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Post by toughtiger on Jan 1, 2024 23:35:40 GMT -5
for all you men whose wife is telling you they have no interest and claim had none before but you know different.... what was the trigger.?
why did they decide to gaslight or straight up lie.... there is a reason to say NO MORE ...........Also my bet is they are taking care of themselves sexually.
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i recently saw our issues were pent up hostilities......
I just recently just let go ...of all the petty issues i had with him ..... i see he is incapable of being better. It has lifted the anger i felt and i feel better health wise and about moving forward. Knowing it is OVER makes it lighter.
he almost burned our house down Sunday put a pot on stove then " forgot" ruined a pan ..... burns a lot of food cause he simply cannot multi task at home anymore gets on laptop or watches TV and cannot remember he was cooking. he told me he thought i would catch it ... told him i am not your MOM or your warden if you need a caretaker lets find one...
he bought me Christmas presents .... one was an item he bought for our daughter ( he bought a 2 pack ) so i get the left over one.... seriously he told me that
i mean fake it buddy tell me you thought i would like it too.... he is oblivious that being rude to me is not acceptable. He snuffs his nose while eating not just spicy food which is normal but all the time..... i cannot eat listening to a person snuff up all the time so we now eat separately
All petty annoyances i was frustrated with.
i was causing tension headaches and frankly thoughts of offing him.
Now i see if the denying of sex was reversed ... i would withhold based on pent up frustration.
Maybe I did something that he cannot let go of ........maybe that is part of his refusal to seek help to see if we could be sexual again..... i know we may not know what we did but it is clear spouses should share and communicate the real reason i think we all deserve that.
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Post by week5of35years on Jan 2, 2024 6:26:10 GMT -5
Hi toughtigeryou say "Maybe I did something that he cannot let go of ........maybe that is part of his refusal to seek help to see if we could be sexual again..... I know we may not know what we did but it is clear spouses should share and communicate the real reason I think we all deserve that." I also tried to get the reasons for being in a SM, and my W basically said she could not remember most of the stuff I was calling out (specific incidents etc) at first she said the reason she rejected my attempts to initiate sex was "because that was all I was after" but I think after a while reflecting on what I was saying and calling her out on and and her behaviour overall she conceded that when she physically pushed me away she rationalised it as ok because of some slight or offhand comment I had made the same day or within a few days.... so basically any minor trivial annoyance became a justification for pushing me away and refusing to have sex.... but that's the best I got to explain 32 yrs of rejection.... sucks right? I don't doubt she was pleasuring herself..... that's a trigger when she was basically telling me to "bugger off" but I have stopped (have tried) getting triggered by thinking about the past (because lets face it if you think about being cheated out of a sex life for so long.... it makes you bloody damned cross) and focus on my "current" now situation where we are having sex and communicating much better. Its not perfect and I have to say that isthisit may have been 100% right when she said that my W will never be desiring me or lustful for me or "into" me and offer me the same level of passion as I have for her, but I have to see if how we end up is good enough for me.... The tension and pent up aggression you feel is sexual frustration (or the result of it) and even satisfying yourself manually will only deal with the physical side and will not fix the mental need for stimulation and intimacy. I don't suggest any course of action as you are 100% in the right place to get all the options and support you will ever need! happy New Year BTW |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 2, 2024 6:45:23 GMT -5
This may be the wrong crowd to ask, but...
Ladies, can you tell if bodily changes have forced you to adopt new methods to get things working again?
Are there moves that don't do it for you anymore without explanation?
We also must entertain the possibility that the games of solitaire are curbing potential lust, the refuser knows it, and it's on purpose. There's no intent to engage their partner. Maybe with teh mind of forcing the refused to do something rash so the refuser is not "the bad guy".
As or getting a reason for why refusal happens?
It is possible they truly don't know what it is, even if there is one.
Baza and others do well to repeat that knowing why doesn't actually help all that much. IF they have a reason, they're not tryign to solve iot. Their lack of understanding of teh severity of the problem is the problem. When the refuser stays anyway, they presume they are correct in their assessment. (or are hoping refusers will leave)
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Post by h on Jan 4, 2024 6:29:50 GMT -5
Anytime we ever had any talks about it, her go-to phrase was "I'm just not that kind of person." as in she never was very sexual and I should have known that. (She never said as much before we got married but it was my fault for not explicitly asking because sex was an unnecessary extra and shouldn't be assumed in marriage.) Sex shouldn't factor into a relationship because in her mind, a marriage can be totally successful and happy with no sex AND she could still expect faithfulness.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 4, 2024 6:39:57 GMT -5
for all you men whose wife is telling you they have no interest and claim had none before but you know different.... what was the trigger.? why did they decide to gaslight or straight up lie.... there is a reason to say NO MORE ...........Also my bet is they are taking care of themselves sexually. Dr. PsychMom attributes much of this to women who were not very sexually charged becoming charged by the "honeymoon phase". After a few years, they settle back to where they were beforehand. If they didn't touch themselves before, they don't know and don't feel randy before or after. You married them while their natural hormonal flux made them temporarily sexual. The "trigger" can be a straw that breaks the camel's back. Something that bothered the refuser and they choose to unload the truth because they feel like you've become less of a prize to lose and they might earn some peace. It can be guilt. They know you keep asking and they refuse repeatedly so explaining it's them, not you, is seen as an act of kindness. Which it kind of is...but doesn't solve the issue of wretchedly mismatched libidos. |
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patrick
Junior Member
Posts: 21
Age Range: 70+
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Post by patrick on Jan 4, 2024 9:15:55 GMT -5
...but doesn't solve the issue of wretchedly mismatched libidos. Man that hits the nail on the head for most of us here!👍 |
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Post by aquacat on Jan 4, 2024 9:22:04 GMT -5
YVW, toughtiger You have every right to be angry, but try to choose not to, because odds are it will affect you more than it does him. You want a clear head because you are making important decisions. I have heard it said, holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You are so right about this. I've noticed that when I get bitter or irritated at her lack of desire for me, all it does is ruin my mood and my day but to her she doesn't even notice and she goes about her day. A good example of this would be yesterday. We had a few hours without the kids as they were at an after school activity and I had hinted several times that we would be alone and what could we do, etc. and she either ignored my subtle hints or was so oblivious to them she didn't realize what I wanted. She did notice however my mood had changed by the time the kids got home and she told me. I've got to do better about not letting her lack of desire or the lack of intimacy affect my mood so much. |
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patrick
Junior Member
Posts: 21
Age Range: 70+
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Post by patrick on Jan 4, 2024 9:48:34 GMT -5
I've got to do better about not letting her lack of desire or the lack of intimacy affect my mood so much. Easier said than done, eh? While I continue efforts to distract myself, that familiar feeling of resentment lurks in the background and disturbs my peace (and sleep). Open to suggestions on how to deal effectively with this…🤷♂️ |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Jan 4, 2024 9:55:03 GMT -5
I've got to do better about not letting her lack of desire or the lack of intimacy affect my mood so much. Easier said than done, eh? While I continue efforts to distract myself, that familiar feeling of resentment lurks in the background and disturbs my peace (and sleep). Open to suggestions on how to deal effectively with this…🤷♂️ It is a challenge. A few pointers - at least from my perspective (others experience will be different). Frustration and anger tend to bubble up when you reach your limit at times. Anger only adds fuel to the fire for distance and justification - so release that away from home in some other manner. Second, try to daily remind yourself that it really isn't about you, or your attractiveness - something is broken inside of the other person, how THEY choose to deal or not deal with THEIR problem is owned by them, not you. Be the best you can be for yourself, while setting good boundaries. I have found that her moodiness and lack of desire when confronted by my IDGAF response has tended to mitigate a lot of the communication issues from her. |
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Jan 4, 2024 10:16:43 GMT -5
Easier said than done, eh? While I continue efforts to distract myself, that familiar feeling of resentment lurks in the background and disturbs my peace (and sleep). Open to suggestions on how to deal effectively with this…🤷♂️ It is a challenge. A few pointers - at least from my perspective (others experience will be different). Frustration and anger tend to bubble up when you reach your limit at times. Anger only adds fuel to the fire for distance and justification - so release that away from home in some other manner. Second, try to daily remind yourself that it really isn't about you, or your attractiveness - something is broken inside of the other person, how THEY choose to deal or not deal with THEIR problem is owned by them, not you. Be the best you can be for yourself, while setting good boundaries. I have found that her moodiness and lack of desire when confronted by my IDGAF response has tended to mitigate a lot of the communication issues from her. Absolutely.... They never ask what is Bothering you because they already know and change there tune to bs pleasantries 🤣 |
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Post by h on Jan 4, 2024 14:24:10 GMT -5
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patrick
Junior Member
Posts: 21
Age Range: 70+
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Post by patrick on Jan 4, 2024 19:10:16 GMT -5
Although it presents as counterintuitive to feel better my giving up hope, somehow it makes sense in this regard. I will have to ponder this a bit, thanks!🤔 |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 4, 2024 20:05:45 GMT -5
Although it presents as counterintuitive to feel better my giving up hope, somehow it makes sense in this regard. I will have to ponder this a bit, thanks!🤔 Another advocate for ditching "hopium". I gave up expecting intimacy from Mrs. Mirrororchid and decided to date others to see if I had a shot at getting intimacy from someone else My resentment dropped precipitously as soon as I was taking action to solve my problem. I hadn't even started earnest effort. Making the decision to no longer be sexless made my marriage okay in record time. I didn't hate my wife, but I was trapped by her. Once I freed myself, no more anger/resentment. I could see similar results arising from consulting with a divorce lawyer or starting to construct a social life outside your marriage to prepare for the excess time you'll have later. I feel a large portion of happiness is found in progress. If you advance towards a goal, you have a much better chance of happiness. Being trapped is the deprivation of the chance of progress. That'll getcha down, for sure. |
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Post by toughtiger on Jan 5, 2024 9:01:30 GMT -5
I will share my story.... i only had sex with spouse ... when he decided it was over part medical part he was ashamed by losing it midway ect...
totally OK but he thinks it is embarrassing etc.
when i met someone on another site who was in a sexless marriage .. we discussed many things .he asked me if i took care of myself gave me links to read about not a how to but explaining some items ......i found that worked ... i never had before had no need....
spoke to spouse about including vibrator or something as a couple to take stress off him etc he took it as if i had one he was off the hook for everything and bought me a gift card to pick something out was non refundable so i bought it.
This use and exploring what i like or might like to try .... increased my libido by a lot.... and i have no outlet but a toy that you can not hold or kiss etc now my libido is through the roof and he is dead in that area.
MAYBE if any of your wives learned more about themselves their attitude and libido would change .... even if they are older.
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Post by aquacat on Jan 5, 2024 9:58:24 GMT -5
I will share my story.... i only had sex with spouse ... when he decided it was over part medical part he was ashamed by losing it midway ect... totally OK but he thinks it is embarrassing etc. when i met someone on another site who was in a sexless marriage .. we discussed many things .he asked me if i took care of myself gave me links to read about not a how to but explaining some items ......i found that worked ... i never had before had no need.... spoke to spouse about including vibrator or something as a couple to take stress off him etc he took it as if i had one he was off the hook for everything and bought me a gift card to pick something out was non refundable so i bought it. This use and exploring what i like or might like to try .... increased my libido by a lot.... and i have no outlet but a toy that you can not hold or kiss etc now my libido is through the roof and he is dead in that area. MAYBE if any of your wives learned more about themselves their attitude and libido would change .... even if they are older. I've asked my wife if she takes care of herself in that regard and she tells me no, and the last time she did that was over 20 years ago. I believe her though as the only opportunity she would have would be in the shower and she doesn't take long showers. I can definitely see how taking care of it ramps up your libido as I've noticed if I don't do that after a while my desire dips. If I could only get to where I don't desire it anymore but alas that's an internal struggle I've had since the start of my marriage. |
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