Finding an outsourcing partner?

@elle. I am where I am now because I have worked so hard on ME for years!! I am going to continue to do so!! You have the right attitude!! ((Hugs))

Outsourcing seems fraught with hazards to me and at the same time it beckons. I want to save some kind of positive relationship with my spouse. I do think that if I outsourced behind her back, it would end up breaking things irreparably. On the other hand, if the relationship is that fragile, it's already broken. So there's a debate with no ending.

At any rate, my preference would be for my spouse at least to know it was happening because I had told her it was going to happen, not because she found some email or hotel slip kicking around. (I'd like to fly by flapping my arms too).

The worry for me is that I can do some real harm. Forget about what is fair; none of this is fair. It's more that I'm not in need of another relationship; I need a friend who. needs. sex. A fnckbnndy.

Not complicated, right? Well, maybe not so fast. First, if I find a mutual attraction strong enough for us to get juicy, then we're going to end up caring for each other. Probably a whole lot, because for me this is a big deal. Someone who would help me with this is being pretty compassionate. I'm not going to be attracted to someone I pick off the bar floor at 3 AM anyway - it would be someone with whom I already have a connection. So there's a risk that one thing will turn into something else. That "something else" isn't on my bucket list.

Given that significant potential, how can my attentions to a potential AP really be fair to her? For that matter, how can it be fair to me? Can I feel comfortable asking someone to step into my life, join me in getting wet and sloppy for an hour and then just walk out? Once, twice, sure. But how about for six months or a year? That does build a relationship based on mutual need, but what is that relationship really going to end up like? Does anger and resentment build when you know from the outset that you will never be "that person" for the partner you've been working up a sex sweat with for half a year? Seems inherently manipulative to me.

Of course, if the marriage is dead before you make the first call, it doesn't really matter. Whatever the result ends up being, the whole thing is simpler as the harm has already happened. What makes it difficult, and maybe impossible, is the notion that I don't want to cause harm in my present relationship, but I need to mitigate the harm that is being done to me, whether by intention or not.

I suppose that after I surround three Scots single malts, this whole thing will not seem as complicated.

I outsourced on and off with one man the last year and a half of my marriage.
For me my marriage was already dead. There was no way in hell I would ever get intimate with my husband again. The years of rejection took a pricey toll. I am your girl next door. Last person anyone in my circle of friends would think is having an affair.

Some points you bring up:

The risk of being caught- I did not care one iota if I was caught. I was smart enough to make sure I wasn't caught. I didn't want to make my husband feel bad or flaunt anything. It was my own discreet experience that I did the first time and didn't know if I'd do it again. Then after that we were in a hotel room 4 days later so we really clicked. It continued it was a Summer Fling in 2014 and ended that August.
Zero contact for 8 months then I contacted him June 2015, we were in a hotel the next day and we are lovers.

Telling her and being upfront- My AP's wife knows. They have an open marriage. So it does exist. I'm personally of the belief if you do something not morally right then keep it to yourself.

Fairness/ Emotions- when you enter a relationship and outsource rules need to be established from the beginning. My AP told me from the beginning he would never divorce. I understand, I was married at the same time too. Planned to be married a few more years but pressed the ejection sooner.
We have sex, it's intimate, it's passionate, whatever it is, it's a form of happiness. Some people a decadent dessert, a nice glass of wine - brings happiness into their life, for me it's fucking this man. If having sex would make you happy, don't you deserve to be happy?

There's a Latin saying - Fortune Favors the Bold. I try to live my life by this motto. We have one life, it's ours, we own it, live it to the fullest!

Ha ha . @ Bballgirl I am another in the "seems least likely to outsource" group. I look innocent. My ex even says I am incapable of lying. That used to be true and largely still is.

Yeah me and my AP use the fact that I look so sweet and innocent, such a good girl and then I show up at the hotel to be so naughty as a turn on.
Sometimes we talk about it while we are being naughty.
Good girls being naughty is so much sexier than a slut being naughty, there's no surprise or mystery with that! Rock on good girls!!

Totally had it together!! Very wise!

She did say "Luck favors the prepared!" which as far as this place it speaks to taking the time to hammer out a good exit strategy which includes talking to an attorney.

Yeah Edna is a trip!