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Post by ted on Aug 19, 2016 18:32:43 GMT -5
"What would you do with the request for a six-month commitment? She wants my guarantee that I won't stop the counseling sessions, won't stop the three texts per week  , won't proceed with the divorce, and won't have a relationship with someone else until at least six months have elapsed."... What is she committing to during these six months? The same. Since she gave a list, I asked that I be allowed to speak with her individual counselor about the progress they've made in the last two years, and that she take a psychiatric evaluation aimed at assessing emotional and attachment issues. She laughed in my face, said it was a ridiculous ask, and said we were over, right there and right then. And then, as always, she reeled it back and said she'd think about it. |
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Post by unmatched on Aug 19, 2016 18:44:02 GMT -5
"What would you do with the request for a six-month commitment? She wants my guarantee that I won't stop the counseling sessions, won't stop the three texts per week , won't proceed with the divorce, and won't have a relationship with someone else until at least six months have elapsed."... What is she committing to during these six months? I think this is the big question. The practical details are one thing, but you need to sit down over a coffee or a bottle of wine and discuss what 'trying' actually looks like. What does it mean to both of you? What do you both think the issues are you have to deal with and how are you going to start doing that? And do you both have the same picture of where you want to end up? If you can't do that much together then you are not committing to anything with any meaning, and your relationship has zero chance of changing significantly during that time. Given what you have said today about your relationship history it is a good time to start being calm and solid and standing your ground, and to see whether the two of you can learn to communicate without her dictating the pace all the time and you trying to appease her. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2016 20:15:39 GMT -5
"What would you do with the request for a six-month commitment? She wants my guarantee that I won't stop the counseling sessions, won't stop the three texts per week , won't proceed with the divorce, and won't have a relationship with someone else until at least six months have elapsed."... What is she committing to during these six months? I think this is the big question. The practical details are one thing, but you need to sit down over a coffee or a bottle of wine and discuss what 'trying' actually looks like. What does it mean to both of you? What do you both think the issues are you have to deal with and how are you going to start doing that? And do you both have the same picture of where you want to end up? If you can't do that much together then you are not committing to anything with any meaning, and your relationship has zero chance of changing significantly during that time. Given what you have said today about your relationship history it is a good time to start being calm and solid and standing your ground, and to see whether the two of you can learn to communicate without her dictating the pace all the time and you trying to appease her. Just me, I'd also insist on an agreement on what happens after six months. I would bet her answer would be "reassess." I wouldn't accept that. This has to have a shelf life. Six months here, a reassessment there, next thing you know she's manipulated you into five more sexless years. Me, I'd say if I'm not seeing significant movement in the direction I want in six months, I'm filing for divorce (or moving out or whatever the first step is in your jurisdiction to set the divorce in motion). No consequences, no change. It'll never happen. She will say six months isn't enough time to get over being abandoned in a Russian orphanage. Then what's the bloody point of marital counseling? She will need years of therapy for herself to get over that. And she's already had years to work on it. Has she? |
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Post by DryCreek on Aug 20, 2016 0:34:29 GMT -5
ted, you raise a fair question. Truthfully, I'd be hard-pressed not to give the 6 months, but I'd be expecting progress a month or two in. Not waiting for the full-court press in the 6th month. But here's an idea from the Utopian Institute for Rational Thought in Divorce Negotiation... You have something she wants (6 months for a recovery plan). She has something you want (a peaceful end to the limbo). I'm betting your state might have a 1-year separation / cool-down period, as apparently many do? How about this... While she's in a negotiating mood, you two work out fair terms for the divorce *now* - alimony, assets, etc. in a binding, properly-structured, notarized agreement. (Spend the money and use a qualified lawyer to do it right, not back-of-the-napkin.) In exchange, you agree to legitimately try her solution for X months. Ideally, you would overlap time by filing uncontested now to start the clock ticking for all legal concerns; then you spend much of the required cool-down period trying her solution. If that fails, the divorce defaults to being final; if it works out, you cancel the filing. Now, the human dynamic may blow this idea out of the water. She may claim that a) if she signs, then you have no reason to try, b) if she succeeds, you might still walk, and c) with this fate looming, she won't be able to succeed. All valid concerns. Conversely, you could claim that a) you could commit and she might not make the effort; b) if it doesn't succeed, there is no guarantee that she will cooperate with a fair divorce; and c) her deadline is 6 months earlier than the end of the cool-down period, so there is no time pressure other than her own deadline. In the end, she wants something from you. And it's a fair exchange that she should agree to an equitable settlement. Neither of you has much to lose in terms of time or assets with this arrangement. And if things don't work out, neither of you gains unfairly from the other. You spend a little money up-front on the legal fees that may not be needed, but it pales in comparison to what a drawn-out negotiation/fight will cost. At least, it sounds good on paper... DC
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Post by Rhapsodee on Aug 26, 2016 20:51:37 GMT -5
TED! (I'm yelling) SNAP OUT OF IT!
I'm hoping you wake up one morning (very soon) with the realization that she has you exactly as she wants you. You don't need this abuse any more.
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Post by deleted on Aug 31, 2016 18:20:29 GMT -5
Ted - let's flip your original question around? What if she's not about to change? How much more of your life are you willing to invest in this relationship? You only have so much time. Do you really want to be with a person that treats you the way you are being treated?
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, won't proceed with the divorce, and won't have a relationship with someone else until at least six months have elapsed."...
