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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2016 6:44:25 GMT -5
And kudos to you for the October deadline. I love a man with a plan! Instead of all this sniveling and hanging on in pain for years that some of us seem to be doing (cough, totally not me, cough).
I also wanted to add this to your "fuck up a life - gamepiece" bit: On my better days (and I do have many), I realize that I came into this life to learn lessons. Everything and everyone that crosses our path is a teacher. Some things/people teach us how we want to be, how to carry ourselves, how to treat others; other things and people teach us how NOT to be. Every situation and person has something of value to offer us. It's up to us to find that value.
Don't think of your life as fucked up. Anything but. Let it empower you and show you your own strength, grace, and dignity. I'm guessing you have those in spades, even if you don't always see them.
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Post by mylastchance on Jul 16, 2016 6:47:26 GMT -5
elle, thanks for the thoughtful response - and thought-provoking as well. I often think to myself, WHY AREN'T I PISSED AS HELL ABOUT THIS? When I do get hacked off it lasts about five minutes, then my compassion returns (codependence?)........I just can't stay angry. I have to KEEP REMINDING myself of all that she's said over the years. I was just thinking today of how (I think) crushed she'll be when I tell her I'm done, and how I've always been the one there for her to get her through stuff -- but obviously can't be that person this time.....and how I feel I'd be failing her in that regard......
I KNOW, RIGHT??!! Isn't that the sickest shit you've ever heard??!!! The woman has destroyed me and my life, and even corrupted my relationship with my children -- and I have the temerity to WORRY about hurting her with divorce? WTF. I have to get past that........I am trying to unravel that mystery in my brain.......I need to let the fuck GO of all of that.
(I've just started listening to the many Abraham-Hicks youtube videos that have to do with the nature of Fear.....)
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 16, 2016 7:46:58 GMT -5
I just know a leopard doesn't change its spots......and you can't take back all the criticisms and judgments and cruelty ( if I want sex, I can see a prostitute? Really? From my own WIFE?)Sorry, everyone, I have suffered some serious mental and emotional abuse, and maybe my being a planet-and-people-loving empath didn't give me thick enough skin to deal with it and therefore making it worse..........but holy hell......if I was an ancient Greek, I'd look up into the heavens for the group of gods that were playing 'Fuck Up A Life' with me as their gamepiece. I missed your original updates while I was on vacation but I was so glad to see this pop up today, mylastchance. I was worried about you - all that narcissistic behavior takes a toll on an empath. To the first - she really said that to you? That kind of screams, "I want your money" to me. It's a cruel and heartless thing to say. I would think a comment like that would be enough to warrant divorce for any of the refusing men here. Gentlemen of ILIASM, I'm telling you, if your wife says this to you - it's time to get out. She's not in it because she loves you. If she were, she'd at least try to meet your needs sexually. To the second, right there with you. It is a tough, tough road to be an empath and these seem to be especially difficult times for our kind as well. Empathic, in my experience, borders so close to codependent that I sometimes have a hard time distinguishing when I have gone so far in being compassionate, forgiving, and kind as to become a martyr. I quite literally can't see the difference. I can take a lot. I have taken a lot. I have an incredible capacity to forgive. Too much so. It's almost as if it were infinite. I have a love for all people, even when they've hurt me. Because I can go deep and see why they hurt me, and then, I wind up hurting for the pain they carry that drove them to hurt me in the first place. I love my husband. But he hurts me, all the time. And yet, I have compassion for him (and his own personal pain as yet uncovered in his mind, but which I can see). I have compassion for his side of the story. So much compassion, in fact, that I might just roll over and let him keep hurting me for oh, I don't know, the next 40 years? Because I do have the capacity (most days) to relegate my needs to the back burner and to just keep on taking it politely. I blow off steam here, but mostly, I take a lot of shit at home. Because I can. Sigh. Tough road, this. I'm so glad you updated though! Hang in there. And hugs from a fellow empath. There seem to be a lot of us here. I'm team empath too. Unfortunately! It's toooooo hard sometimes xxxx |
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Post by mylastchance on Jul 16, 2016 9:03:35 GMT -5
I'm team empath too. Unfortunately! It's toooooo hard sometimes xxxx It sucks ASS |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2016 9:53:10 GMT -5
To fail one's SELF has to be the worst spiritual pain of all. I think it's important to take responsibility for your own actions, but I think you are being too hard on yourself. Leaving a marriage is incredibly difficult - it isn't just money and logistics or it would be relatively easy for most people to divorce. Take a deep breath, my friend and give yourself credit for the work you've done so far. You've managed to work out that you need to leave, you've done your homework and prepared your exit plan. There are people who never get that far - people who stayed trapped in miserable marriages and never even try to change things. Yes, you're stuck at the moment, but this is a temporary thing and you will move past it. Many of us experienced similar things. I think you would be well served to cut yourself some slack. Let it go and focus on October. One thing that helped me was writing out what I wanted to say and practicing it over and over (thank you, Baz for that advice!). I edited my statement many times until it was short, to the point and left no room for argument. I practiced it in the mirror which was oddly helpful. No more beating on yourself. Let it go and move forward. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2016 11:04:43 GMT -5
I missed your original updates while I was on vacation but I was so glad to see this pop up today, mylastchance . I was worried about you - all that narcissistic behavior takes a toll on an empath. To the first - she really said that to you? That kind of screams, "I want your money" to me. It's a cruel and heartless thing to say. I would think a comment like that would be enough to warrant divorce for any of the refusing men here. Gentlemen of ILIASM, I'm telling you, if your wife says this to you - it's time to get out. She's not in it because she loves you. If she were, she'd at least try to meet your needs sexually. To the second, right there with you. It is a tough, tough road to be an empath and these seem to be especially difficult times for our kind as well. Empathic, in my experience, borders so close to codependent that I sometimes have a hard time distinguishing when I have gone so far in being compassionate, forgiving, and kind as to become a martyr. I quite literally can't see the difference. I can take a lot. I have taken a lot. I have an incredible capacity to forgive. Too much so. It's almost as if it were infinite. I have a love for all people, even when they've hurt me. Because I can go deep and see why they hurt me, and then, I wind up hurting for the pain they carry that drove them to hurt me in the first place. I love my husband. But he hurts me, all the time. And yet, I have compassion for him (and his own personal pain as yet uncovered in his mind, but which I can see). I have compassion for his side of the story. So much compassion, in fact, that I might just roll over and let him keep hurting me for oh, I don't know, the next 40 years? Because I do have the capacity (most days) to relegate my needs to the back burner and to just keep on taking it politely. I blow off steam here, but mostly, I take a lot of shit at home. Because I can. Sigh. Tough road, this. I'm so glad you updated though! Hang in there. And hugs from a fellow empath. There seem to be a lot of us here. I'm team empath too. Unfortunately! It's toooooo hard sometimes xxxx Add me to that team.....almost has told me to leave....but my empathy keeps me here....but I am trying to control my own happiness... |
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 16, 2016 11:30:47 GMT -5
Sigh. Tough road, this. I'm so glad you updated though! Hang in there. And hugs from a fellow empath. There seem to be a lot of us here. Count me in that group. I think it's what got many of us into this situation. Instead of taking a hard stand for ourselves, we were empathetic to our spouses to the point that a bad dynamic became the "new normal". I suspect a lot of us had the notion that "being selfish" was a bad thing. And it is, at an extreme. But it can also be healthy, and essential. |
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Post by Dan on Jul 16, 2016 15:39:02 GMT -5
that's a serious situation and sadly I think I'm 10years behind you on the same path. what does gaslighting mean? From Wikipedia article on Gaslighting:
Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which a victim is manipulated into doubting their own memory, perception, and sanity. Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.
The term owes its origin to the 1938 play Gas Light and its film adaptations. The term has been used in clinical and research literature.Often used in the context of infidelity, but it is more than "husband cheats and then lies about it to wife". It is "husband cheats, then manipulates wife to think she is imagining things, evidence of his cheating is her delusions, she's the one who needs help, he's the best thing that ever happened to her...." etc, etc. Also often used in the context of an abuser who convincingly twists the facts via serious, calculated, psychological manipulations to keep control of the abused. More here: Are You Being Gaslighted? |
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