Post by DryCreek on Jul 15, 2016 16:04:16 GMT -5
My situation is not typical ILIASM... it's closer to the asexual end of the spectrum. There are a couple of guys here who seem to be in a similar boat.
The short-ish version...
I was young, nerdy, and getting laid by a hot blonde. What more was there to know? I didn't care that she wasn't into romance, making out, or foreplay - she just wanted to get down to business and be done. That was a good thing, right? Of course, I also didn't notice that it was always routine; we never had fun with it, it was always vanilla, and never more than once. It was duty sex from day-1, I just never realized it.
Surely, once we got married and left our parents' homes, our sex live would pick up, right? Because, who doesn't like sex? Wrong. Even on the honeymoon, she was more interested in sightseeing than sex. In hindsight, vacations while dating were the same way.
Being the Dark Ages (before Internet), I didn't really have resources to tap, so I had no idea there were others in my situation. I took at face value her claims that I was doing things that put her off. "We" did individual and joint counseling over the better part of 20 years, but mostly I was on my own to sort it out with therapists. She didn't see that she had a problem, wasn't too concerned about the lack of intimacy, and the professionals weren't taking a side. The effort was always about how I should be content with less.
Nearly 20 years in, I tripped across EP like most others do, trying to understand why my marriage was sexless, and what *I* could do to fix it. I came to realize a couple key things - the first being, I can't change it; only she can change it, and she has to be motivated by desire not danger. Second, I became enlightened to the concept of asexuality - that there are some people for whom physical intimacy is neither interesting nor pleasurable, no matter how good you are.
W isn't what I'd imagine as a stereotypical asexual. By all appearances, she's very pretty with sex appeal, and doesn't try to downplay it. But all things sexual don't register on her scale. She "doesn't get" innuendo, nor suggestive flirting. Kissing means a single peck on the lips. Sensual touch, kissing the neck, nibbling ears, etc. meet with backlash, not arousal. Grabbing her butt, touching her breasts, or anything else sexual also meets with backlash - and occasionally duty sex "because I obviously need it". There's nothing like feeling desired, eh?
In W's eyes, she's as sexual as the next woman - except she doesn't have any interest, it never crosses her mind, she doesn't get aroused, nor derive pleasure. In the bedroom, there's no pleasure or even arousal on her part, so no reason to make it "playtime". (e.g., I enjoy giving oral, but she won't let me.) Working backwards from there, she hates everything sensual that could lead to sex. There's just no fire in the furnace, and she takes offense at trying to light it. Though, in the manipulation department, she has never owned this behavior or lack of desire; it's always been blamed on me.
And so, I came to realize the real situation I was in. I was 2 decades deep, so leaving wasn't an easy option. I tried to accept it for what it was and be content with what little intimacy I could get, trying to vent my passion into hobby distractions. That's not so easy, and accepting that fate meant also admitting that I would never have a passionate, intimate relationship. The simple need for a woman to feel pleasure from my touch is overwhelming.
Of the 3 options, an affair doesn't appeal to me. I'm an "all-in" kind of guy - I'm not just looking for sex. I want the whole package... intimacy, sharing a bed, vacations, etc. That's not happening for me on a part-time basis, and I'm not into maintaining a web of deception.
At the same time, divorce isn't an option that comes easily either. I'm loyal to a fault, and commitment and integrity are core to who I am. Not the least of what weighs on my mind is that she hasn't changed - I have. She's been pretty consistent all along. I failed to take a hard line early-on, assuming that it was a fixable issue. Rather late in the game, I'm finding that what I hoped for is probably unattainable.
Which leaves me with the option of staying and coping. That's a hard road, and the path I've walked for 25+ years. But there's a gnawing sense that life could be so much more. Having a much clearer picture of my situation also brings a sense of hopelessness; a realization that the intimacy I crave can never be found where I am. For me, it creates a painful moral dilemma.
With the discovery of this article, I've re-raised the topic with W. I don't expect it can bring meaningful change, because ours is not a matter of restoring something that's been lost. But perhaps there is some value in her realizing how significant intimacy is to me. Where that will lead, I have no idea.
Cheers,
DC
The short-ish version...
I was young, nerdy, and getting laid by a hot blonde. What more was there to know? I didn't care that she wasn't into romance, making out, or foreplay - she just wanted to get down to business and be done. That was a good thing, right? Of course, I also didn't notice that it was always routine; we never had fun with it, it was always vanilla, and never more than once. It was duty sex from day-1, I just never realized it.
Surely, once we got married and left our parents' homes, our sex live would pick up, right? Because, who doesn't like sex? Wrong. Even on the honeymoon, she was more interested in sightseeing than sex. In hindsight, vacations while dating were the same way.
Being the Dark Ages (before Internet), I didn't really have resources to tap, so I had no idea there were others in my situation. I took at face value her claims that I was doing things that put her off. "We" did individual and joint counseling over the better part of 20 years, but mostly I was on my own to sort it out with therapists. She didn't see that she had a problem, wasn't too concerned about the lack of intimacy, and the professionals weren't taking a side. The effort was always about how I should be content with less.
Nearly 20 years in, I tripped across EP like most others do, trying to understand why my marriage was sexless, and what *I* could do to fix it. I came to realize a couple key things - the first being, I can't change it; only she can change it, and she has to be motivated by desire not danger. Second, I became enlightened to the concept of asexuality - that there are some people for whom physical intimacy is neither interesting nor pleasurable, no matter how good you are.
W isn't what I'd imagine as a stereotypical asexual. By all appearances, she's very pretty with sex appeal, and doesn't try to downplay it. But all things sexual don't register on her scale. She "doesn't get" innuendo, nor suggestive flirting. Kissing means a single peck on the lips. Sensual touch, kissing the neck, nibbling ears, etc. meet with backlash, not arousal. Grabbing her butt, touching her breasts, or anything else sexual also meets with backlash - and occasionally duty sex "because I obviously need it". There's nothing like feeling desired, eh?
In W's eyes, she's as sexual as the next woman - except she doesn't have any interest, it never crosses her mind, she doesn't get aroused, nor derive pleasure. In the bedroom, there's no pleasure or even arousal on her part, so no reason to make it "playtime". (e.g., I enjoy giving oral, but she won't let me.) Working backwards from there, she hates everything sensual that could lead to sex. There's just no fire in the furnace, and she takes offense at trying to light it. Though, in the manipulation department, she has never owned this behavior or lack of desire; it's always been blamed on me.
And so, I came to realize the real situation I was in. I was 2 decades deep, so leaving wasn't an easy option. I tried to accept it for what it was and be content with what little intimacy I could get, trying to vent my passion into hobby distractions. That's not so easy, and accepting that fate meant also admitting that I would never have a passionate, intimate relationship. The simple need for a woman to feel pleasure from my touch is overwhelming.
Of the 3 options, an affair doesn't appeal to me. I'm an "all-in" kind of guy - I'm not just looking for sex. I want the whole package... intimacy, sharing a bed, vacations, etc. That's not happening for me on a part-time basis, and I'm not into maintaining a web of deception.
At the same time, divorce isn't an option that comes easily either. I'm loyal to a fault, and commitment and integrity are core to who I am. Not the least of what weighs on my mind is that she hasn't changed - I have. She's been pretty consistent all along. I failed to take a hard line early-on, assuming that it was a fixable issue. Rather late in the game, I'm finding that what I hoped for is probably unattainable.
Which leaves me with the option of staying and coping. That's a hard road, and the path I've walked for 25+ years. But there's a gnawing sense that life could be so much more. Having a much clearer picture of my situation also brings a sense of hopelessness; a realization that the intimacy I crave can never be found where I am. For me, it creates a painful moral dilemma.
With the discovery of this article, I've re-raised the topic with W. I don't expect it can bring meaningful change, because ours is not a matter of restoring something that's been lost. But perhaps there is some value in her realizing how significant intimacy is to me. Where that will lead, I have no idea.
Cheers,
DC
