Dodged a bullet, not sure about the bazooka

Hello ILIASM friends.

When we last left our heroine Adventura, she had started seeing a therapist through her work employee assistance service, and had engineered a platonic rendezvous at a group meetup with a New Guy she meet last spring. D-date was mid July.

As Baz so astutely predicted, I did not break up with my SR (sexless relationship) partner in time for D-date. New Guy came to the meetup, we talked a lot, flirted a little, had a generally nice time. Emailed back and forth with him a couple of times in July. Then my job got insanely busy around August 1 and stayed that way all month. No time to even have emotions, let alone feel them. New Guy dropped out of sight and I didn't pursue. Figured him for a dud, to be honest.

My job abruptly got slow. I emailed and invited New Guy for coffee. He morphed it into dinner and we sat across from each other for a couple of hours, chatted animatedly, flirted more than a little, and when I left he followed me to my car and gave me a goodbye hug.

Since then, radio silence. No email, no phone call (he has my number, or he could email me and ask if he lost it). Call me old fashioned, but when a woman orchestrates two semi-dates with a man, I expect him to make the next move, or at least contact me to say he had a nice time. I'm not going to do all of the work - it reeks of SM dynamics. So I've moved New Guy to the dustbin and figure I dodged a bullet. Three months is long enough.

I saw my counselor twice in July. We talked about my partner a lot and she recommended I come up with an exit strategy since that's what she was hearing from me. I found the prospect of being single once again pretty dreary. Then I got the flu and spent 24 hours puking. I was dehydrated and hallucinating - scary as hell. Called my partner who showed up at my house with ginger ale and saltines and did a very fine job of playing Florence Nightengale. I didn't change my mind about him, but it did make me realize that my support network is practically nonexistent and all I have other than him is acquaintances whom I'm not really comfortable calling to say, "I'm puking." This happens a lot to people in long term relationships, gradually over several years in my own experience. So I learned from puking that I'd damn well better resurrect some old friendships and make some new ones if I expect to be single. Important lesson. Not sure where I'll find the time. I have a long commute and when I get home in the evening I have just enough energy to feed myself, perform some basic personal hygiene, read a bit, and crawl into bed.

Last week a longtime friend called and told me she's having substance abuse issues. It came as a shock to me, but then I haven't kept in close touch with her since I went back to work full time two years ago. She told me a lot of things about the relationship between anxiety and addiction that helped me understand my partner a little better. We also talked a lot about me and my partner, and whether there's anything there worth saving.

Then my partner shocked me by opening up a discussion about us, something he's never done in 12 years. I had told him a few weeks ago that I was seeing a counselor and evaluating my options, and by god he stopped being passive and showed enough mojo to admit to the role he's played in our growing apart, without much prodding from me. We aren't negotiating the sexless part, yet, but honestly I don't feel ready to open up to him about that unless he can get some of his larger issues under control. I told him he has my support but my patience is not unlimited, and it's primarily his responsibility and I want to hear his plans as he goes about it. He wasn't defensive or evasive. It felt good.

So I've made the choice to stay - for now. I'm not optimistic or pessimistic, but I'm at peace with where I am, and I'm able to enjoy what's positive about our relationship. We haven't been sexual, but I'm no longer revulsed by touching or hugging or kissing him, and it feels quietly, unhurriedly sexy. Sex with him was usually good when we used to have it. We just didn't have it very often, and over the years I got resentful from all the rejection and pulled away. He'll have to win me back if he wants me.

I feel a little bit vulnerable. You all know that feeling - when you have hope, you've handed a large-caliber weapon to your partner. I'm trying to keep my hope to a minimum and just see everything for what it is. All I can do is stay aware and honest with myself and resist the urge to control.

Peace to you all. I read here and learn from you every day. I hope something in this thread helps someone.