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Post by mylastchance on Jul 8, 2016 3:20:30 GMT -5
I would be inclined to do that but we have many mutual friends and I don't think my kids would ever look at me again.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 8, 2016 8:01:45 GMT -5
Yes, baz, I have all that covered. My deal is just the psychological issues related to opening up Pandora's box when I tell her I'm done. I don't know why it strikes such paralyzing fear into me.....maybe PTSD-like reactions because of her twisting and gaslighting. I just need so badly to find ten minutes of courage to get through the initial deal......or really even the ten seconds to say, "I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. I'm desperately unhappy in the marriage and I'm just done." I totally get how you feel the hardest part for me was telling my husband. It's like ripping off the worst band aid in the world but like a band aid you just do it. My husband was shocked. He didn't see it coming despite the fact that he knew for years i wasn't happy. The previous month I told him I wasn't in love with him anymore and that I was starting individually therapy. Then the fateful day came. I had him meet me in a restaurant, a public place because I didn't know how he would react. I just said it. I stayed calm I didn't get mad. The hardest part about it for me was I'm so empathetic I didn't want to make him feel sad but I had to put myself first for once. Here's my story I wrote on EP in September when I asked for a divorce, I I hope it helps: Update: I did it! Originally I planned to tell my husband later in the week, that I want a divorce but when he came to bed at 3 am he complained about his kidneys hurting. All I could think about was if he ends up in the hospital I will never have the guts to tell him I want out. So I decided right there and then tonight is the night. I asked him to let my son skip his baseball practice so we can talk and to meet me at a restaurant. He was reluctant but I insisted on the importance and he agreed. He sat down, I told him I have been unhappy for so many years, I'm not happily married and that I don't want to be married anymore. He immediately went into blame mode saying that neither one of us have worked on it. That there are things that he can blame me for like not supporting him when he disciplined the children (like a drill sergeant). He also blamed me for sending him suggestive texts, example: a shopping list milk, bread, eggs, fruit, sex tonight. I accepted his blame, stayed calm and said "I agree I did do those things and it just shows that we are not compatible. One day in the far future I want a man that is not turned off by that text. I want a man that wants me". Then he went into give me another chance mode. I explained to him that I can't go there with him anymore the years and years of rejection have humiliated me and put my self esteem in a very bad place. I told him this January will be 2 years since we have had sex, his response - he didn't know he didn't keep track. That was always his response through the years. I said I know you never kept track but I did. So the one time a year I came to you in a sweet way and asked "so do you think we can have sex tonight? You said maybe! I stood up all night waiting thinking this is going to be the night only to hear you snoring on the couch. So that rejection didn't make me want to try again so quickly. Eventually he saw he was getting nowhere with me. I asked him if he wants to use one lawyer he told me to take care of it. I'll give him time to process it, maybe talk to his parents and get some support. He left. I paid for our drinks and then left with a smile on my face a huge weight off my shoulders . A few minutes later he texted me that he's putting in his resignation at work tomorrow. I didn't respond. Time will tell. I feel relieved. |
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Post by mylastchance on Jul 8, 2016 23:30:05 GMT -5
Thanks, bballgirl. I definitely find that reading others' stories of how it went down helps to take the 'wild unknown' out of it. Of course all are different, but......everyone survives to move on and rebuild. The commonality that EVERY divorce has is that someone needs to speak up.........and in my case, it's me.
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Post by mylastchance on Jul 9, 2016 9:35:48 GMT -5
Anniversary today. Wear the mask, go out to dinner.....we get home and she says she didn't get a card and just wants to tell me what sh'es feeling.....gets teary-eyed.....says we've had ups and downs but she hopes we stay together for the family and it may not be romantic like it used to be, but hopes we can hang on and work. I was mindboggled and actually very irritated by this. TEN YEARS I have lived with criticism and judgment and sexlessness.....yeah, I cried, too....a lot....alone.....in the van, on my bike, in the changing room at a store......got close to suicide twice.....I felt nothing which, in a weird way, was kind of empowering. Anyone want to guess why she did this? My guess is that she's now in her early 50's and is starting to realize things may really be slipping, that I've checked out, and that she could lose the lifestyle she enjoys.....I basically think her words had little to do with ME at all, but with her realization of her own tenuous state........
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 9, 2016 9:57:23 GMT -5
Anniversary today. Wear the mask, go out to dinner.....we get home and she says she didn't get a card and just wants to tell me what sh'es feeling.....gets teary-eyed.....says we've had ups and downs but she hopes we stay together for the family and it may not be romantic like it used to be, but hopes we can hang on and work. I was mindboggled and actually very irritated by this. TEN YEARS I have lived with criticism and judgment and sexlessness.....yeah, I cried, too....a lot....alone.....in the van, on my bike, in the changing room at a store......got close to suicide twice.....I felt nothing which, in a weird way, was kind of empowering. Anyone want to guess why she did this? My guess is that she's now in her early 50's and is starting to realize things may really be slipping, that I've checked out, and that she could lose the lifestyle she enjoys.....I basically think her words had little to do with ME at all, but with her realization of her own tenuous state........ You know it took courage for her to say that and what stood out to me were the words of "it may not be romantic like it used to be but I hope we can hang on". Translation - I really don't plan on having much or any sex in the future but I hope you can live with that so that our lifestyle can still exist. Here's the thing - she is communicating with you and I realize that hindsight is 20/20 and I can not tell you how many times I thought of what I wish I would have said afterwards BUT you know what it's never too late. A simple "I have been thinking a lot about our conversation the other day and we need to discuss it because you expressed your point of view but I need to express mine...". You can still springboard off of that conversation even though it's a day or two later. I wouldn't let that opportunity pass since it's still so fresh. Then figure out what you want for yourself for your life. Are you still in love with your wife? Is she capable of loving you and making you feel loved the way you should? Are there other issues in the relationship? The fact that you didn't care and felt empowered says something too. |
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Post by pfviento on Jul 9, 2016 10:17:40 GMT -5
Anniversary today. Wear the mask, go out to dinner.....we get home and she says she didn't get a card and just wants to tell me what sh'es feeling.....gets teary-eyed.....says we've had ups and downs but she hopes we stay together for the family and it may not be romantic like it used to be, but hopes we can hang on and work. I was mindboggled and actually very irritated by this. TEN YEARS I have lived with criticism and judgment and sexlessness.....yeah, I cried, too....a lot....alone.....in the van, on my bike, in the changing room at a store......got close to suicide twice.....I felt nothing which, in a weird way, was kind of empowering. Anyone want to guess why she did this? My guess is that she's now in her early 50's and is starting to realize things may really be slipping, that I've checked out, and that she could lose the lifestyle she enjoys.....I basically think her words had little to do with ME at all, but with her realization of her own tenuous state........ I give her credit for bringing it up and not avoiding the topic. Might be time for a very frank discussion. Based on your original post it sounds like your mind was already pretty made up. Might be time to decide if you really want to divorce or stick it out. |
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Post by deleted on Jul 9, 2016 12:40:49 GMT -5
My friend. You've been through a lot. One thing that would suggest isn't to man up, but get yourself into therapy. You've been put through a lot of really shitty stuff and you've been brought to tears on several occasions. You have a lot of emotions to process. You remind me of me. I eventually went to see a therapist. It helped me quite a bit. It might help you. You don't have to leave if you don't want to, but therapy might give you some better survival techniques until you are prepared to move on.
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Post by mylastchance on Jul 9, 2016 18:45:41 GMT -5
It was just so out of character for her. I give anyone props for speaking up, but this just went against the last ten years of things she's said to me and how she's treated me. I am so checked out, though....I felt my heart literally go dead (a tangible 'snap' feeling after she told me the reason she wouldn't add me as a FB friend was because of how I might act to posts she receives from male friends -- now, I know they're not bad msgs, these are all people in her activity group, and every other member of BOTH families is on her friend list) about four years ago. I have zero desire for her and zero desire to try and salvage something that just isn't there, where it should be, in the heart. I think something has just dawned on her after all this time.....that I could leave. I've done the 180 TWICE over the past six or seven years.....
I just know a leopard doesn't change its spots......and you can't take back all the criticisms and judgments and cruelty (if I want sex, I can see a prostitute? Really? From my own WIFE?)
Sorry, everyone, I have suffered some serious mental and emotional abuse, and maybe my being a planet-and-people-loving empath didn't give me thick enough skin to deal with it and therefore making it worse..........but holy hell......if I was an ancient Greek, I'd look up into the heavens for the group of gods that were playing 'Fuck Up A Life' with me as their gamepiece.
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Post by unmatched on Jul 10, 2016 5:09:28 GMT -5
So what is it you do have to lose? You have listed a lot of reasons why you are done and why you know you want to get out. And the only thing you have said is holding you back is fear of pulling the trigger. So maybe you should unpack that a little. What are you afraid of? Is it just fear of your wife's response or is there also fear of what you are losing and fear of what the other side might look like? Getting a better handle on all of that might help you figure out how to move forward.
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Post by petrushka on Jul 10, 2016 5:52:49 GMT -5
Another side to this is called " the double bind" or the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" Here's an example: the command " be spontaneous". I'm going to pitch in here. Double bind is when the mouth says one thing but the demeanor, the voice, the body language says the exact opposite. Classic example: The daughter wants to go to a party with her friends, the mother does not want her to go. After a prolonged argument, the mother starts screaming "So go, go to your party, you'll see what comes out of it". Clearly she means the opposite of what she says. At one time Ronald D Laing the psychiatrist floated the idea that double bind might be responsible for schizophrenia in young people. As far as I know that hypothesis was disproved - but it was popular when I was at university, so I got a good dose of 'double bind' dished up. |
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Post by petrushka on Jul 10, 2016 6:13:21 GMT -5
It was just so out of character for her. I give anyone props for speaking up, but this just went against the last ten years of things she's said to me and how she's treated me. I am so checked out, though....I felt my heart literally go dead (a tangible 'snap' feeling after she told me the reason she wouldn't add me as a FB friend was because of how I might act to posts she receives from male friends -- now, I know they're not bad msgs, these are all people in her activity group, and every other member of BOTH families is on her friend list) about four years ago. I have zero desire for her and zero desire to try and salvage something that just isn't there, where it should be, in the heart. I think something has just dawned on her after all this time.....that I could leave. I've done the 180 TWICE over the past six or seven years..... I just know a leopard doesn't change its spots......and you can't take back all the criticisms and judgments and cruelty (if I want sex, I can see a prostitute? Really? From my own WIFE?) Sorry, everyone, I have suffered some serious mental and emotional abuse, and maybe my being a planet-and-people-loving empath didn't give me thick enough skin to deal with it and therefore making it worse..........but holy hell......if I was an ancient Greek, I'd look up into the heavens for the group of gods that were playing 'Fuck Up A Life' with me as their gamepiece. You know, when I first read about your anniversary my first thought was: she's sensed increasing detachment on your part and she's trying to head it off. They are very, very sensitive to their victims detachment. My first wife was a past master. She used to play me like a yo yo. If I detached, she'd be nice. If I warmed up to her, she'd go all cold and walk off into the sunset with someone ... again and again and again. To my shame I must admit that I experimented on my second wife, after I first landed on EP. I got wise to the mechanism of aggressive passive behaviour. She'd walk off and not talk to me for 3 days at a time at some imagined injury, usually preemptive (in other words, the injury she was reacting to often hand only occurred in her visualizing what might happen in an hour, or tomorrow, or the day after -- or she'd actually engineer the 'transgression' and shut me out). So I went turn about. The moment I showed the slightest sign of detachment, of ignoring her and giving her the cold shoulder, of retreating into myself -- she'd become engaged, solicitous, caring. I only did this once or twice, because I actually consider doing that morally reprehensible, but I learned a shitload in the process. They are very, very sensitive when it suits them, when they feel their control slipping. Anyway, I can only reiterate what Bazz and others have said: you don't need to tell her anything, considering what havoc she's visited on you. Just don't come home from work one day. I think it will take you a while to get your emotions straightened out if/when/after you manage your getaway. (how about you hire a getaway driver? With a fast car!) |
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Post by legoman on Jul 10, 2016 6:37:14 GMT -5
It was just so out of character for her. I give anyone props for speaking up, but this just went against the last ten years of things she's said to me and how she's treated me. I am so checked out, though....I felt my heart literally go dead (a tangible 'snap' feeling after she told me the reason she wouldn't add me as a FB friend was because of how I might act to posts she receives from male friends -- now, I know they're not bad msgs, these are all people in her activity group, and every other member of BOTH families is on her friend list) about four years ago. I have zero desire for her and zero desire to try and salvage something that just isn't there, where it should be, in the heart. I think something has just dawned on her after all this time.....that I could leave. I've done the 180 TWICE over the past six or seven years..... I just know a leopard doesn't change its spots......and you can't take back all the criticisms and judgments and cruelty (if I want sex, I can see a prostitute? Really? From my own WIFE?) Sorry, everyone, I have suffered some serious mental and emotional abuse, and maybe my being a planet-and-people-loving empath didn't give me thick enough skin to deal with it and therefore making it worse..........but holy hell......if I was an ancient Greek, I'd look up into the heavens for the group of gods that were playing 'Fuck Up A Life' with me as their gamepiece. |
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Post by legoman on Jul 10, 2016 6:59:55 GMT -5
There are just so many similarities between your wife and mine, it's incredible. I appreciate your advice about getting out. You are not alone. And given all the similarities including my wife losing all interest after our child and turning into one cruel cold woman and me literally experiencing heart ache I'm thinking I might live this way until I can no longer get myself out due to emotional hurdles. For me I suffer just thinking of losing time with my child. in your case I feel like you have much more to gain now that your kids are away. You should just do it. Get out. Literally feeling the pain and heart ache I feel my life will be shortened by the chronic misery. Give yourself a chance at happiness. There is hope. Please don't let it eat you up alive. What have you got to lose? If you fear your children might hold it against you be open and talk to them. If they love you they will understand. If you can't tell her write her. And counseling and the support of close friends and family should help. Good luck.
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Post by mylastchance on Jul 16, 2016 5:38:18 GMT -5
Well, I have recoevered enough to post again. The last couple weeks have been the most painful of my life.......knowing that the responsibility for MY life is ALL mine.....and that I failed to get out when I wanted to.....the entire last year, every day, I'd think 'this is the day....' ... but on I went, locked up in a prison of my own making......when I failed two weeks ago, it meant another summer vacation ( a month) traveling with her.......we leave in a few days. Great. To fail one's SELF has to be the worst spiritual pain of all.
I have been thinking more about what she did/said on our anniversary and I agree with bbgirl......all she was really saying is 'despite the fact that there's no more romance or sex or passion, I love the life you are providing me and I want to work to make sure it continues'. What she said had NOTHING to do with me. Her fear of losing this lifestyle came out.......
Anyway, at this point I am working on totally letting go of everything......I researched myself into a corner, for years and years reading everything I could on all sorts of stuff I figured was relevant to finding the magic key.......well, after all that, I know there is no key at all.....and no answers that lie outside of myself. It's all in here. I've got all I need to get this done. My life is literally at stake......hopefully that's enough. I have set a new target of mid-October, at the latest. I just can't keep living like this. Wish me well.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2016 6:37:40 GMT -5
I just know a leopard doesn't change its spots......and you can't take back all the criticisms and judgments and cruelty ( if I want sex, I can see a prostitute? Really? From my own WIFE?)Sorry, everyone, I have suffered some serious mental and emotional abuse, and maybe my being a planet-and-people-loving empath didn't give me thick enough skin to deal with it and therefore making it worse..........but holy hell......if I was an ancient Greek, I'd look up into the heavens for the group of gods that were playing 'Fuck Up A Life' with me as their gamepiece. I missed your original updates while I was on vacation but I was so glad to see this pop up today, mylastchance . I was worried about you - all that narcissistic behavior takes a toll on an empath. To the first - she really said that to you? That kind of screams, "I want your money" to me. It's a cruel and heartless thing to say. I would think a comment like that would be enough to warrant divorce for any of the refused men here. Gentlemen of ILIASM, I'm telling you, if your wife says this to you - it's time to get out. She's not in it because she loves you. If she were, she'd at least try to meet your needs sexually. To the second, right there with you. It is a tough, tough road to be an empath and these seem to be especially difficult times for our kind as well. Empathic, in my experience, borders so close to codependent that I sometimes have a hard time distinguishing when I have gone so far in being compassionate, forgiving, and kind as to become a martyr. I quite literally can't see the difference. I can take a lot. I have taken a lot. I have an incredible capacity to forgive. Too much so. It's almost as if it were infinite. I have a love for all people, even when they've hurt me. Because I can go deep and see why they hurt me, and then, I wind up hurting for the pain they carry that drove them to hurt me in the first place. I love my husband. But he hurts me, all the time. And yet, I have compassion for him (and his own personal pain as yet uncovered in his mind, but which I can see). I have compassion for his side of the story. So much compassion, in fact, that I might just roll over and let him keep hurting me for oh, I don't know, the next 40 years? Because I do have the capacity (most days) to relegate my needs to the back burner and to just keep on taking it politely. I blow off steam here, but mostly, I take a lot of shit at home. Because I can. Sigh. Tough road, this. I'm so glad you updated though! Hang in there. And hugs from a fellow empath. There seem to be a lot of us here. |
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