Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2016 2:08:21 GMT -5
ggold, yes you are responsible for your current situation - for 50% of it. No more, no less. So, you're allowed to beat yourself up for 50% of it. That's all. I prefer the term "flawed negotiations," rather than "empty threats." It goes back to the parent-child dynamic you have with h, complete with tantrums, emotional outbursts and inappropriate coping. Remember those times you tried to "reason" with a toddler? How did it turn out? Did you change your approach? What changed to get the child to comply? The difference between a real parent-child relationship and a parent-child relationship between two adult partners, is that with a child you KNOW the balance of responsibility lies with the adult. When you have a parent-child relationship between two adults, you're always hoping/cajoling/bargaining from a diminished position. On paper things seem "equitable" because two adults are involved. In reality, they are not. You are NEVER negotiating on equal footing. And, the kicker is - BOTH of you know it. I have seen so many relationships change at their core level, because one partner changed her/his way of being in the relationship. The changes started off as subtle, usually the "parent" partner just took a step back and allowed the "child" partner the space to do/say/react without judgment. It was a shift in energy, if you will. (I would be happy to tell you specifics private). Note: I strongly dislike the word "threat" used in the context of your relationship (since I know you). Threats tend to have a much more negative/nefarious outcome and escalate over time. It is a personal preference.
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Post by ggold on Jul 10, 2016 9:19:19 GMT -5
ggold , yes you are responsible for your current situation - for 50% of it. No more, no less. So, you're allowed to beat yourself up for 50% of it. That's all. I prefer the term "flawed negotiations," rather than "empty threats." It goes back to the parent-child dynamic you have with h, complete with tantrums, emotional outbursts and inappropriate coping. Remember those times you tried to "reason" with a toddler? How did it turn out? Did you change your approach? What changed to get the child to comply? The difference between a real parent-child relationship and a parent-child relationship between two adult partners, is that with a child you KNOW the balance of responsibility lies with the adult. When you have a parent-child relationship between two adults, you're always hoping/cajoling/bargaining from a diminished position. On paper things seem "equitable" because two adults are involved. In reality, they are not. You are NEVER negotiating on equal footing. And, the kicker is - BOTH of you know it. I have seen so many relationships change at their core level, because one partner changed her/his way of being in the relationship. The changes started off as subtle, usually the "parent" partner just took a step back and allowed the "child" partner the space to do/say/react without judgment. It was a shift in energy, if you will. (I would be happy to tell you specifics private). Note: I strongly dislike the word "threat" used in the context of your relationship (since I know you). Threats tend to have a much more negative/nefarious outcome and escalate over time. It is a personal preference. Thank you. I needed to hear this. I would definitely like to hear the specifics. xoxo |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2016 9:37:51 GMT -5
We'll chat on the phone when we both have a moment alone, ggold |
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Post by ggold on Jul 10, 2016 9:43:37 GMT -5
We'll chat on the phone when we both have a moment alone, ggold Sounds good luv! xo |
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sufferinhubby
Junior Member
My marriage is not a tragedy. It's more like a romantic comedy without the romance
Posts: 67 
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by sufferinhubby on Jul 10, 2016 10:10:12 GMT -5
Definitely a positive sign that he is in therapy. But as others here have indicated and I agree, refuser spouses have a very difficult time facing some things head on. Especially when those things are of an "up-close and personal" nature. This is probably why they have intimacy issues. As I have stated before, my own wife walked right out of couples counseling the moment the spotlight turned on her. 3 out of 3 times.
It is no mystery that refusers are somehow content to exist in the sexless and dead world they created. So it lands on the refusee's shoulders to change things, and as @smartkat stated, you get painted as the bad guy. If you leave him, he will tell anybody who listens that you left because you're a slut who just wants to sleep around. And he will believe that 100%. It's unfair, but as the one doing all the suffering, I suppose it's on you to make the first move. And it seems you have.
Be strong. Talk to me/us whenever you want. We are here for you.
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Post by Dan on Jul 10, 2016 10:16:49 GMT -5
ggold , yes you are responsible for your current situation - for 50% of it. No more, no less. So, you're allowed to beat yourself up for 50% of it. That's all. I prefer the term "flawed negotiations," rather than "empty threats." It goes back to the parent-child dynamic you have with h, complete with tantrums, emotional outbursts and inappropriate coping. . . . Note: I strongly dislike the word "threat" used in the context of your relationship (since I know you). Threats tend to have a much more negative/nefarious outcome and escalate over time. It is a personal preference. All very good points, @zumbamami. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2016 10:53:38 GMT -5
Thanks Dan, it's a tiny bit of an occupational hazard. Sometimes I know stuff... Hope all is well with you.  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 11, 2016 8:17:32 GMT -5
ggold , yes you are responsible for your current situation - for 50% of it. No more, no less. So, you're allowed to beat yourself up for 50% of it. That's all. I prefer the term "flawed negotiations," rather than "empty threats." It goes back to the parent-child dynamic you have with h, complete with tantrums, emotional outbursts and inappropriate coping. . . . Note: I strongly dislike the word "threat" used in the context of your relationship (since I know you). Threats tend to have a much more negative/nefarious outcome and escalate over time. It is a personal preference. All very good points, @zumbamami . I would like to respectfully disagree. It sound more like 100/0. When you change your expectations, life style, behavior, desires, needs, wants, all in the name of compromise, thinking we are now two as one, I have to make this marriage work. I took a vow, I want my partner to be happy, I'll try it for now, surely my partner wants me to be happy. So you give, give, give, by giving in, denying yourself. That does not sound like a 50/50. its a 100/0. |
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Post by Dan on Jul 11, 2016 8:55:21 GMT -5
I would like to respectfully disagree. It sound more like 100/0. When you change your expectations, life style, behavior, desires, needs, wants, all in the name of compromise, thinking we are now two as one, I have to make this marriage work. I took a vow, I want my partner to be happy, I'll try it for now, surely my partner wants me to be happy. So you give, give, give, by giving in, denying yourself. That does not sound like a 50/50. its a 100/0. GC: I think you are actually agreeing. @zumbamami is saying "it SHOULD be 50/50; so (to ggold) don't take on 100% of the responsibility". You are saying "100/0 sucks. If you've gone there, walk it back; it SHOULD have been 50/50 all along." Am I right? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2016 9:12:56 GMT -5
BTW....LOVE your sexy avatar!! xo 's avatar has boobs! |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 11, 2016 9:56:26 GMT -5
BTW....LOVE your sexy avatar!! xo 's avatar has boobs! Of course because I have big boobs so an avatar should be somewhat representative. Unfortunately my waist is not as thin as the avatar's but there weren't a lot of choices for that! Finally I made one! I got tired of looking at the alien looking thing. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2016 9:58:28 GMT -5
Of course because I have big boobs so an avatar should be somewhat representative. Unfortunately my waist is not as thin as the avatar's but there weren't a lot of choices for that! Finally I made one! I got tired of looking at the alien looking thing. You should get some crayons out and just draw yourself!!! |
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Post by ggold on Jul 11, 2016 10:01:36 GMT -5
Of course because I have big boobs so an avatar should be somewhat representative. Unfortunately my waist is not as thin as the avatar's but there weren't a lot of choices for that! Finally I made one! I got tired of looking at the alien looking thing. How did you get the boobs??? LOL!! Is there a boob option here? haha |
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 11, 2016 10:02:05 GMT -5
I can do a stick figure and that doesn't represent either because I'm a curvy girl not a stick figure. Lol.
I like your sketch though it's very cool!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2016 10:04:02 GMT -5
I can do a stick figure and that doesn't represent either because I'm a curvy girl not a stick figure. Lol. I like your sketch though it's very cool! Just draw what you see!!! They're always great! You can call it your mental projection of yourself. |
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