DryCreek's Story

'What have they got that you haven't?' Largely a whole bunch of neuroses and anxieties and some supremely avoidant behaviour. I am sure we all look very appealing from the outside (well maybe not me!) but there is a strong streak of codependency that runs through this forum, and you have to wonder how many of us actually went and picked women we could look after and take care of and feel martyred for. (OK, perhaps not consciously.) I am hoping we are all learning from our experience, but there is a chance if you had hooked up with one of us all those years ago you might have found yourself being manipulated into being needy and neurotic just so we could have someone to look after. Just my evil thought for the day...

p.s. DC, sorry to stick this on your thread - it really wasn't aimed at you!

I agree in all honesty SM is a mental and an emotional issue not one that is based on physical traits. It's also an incompatibility issue.

unmatched , I think you hit a nail on the head on this one.  I'm glad you said it and not me.  But this is DEFINITELY NOT the case for me.

I had added something to my last post here but then deleted it.  But in the interest of self-deprication, confession, and honesty -- and at the risk of losing any friends I may have on this forum -- DIG THIS:

I actually chose my wife because I was tired of the drama of the women I had dated previously.  She appeared strong -- like she had a self-sufficient ego or something.  For you that have read any of the Ayn Rand books, my wife appeared to be a Dagny Taggart or Dominique Francon without the accomplishment, philosophy, or passion.  What's left you might ask?  Callous Coldness I took for strength and what I believed would result in Mission Accomplishment.  I once told someone -- quite proudly -- that I'd never have to come home to her crying about me or something I had said.  She truly IS indomitable.  

I had started a business a few years earlier, it was taking off, I was traveling frequently, and busy all the time.  I figured we'd join forces and BLA BLA BLA.  No time to rescue a dependent little chick that bawled every time I didn't return a call.  

I've mentioned that many of us are damaged goods.  I was damaged goods before I got married.  I mistook the defensive, closed, damaged goods of my wife for some kind of strength that I figured would serve us both well in the long run.  I've hinted at it before, but I think I got exactly what I deserve, and would have made (or did make) a mess of any decent woman unfortunate enough to cross my path.

To be sure, my wife is quite strong.  If I died tomorrow, she and my kids would be fine.  Strangely, that's somewhat comforting.  But the mess in between is the result of a fools errand.

@smartkat , you ask what these women have that you don't?  I'm sure you know the answer to that.  

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I'm a fixer. It's been in my nature since childhood. No project was too daunting; there usually wasn't any risk in trying, because the stuff was already broken.  And more often than not, my repairs were successful.

For better or worse, this led me to a sense of adventure, fearlessness, and a habit of assessing things for their potential (and not being deterred by their present state). It's proven to be an asset in business, but I've learned that it's a liability when assessing people (across the board).

No, that's not it.  

It's nothing really, just competition and chemistry.  Not sexual chemistry, but molecules in motion with higher affinity for certain bonding sites than other molecules.  @helentishappy , can you help me out here?

Most women like their men to be taller than they are. So, the taller they are, the smaller the pool of "Acceptable" men. Take a 5'11" woman that wants to wear heels and not dwarf a date. Men have to be 6'1" to get a second look. And that really narrows the swath of men available to them. Then add general looks, financial success, cultural, racial, and religious requirements, and when these chicks find a match, they go after it like Jordan to the hoop.

Shorter women don't have these requirements.  Their swath is much wider.  Many of them aren't completely comfortable with a "Freakishly Tall" man.  (I've heard that at 6'2").  My experience was that taller women seemed to glom on to me with more ferocity than shorter ones did.  I asked once (not my wife) and that was the answer I got.  

To be fair, my wife never "Pushed me Away" until I asked her to marry me.  There were other indicators of problems that I chose to ignore, but that wasn't one of them.

Again, maybe just the randomness of molecules in motion, or not formulating and executing a plan.  The failure to Execute the Plan was what happened to me.  I had a plan -- albeit a fatally flawed one.  But executing that flawed one would have been better than the non-plan I did execute.

@smartkat , did you have a plan?  Maybe when you were 18 or 22 years old?  

I did.  It had me getting married at 27 after completing two major tasks and dating a very specific woman for two years.  The first task took a little longer than I had anticipated and I got side-tracked until 29 where I was living somewhere the specific woman was not available.  So I had to move to a place where I figured I could launch task #3 (impromptu insertion into the plan) AND find suitable woman.  Task #3 was more time consuming and frankly seductive than I anticipated, so I found myself at 32 still without specific woman, so I bent some rules, ad libbed a little and got way off track.  

It's hard to say what exactly I would change if I could go back in time.  The thought scares me.  I think I'd make things even worse.  Had a very vivid dream about that once and woke up in a pool of sweat.