aren't man enough to go buy condoms for yourself, you aren't man enough to be having sex.That is awesome, Dan! Glad the opportunity presented itself. |
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Post by h on May 3, 2017 14:48:45 GMT -5
I would have different things to say at different points in life.
To my adolescent self, I would say to go out and spend more time getting to know girls. I was very shy anyway but the indoctrinated fear of temptation led me to avoid the opposite sex for much of my youth. I missed out on so many opportunities to just make friends with females and learn social skills. It made high school and college awkward and led me to avoid many experiences that I now regret.
To my college age self, I would say to date (not necessarily including sex but don't rule it out) many women and really figure out what qualities matter most most to me in life. I only had one girlfriend in college and she became my current wife. I was an ignorant fool who had no frame of reference for what makes a good relationship. Since we both agreed to wait for marriage, neither of us knew that sex would become a battle once we did marry. We never talked about it extensively and we both just assumed that it would work itself out.
I would tell my college graduate self not to marry until I was older and more sure of what I wanted in a woman who I expected to spend the rest of my life with. I would tell myself to have the honest and blunt sex conversation with my future wife BEFORE thinking about buying a ring. Make my expectations of regular and frequent sexual intimacy clear and if she didn't agree, then part ways amicably. Don't settle for anything less and end up throwing away a decade or more of my life in a depressing and unfulfilling marriage.
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