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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2016 23:01:40 GMT -5
Wow, right there makes me feel better because I always think its me and I'm not saying things correctly or approaching them in the right manner
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Post by baza on Jul 8, 2016 23:29:44 GMT -5
Quoting you here - "I am with you guys on this... I try to bring up the problem but end up apologizing and feeling like the bad person...."
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I reckon that early days, this was a big problem for just about every member here.
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You bring up the subject, the discussion gets closed down or diverted in to dead ends, you abjectly apologise and back off.
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Result = your spouse knows that you do not mean what you say. You shred your cred.
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Really (and boy, is it difficult), it is imperative that you do NOT say anything you do not mean, that you do NOT threaten anything that you are not prepared to carry out, that you do NOT start something you are not prepared to finish.
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The problem often is, unfortunately, that one may have a history of making empty threats, and, to re-establish ones credibility is a long hard slog - which you are looking at "years" to achieve.
And, that commodity, "time", is most assuredly, NOT your friend.
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Let you spouse know you are unhappy ?
Yes, by all means.
Suggest what they could do to help ?
Yep, perfectly legitimate.
Threaten a consequence ?
ABSOLUTELY NOT !!!!!!! - - - - - - unless and until you are in a position (and a mindset) to follow it through.
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Post by pfviento on Jul 8, 2016 23:48:37 GMT -5
Baza is 100% correct. I made a living at one time dealing with all manner of people and particularly domestic disturbances.
The absolute worse thing you can do is make a threat you are not prepared to carry out. Once you do nothing you say afterward is taken seriously.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 9, 2016 11:08:24 GMT -5
Baza is 100% correct. I made a living at one time dealing with all manner of people and particularly domestic disturbances. The absolute worse thing you can do is make a threat you are not prepared to carry out. Once you do nothing you say afterward is taken seriously. I agree with the losing credibility thing too. As a teacher we are trained to never threaten (for lack of a better word) threaten a consequence that we are not prepared to follow through with. I took this same concept into the philosophy of stating that I wanted a divorce. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said when I was still in love with him "if you don't start fucking me at least once a week then i intend to divorce you". I am not the type to beg for it. I don't believe in ultimatums. My guts tells me I did it the right way. He made it perfectly clear about his role in the marriage and when the time was right for me and my kids I made it perfectly clear that I was done. I have zero regrets or guilt. We are all humans and we all deserve to be happy and nobody can make you stay married, it's your one life make it a happy one! |
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Post by pfviento on Jul 9, 2016 12:06:51 GMT -5
Baza is 100% correct. I made a living at one time dealing with all manner of people and particularly domestic disturbances. The absolute worse thing you can do is make a threat you are not prepared to carry out. Once you do nothing you say afterward is taken seriously. I agree with the losing credibility thing too. As a teacher we are trained to never threaten (for lack of a better word) threaten a consequence that we are not prepared to follow through with. I took this same concept into the philosophy of stating that I wanted a divorce. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said when I was still in love with him "if you don't start fucking me at least once a week then i intend to divorce you". I am not the type to beg for it. I don't believe in ultimatums. My guts tells me I did it the right way. He made it perfectly clear about his role in the marriage and when the time was right for me and my kids I made it perfectly clear that I was done. I have zero regrets or guilt. We are all humans and we all deserve to be happy and nobody can make you stay married, it's your one life make it a happy one! Could probably spend a lifetime wondering how we could have done things different. Any or all of those changes may have still given the same result. Begging for it will make it hard to enjoy it. It won't help the self esteem either. I can speak for experience there. |
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Post by ggold on Jul 9, 2016 12:36:36 GMT -5
Quoting you here - "I am with you guys on this... I try to bring up the problem but end up apologizing and feeling like the bad person...." - I reckon that early days, this was a big problem for just about every member here. - You bring up the subject, the discussion gets closed down or diverted in to dead ends, you abjectly apologise and back off. - Result = your spouse knows that you do not mean what you say. You shred your cred. - Really (and boy, is it difficult), it is imperative that you do NOT say anything you do not mean, that you do NOT threaten anything that you are not prepared to carry out, that you do NOT start something you are not prepared to finish. - The problem often is, unfortunately, that one may have a history of making empty threats, and, to re-establish ones credibility is a long hard slog - which you are looking at "years" to achieve. And, that commodity, "time", is most assuredly, NOT your friend. - Let you spouse know you are unhappy ? Yes, by all means. Suggest what they could do to help ? Yep, perfectly legitimate. Threaten a consequence ? ABSOLUTELY NOT !!!!!!! - - - - - - unless and until you are in a position (and a mindset) to follow it through. You are correct baza. I have made empty threats for years. Never followed through. :-( I have to let go of the past and not beat myself up over this. I did consult with lawyer, he knows it. It's now up to me to make the next step and I will not threaten him with it. I will just do it. |
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Post by ggold on Jul 9, 2016 12:37:46 GMT -5
Baza is 100% correct. I made a living at one time dealing with all manner of people and particularly domestic disturbances. The absolute worse thing you can do is make a threat you are not prepared to carry out. Once you do nothing you say afterward is taken seriously. I agree with the losing credibility thing too. As a teacher we are trained to never threaten (for lack of a better word) threaten a consequence that we are not prepared to follow through with. I took this same concept into the philosophy of stating that I wanted a divorce. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said when I was still in love with him "if you don't start fucking me at least once a week then i intend to divorce you". I am not the type to beg for it. I don't believe in ultimatums. My guts tells me I did it the right way. He made it perfectly clear about his role in the marriage and when the time was right for me and my kids I made it perfectly clear that I was done. I have zero regrets or guilt. We are all humans and we all deserve to be happy and nobody can make you stay married, it's your one life make it a happy one! I'm a teacher also and I know this all too well. Do I follow it at home? No. Lesson learned. BTW....LOVE your sexy avatar!! xo |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 9, 2016 12:51:12 GMT -5
I agree with the losing credibility thing too. As a teacher we are trained to never threaten (for lack of a better word) threaten a consequence that we are not prepared to follow through with. I took this same concept into the philosophy of stating that I wanted a divorce. Sometimes I wonder if I should have said when I was still in love with him "if you don't start fucking me at least once a week then i intend to divorce you". I am not the type to beg for it. I don't believe in ultimatums. My guts tells me I did it the right way. He made it perfectly clear about his role in the marriage and when the time was right for me and my kids I made it perfectly clear that I was done. I have zero regrets or guilt. We are all humans and we all deserve to be happy and nobody can make you stay married, it's your one life make it a happy one! I'm a teacher also and I know this all too well. Do I follow it at home? No. Lesson learned. BTW....LOVE your sexy avatar!! xo Thanks honey!! Xoxo |
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Post by ggold on Jul 9, 2016 13:28:08 GMT -5
I'm a teacher also and I know this all too well. Do I follow it at home? No. Lesson learned. BTW....LOVE your sexy avatar!! xo Thanks honey!! Xoxo You've inspired me to change my outfit! lol! |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 9, 2016 13:42:38 GMT -5
You've inspired me to change my outfit! lol! The outfit you are wearing at home? In what way? |
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Post by ggold on Jul 9, 2016 14:04:07 GMT -5
You've inspired me to change my outfit! lol! The outfit you are wearing at home? In what way? LOL!! My avatar outfit!!! haha! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 9, 2016 15:30:44 GMT -5
Well I noticed the different color straps right away! ( I thought only you ladies noticed details like that, and us guys wouldn't know a freight train if it hit us!!)
Does adoption have a big part in all this? I feel it does in mine.
When we decided to adopt, (especially children from orphanages from foreign countries,) we were determined to offer them a better life. That meant a stable environment, full of good morals and values, leadership and discipline, and a role model of what a healthy marriage should be.
Who could know the future? A lot of guilt, worry, and shame comes along with that. It makes waiting till they are older, and continuing to wear your fake " happy family " mask even longer.
The question becomes, " how much of the fake happiness do they see? What kind of terrible example are we setting? And would it benefit everyone in the long run to go separate ways?"
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Post by Dan on Jul 9, 2016 16:03:12 GMT -5
I am trying to deal with his emotions. ... I texted him and asked how he was doing. He said ok. ... I told him I don't know how to react to him when he is like this. My 13 year old picked up on it and asked if everything was okay. I told him all is fine. Let hub know that son is feeling the vibe and to try and get a grip. I wish he would leave. I wish I didn't have to deal with him. I wish he would face our marriage is over. I wish I didn't have to deal with that miserable look. I wish he would have gotten help long ago. I have several bits to add: First of all, I think it was very kind of you to keep "checking in on him". I imagine you are doing this out of earnest concern for him, sprinkled with a bit of guilt. As far as motivations go, that ain't so bad. My advice is: somedays he might appreciate this, some he might reject it. So it is OK to "be there for him" though you must give him his personal space to "grieve alone", too. Second, about your son: I think "all is fine" is not the best message. "Daddy is sad" is the truth... and totally reasonable to say to kids your kids' age! Even the occasional nudge "why don't you give Daddy a hug" or "can you draw a cool picture for Daddy? He could use a smile" -- I think these are all reasonable. In fact, if you are still in couples therapy, in your next session, you might want to make "what and how do we explain to the kids what is going on, and in what time frame" might be a reasonable topic for the session. ( I've started a separate thread on this topic.) Third, I understand you wishing he would just "snap to it" and this would get resolved quickly. Alas: like any problem that developed over time (and most SMs have been stewing for a decade or more), it is just going to take time to work it all out. Remember: this has been bothering YOU for that decade... but it is new to him. Protect yourself emotionally (just get OUT from under HIS dark cloud when you can), but expect that it will just take time for him to learn to deal with what this has come to. If you choose to be patient with him on this, consider that one of the few "acts of love" you can still show him as his soon-to-be-ex-wife. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2016 22:55:15 GMT -5
IMHO, the most evil, horrible and unfair thing about SM is this: the refuser created the situation....yet YOU are the one who has to wear the "bad guy" T-shirt and do the breakup.
(Yes, I know that that's just the way it is, and complaining that it's unfair does not change it. But I am hard-wired to point out unfairness every time I see it. It's my mission in life, ha ha.)
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Post by ggold on Jul 9, 2016 23:06:47 GMT -5
IMHO, the most evil, horrible and unfair thing about SM is this: the refuser created the situation....yet YOU are the one who has to wear the "bad guy" T-shirt and do the breakup. (Yes, I know that that's just the way it is, and complaining that it's unfair does not change it. But I am hard-wired to point out unfairness every time I see it. It's my mission in life, ha ha.) Thank you for saying EXACTLY how I have been feeling!! He created this situation and ignored my sadness. Now, I am going to be viewed as the bad guy. It is unfair but is my reality. :-( |
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