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Post by ted on Jul 17, 2016 14:27:54 GMT -5
I moved out over two years ago, and still can’t find the certainty or courage to push the divorce through. We both have lawyers, and papers have been drawn up for over a year, but nobody pushes the go button.
What if she changes the minute it’s officially over and I have to watch her give what I’ve always wanted to somebody else? I’ve spent fifteen years hoping that tomorrow would bring that change; it’s so hard to turn it off.
I know the advice here, few if any ever change. She says she’s changed and I’d see if I tried again, but I’m not convinced she even knows what was missing, and she did and still does blame me. It’s all so confusing. She’s confusing. My feelings are confusing. I'm so tired.
(I’m a long time lurker. Thanks to all for what you’ve shared over the years. It was a lifeline to discover I wasn’t alone in my experiences and feelings.)
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jul 17, 2016 14:52:26 GMT -5
I hate to say it, but after this long, things probably will not change between you. I was in an SM for 10+ of the 16 we were married. After I left and the divorce was final, he found someone new within a few months, and I know they have been intimate, plus they are now married. Giving up hope is such a difficult thing, but we cannot wait and wait and wait for something that may never happen; do you want to spend the rest of your life hoping, or do you want to give yourself a chance of healing, then finding happiness with someone new?
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 17, 2016 15:02:49 GMT -5
I hate to say it, but after this long, things probably will not change between you. I was in an SM for 10+ of the 16 we were married. After I left and the divorce was final, he found someone new within a few months, and I know they have been intimate, plus they are now married. Giving up hope is such a difficult thing, but we cannot wait and wait and wait for something that may never happen; do you want to spend the rest of your life hoping, or do you want to give yourself a chance of healing, then finding happiness with someone new? Just to add onto that, if... If there was a sudden, drastic turn around, would you trust it? For how long? Now you have another major issue to deal with along side the 15 yrs of rejection. That trust responsibility would lie very heavy on her shoulders. Do you think she would place it on yours? More blame? The odds are stacked highly against a trusting intimate sex filled relationship. |
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Post by ggold on Jul 17, 2016 15:07:14 GMT -5
I hate to say it, but after this long, things probably will not change between you. I was in an SM for 10+ of the 16 we were married. After I left and the divorce was final, he found someone new within a few months, and I know they have been intimate, plus they are now married. Giving up hope is such a difficult thing, but we cannot wait and wait and wait for something that may never happen; do you want to spend the rest of your life hoping, or do you want to give yourself a chance of healing, then finding happiness with someone new? I agree with what misssunnybunny said. You are so close to being a free man. You are young. Deep in your heart, you probably know things will not change. Be courageous and move forward. The unknown is scary as is change. As stated above, give yourself that chance of happiness now. Don't go back. I am still living in my SM. I wish I could turn back the clock to when I was your age and have exited knowing what I know now. So, here I am with three young children trying to gather my courage to move on. It's not easy. :-( |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2016 15:22:41 GMT -5
Welcome Ted. If you and she both still want to try, what would be the harm in dating? What good might come of it? Nothing says if you tried dating again you couldn't still choose to go through with the divorce right? Just make sure you don't do anything irreversible like getting her pregnant until you're sure about staying or going. I wish you the best whatever you choose.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jul 17, 2016 15:26:47 GMT -5
If she hasn't previously been willing to address the root causes of her issues, and you don't think she has now, why would she in the future?
And believe me when I say there are others out there who are all the things you already want, without needing "fixing." You owe it to yourself to seek that out instead.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 17, 2016 15:35:46 GMT -5
What if she changes the minute it’s officially over and I have to watch her give what I’ve always wanted to somebody else? I’ve spent fifteen years hoping that tomorrow would bring that change; it’s so hard to turn it off. I know the advice here, few if any ever change. She says she’s changed and I’d see if I tried again, but I’m not convinced she even knows what was missing, and she did and still does blame me. It's extraordinarily unlikely she will change the minute it's over. If she did then you would know a couple things right away. That she had the ability to make the change but choose not to for you. In which case you have further evidence of how little she cares about you. And if she starts giving what you have always wanted to someone else you again have the evidence of how little she cares about you. She says she's changed. Ask her how she has changed? What was the catalyst for the change after all this time. Ask her to tell you what was missing. Surely you told her often enough when you were together. See if any of the talks actually stuck in her head. Knowing her as you do how likely is it that any change will be meaningful or likely to be permanent? Most likely any change will be cosmetic in nature and of short duration. Resetting the frequency quota is common in ILIASM but few resets last more than a couple months and when the refuser feels you are back under control it will be business as usual. What does she blame you for? It's pretty common for a refuser to gaslight their partner and try to turn the situation so it seems they are justified in their behavior. The refused often share a portion of the blame for a S/M. But if she still blames you that is still another indication she hasn't changed really. My X acknowledged her actions and she knew what the eventual outcome of those actions was likely to be. But that knowledge did not bring about a change in her. It's nearly impossible for a leopard to change their spots. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 17, 2016 15:44:07 GMT -5
It sounds like you still love her and I did my ex for so many years with all of his bullshit. I'm sorry you are struggling but you need to go after the future you want for yourself and it doesn't sound like she is the woman that is capable of loving you the way you need to be loved.
Find your happiness. The fact that you are living apart for 2 years sounds like the paperwork is just an informality. You've been living the single life.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 17, 2016 15:55:58 GMT -5
I sometimes wonder whether it isn't going to take being with someone else for my wife to be able to change. Whether there isn't too much history between us and if she got with someone else it would be much easier for her to make a fresh start. But I would rather see us both happy with new partners than miserable together.
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Post by Pinkberry on Jul 17, 2016 16:18:54 GMT -5
The fact that she still blames you is the biggest red flag, but not the only one. She sees the problems as your fault.
Let's also address your fear that she will change and give someone else what you deserve. She probably will. It likely won't last though, just like it didn't last with you. And if it does, more power to her to be happy. It still leaves you free to find someone to be happy with as well, someone who hasn't hurt you and refused you and blamed you. The fact is, you don't like how the relationship was and there is nothing in your post that says any significant change has taken place.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You have to let go of the idea of what she might or might not do if you divorce. It's not where your focus should be. When exactly do you expect the focus to be on you, instead of her?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2016 16:36:05 GMT -5
I moved out over two years ago, and still can’t find the certainty or courage to push the divorce through. We both have lawyers, and papers have been drawn up for over a year, but nobody pushes the go button. What if she changes the minute it’s officially over and I have to watch her give what I’ve always wanted to somebody else? I’ve spent fifteen years hoping that tomorrow would bring that change; it’s so hard to turn it off. I know the advice here, few if any ever change. She says she’s changed and I’d see if I tried again, but I’m not convinced she even knows what was missing, and she did and still does blame me. It’s all so confusing. She’s confusing. My feelings are confusing. I'm so tired. (I’m a long time lurker. Thanks to all for what you’ve shared over the years. It was a lifeline to discover I wasn’t alone in my experiences and feelings.) If she changes as soon as you push the red button wouldn't that make it pretty clear you've endured fifteen years of manipulation? If that's not already clear? If she did that I'd feel more sorry for the next sucker than for you. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 17, 2016 16:57:21 GMT -5
I hope this helps you deal with some of the confusion. My councilor once asked me, " how would you feel if you found out your wife was having an affair?" My response was, " great! , more power to her, I would be happy for her. That would give me a socially acceptable ,logical, reasonable ,explanation for this whole mess!"
Not even thinking, why him instead of me? What did I do wrong? Will I ever be worthy? Nope. None of those things. Just having that blame gone would be worth it. This group, counceling, and study, have shown me , that having a controlling, sexless spouse is more than an acceptable reason!
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Post by baza on Jul 17, 2016 18:01:36 GMT -5
"If" your missus has changed, there would be obvious evidence of such change.
For example, she'd by now have a new bloke and would be enthusiastically rooting said bloke.
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I gather from your post that this is NOT the case, so you can rest assured that no magical metamorphosis has taken place.
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In any event, what she does or doesn't do now passed in to irrelevancy quite some time back.
What she is currently doing (or not doing) are matters over which you have no control anyway.
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You might do well to focus on you, your aspirations and your future.
These are matters that you DO have control over.
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One other thing - refusers stock in trade is to hold the "I might be about to change" carrot out in front of you in some variant or other, up to and including a bit of tawdry "re-set sex" from time to time.
But the aim is NOT to change the status quo, the aim is to maintain the status quo.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2016 18:19:30 GMT -5
sounds like you are more concerned about her screwing someone else, rather then yourself. Of course you could tear up the papers and get back together and prevent her from having sex with someone else.
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Post by ted on Jul 17, 2016 22:24:59 GMT -5
First, thank you all for your replies. After following this community for so long, it's surreal to see you talk about my story. This really is happening to me, isn't it.  I hate to say it, but after this long, things probably will not change between you. I was in an SM for 10+ of the 16 we were married. After I left and the divorce was final, he found someone new within a few months, and I know they have been intimate, plus they are now married. Giving up hope is such a difficult thing, but we cannot wait and wait and wait for something that may never happen; do you want to spend the rest of your life hoping, or do you want to give yourself a chance of healing, then finding happiness with someone new? I'm sorry, that must have been hard to watch. Logically, I want to stop hoping, but a part of me that doesn't seem affected by logic won't stop. Hope is the only way I survived loving her yet being treated like this for our entire marriage of fifteen years. (Yeah, it started on our wedding night. I don't even have good years at which to point back.) I was supposed to hope and to try hard like that. Now it's so hard to know when and how to cut it off. |
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