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Post by ggold on Jul 8, 2016 17:48:10 GMT -5
I am trying to deal with his emotions.
He went yesterday to his first individual therapy session. He came home last night and looked upset, but held it together. He said he was comfortable with the therapist. I didn't ask too many questions.
Today, he woke me up to say good-bye as he was going to work. I could tell he was barely holding it together. Almost broke down in tears on the way out.
I texted him and asked how he was doing. He said ok.
He came home from work with a miserable look on his face. Kind of slammed his work bag down on the table. I asked him what was wrong. He said he had the worst day ever at work. I asked was it work related or personal. He said personal and he broke down in his office. A friend of his saw him and tried to talk to him, apparently. (She recently divorced I just found out.) I asked if she was helpful. He said he could barely talk to her.
I told him I don't know how to react to him when he is like this. My 13 year old picked up on it and asked if everything was okay. I told him all is fine.
Let hub know that son is feeling the vibe and to try and get a grip.
I wish he would leave. I wish I didn't have to deal with him. I wish he would face our marriage is over. I wish I didn't have to deal with that miserable look. I wish he would have gotten help long ago.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 8, 2016 18:04:00 GMT -5
If he has never really stepped up to deal with anything emotional then the chances of him doing that now are pretty slim. So at some point you are going to have to take the lead and steer you both through this. It might be too early. You might want to give him some more time to get used to the idea first. But both of you now know the writing is on the wall. And I am afraid the burden of driving things forward is always likely to rest mainly on your shoulders. But you know we will support you as much as we can  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 8, 2016 18:04:48 GMT -5
Wouldn't it be "interesting" if his friend got divorced due to LIASM?
I understand the," I wish he would leave part". Many mornings as my spouse leaves I find myself waving at the door , saying, " just go, leave, glad your gone for the day!"
The best help, even long ago may have been to end the marriage. He certainly detached himself from your wants, needs, emotions. Very little wrong with doing the same to him.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2016 19:22:15 GMT -5
I totally get that feeling of just
Wanting them to leave... I too have been at my wit's end with their crap messing up my life and trying to drag me down the same road.... after I stood by and tried to help all along...but it's too late
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 8, 2016 21:11:57 GMT -5
Just keep in mind that his issues are HIS issues. It may be too little too late, but he has to realize this for himself. You don't have to shoulder them if you don't want to. Ask yourself if he would do the same for you.
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Post by ggold on Jul 8, 2016 21:50:42 GMT -5
Just keep in mind that his issues are HIS issues. It may be too little too late, but he has to realize this for himself. You don't have to shoulder them if you don't want to. Ask yourself if he would do the same for you. You are so correct and I am trying to remember this. Thank you. We did talk a bit. That damn therapy we went to last year gave him hope! He repeatedly brings this up. I understand my language was unclear. I did not use the divorce word. I did, however, state that we were on two different paths. Lesson learned-be direct with him always. I now am! He was crying and blaming himself. Said he has done so much for me, our kids, my family, and has busted his ass all of these years for what. I responded that I know he has done all of this and appreciate it with all of my heart, but he did not put any effort into us. I reminded him that he also never was truthful with me or himself about his intimacy issues. I actually hugged him. It was very, very awkward. This is going to be a long road for him. He may never accept what is inevitable. That's on him, not me. I hate this. |
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Post by baza on Jul 8, 2016 22:02:55 GMT -5
Choice = consequence.
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That's true for him, for you, for your kid, for me, for everyone.
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And, just as you can NOT make anyone elses choices for them (and nor can someone else make yours), that is just as true for the consequences part of the deal.
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You don't own *his* choice(s), and nor do you own the consequences that ensue for him.
You could not make his choice(s) for him, and you cannot shield him from the consequences of his choice(s) either.
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You can feel some empathy for him - if you must - but it is he and he alone who has discharged the Smith and Wesson straight into his Nikes, not you.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2016 22:05:48 GMT -5
The snowman12345 has some sage words. Oh ggold. Words completely fail me, because all of this acting out by h, is all his. Clearly, he's having to face some things that he chose not to. And, it WILL get much more uncomfortable for him. Have temper tantrums and big emotional displays worked for him, in the past? |
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Post by ggold on Jul 8, 2016 22:14:27 GMT -5
The snowman12345 has some sage words. Oh ggold . Words completely fail me, because all of this acting out by h, is all his. Clearly, he's having to face some things that he chose not to. And, it WILL get much more uncomfortable for him. Have temper tantrums and big emotional displays worked for him, in the past? Z, he did have some emotional outbursts in the past. Not many. Now that you have posed that question, I have to say probably yes. :-( |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2016 22:24:36 GMT -5
The snowman12345 has some sage words. Oh ggold . Words completely fail me, because all of this acting out by h, is all his. Clearly, he's having to face some things that he chose not to. And, it WILL get much more uncomfortable for him. Have temper tantrums and big emotional displays worked for him, in the past? Z, he did have some emotional outbursts in the past. Not many. Now that you have posed that question, I have to say probably yes. :-( He's finding out that what worked in the past, no longer does. I suspect that the therapist did not respond to his preferred way of dealing with conflict - a toddler tantrum. So he had to put on his big boy panties and interact as an adult. That's heady stuff, which might be why he regress back to toddlerhood at home. Pay attention to how you react to his mood swings and outbursts. Do you go into "mommy mode?" Whatever your preferred communication style is, write it down, along with the behaviors (his and yours). It will be something concrete to keep in mind for your own therapy sessions - to help identify y'all's triggers and reactions. Then, brainstorm different ways to interact, so you both remain in adult-adult mode, rather than parent-child mode. |
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Post by ggold on Jul 8, 2016 22:33:22 GMT -5
Z, he did have some emotional outbursts in the past. Not many. Now that you have posed that question, I have to say probably yes. :-( He's finding out that what worked in the past, no longer does. I suspect that the therapist did not respond to his preferred way of dealing with conflict - a toddler tantrum. So he had to put on his big boy panties and interact as an adult. That's heady stuff, which might be why he regress back to toddlerhood at home. Pay attention to how you react to his mood swings and outbursts. Do you go into "mommy mode?" Whatever your preferred communication style is, write it down, along with the behaviors (his and yours). It will be something concrete to keep in mind for your own therapy sessions - to help identify y'all's triggers and reactions. Then, brainstorm different ways to interact, so you both remain in adult-adult mode, rather than parent-child mode. Excellent advice. Thank you luv! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2016 22:40:39 GMT -5
I'm full of...advice ggold.  But, I can certainly help you maximize YOUR time in therapy, to accomplish the goals you've set for yourself and the kids. H is an intelligent, able-bodied adult, he'll either figure it out, or not. Either way, it's on him. You do you, girlfriend. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2016 22:46:56 GMT -5
I am trying to deal with his emotions. He went yesterday to his first individual therapy session. He came home last night and looked upset, but held it together. He said he was comfortable with the therapist. I didn't ask too many questions. Today, he woke me up to say good-bye as he was going to work. I could tell he was barely holding it together. Almost broke down in tears on the way out. I texted him and asked how he was doing. He said ok. He came home from work with a miserable look on his face. Kind of slammed his work bag down on the table. I asked him what was wrong. He said he had the worst day ever at work. I asked was it work related or personal. He said personal and he broke down in his office. A friend of his saw him and tried to talk to him, apparently. (She recently divorced I just found out.) I asked if she was helpful. He said he could barely talk to her. I told him I don't know how to react to him when he is like this. My 13 year old picked up on it and asked if everything was okay. I told him all is fine. Let hub know that son is feeling the vibe and to try and get a grip. I wish he would leave. I wish I didn't have to deal with him. I wish he would face our marriage is over. I wish I didn't have to deal with that miserable look. I wish he would have gotten help long ago. Don't you think that some of this may be his way of making you feel guilty or to make you stop. I know that is the reaction I get often. I end up trying to discuss things and end up apologizing because she gets upset or I'm made to feel like the bad guy because of the effect it may have on our kid. |
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Post by ggold on Jul 8, 2016 22:54:31 GMT -5
@delaware1. Yes. I feel that way.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2016 22:58:27 GMT -5
I am trying to deal with his emotions. He went yesterday to his first individual therapy session. He came home last night and looked upset, but held it together. He said he was comfortable with the therapist. I didn't ask too many questions. Today, he woke me up to say good-bye as he was going to work. I could tell he was barely holding it together. Almost broke down in tears on the way out. I texted him and asked how he was doing. He said ok. He came home from work with a miserable look on his face. Kind of slammed his work bag down on the table. I asked him what was wrong. He said he had the worst day ever at work. I asked was it work related or personal. He said personal and he broke down in his office. A friend of his saw him and tried to talk to him, apparently. (She recently divorced I just found out.) I asked if she was helpful. He said he could barely talk to her. I told him I don't know how to react to him when he is like this. My 13 year old picked up on it and asked if everything was okay. I told him all is fine. Let hub know that son is feeling the vibe and to try and get a grip. I wish he would leave. I wish I didn't have to deal with him. I wish he would face our marriage is over. I wish I didn't have to deal with that miserable look. I wish he would have gotten help long ago. Don't you think that some of this may be his way of making you feel guilty or to make you stop. I know that is the reaction I get often. I end up trying to discuss things and end up apologizing because she gets upset or I'm made to feel like the bad guy because of the effect it may have on our kid. I am with you guys on this... I try to bring up the problem but end up apologizing and feeling like the bad person.... |
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