Long time sexless marriage

Pretty much everybody is the hero of their own story. Even Jeffrey Dahmer reportedly thought of himself as a nice guy. So no one going to therapy thinks they are the villain or are unjustified in their actions. So, I don’t see therapy as a viable medium for couples. In my experience, you have several outcomes, none of which address the real problem.

The therapist picks a side in the argument.

One or both of the parties refuse to even acknowledge they have a problem.

One or both of the parties capitulate in the session, but only to please the therapist, and make no real effort to change their behavior, because they don’t see what they are doing as something wrong - it’s the other person at fault.

The therapy reaches an “impasse” - there’s that word again - after many costly sessions and you realize that you went in a circle with no change in the problem.

Asking, "Is there a cure for asexuality," is like asking, "Is there a cure for being sexual?" I'd bet that the asexual partner wishes there were a cure for their partner's sexuality. In reality, however, the "cure" is that since the two people are incompatible as romantic partners they should end or open their marriage. Couples therapy isn't going to change this situation. Individual therapy would help the sexual partner realize that they are never going to have a mutually fulfilling sex life with their partner. Accepting that fact would allow them to make a decision that would give them the kind of life they want.

I completely understand where you are - approaching 7 years of no sex and open discussion regarding the rejection, and how that effects our relationship.  She says it's not about me, but denying physical touch to someone you say you love is not love and incredibly selfish.  My recommendation, don't let it drag on and become the lifestyle - otherwise you will be facing an insurmountable challenge in getting back to intimacy.

Women rely on men not speaking about this openly because they would look emasculated, they get to hide their little secret and abuse - While men act like an abused spouse and make excuses for the abuse just like a battered wife does.  I am approaching the point where I am going to openly start saying what the problem is to her family and all of our friends and let her deal with the WTF are you doing situation.  Of course this will result in divorce, but forced celibacy is not a love relationship either.

" If she wants to ruin me for years to come then everyone will know why I'm leaving.

I honestly,truly,hope this works in your favor!!

However my years of experience shows that the only person who's going to deeply care or be interested in this will 'most likely' be your next intimate partner. Also so they can openly share their experiences with you and the two of you can 'connect' on how you've healed from your past trauma, as you move forward together.( I mean, who wants to make those mistakes again? Right?)

Other than that, most people could care less, have enough of their own problems, and will quickly drink the cool aid they're given.

The other SM spouse can/will manipulate conversations (like they've been a master at for years with you) by simply dismissing facts ,change the subject and start interjecting random lies and feelings.

Such as : I tried and he/she was never available. They where addicted to porn and cheated on me with porn. They are always mad and angry. They instigated the divorce. It was all about the money. I wasn't happy.  I had to do everything! They where never around when I needed them. They worked all the time. etc... etc...

Then they get "green grass syndrome" go out and hit the wall, and secretly wish they had you back!

Damm sorry brother... I guess that is it. Let's you know she doesn't care to work things out. Your better off. Start the exit plans and here is to a happier future without her...

Amazing how "awake" she'll be with the first 15 minutes of hearing from your divorce attorney.

aquacat said: "Women rely on men not speaking about this openly because they would look emasculated, they get to hide their little secret and abuse - While men act like an abused spouse and make excuses for the abuse just like a battered wife does. "

Men who are refusers also rely on women not to speak openly about this. After all, society thinks that all men are horndogs ready for sex all of the time. Rejected women fear that if they talk openly about their sexless marriages, others will think something is wrong with the woman. Maybe she is awful in bed or has some kind of horrible odor, or maybe she is some kind of nympho.

It was only when I started speaking openly about this to close women friends that I learned that I was normal to want sex; something was wrong with my husband for denying me sex for years; and the situation of going years without sex wasn't something that most of my women friends would have tolerated. Yes, they thought it was reason to be unhappy or even to leave the marriage.