Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2016 22:06:57 GMT -5
Ok you committed to three months, then I think it's clear, and you see it too, that it will then be time to start looking for a lawyer. You're right, this won't be a divorce, it will be an autopsy. A relationship is like an organism. Once it's dead it's dead. Well maybe Jesus was an exception but that was a special one off for the redemption of the cosmos so that doesn't count.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Sept 5, 2016 22:34:12 GMT -5
It would appear that bringing all your resources and energy to your exit strategy would be the most productive thing to be doing.
-
There seems very little point in devoting time and resources toward "her", and by default the "marriage".
-
If you are personally getting something out of the "joint" counselling sessions then a case could be made to continue with that - as well as your personal counselling. Otherwise, the "joint" counselling appears to be a waste of your time, her time and the counsellors time.
|
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 5, 2016 23:59:44 GMT -5
It's the fact she still has a sex drive and masturbates about you that messes with me most.
That and where she thinks it's just you that needs the counselling.
Tiger, you are doing so well.
Keep doing what you're doing and your life will find its way back to you.
Squeezes xxx
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Sept 6, 2016 6:00:19 GMT -5
CT, has your wife ever done anything physically abusive to you? Or to anyone else? Did she grow up experiencing physical abuse? My concern is that if there is any you would take a masculine, forgiving attitude towards it. The fear of her calling the law someday is still a concern I have for you. Call it a hunch.
|
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Sept 6, 2016 6:47:11 GMT -5
Wife got back from the bachelorette weekend last night, and we talked a bit about how our respective weekends went. She emphasized all the hiking she had done, all the socializing she'd been involved with, and all the better choices she'd made in terms of eating and drinking. I nodded, congratulated her, but I'm still maintaining my "wait and see" attitude on this, for obvious reasons. We went and did our own things for a couple hours, and she asked me if I was going to sleep in the bedroom or the spare. I told her the spare, as my allergies have started acting up a bit with the coming change in seasons, plus I was planning on getting up early with the dogs and didn't want to wake her up. She seemed to accept this and I said good night and went to the guest room.
A few minutes later I heard her walk down the hall to take the dogs out before bed, then back a few minutes later with muffled sobbing. I got up and walked into the bedroom and asked her what was going on.
"I just have missed you!" She started, between sobs. "And I've started to understand how you've felt- I've been so lonely."
I assured her that I wasn't trying to punish her in any way, and she told me she knew that.
"I'm so very, very sorry. I'm sorry I haven't been what you've needed."
I thanked her.
"How are you handling all of this?" She asked, referring to my lack of visible emotion in reaction.
"Well, I've been hurting for a very, very long time, so I'm still very much in a place of protecting myself."
She nodded and said she understood, and apologized again and again for not being what I've needed. I thanked her again.
So... Progress? It's nice to see she's acknowledging a bit that it's not all on me for a change. I guess it remains to see what she does with it. I still am not fully trusting it yet, for obvious reasons.
As for the compatibility, I'll bring that up and ask her about it when I get back in town tomorrow.
|
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Sept 6, 2016 7:05:03 GMT -5
CT, has your wife ever done anything physically abusive to you? Or to anyone else? Did she grow up experiencing physical abuse? My concern is that if there is any you would take a masculine, forgiving attitude towards it. The fear of her calling the law someday is still a concern I have for you. Call it a hunch. No to anything concerning physical abuse between us, and to the best of my knowledge, there was none growing up. She was sexually assaulted by a supposed friend once in college, but she's claimed many times over she's over that; I'm not sure if that could play any part in the current situation. We both have a zero-tolerance policy when it comes to physical abuse though. I appreciate your concern and I'll definitely keep an eye out. |
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Sept 6, 2016 7:08:14 GMT -5
It's the fact she still has a sex drive and masturbates about you that messes with me most. That and where she thinks it's just you that needs the counselling. Tiger, you are doing so well. Keep doing what you're doing and your life will find its way back to you. Squeezes xxx I don't know that I fully trust what she said about the sex part though; I mean, eight months and no initiation or even hinting at it? And before that, it was four months. And before that, it was once in our wedding night, once on our honeymoon, and once when we got back. If the sex was so important to her, I feel like we'd be having it more often and she wouldn't have put so much energy into so aggressively shooting me down. That part really, really angered me. |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 6, 2016 7:12:29 GMT -5
That must have been pretty draining for you last night lovely.
She obviously wants you to see the lengths she is going to to be in a better relationship with you.
It's whether she can keep it up and whether you can get past it.
And I know how it will have twisted you inside when she got upset and admitted its not all you.
To be fair, in one weekend she has made more effort than mine would in a lifetime!
It's hard to trust that the behaviour can continue though isn't it.
Protect yourself....and proceed with caution. As you said, wait and see won't do any harm. Just don't wait for tooooooo long!
Xxx
|
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Sept 6, 2016 7:41:26 GMT -5
That must have been pretty draining for you last night lovely. She obviously wants you to see the lengths she is going to to be in a better relationship with you. It's whether she can keep it up and whether you can get past it. And I know how it will have twisted you inside when she got upset and admitted its not all you. To be fair, in one weekend she has made more effort than mine would in a lifetime! It's hard to trust that the behaviour can continue though isn't it. Protect yourself....and proceed with caution. As you said, wait and see won't do any harm. Just don't wait for tooooooo long! Xxx The biggest question is still compatibility; you're right in that regard about her not being a Tigress any longer; she still also hasn't given me an answer anyway on what she's been getting out of this marriage. I hesitate to use the word mistake, but I still spend a lot of time wondering of we should have just stayed friends. |
|
|
|
Post by nyartgal on Sept 6, 2016 11:45:41 GMT -5
Meh. There is "reset sex" and there all also "reset words." Meaningless except to keep you hooked in for another month, year, decade, etc.
My ex used to do this to me all the time. I would tell him how unhappy I was and he would periodically moan about "how hard he was trying" and how I had to be more patient, more understanding, more appreciative of his efforts. Finally at the end I asked him, "Tell me three things you have done to work on our marriage that I didn't force you to do, that we didn't do together, or that you came up with on your own." He couldn't think of one. I kicked him out the next day.
Actions, not words.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2016 18:06:35 GMT -5
Meh. There is "reset sex" and there all also "reset words." Meaningless except to keep you hooked in for another month, year, decade, etc. My ex used to do this to me all the time. I would tell him how unhappy I was and he would periodically moan about "how hard he was trying" and how I had to be more patient, more understanding, more appreciative of his efforts. Finally at the end I asked him, "Tell me three things you have done to work on our marriage that I didn't force you to do, that we didn't do together, or that you came up with on your own." He couldn't think of one. I kicked him out the next day. Actions, not words. Verbal reset. In other words, folks, your refusers are chumping you. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Sept 7, 2016 6:51:00 GMT -5
nyartgal makes a highly relevant point.
There is "re-set sex" - a subject that is generally understood in this group.
There is also "re-set conversation"
There are also "re-set trying"
-
The heavy hitter is "re-set sex".
That's the one we are most likely to fall victim to.
-
Specifically here in Brother ct's case, she hasn't even brought out the heavy bat yet.
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Sept 7, 2016 9:03:17 GMT -5
nyartgal makes a highly relevant point. There is "re-set sex" - a subject that is generally understood in this group. There is also "re-set conversation" There are also "re-set trying" - The heavy hitter is "re-set sex". That's the one we are most likely to fall victim to. - Specifically here in Brother ct's case, she hasn't even brought out the heavy bat yet. "Yet", so why wait for it? Why set yourself up for an inevitable downfall, full of long term consequences? Fortunately your fog ( fear, obligation, guilt), has lifted. CT, you sound like you have moved to the next stage, where you are now ready to reject the rejector. |
|
|
|
Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 7, 2016 9:23:21 GMT -5
I think CT has committed to the process with the therapy for 3 months so there'll be a few more ups and downs to come!
|
|
|
|
Post by nyartgal on Sept 7, 2016 9:55:11 GMT -5
The most effective refusers use a combination of all the reset activities: sex, excuses, pleas for more time, empty gestures signifying "trying," etc. That's why it's crucial to only look at their actions and their consequences on the marriage. Generally, at least for those who make their way here, these actions only serve to reinforce the status quo and the consequence is more of the same, i.e. nothing.
|
|
