Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2016 15:52:17 GMT -5
I went to bed 9 or 10 and husband slept on the couch half the time or came to bed at 3 -5 am. One of the traits I would like in a future partner is we go to bed at the same time or within an hour of each other. That never happened my entire marriage he always stayed up late. That's what I want in a future partner! Someone who is connected enough to me to WANT to go to bed at the same time and actually talk (and have sex). My H is a TV-head and a beer guy and overall, completely emotionally unavailable. You can see where this is going. Yup, he needs his TV and beer every night. For years, he fell asleep on the couch watching TV. Didn't even bother coming to bed to sleep with his hot, young (semi-naked) wife. (Not that I'm bitter or anything!) The years dragged on, he'd try every now and then to go to bed at the same time as me, but when he did, he wouldn't talk to me - or touch me! WTF? I have to admit, there were also nights when I kicked him out because he smelled of booze or because he snored too loudly or because, the few times he would initiate sex, it was only from a deep sleep (never understood that and was always personally offended - he has to be in a dream state to wake up and want me?). So now, that we're older, we do not sleep together - ever, at all. The final cut was about 8 weeks ago, maybe. I carved out a space for myself elsewhere in the house. I'm done being mostly ignored or infrequently pawed in my sleep by a half-drunk, unconscious guy who won't even do me the courtesy of conversation at bedtime. No thank you. I don't know what our future holds. I'm working the exit plan. Some days I think I'm on the college plan, for the sake of our kiddos. Other days, I think I am outta here as soon as those 2 years are up. Time will tell. ETA: I have to add, after I wrote and re-read this, I started crying! I haven't cried about my marriage much recently - thought I was over that. But, now I can't believe what I have put up with for so many years. Wasted years. If I were my own best friend, I'd have told me to leave a long time ago. I didn't deserve the way he treated me all those years; I just didn't value myself enough to see otherwise. Heartbreaking, re-reading my own post. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 1, 2016 16:11:42 GMT -5
@elle - good for you. We can't change them but we can make changes for ourselves. Working on an exit strategy is a step in the right direction if one wants a different life for themselves. An exit strategy can take years and that's ok it gives you time to prepare but I do believe that there is an optimal time of exiting. Think of it as a window of opportunity for pulling the cord on the parachute. @obobfl mentioned packing the parachute, well pulling the cord on the parachute can not be too soon or too late in order to have a safe landing. That time period to pull the cord is different for everyone and sometimes it changes. Originally I planned to stay 3 more years but things changed and the ground suddenly rose quickly and I had to pull the cord.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2016 16:13:38 GMT -5
@elle - good for you. We can't change them but we can make changes for ourselves. Working on an exit strategy is a step in the right direction if one wants a different life for themselves. An exit strategy can take years and that's ok it gives you time to prepare but I do believe that there is an optimal time of exiting. Think of it as a window of opportunity for pulling the cord on the parachute. @obobfl mentioned packing the parachute, well pulling the cord on the parachute can not be too soon or too late in order to have a safe landing. That time period to pull the cord is different for everyone and sometimes it changes. Originally I planned to stay 3 more years but things changed and the ground suddenly rose quickly and I had to pull the cord. Point taken to heart, bballgirl! Thank you. And go back and read my edit. Because now I'm in tears over all this business! Thought I was through that!  |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 1, 2016 16:14:13 GMT -5
@elle - I know it's hard and my heart is hurting for you reading that.
Here's a hug and use those emotions to fuel your exit strategy.
You are strong and it will work out.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 1, 2016 16:17:00 GMT -5
I read it. I'm so sorry.
You will have ups and downs even after you leave.
I cried so much and now it's about once a month when I reflect back on what I tolerated.
Hugs to you honey.
Xoxo
|
|
|
|
Post by obobfla on Jul 1, 2016 16:30:44 GMT -5
I have not slept in the same bed as my wife for almost 5 years. She snores, moves all over the bed, and steals the covers. Not even the cat sleeps with her.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2016 16:32:03 GMT -5
@helentishappy, you're not the only one with messed-up sleep patterns. Only going back to work has made me get back to a normal schedule.
When I was with my ex, I got resentful that we never did anything in the bed except sleep in it - so I started staying up later than him reading, and I'd fall asleep on the couch and then sneak into the bedroom in the small hours of the night. Then, when I moved out of our place, my whole life felt disrupted and I wasn't sleeping well anyway. Now I've been in my town about 18 months, and I'm working again, so I have another chance to get my sleep schedule back on track.
|
|
|
|
Post by angryspartan on Jul 1, 2016 16:39:58 GMT -5
It's rare we go to bed at the same time. I can't bring myself to be in bed before 12, especially on the weekend.
I like have the "me" time for tv, Xbox or whatever. I need that alone time to unwind.
|
|
|
|
Post by ggold on Jul 1, 2016 18:17:53 GMT -5
@elle. ((Hugs)). Having a good cry is what we need sometimes. I often feel that I wasted so many years living this way. I question why and how could I have handled things differently. The truth is, I did what I believed was best at that time. What matters is now, the present. What can you do now with the knowledge you have and with what you have learned from the past to create a better future for yourself?
I am sad about the past and am still not where I want to be, but slowly I will get there. I am determined and empowered as I truly believe you are.
Xoxo
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 1, 2016 19:20:16 GMT -5
Sleeping together gives me the right to be a refuser. I get to keep my half of the bed. I get to ignore my refuser just as much if not more so, than all those years of trying to get along. If her snoring is keeping me awake. I wake her and tell her " you need to go to the couch,or your chair". When she wants to go to bed supper early, I keep my light on, she can go to sleep anyways. When we go to sleep there is no more forced goodnight kiss, or forced words, goodnight. The sign over the bed " always kiss me goodnight" was donated away by me 6 months ago. The morning hellos are no longer. Separate times in the same bathroom. My head is turned and looking down when she changes clothes.
Perhaps a much stronger detachment by being together yet apart. Instead of seperate rooms.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 1, 2016 19:36:09 GMT -5
That's an interesting perspective Brother greatcoastal.
I can see that adopting a position of "here I am beside you, and I ain't interested" IS probably a more powerful symbolic gesture than "I ain't even here beside you".
-
In my deal unfortunately, the 'symbolic gesture' strategy never got any traction as an agent of change (and I made plenty of symbolic gestures over the period).
|
|
|
|
Post by nyartgal on Jul 1, 2016 19:46:09 GMT -5
I'm sure she's thrilled if you are ignoring her in bed, GC. Less work for her! This sounds like doing the laundry and leaving out half of her socks. Has that dirty sock message saved your marriage yet?  As Daniel Tiger sings on my two year old's favorite educational cartoon, "USE YOUR WORDS...USE YOUR WORDS!!" Or, you know, get a divorce. Either option is more powerful than making it clear you don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you in the first place. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 1, 2016 19:54:34 GMT -5
That's an interesting perspective Brother greatcoastal. I can see that adopting a position of "here I am beside you, and I ain't interested" IS probably a more powerful symbolic gesture than "I ain't even here beside you". - In my deal unfortunately, the 'symbolic gesture' strategy never got any traction as an agent of change (and I made plenty of symbolic gestures over the period). I agree with you! A' symbolic gesture' weather they add up or not, who knows? The other issue has been the intruder father in law living with us for nine years. He has his own bedroom. Our big house is crowded. The teens are up at late hours working, dating, video games, etc... The only spot left is the couch in the middle of the house were the front door and the noise is with the 16' ceilings! |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 1, 2016 20:25:16 GMT -5
I'm sure she's thrilled if you are ignoring her in bed, GC. Less work for her! This sounds like doing the laundry and leaving out half of her socks. Has that dirty sock message saved your marriage yet? As Daniel Tiger sings on my two year old's favorite educational cartoon, "USE YOUR WORDS...USE YOUR WORDS!!" Or, you know, get a divorce. Either option is more powerful than making it clear you don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with you in the first place. I am with you there! the" message" from me to her, is playing out something like this, " if my views, thoughts, methods, ways, contributions, efforts, skills, behaviors, are so , "less than helpful" and wrong, than she can start to learn to do with less and less of my participation in everything, as the inevitable, ( I'm starting to use that word, even though it hurts) divorce is getting closer and closer with every step. |
|
|
|
Post by lwoetin on Jul 2, 2016 1:20:16 GMT -5
We've slept in separate rooms for almost 12yrs now (except for one wild summer 3 yrs ago). It started with the birth of our son and I needed sleep from all the waking/crying. Later attempts to sleep together didn't work because we have different sleep schedules and she doesn't want to be awaken when I go to bed late. Having separate rooms doesn't affect anything. I like my freedom (in schedule) and she needs her sleep. Kids think it is normal for all of us to have our own rooms.
|
|
As Daniel Tiger sings on my two year old's favorite educational cartoon, "USE YOUR WORDS...USE YOUR WORDS!!"
