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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 19, 2016 6:28:45 GMT -5
The question to ask yourself is not, "What else can I do," but "What is she doing?" I've finally started asking myself that, because I honestly can't think of anything, aside from maybe reacting. Which is what she's also done all week when I've tried to engage her in conversation. I don't know what she's doing, but my patience with it is running shorter and shorter. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 19, 2016 9:25:30 GMT -5
It sounds like you are furious with her right now at the way she is behaving. I know I would be. And you are trying to balance making an effort to be civil and keep things together with feeling absolutely livid underneath. If you can find a bit of space to let go of all the anger for a bit (or beat the crap out of a punchbag for an hour!), I wonder what is left? You might find a calm place underneath it all where you know what you want to do next. You're absolutely right. Unfortunately, I'm also working two simultaneous projects from hell with probably the last organized, most clueless partner firms in the state, under a project manager that lacks the necessary stones to let us do the job the right way. There's a lot of long hours and anger running around, and they're not helping each other. It'll be another week or two before I can breathe a little bit and unload from the work stuff. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 31, 2016 10:03:43 GMT -5
Been a while since I've updated here, but with and real life have left me drained.
Yesterday marked 8 months since we last had sex. We've been married for 15 months- I've officially spent over half my marriage being sexless.
This is also the longest dry spell I've ever gone through since I first started being sexually active. And that's including a deployment to the Pacific and Persian Gulf.
She asked me last week what "absolutely crucial" needs were for this relationship to continue, and of course I mentioned the lack of sex as one of the first things, but she ignored it and wanted to talk instead about us going out and doing things together instead- the only thing she's really been willing to discuss, and it's always framed as a negotiation process.
Had a good talk with my therapist about this on Monday, and we have another couple session this afternoon. I'll write more about what's been going on this evening, but I wanted to at just start getting these thoughts out.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 31, 2016 10:28:06 GMT -5
Please, please, please, read some articles from shrink4men about your narcissist wife!
I am truly concerned for your long term mental health. I fear a single call to the police would greatly damage you.
There are no more nails left to put in this coffin.
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Post by nyartgal on Aug 31, 2016 10:39:25 GMT -5
There is no "there there" in anything your wife says. This is not even an example of moving the goalposts. There are no goalposts because that would presume a goal. She's just throwing out items for you to chase to distract you from the fact that she's not chasing any herself, nor is she setting or pursuing any goals, or interested in your goals. It's an empty vessel of sad attempts to distract you from your own needs. Obviously, she needs some serious, serious psychotherapy and maybe meds if she's this deep in depression. You can't fix her and you can't fix the marriage alone either. I'm sorry.
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 31, 2016 11:12:11 GMT -5
There is no "there there" in anything your wife says. This is not even an example of moving the goalposts. There are no goalposts because that would presume a goal. She's just throwing out items for you to chase to distract you from the fact that she's not chasing any herself, nor is she setting or pursuing any goals, or interested in your goals. It's an empty vessel of sad attempts to distract you from your own needs. Obviously, she needs some serious, serious psychotherapy and maybe meds if she's this deep in depression. You can't fix her and you can't fix the marriage alone either. I'm sorry. My individual therapist, who also does couples counseling, is a big fan of asking pointed questions. Much like he had me ask about why haven't had sex in so long, and I finally got a straight answer out of her about her expectation that I was going to leave. This time, he suggested I ask her if she thinks we've become too different to be compatible any longer. Ask her if she thinks we're too different to be compatible without each of us totally changing who we are. We'll see if she'll answer- but that would mean she'd have to talk to me- which is barely happening again. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2016 12:49:01 GMT -5
Been a while since I've updated here, but with and real life have left me drained. Yesterday marked 8 months since we last had sex. We've been married for 15 months- I've officially spent over half my marriage being sexless. This is also the longest dry spell I've ever gone through since I first started being sexually active. And that's including a deployment to the Pacific and Persian Gulf. She asked me last week what "absolutely crucial" needs were for this relationship to continue, and of course I mentioned the lack of sex as one of the first things, but she ignored it and wanted to talk instead about us going out and doing things together instead- the only thing she's really been willing to discuss, and it's always framed as a negotiation process. Had a good talk with my therapist about this on Monday, and we have another couple session this afternoon. I'll write more about what's been going on this evening, but I wanted to at just start getting these thoughts out. She asks you about your absolute crucial needs, then ignores you and tells you her absolute crucial needs. This would be comical if it wasn't so sad. A better pointed question would be, "Are you willing to go through a mediator or does my attorney need to contact yours?" |
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Post by bballgirl on Aug 31, 2016 12:58:40 GMT -5
You both are obviously not sexually compatible.
With my ex she would have been compatible. Sex was not important to him and he avoided it unless I got extremely bitchy which is so out of character for me but he knew he had to reset me only thing was I didn't know I was being reset.
I think you know what you want. You need to rip the band aid off and get out.
Set a timeline for yourself. She may try to have sex with you but it will only be a reset. You deserve a woman that would want and desire you sexually and that enjoys it for her own pleasure, my God orgasms feel great!!
That is not her.
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 31, 2016 13:52:06 GMT -5
We'll see if she'll answer- but that would mean she'd have to talk to me- which is barely happening again. If she won't even talk to you, then she's already committed to the demise of the marriage, but she's not being mature enough to face it. She's trying to deny what she believes is inevitable; that's a weird mix. I suppose like refusing to euthanize a suffering pet, hoping it'll die and save you from the decision. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 31, 2016 13:56:17 GMT -5
"Finally got a straight answer out of her". It wasn't you that got it out of her either. I'm betting that you question that answer too! You have every right to, she paves the way for Zero trust every time. Right on the heals of zero trust comes zero respect.
Zero communication is a prime weapon of narcissistic behavior. You two will never have a constructive conflict in a healthy way.
Here's a great piece of advice I received from another therapist.
How to Forgive;
Letter writing . Tittle it, " I want to clearly tell you the impact you had on my life" it's time for me to let you go and say good bye. Yes, I'm done.
( Keep this letter for yourself) get a good friend to help you. Get a picture of her, and put it in a chair. When your done reading it, let your friend sit in the chair and give you a big hug ( from all of us at ILIASM!)
This gives you closure.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Aug 31, 2016 14:58:24 GMT -5
Compatibility is the key.
We can't change another person so we accept them or we move on.
She's just not a Tigress, Tiger.
Squeezes xxxxx
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 31, 2016 15:24:18 GMT -5
Compatibility is the key. We can't change another person so we accept them or we move on. She's just not a Tigress, Tiger. Squeezes xxxxx I think she's realizing that more and more, on at least a subconscious level. There was a lot of, "why did you propose?" and "why did you marry me?" that came out today. Along with a lot of us remembering or not remembering things very, very differently. And that's why I keep a journal. |
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Post by cagedtiger on Aug 31, 2016 16:14:51 GMT -5
The lack of sex came up today. Three separate times, as we were talking about how we've been stuck in the same cycle, I mentioned about me asking her about why there's such a lack of intimacy and physical affection in our relationship each time we get to the point of "the talk". She ignored each mention, or deflected back at me for not changing things.
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Post by nyartgal on Aug 31, 2016 17:21:17 GMT -5
I am truly not saying this to hurt your feelings, but I think you have this situation backward. You keep asking yourself if you want to be married to her, but she has already made it clear through every possible means that she regrets marrying you, she doesn't love you (at least not By any definition that would be remotely acceptable to you) and wishes you would just leave her alone already. She even bought you a greeting card to that effect! What else does she have to do before you get the message, since she doesn't have the guts to tell you herself? Change the lock on the front door? What's left??
It doesn't really matter if you want her or not. She doesn't want you.
The problem with talk therapy in this context is that it presumes that the people involved 1. Are capable of expressing themselves verbally 2. Want to do so 3. Are honest. Those of us who have left our SMs can tell you that refusers are not usually able to meet even one of these criteria. You can ask her a million questions. Her evasiveness IS the answer.
Here's my main takeaway from my own SM and I think most of us who left our refusers would probably agree:
Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.
Pay attention to what she DOES (or doesn't do) and you won't need her to say another word. She is telling you how she feels through her actions.
Sorry to be so brutal. I hope this helps in some way.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 31, 2016 17:47:13 GMT -5
"Why did you propose?", " why did you marry me?" E*V*E*R*Y*T*H*I*N*G*. Is your fault!!
This mentality will remain for the rest of her life.
Let her go. Call an attorney.
Wright on those boxes " communication" because that's what will continue to happen. Communication gets stored on the shelf, for " later" that never comes.
Truly sorry friend! Let us be here for you!
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