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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 4, 2024 20:21:42 GMT -5
"The talk" isn't even on my radar right now. I don't want to coerce her into something I know she doesn't care about, we talked about my needs enough through counseling. Basically I want to tell her I'm done but we can be room mates until my son is off to university. My work friend that I had thought of getting closer with is not an option, I was recently moved to a management role above them. I hate being in this limbo. I think I want to congratulate you for rejecting bad sex. "The Talk" is for people interested in repairing a marriage. This can include the refuser's genuine interest. If they can't, they can't; but it is up to them to figure out why, or come up with a plan for you to help reignite actual interest in you physically. The refused can then accept, refuse, negotiate, or formulate a cost benefit schedule and proceed with skepticism. Limbo is a place where nothing happens. You, however, can do something. You can prepare your exit. Write up a will. Based on that, construct a Binding Financial Agreement with a Certified Divorce Financial Planner to make divorce as inexpensive as possible. It could take up a good part of the year getting those done, so you can hit the gate running when she runs out of time. Will this year spent for your kid's sake alter alimony? Sometimes a new tier is reached after a specified amount of time. I felt much better about my wife's drought of affection once I was planning and executing my future dating life. It can feel good to take command of your future. Yours appears to involve divorce. So, get started. If conditions change, it's a good thing to have a will made even if your marriage turns rock solid. |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Jul 7, 2024 10:01:32 GMT -5
"The talk" isn't even on my radar right now. I don't want to coerce her into something I know she doesn't care about, we talked about my needs enough through counseling. Basically I want to tell her I'm done but we can be room mates until my son is off to university. My work friend that I had thought of getting closer with is not an option, I was recently moved to a management role above them. I hate being in this limbo. I think I want to congratulate you for rejecting bad sex. "The Talk" is for people interested in repairing a marriage. This can include the refuser's genuine interest. If they can't, they can't; but it is up to them to figure out why, or come up with a plan for you to help reignite actual interest in you physically. The refused can then accept, refuse, negotiate, or formulate a cost benefit schedule and proceed with skepticism. Limbo is a place where nothing happens. You, however, can do something. You can prepare your exit. Write up a will. Based on that, construct a Binding Financial Agreement with a Certified Divorce Financial Planner to make divorce as inexpensive as possible. It could take up a good part of the year getting those done, so you can hit the gate running when she runs out of time. Will this year spent for your kid's sake alter alimony? Sometimes a new tier is reached after a specified amount of time. I felt much better about my wife's drought of affection once I was planning and executing my future dating life. It can feel good to take command of your future. Yours appears to involve divorce. So, get started. If conditions change, it's a good thing to have a will made even if your marriage turns rock solid. My pay is capped out right now but she's due for a big raise this year. So I think it's beneficial for me to wait. On another note, early in the day yesterday she mentioned it was time for a intimacy date that night. I went to bed around 10, she said she wasn't ready for bed and she went her office to do some writing. I figured she wasn't actually interested and went to sleep. When she did come to bed a couple of hours later she tried to cuddle with me but I just said no and went back to sleep. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 9, 2024 4:00:31 GMT -5
My pay is capped out right now but she's due for a big raise this year. So I think it's beneficial for me to wait. On another note, early in the day yesterday she mentioned it was time for a intimacy date that night. I went to bed around 10, she said she wasn't ready for bed and she went her office to do some writing. I figured she wasn't actually interested and went to sleep. When she did come to bed a couple of hours later she tried to cuddle with me but I just said no and went back to sleep. She'll say she tried. Safe to say you're not interested in fixing things? Cuddling likely is mandatory for uniting the flesh. Cuddling without the uniting can be pain. If she'd joined you at 10, or, better yet, dragged you upstairs at 9, would that have been "go time"? That's great news about the likely drop in alimony. Gonna get that will started? |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Jul 15, 2024 7:02:56 GMT -5
This patern of setting up an intimacy date and then canceling at the last minute happened again last week.
We had counciling session on Tuesday where the therapist really tried to say how important it is to keep promises and our scheduled date nights. We had agreed that Thursday would be our night.
Thursday night roles around and I'm in bed, she get into bed puts on her sleep mask and starts to drift off, I ask if we doing anything and she says no but maybe tomorrow.
I blew up, I let her have it. Told her all the crap I've been keeping in about how she doesn't care about my needs, breaks promises and we're on the path towards divorce.
She was shocked. She tried to initiate the next day but I told her no and that I needed my alone time.
For the whole weekend she was trying to initiate but I just kept saying no and that was still angry.
Last night, I let her initiate, expecting a pity HJ again. Instead she put on some lingerie and started grinding me while kissing which led to real sex.
I guess this is the start of the hysterical bonding phase, I'll see how long this ride lasts. I don't expect it will last long but I'll enjoy it while I can.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jul 15, 2024 10:02:48 GMT -5
This patern of setting up an intimacy date and then canceling at the last minute happened again last week. We had counciling session on Tuesday where the therapist really tried to say how important it is to keep promises and our scheduled date nights. We had agreed that Thursday would be our night. Thursday night roles around and I'm in bed, she get into bed puts on her sleep mask and starts to drift off, I ask if we doing anything and she says no but maybe tomorrow. I blew up, I let her have it. Told her all the crap I've been keeping in about how she doesn't care about my needs, breaks promises and we're on the path towards divorce. She was shocked. She tried to initiate the next day but I told her no and that I needed my alone time. For the whole weekend she was trying to initiate but I just kept saying no and that was still angry. Last night, I let her initiate, expecting a pity HJ again. Instead she put on some lingerie and started grinding me while kissing which led to real sex. I guess this is the start of the hysterical bonding phase, I'll see how long this ride lasts. I don't expect it will last long but I'll enjoy it while I can. It will last as long as she thinks you are ready to divorce. You could save all that money on therapy and just have that conversation with her once or twice a month. |
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Post by isthisit on Jul 15, 2024 15:44:56 GMT -5
I blew up, I let her have it. Told her all the crap I've been keeping in about how she doesn't care about my needs, This was my favourite part. It is long overdue and may help the clueless woman understand what is at stake for her. Sure, you have told her, but if she is as talented at avoidance of what does not suit as my ex-H was, that won’t matter much. Now you have seen that blowing up with a clear articulation of the truth helps your wife to understand your perspective, keep it up. Be nice if you didn’t need to, but she is who she is. I am not sure I would enjoy making the most of sex motivated by pure undiluted self-interest rather than authentic desire for me, but we are all different. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Jul 16, 2024 12:21:30 GMT -5
Sex is not the only thing that matters in marriage, but the lack of sex winds up being the only thing that matters eventually.
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m76
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Post by m76 on Jul 16, 2024 13:11:49 GMT -5
Sex is not the only thing that matters in marriage, but the lack of sex winds up being the only thing that matters eventually. Yep, and as my wife said to me. "You wouldn't abandon everything we've built just over sex would you?". It just doesn't occur the refuser how important it is until it directly effects them as I've now discovered first hand. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 16, 2024 14:47:55 GMT -5
Sex is not the only thing that matters in marriage, but the lack of sex winds up being the only thing that matters eventually. Yep, and as my wife said to me. "You wouldn't abandon everything we've built just over sex would you?". It just doesn't occur the refuser how important it is until it directly effects them as I've now discovered first hand. I think that for many refusers sex has such a low priority that it is difficult for them to imagine their spouse would actually consider walking away from the marriage. Now lack of sex alone usually isn't the only thing wrong most of the time. In my own SM it was also the lack of reapect that came to play a signifigant role in my eventual pull away from the relationship. I expect each SM has more than one element of disfunction, not just the sexual component being missing. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 16, 2024 18:57:07 GMT -5
Sex is not the only thing that matters in marriage, but the lack of sex winds up being the only thing that matters eventually. Yep, and as my wife said to me. "You wouldn't abandon everything we've built just over sex would you?". It just doesn't occur the refuser how important it is until it directly effects them as I've now discovered first hand. Apocrypha may have already responded to that pithy dismissal of your simple human needs with the observation that refusers are equally ready to abandon everything you've built just over sex. All that therapy, yet the only thing that fixes a sexless marriage is a credible threat to monogamy (including post-divorce sex). Marriage counselors should have a much worse reputation than they currently enjoy. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Jul 17, 2024 7:09:38 GMT -5
Some truth here - all relevant to "The Talk":
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Post by csl on Jul 17, 2024 7:23:57 GMT -5
Sex is not the only thing that matters in marriage, but the lack of sex winds up being the only thing that matters eventually. Yep, and as my wife said to me. "You wouldn't abandon everything we've built just over sex would you?". It just doesn't occur the refuser how important it is until it directly effects them as I've now discovered first hand. That is almost verbatim from a blog post I wrote seven years ago: |
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Post by jaimereyes on Jul 17, 2024 13:58:43 GMT -5
I've been married for 25 years. 15 of those have been sexless. I stopped trying to initiate sex a long time ago but I did try once again about a year ago. Tried to talk about it and she basically said that its not something she's ever interested again and hopes that I still love her. I do... but I feel lonely. I'm still trying to decide if its worthwhile to stay with a friend or walk away. I have two teenagers, one in university. A divorce would likely ruin me financially. I think one of the most difficult parts of this is when the other partner minimizes or doesn't fully grasp the loneliness that comes with sexlessness. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Jul 17, 2024 14:56:51 GMT -5
I've been married for 25 years. 15 of those have been sexless. I stopped trying to initiate sex a long time ago but I did try once again about a year ago. Tried to talk about it and she basically said that its not something she's ever interested again and hopes that I still love her. I do... but I feel lonely. I'm still trying to decide if its worthwhile to stay with a friend or walk away. I have two teenagers, one in university. A divorce would likely ruin me financially. I think one of the most difficult parts of this is when the other partner minimizes or doesn't fully grasp the loneliness that comes with sexlessness. They don't grasp it or care, because most likely their needs are still being met by the rejected spouse |
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Post by jaimereyes on Jul 17, 2024 15:01:12 GMT -5
I think one of the most difficult parts of this is when the other partner minimizes or doesn't fully grasp the loneliness that comes with sexlessness. They don't grasp it or care, because most likely their needs are still being met by the rejected spouse Yes, my spouse has told me that she gets it and feels bad. Other times she asks how I feel lonely when we do other things together like watch tv or go on walks. |
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