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Post by lwoetin on Jul 20, 2016 3:45:29 GMT -5
Which leaves me with the option of staying and coping. That's a hard road, and the path I've walked for 25+ years. But there's a gnawing sense that life could be so much more. Having a much clearer picture of my situation also brings a sense of hopelessness; a realization that the intimacy I crave can never be found where I am. For me, it creates a painful moral dilemma. DC, you are a nice guy. 25+ years is already sentence served. You have to be passionate and vocal of your needs now...before your marriage becomes really hopeless. I think passion begets passion. And hopefully a passionate relationship results instead of a UFC slugfest . Good luck.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Jul 21, 2016 7:54:13 GMT -5
[insert patented SmartKat rant about how frigid bitches take all the good guys out of the dating pool. Add some "what have they got that I haven't got?" Tall skinny hot blonde? That could be it....I'm a short, curvy woman with brown hair. Were the guys who said I was hot lying to make me feel better?] I added on my own little story that I can relate with these guys. However, being 5'10" between 125 and 135 lbs, I have a slender build. Yet I married a well endowed 5' 4" short curvy woman, with brown hair. ( with some curves too short and others protruding too much) I was so set on, it's the person that matters. She has no experience how can that be bad? Everyone likes sex, right? And the old philosophy, you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it, was countered with, no one buys used underwear!. honestly, my mind is filled with doubt! One side says, can you truly find another short, heavy, curvy woman attractive again? Will she remind you to much of someone else? Then there's the flip side, will a slender woman like a slender man like yourself? When a short curvy woman tells you that they desire a "big" heavy man, it can fill your head with doubt. That stereotype begins to infiltrate my mind. As smilin61 once told me, "they have never met you, they hardly know you, that's there problem to deal with, you have to get used to that and let it go." GC, I didn't read the comments after this one and wanted to give my two cents..I honestly don't think looks have anything to do with sexlessness..If before marriage she showed little interest in sex, then believe that..People, based on the comments I've read so far, thought they could change their partners into what they desired in the bedroom...However, we've all learned that is a very flawed way of thinking... You have mentioned your weight many times, many women would be physically attracted to you...However, it's also about personality and chemistry..There's someone for everyone out there, it just takes time ..
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2016 8:55:44 GMT -5
I agree, Isabellas39 . It's really not about the exact appearance of your face or your body. There really is someone for everyone. As for appearance being the reason for SM? Not in my case. I've been every weight and every color hair with him - none of it mattered. I'll add to all of this that confidence in your own body (and ideally, a fit one at that - whatever fit looks like to you) is a HUGE factor in turning up your wattage. I am no swimsuit model, but when I am feeling confident in my skin and when I am strong, as I feel now, well, something comes together. People look. It's like it oozes from your pores. So, my advice to all of us here is - turn up the wattage. Get fit. Take care of yourself. Forget the refuser in your life. Do it for you! And when you do leave, look at what you'll have to offer. greatcoastal, I know you hit the gym. I bet you look great. Own that. Be confident. The right girl for you will turn up. So long as you don't try too hard and aren't too desperate. DryCreek , not trying to hijack here. Sorry, man.
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Post by JMX on Jul 22, 2016 22:58:23 GMT -5
I added on my own little story that I can relate with these guys. However, being 5'10" between 125 and 135 lbs, I have a slender build. Yet I married a well endowed 5' 4" short curvy woman, with brown hair. ( with some curves too short and others protruding too much) I was so set on, it's the person that matters. She has no experience how can that be bad? Everyone likes sex, right? And the old philosophy, you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it, was countered with, no one buys used underwear!. honestly, my mind is filled with doubt! One side says, can you truly find another short, heavy, curvy woman attractive again? Will she remind you to much of someone else? Then there's the flip side, will a slender woman like a slender man like yourself? When a short curvy woman tells you that they desire a "big" heavy man, it can fill your head with doubt. That stereotype begins to infiltrate my mind. As smilin61 once told me, "they have never met you, they hardly know you, that's there problem to deal with, you have to get used to that and let it go." GC, I didn't read the comments after this one and wanted to give my two cents..I honestly don't think looks have anything to do with sexlessness..If before marriage she showed little interest in sex, then believe that..People, based on the comments I've read so far, thought they could change their partners into what they desired in the bedroom...However, we've all learned that is a very flawed way of thinking... You have mentioned your weight many times, many women would be physically attracted to you...However, it's also about personality and chemistry..There's someone for everyone out there, it just takes time .. Exactly!! I would not be attracted to a small man. I want someone to pick me up and throw me against a wall. I had a gray-ish area in dating - he had to be big enough to pick me up, but not so big that he could throw me across a room. Not attracted to muscle-bound guys. Not in the least. To me - gross. but... A man that loves pussy would be a dream. My h and I have been better really, on all areas. Not sure how to maintain that so, it is up to him! But.... Big butt... I think he steels himself for my vagina. what do I mean? The rest is graphic - fair warning: I think he THINKS I smell. Do I smell differently? I don't think I do! Even after kids - I smell the same as I did when I was a teenager, depending on different cycles. I never had a problem then - I had an ex that loved eating me. Seriously, it was his fave and he tried to go down when it wasn't a good time... So... What is it? Husband got drunk the other night - we had a more-than-decent romp! But! He woke up sober and proceeded to seriously wash his hands. For long periods of time. He is not a vagina- lover. I knew this before getting with him - that is my fault. Please - if you are reading this and single, if you do not have a disease and clean daily, please consider if he is a vagina lover before marriage.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 22, 2016 23:35:59 GMT -5
JMX I am so with you on that. I think for some people the smell, taste and feel of another body is intoxicating (as it is supposed to be, that's what pheromones are there for!). For others it is more like Eww why would I ever want to do that? There is just nothing there. I guess it doesn't really matter if they are broken or just different, but I don't get how they can not feel anything
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Post by JMX on Jul 23, 2016 0:10:13 GMT -5
JMX I am so with you on that. I think for some people the smell, taste and feel of another body is intoxicating (as it is supposed to be, that's what pheromones are there for!). For others it is more like Eww why would I ever want to do that? There is just nothing there. I guess it doesn't really matter if they are broken or just different, but I don't get how they can not feel anything I do not get it either - except! I do not want him as much now, either. I don't want to lick his balls or suck his Dick. It's not because he smells like sex, it's because - well, I am not into it anymore. It fucking bores me to tears and causes me mouth wrinkles I cannot afford at 39 (I have a small mouth and am only MILDLY interested anymore). I keed. (Kind of) So, take it for what it was worth - which was absolutely nothing. I just dropped my hair clip in my margarita, licked the hair clip and put it back in my hair. Every part of me is sticky, and not in a meaningful way.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 23, 2016 1:00:00 GMT -5
JMX I am so with you on that. I think for some people the smell, taste and feel of another body is intoxicating (as it is supposed to be, that's what pheromones are there for!). For others it is more like Eww why would I ever want to do that? There is just nothing there. I guess it doesn't really matter if they are broken or just different, but I don't get how they can not feel anything I do not get it either - except! I do not want him as much now, either. I don't want to lick his balls or suck his Dick. It's not because he smells like sex, it's because - well, I am not into it anymore. It fucking bores me to tears and causes me mouth wrinkles I cannot afford at 39 (I have a small mouth and am only MILDLY interested anymore). I keed. (Kind of) So, take it for what it was worth - which was absolutely nothing. I just dropped my hair clip in my margarita, licked the hair clip and put it back in my hair. Every part of me is sticky, and not in a meaningful way. You are such a bad girl
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 23, 2016 5:13:17 GMT -5
JMX what a shit he is. There is no better way of making a woman feel like crap than making her feel like she is not normal and this is the most soul destroying method possible. You will find your pussy lover. I know it. We all deserve one! I'm on the double whammy this week, I'm a refusers dream. I'm hairy and menstruating. What do you reckon are my chances of a lovinf experience ha ha. Same as most days! Xx
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Post by petrushka on Jul 24, 2016 6:26:04 GMT -5
I'm tall skinny and blonde-ish. It's not the packaging that counts. I didn't ask to be lanky. It's how I was born and has contributed hugely to my own personal self depreciation. I always just wanted to be normal size with a decent pair of boobs! We all want what we've not got. And we probably would be no happier if we had it. Something else would miff us about ourselves instead. Yeah, such irony. You'd be my aesthetic ideal. And somehow I've ended up marrying shorter women with bigger boobs. But, as you say, the packaging is really not what counts. Be proud! Be glad: S. says hers (apparently even bigger when she was young) used to hurt like hell just walking down the street, never mind jogging.
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Post by petrushka on Jul 24, 2016 6:33:00 GMT -5
Whoa, this thread has wandered. Meandered ... Just wanted to say DryCreek and @creelunion : I am gobsmacked. How you put up with that kind of brutal rejection. It turns my stomach if I try to think myself into your shoes. That would just be way way way past my line in the sand.
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Post by jim44444 on Jul 24, 2016 7:22:16 GMT -5
Whoa, this thread has wandered. Meandered ... petrushka, the best threads always wander, they inspire thought and discussion.
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Post by petrushka on Jul 24, 2016 15:30:09 GMT -5
My point is having that raw and honest conversation and telling the person you love what you need from them should really tell a story by their response: 1) are they honest? 2) do they get emotional in a positive way when you bare your soul? 3) are they willing to genuinely work on it? 4) do they love you enough to set you free? THIS!
You listed the essentials, the minimal baseline. ... and that's exactly why I haven't walked out, because I got all 4 boxes ticked when we had The Talk. box 5: resumption of physical intimacy - yes with a caution: she doesn't respond sexually - she likely never will. *** Someone who just rejects me out of hand and doesn't respond to overtures is not going to stay in my life. I was set up to respond to just that: my mother's love was always conditional, always tied to some thing that had to be done first and then turned out to be unobtainable anyway because nothing was ever right, ever good enough for her (I'll say this much, while I was jelly in her hands, pre-school, she loved me unconditionally, and I think that's where I got the foundation for my self esteem and my experience of loving and being loved) - but once I started to become a person, with my own likes, my own ideas, that was the end of it. As far as my mum was concerned, my head was getting invaded by aliens. And so I was used to struggle trying to attain love from someone who wasn't going to give it, conditioned that this was my 'normal'. But I figured out in my 20s already that if somebody does NOT want to connect, does NOT want to take their turn at taking the initiative to relate, to show you they're really into you, then there are better ways of pissing your life against the wall. In fact, my first gf had me at the point where I wanted to jump off the balcony when I realized how unresponsive she had become, when I realized that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life like this and I got the horrors and decided that that was no solution for the better either. So I had it out with her and ended the 'relationship' status to 'friendship' status - there and then, naked on my bed at 1am. Don't forget, I'm an existentialist, I know that this is the only life I am going to get, and there's no value in wasting it senselessly on something that's never going to grow. And giving it back prematurely is certainly not the sensible thing to do, that's just the baby throwing its toys out of the pram. If I'm honest, I have my moments of doubt about my marriage despite the aforementioned. But it is still growing and developing, so I'm kind of sitting on the fence. It's been hard on me these last few weeks and months, because we're just moving into the next stage of our lives here, and I was struggling to decide if I wanted to keep going together, or if I wanted a "clean start". But the existentialist loneliness is always with me, even when I am balls deep in someone. Literally. I just have to make myself let go and live in the moment, enjoy what I am getting sip by sip. And - on some level it's always going to be like that.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 24, 2016 15:50:11 GMT -5
petrushka - your box 5 is a great point, I can't believe I missed that one but I think when I was making the list it was coming from a jaded mind and the experience of never receiving that affection and intimacy. I'm glad for you that you and your wife have a level of intimacy that brings you comfort. I can relate to what you wrote about your mother. I feel I am that way with my children and I try to help them understand to have certain expectations for themselves with their friends in the way they should be treated. There is a clear difference in the way my children experience love for me vs. their father. His love is conditional, controlling, demeaning, manipulative and the best he has to offer. My children get unconditional love from me and they recognize the difference. They see one is healthy and one is unhealthy. I tend to be more live in the moment kind of people but I enjoy my days alone too. I think both are good as long as there is balance and being cognizant of the live in the moment exrra effort you may have to put forth is a great thing to be aware of.
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