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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 24, 2016 13:17:46 GMT -5
Yes! When I started repeating back his words and he couldn't say that's not what I said or what I meant (because I refused to handle it) He became silent. He no longer speaks unless to throw what he has said or might say back on me. If I say, "You must be right at any cost." He throws it on me, saying, "No that is you." Sigh. So, I'm dealing with silence or the words yes or no because I am insane. If I want conversation it must play by the rules. It can't be about him. It can be about the kids or random meaningless crap. Sure it has to be about the kids and other meaningless crap. Let me guess, the meaningless stuff is what he idolizes? These things are called "intruders" in your marriage. Money, work, relatives, children, drugs, pornography, video games, etc.... i'll match your story and raise ya five! Our therapist asked us to right down our top five priorities, and put them in order. I found her list. She had four things written down. They were GOD,FAMILY,CHURCH, and WORK. I politely asked her" where's your marriage on here?" That one stumped her. After a long silence she claimed, " that's part of family." Therapist shook his head over that one! Every book, magazine,article, sermon ,etc..I have ever read or heard states; God first, marriage second, family third. ( I get the baby part, and being pushed back for a while, but that can't go on forever.) hope a " me too" is helpful for you. |
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Post by cc on Jun 24, 2016 13:30:56 GMT -5
His is about work, an old lady he helped while working, a dog he saw, his stupid boss, or his phone call with dad.
Sigh.
I always struggle to put God above my H and boys. I truly made them my life. I'm not a quitter. I might out things on hold when God leads me to something else (like my career), but I am all LiLo...Ohana means family, and you don't leave family behind. I'm serious ..to my own detriment. I fully believe God's word and love it. I actually pointed out key verses for him against his "Your married, there isn't an out". This angst isn't of God. He wants our marriage sickeningly lovely. We are messing this up, but only one person is fighting for Ohana. I can't even read the book of Solomon...it is like a flipping romance novel.
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Post by cc on Jun 24, 2016 13:32:59 GMT -5
He is a freaking work horse. Provide, provide, provide. I'd live in a cardboard box...I only wanted him.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 24, 2016 14:44:55 GMT -5
His is about work, an old lady he helped while working, a dog he saw, his stupid boss, or his phone call with dad. Sigh. I always struggle to put God above my H and boys. I truly made them my life. I'm not a quitter. I might out things on hold when God leads me to something else (like my career), but I am all LiLo...Ohana means family, and you don't leave family behind. I'm serious ..to my own detriment. I fully believe God's word and love it. I actually pointed out key verses for him against his "Your married, there isn't an out". This angst isn't of God. He wants our marriage sickeningly lovely. We are messing this up, but only one person is fighting for Ohana. I can't even read the book of Solomon...it is like a flipping romance novel. Have you watched Mark Gungor The difference between a Mans brain and a Woman's Brain? He has a whole section on Solomon. You would ROF! Find it on utube. love is an agreement, a give and take? Sounds like time for some taking. Book of Ruth talks about. Throw that in your bible thumpers face! |
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Post by cc on Jun 24, 2016 14:48:06 GMT -5
I'm looking it up!
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Post by cc on Jun 24, 2016 15:03:05 GMT -5
Yes! 😂 I watched it in PBS years ago. Hilarious
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2016 17:01:11 GMT -5
Yes! When I started repeating back his words and he couldn't say that's not what I said or what I meant (because I refused to handle it) He became silent. He no longer speaks unless to throw what he has said or might say back on me. If I say, "You must be right at any cost." He throws it on me, saying, "No that is you." Sigh. So, I'm dealing with silence or the words yes or no because I am insane. If I want conversation it must play by the rules. It can't be about him. It can be about the kids or random meaningless crap. My wive wordsmiths my renditions of her words. Another thing she does: OH THIS ONE PISSES ME OFF: She'll tell me what to say when I have a planned conversation with someone, or tells me I screwed up a conversation after the fact -- again with the constant wordsmithing: She wants to run all my business negotiations remotely when she has NO idea what my business is. I once asked her if she felt it was necessary to have some understanding of a subject to have an opinion on it. Her answer was NO. So, she can -- and frequently does -- have very firm and emotional opinions about the exchange rate between the South African Rand and the Chinese Renminbi. She got a little mad at me this morning when I couldn't explain and refused to offer an opinion about the Brexit other than to state my general skepticism of referrenda. Sorry Mrs. Creel, I cannot form opinions without some frame of reference or information. I don't have enough concerning this. CC, what to you think about the Brexit? |
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Post by cc on Jun 24, 2016 17:33:41 GMT -5
Yes! When I started repeating back his words and he couldn't say that's not what I said or what I meant (because I refused to handle it) He became silent. He no longer speaks unless to throw what he has said or might say back on me. If I say, "You must be right at any cost." He throws it on me, saying, "No that is you." Sigh. So, I'm dealing with silence or the words yes or no because I am insane. If I want conversation it must play by the rules. It can't be about him. It can be about the kids or random meaningless crap. My wive wordsmiths my renditions of her words. Another thing she does: OH THIS ONE PISSES ME OFF: She'll tell me what to say when I have a planned conversation with someone, or tells me I screwed up a conversation after the fact -- again with the constant wordsmithing: She wants to run all my business negotiations remotely when she has NO idea what my business is. I once asked her if she felt it was necessary to have some understanding of a subject to have an opinion on it. Her answer was NO. So, she can -- and frequently does -- have very firm and emotional opinions about the exchange rate between the South African Rand and the Chinese Renminbi. She got a little mad at me this morning when I couldn't explain and refused to offer an opinion about the Brexit other than to state my general skepticism of referrenda. Sorry Mrs. Creel, I cannot form opinions without some frame of reference or information. I don't have enough concerning this. CC, what to you think about the Brexit? Well, I am a lover of early American history. Like love it! Wish I had been there to go against the grain and declare and fight for independence. I would have most certainly doned breeches and pulled my hair back. 😂 I think if any state or province wants to break away, they should. I know the threat of appearing weak and the money dropping is key fears. I think the first is easily resolved in an compromise of powers when threatened. People soon forget and move on....money is already unstable. But...I am a rebel at heart. I don't live there. We also live in scary times. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2016 21:55:35 GMT -5
He is a freaking work horse. Provide, provide, provide. I'd live in a cardboard box...I only wanted him. Providing does not require intimacy. In fact it's an escape from intimacy. No wonder so many men find it so appealing. You can ignore your wife and look good in the process. |
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Post by cc on Jun 24, 2016 22:14:19 GMT -5
I know we have a lot of stressors and I know as a man it is a way to feel he is doing something. I am thankful he provides. Thankful beyond words. It has ruined us, though.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2016 13:00:51 GMT -5
Wondering what's happening, mylastchance. Update please! Inquiring minds and all... |
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Post by mylastchance on Jul 8, 2016 2:07:34 GMT -5
Well, I damn near died trying to make my escape. I have never in my life endured such pain as I did over the last month. I had given myself a deadline to open my mouth and the build-up to that was excruciating. Mine is not only a SM but an empath-narcissist sort of thing in which I am the empath and have a very hard time confronting. The several times I did over the past 8 years resulted in more judgments, more reasons why I was not good enough for sex, and things like that. I always regretted it and each time I walked away feeling like I'd lost again. It's hard when you're a man because, well, what man wants to be a doormat? Anyway, so my deadline came and went and now it's too late due to other things that came up that need attending to as a unit. I'm absolutely sick about it. This summer was supposed to be my Great Escape, I was going to start living again, feel freedom, feel the wind in my hair, all that shit. Well, I blew it and it about killed me. The absolute worst kind of emotional pain comes from a sense of helplessness or inability to control your own life.....and that's what it is. But.....I will keep pushing after this obligatory summer stuff is done...I really REALLY need to get out and I need to make sure I'm ready. All it is is one sentence.....respond to the hostile questions, ride it out, stick to the script, "no", "I'm done", "I want to feel happiness again".....on paper it seems so simple....TEN MINUTES is all I needed to save my life this summer, and I couldn't do it. And all this for a woman who has wrecked my life, wrecked my self-esteem, left me sexless for a decade, and has been critical and judgmental......yet continues to take full advantage of the lifestyle I provide, without batting an eye. It's just such a lovely experience. I can't even believe what has happened to my life because of her (or I should say because of the difficulties I have had in detaching from the situation -- gotta take responsibility that I am the reason I'm still here, eh?)
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Post by baza on Jul 8, 2016 2:54:23 GMT -5
I can't pick up in your posts so far Brother mylastchance, whether you actually have -
- the appropriate legal advice so you know how how a divorce would shake out.
- a do-able exit strategy
- your support system shored up
- relevant advice about helping kids (if any) transition through the process.
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Exiting is a hugely difficult task, even when you are prepped as well as you can be.
If you are not as well prepped as you can be, then exiting moves from "hugely difficult" to "practically impossible".
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Post by mylastchance on Jul 8, 2016 3:04:00 GMT -5
Yes, baz, I have all that covered. My deal is just the psychological issues related to opening up Pandora's box when I tell her I'm done. I don't know why it strikes such paralyzing fear into me.....maybe PTSD-like reactions because of her twisting and gaslighting. I just need so badly to find ten minutes of courage to get through the initial deal......or really even the ten seconds to say, "I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. I'm desperately unhappy in the marriage and I'm just done."
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Post by baza on Jul 8, 2016 3:19:16 GMT -5
I think there are circumstances sometimes where it is appropriate to just go - without a word, without a discussion, without a warning. And sort out the finer details later.
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It might not be the most ethical way of going about the task at hand, but it is a legitimate enough strategy.
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