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Post by iceman on Jun 21, 2016 13:03:20 GMT -5
There seem to be a number of people here that have tested the outsourcing waters and I'm curious how you went about finding a partner. Just throw caution to winds and ask? I know there's craigslist which would scare the crap out me. I mean it's very entertaining but I can't imagine posting or responding there. I know there's Ashley Madison. Not going there. Besides that is there a match.com-like site for outsourcing?
Please don't construe my question as me having decided to try outsourcing. I can't say that I won't at some point in the future but this really is strictly a curiosity question for now. I've always been fairly reserved when it came to approaching women and found finding 'normal' partners to be challenging. Apparently I'm not very good at picking up on women's signals of interest and I have a fear of rejection. Generally, women had to be to be pretty forward before I'd realize there was interest. And that was 20 yrs ago. I don't think I've gotten any better at it having been cloistered away in a bad marriage being constantly rejected. The idea of looking for an outsourcing partner seems pretty daunting.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 13:18:00 GMT -5
I'm betting right here is as good a place as any. And you know what you're getting. Check out the statistics.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 13:56:58 GMT -5
Ice.... totally hear you.... I am in the same boat.....never been terribly good...and a lack of confidence from my SM is sure to drive the rest away....
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 14:20:59 GMT -5
Well, the first and most common place is in your past. Old flames are the most common affair known to man -- or women.
The second most probable place is definitely work. Sure that doesn't work for everyone. Personally, I don't work in a field with lots of women, and there are no women in my company. But I've seen it many times. I used to say that was off limits -- and as a younger man, I wouldn't even date legitimately at work. But, desperate times call for desperate measures. Caution and discretion is required here.
Then there's definitely Ashley Madison. I've not tried it, but there are at least two WOMEN on this forum that I know of that have done it successfully. Yes, they're women, but they found MEN. Nice well rounded men with good communication skills and a plan.
I wouldn't completely discount Craigslist. Way back when I tried it, and found what might have turned into affairs had I not thought better of it. Not thought better of Craigslist, but of the whole affair dealio. Again, you may have to experiment some and learn what works. Make sure your bait is fresh. Stale depressed bait only catches carp. You don't want to eat that.
You know, as I think of it, finding women -- as a single man or a married man -- is a whole lot like fishing or hunting. I think the first thing you have to do is decide if you're a fisherman or a hunter. If you're a hunter, all you have to do is find the women. Once you've found them, it's just a matter of bagging her. This is only for the serious lumberjacks.
If you're a fisherman, you still have to find them, but then you have to develop and fine tune your game. You have to decide whether or not you'll be using live bait or artificial. If you've got no live bate, you'll have to use artificial. You might even have to use some chum. Depending on what you're fishing for, you'll have to decide if you're going to be setting a trot line, trolling, casting to a very specific location, or jigging. All of these techniques work, but they catch different fish.
Regardless of whether or not you're fishing or hunting, you have to define your quarry. Are you hunting for meat or a trophy. Different techniques apply to both.
What were we talking about again?
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Post by Pinkberry on Jun 21, 2016 15:04:46 GMT -5
Plenty of Fish is one that some have tried. Staying within your age group is important. I don't think that most people out and out lie, but they try to play the odds. For example, women might say "open" on the question of whether they want children or not, when really what they mean is that they want them, just not right this second with any yahoo. Men might say they are interested in casual dating when what they are looking for is a series of one night fuck fests. So, it is an option and less of a target than Ashley Madison, although I would say at this point, AM's site is pretty secure.
You can also try Bumble or Tinder. They are just new technology and really not any more dangerous than any other dating web site in my opinion. I don't think CL is bad, but avoid the casual part. I'd go for the standard man seeking woman part and explain what you are looking for. I think it is different than just a one night stand, which is what people in casual encounters want.
It's always a good idea to meet someone in a public spot the first time or two. Don't take valuables. Pay with cash. Set up a separate Google account from your usual, then get a Google phone number, and program it to ring to your phone. That way, you can turn it off if there are problems without affecting anything else in your life. There are ways to safeguard yourself. If you get to the stage where you are going to have sex or think you might, get tested for STDs, have a copy available to show the other person, and ask them to do the same. A clean bill of health is the most important thing.
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Post by dancingbear70 on Jun 21, 2016 16:09:39 GMT -5
This sounds exhausting! Yet I've don't all of it. (Except the worrying about getting mugged part.) It's good advice.
Or go in a different direction. Don't seek it out but make yourself more open. I met my first AP in an airport waiting in line. If you make yourself open to the possibility. And open yourself up to smile and flirt more. And be aware that some level of rejection will come with it. Then you might end up meeting someone who can offer you friendship and maybe even some nookie!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 16:13:52 GMT -5
Rule #1: Relationships are work. All of them. It's normally fun work, but you get what you pay for -- or work for.
I'm willing to bet that most of us didn't work very hard for our refusers. We ended up with them. A little more work, and we might have found something special!!!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 16:18:54 GMT -5
Well, the first and most common place is in your past. Old flames are the most common affair known to man -- or women. What were we talking about again? Old flames? Really? I, for one, would never consider someone from my past. You were generously sharing your impressive knowledge on how to find outsourcing partners, following a methodical technical approach. Then, you got carried away ;-) That's right. Undoubtedly the #1 affair partner destination by far. I love fishing and hunting.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 16:26:40 GMT -5
This sounds exhausting! Yet I've don't all of it. (Except the worrying about getting mugged part.) It's good advice. Or go in a different direction. Don't seek it out but make yourself more open. I met my first AP in an airport waiting in line. If you make yourself open to the possibility. And open yourself up to smile and flirt more. And be aware that some level of rejection will come with it. Then you might end up meeting someone who can offer you friendship and maybe even some nookie! I thought that only happened in romantic comedies! Asfrequently as I travel, that never occurred to me. Oh well... must be your dancing ;-) I'd say it's more likely to happen in the seat. A couple hours of time in close proximity with someone with nothing to do but talk. And a common destination or a common home town? It doesn't get much better than that. And Fiery, with your oratory skill -- if writing skill translates to speaking -- you should have men eating Southwest pretzels from your hand. BTW: Southwest is best for this because you get to choose who you sit next to. I always choose to sit next to the most fabulous babes. Strangely, they always have a seat available next to them.
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Post by dancingbear70 on Jun 21, 2016 16:26:56 GMT -5
This sounds exhausting! Yet I've don't all of it. (Except the worrying about getting mugged part.) It's good advice. Or go in a different direction. Don't seek it out but make yourself more open. I met my first AP in an airport waiting in line. If you make yourself open to the possibility. And open yourself up to smile and flirt more. And be aware that some level of rejection will come with it. Then you might end up meeting someone who can offer you friendship and maybe even some nookie! I thought that only happened in romantic comedies! Asfrequently as I travel, that never occurred to me. Oh well... must be your dancing ;-) It's a great story with storm delays and missed connections. Sold out hotel rooms and delayed gratification. I've since met great friends and AP's online, but there is nothing like a truly organic meeting and mutual attraction!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 16:49:00 GMT -5
You know, these outsourcing threads really bother me because I'm not planning to do it. That said, I don't want to judge those who do because I have not walked a mile in their shoes and I totally get that there are cases where it might be a legitimate choice. So, though it's not my thing, I'll reserve judgment.
BUT, and this is a big 'but' (IMHO), if you DO outsource, it is truly over. There is no way, no how, you could ever get a refuser to un-refuse once you've outsourced. At least I can't fathom that ever happening.
I believe that once you have outsourced, there is no turning back. The marriage can never function at an optimal level. So, I guess I would say, just be aware of that. Outsourcing is a throwing down of the proverbial gauntlet. It's a major blow to trust that most likely will never be recovered. Exercise caution if you have even a shred of hope left that the marriage will work.
I guess that's where I'm coming from here. Apparently, I still have a shred of hope that H will come around to my LOVE super powers. H will see the light. H will be the H I want/need him to be. Sigh. I don't actively think of myself as an optimist - I have too much anxiety about life in general (that's anxiety with a small 'a'), but when I write these things, I can see I am a hopeless case.
Carry on!
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Post by dancingbear70 on Jun 21, 2016 17:09:59 GMT -5
@elle - I appreciate that is how you feel. But I don't believe that simply fooling around dooms a marriage. To move it away from anything personal, I had a friend who got caught in a very public affair. He told me that the most surprising thing was the sheer volume of people who confessed their own affair to him knowing that he had had one. He said it was everyone. People you would have never thought. Sex is a natural act that has been going on outside of marriage since man rise on two feet. It only has the power we give it.
In my case it gave me the ability to cope. Wait. Try to see if therapy can help us. Verdict is still out, but I'm still open to the possibility. Without outsourcing I would have melted down years ago.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2016 17:18:16 GMT -5
BUT, and this is a big 'but' (IMHO), if you DO outsource, it is truly over. There is no way, no how, you could ever get a refuser to un-refuse once you've outsourced. At least I can't fathom that ever happening. It's actually worse than that: Once you've outsourced, there's no way YOU will ever WANT to get the Refuser to Un-Refuse. If you are a good spouse and your spouse values the things that you do provide, most of them really quickly attempt to appear to unfuck themselves when they realize they're standing on the edge of the shit can with one foot on the banana peal. Of course that's after they call you every name in the book and tell about what a heel you are. But very quickly they realize they made this bed, and they're going to have to sleep in it -- alone. Yes, it is the ultimate OUT-JOB.
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Post by Casiyessie on Jun 21, 2016 17:43:52 GMT -5
I work with over 60+guys and I am terrible at reading someone's interest. If someone is flirting I take it as being really nice. You really have to cross a line for me to get it lol. I think if you put an ad out on clist to see what happens you might be surprised or also on here. Although I don't see a personals section on here. Lol
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Post by unmatched on Jun 21, 2016 17:52:30 GMT -5
I work with over 60+guys and I am terrible at reading someone's interest. If someone is flirting I take it as being really nice. You really have to cross a line for me to get it lol. I think if you put an ad out on clist to see what happens you might be surprised or also on here. Although I don't see a personals section on here. Lol A personals section - that is what we need! 'Hot frustrated man - good times guaranteed'. Maybe I could sell my old lawnmower at the same time. Or Admin could come up with an 'interested and available' flag you can put on your profile.
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