What if she’s about to change?

Thank you, and ditto.


Thank you for your concern. Yes, I've been seeing two counselors nearly weekly for about two years. I had such high hopes that counseling would help. It has and it hasn't. There are many ways in which I've grown, and of course I'd never want to give those up. It hasn't helped me make the decision to stay or leave, and I sometimes wonder whether it's made it harder to decide. Your thoughts on my counselors would be very welcome.

The one guy is about my age (late 30's). He frustrates me. He shuts me down pretty quickly if I talk about my wife, it's "all about me." He says I feel the way I do about the things my wife does or doesn't do (the anger and the lack of intimacy) because they trigger wounds from my childhood, and that my work is to figure out what my childhood wounds come from and heal those. I keep asking if once I've healed those wounds her anger and distance won't affect me, and he seems to say yes. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but he's very consistent with it. Note I didn't come in complaining about my childhood. I was raised in a good home by loving and present parents who are about to celebrate 40 years. Sure, with some digging I've seen that my childhood wasn't as perfect as I believed. My dad was quite angry for many years, my mom controlling, and they weren't very happy together until these last few years. That's affected me in ways, to be sure, and it's been valuable to become aware of it and grow. But he frames absolutely everything in this perspective.

Just this week, I said, "I understand how this could apply in many, many cases, but are there maybe at least a few things unique to marriage that might be new issues that don't map back to childhood? For example, my soul is crushed by my wife's sexual rejection. Surely that's not because it's triggering some past wound like disappointment that I didn't receive sex from my mom and dad."

His response was "Well, not exactly, but how did you feel when your father was angry and wasn't as close to you as you wanted? Your wife is triggering those things. You need to heal from those stories and those hurts. You need to explain to your wife that her behavior reminds you of those hurts from your childhood, and not blame her for your feelings."

He always talks about the things I need to do differently to build intimacy with my wife. When we had the opportunity for a joint session, he coached me to go in there and talk about all the ways I destroyed our relationship and my childhood hurts and how they're sometimes triggered by her but really about me.

I usually leave his office confused about which ways are up and down, how much of this might be my fault after all and therefore under my control to change, whether it could all be fixed if I'd just stop holding out for signs of life from her and handle things better---just like she says. I know that's probably not the way you're supposed to feel when you leave your therapist, but I'm afraid if I hunted for one who makes me feel better, I'd just be running from the uncomfortable truth of whatever I'm suppose to be learning, looking for a yes man.


This seems important. Proactivity is certainly called for, especially when one has stalled out as badly as I have.

ted in some ways your therapist is right, the only thing you can do is work on yourself. On the other hand if you were a smack addict and all your friends were into smack he would be advising you to get a new social life. There is a strong belief amongst a lot of counsellors that you need to be strong and independent and that this is the most important thing about a relationship. It is true to a point, but in a relationship everything you do affects the other person and we are hard wired to form strong attachments to our partner. These are not neuroses, these are healthy emotional bonds. If you spend your whole life trying to bond with somebody who knocks you back over and over again it is going to have a detrimental effect on your wellbeing. If your counsellor can't see that then he either lacks the experience to understand it or has blocks of his own. If I were in your shoes I would be moving on.

ted, it doesn't sound to me like you're getting much out of your sessions with this man. You already know what he's going to say before you bring up anything. Yes, it's true that our childhood shapes us and you can make a reasonable sounding case for any issue being tracked back to some lack in our childhood, but that's just a piece of who we are. What do we DO with that information? How do we move past the negative choices and patterns it creates?

And I'm sorry, but he just sounds like a numbnuts when it comes to a SM. To just ignore the damage that repeated refusals will do to a person's soul is just, well let's just say it's not helpful. Blaming myself for my marital problems is a big part of what kept me married for so long. I worked on "my" issues for years and while I think I became a stronger, kinder, better person, guess what - it didn't affect my marriage much. It certainly didn't make my husband love me or want to be intimate with me. When I stopped blaming myself for the sexless part of my marriage is when I was able to get clarity about the whole situation. That resulted in me leaving. (As Baz would say, your mileage may vary.)

If your counselor isn't helping you feel stronger and more clear, then it's time to move on. Remember, you're the customer here - if it isn't working for you, then you don't need to keeping paying for it. I'm a big fan of counseling, but not every counselor is a perfect match for every person and sometimes even if it was a good match initially, your needs change and it doesn't work anymore.

Ah, Ted. I'm so sorry. She's as scared as you are but for different reasons. She's keeping you bound to her with empty promises. Breaking free will be like sawing off one of your own limbs.
Sometimes, you need to do the exact opposite of what makes sense. Sometimes you need to enter through the back door and then dance out the front.

First, keep the divorce moving. Do not under any circumstances call it off.

Try doing the opposite of what everyone says or thinks. Start dating her again.
Treat her like a new girlfriend. The wait three months before sex and no kissing on first date. Shake hands or give her a chaste hug as you drop her at her door.
Hold her back.
Don't let her lure you into bed.
Make her play the game.
You are in control.
Don't let her lure you into bed. No matter how much you think you want her.
Continue the dating process until you figure it all out.
Don't let her lure you into bed.
Do I need I say that again?

I should clarify; I will try to date my wife, not Ted's lol

Thank you for the sympathy, Rhapsodee. I used that very analogy, sawing of a limb, with my counselor on Friday.

What would it look like to keep the divorce moving? She perceives the divorce as quite a hostile act on my part. I'm not sure what she'd make of dating at the same time I'm asking her to negotiate and sign the remaining paperwork.

In fact, she repeatedly refuses to talk seriously about our issues or whether and why we'd want to be together until we have a commitment in place to "try" for a guaranteed length of time. I'm not certain what trying means to her. I've been trying to talk and relate for months and months, but she doesn't reciprocate or participate. But don't worry, apparently she'll start trying right after I make a commitment. Everything is always in the future for one reason or another.

It'll suck ass a lot, but if that happens, be thankful that you are free of her because she was unwilling to treat you the way you wish to be treated. That just shows how fucked up she is.

In my twenties, I dated a chick who claimed to love me, but would never engage in any physical contact. After I split, she got involved with a guy and started giving it up. If I had married her, I might have ended up in a sexless marriage. Wait that did happen, but much later with a different woman.

In my current relationship, she seems like like me a bit, but just doesn't want to have sex.

Anyway, if she gives other people what you wanted, it proves she wasn't right for you. She is a bitch. Walk away and don't look back.