m76
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Posts: 419
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Post by m76 on Mar 10, 2024 13:05:58 GMT -5
Our councilor scheduled 1 on 1's with each of us, mine was last week, hers is on Monday. During my session I flat out told the councilor if there's no regular sexual touch I will be leaving. I said probably not today, maybe not next week but I'm getting close to my limit. But even if the councilor puts a fire to my wife's feet. I can't make her do anything and if it's not fun and enthusiastic for her I'm also done. Worse then no sex would be half hearted pity sex. I totally agree with that ... bad sex is worse then no sex... I am just saying at what point does a refuser see that this is not a silly issue .........but a REAL deal breaker.....that saying maybe tomorrow is pouring gas on a fire. If she can really reflect on her issue on the one on one counseling .........she needs to see it is something she needs to deal with not say it is all on you to change. It should not be on counselor to tell her you are DONE and baby steps to prolong this is ..too little.... too late . it should never resort to that but i guess that is the end of game .... It's at a point now where I'm emotionally disconnecting to protect myself. I just can't be invested anymore. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Mar 10, 2024 14:46:31 GMT -5
That is understandable. I had this discussion with the Wife as we are going through Marriage / sex therapy. I am at the point where I am forced to distance myself and my feelings because of the constant and consistent withholding of affection and physical intimacy. I simply can't continue to live like this any longer - and I as much told her this. She got mad at me of course, but she has been told. Time will tell.
I feel for you.
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Post by isthisit on Mar 10, 2024 17:48:53 GMT -5
m76 , there is a searchable term, "hysterical bonding." It is a state of mind your wife is likely to go through once she realizes she is going to lose you, and if so she will become hypersexual and may actually enjoy her encounters. The bad news is, the emotion will fade as she gets comfortable and within three weeks or so she will be back in the same state of mind that has caused all this trouble in the first place. If I were you, and, yes, it happened to me, I would enjoy it, but not push for anything, and observe the cycle as it moves back to the normal nothing. With that confirmation, it will be time to prepare for that leaving thing. Yep, H attempted this when I told him that I could not be his wife. I felt differently than you ironhamster , by that point what I had longed for, for a good 15 years, felt pretty unwelcome and for the first time in a 23 year relationship, H got declined. We are all different and every situation is unique. |
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 10, 2024 23:01:33 GMT -5
I got to that "counter-refuser" stage a bit later, isthisit. After enough rejection, she wasn't in any way sexually appealing to me. I can still remember the event pretty clearly. We got in bed and she indicated it was just another bout of appeasement/duty sex. I instantly went limp, rolled off her and told her just how done I was and was never going to have sex with her again. She panicked and tried to jump start me, but I was pretty honest about being done. In an instant, what sexual appeal she had ever had was gone from me. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 11, 2024 6:13:08 GMT -5
m76 , there is a searchable term, "hysterical bonding." It is a state of mind your wife is likely to go through once she realizes she is going to lose you, and if so she will become hypersexual and may actually enjoy her encounters. The bad news is, the emotion will fade as she gets comfortable and within three weeks or so she will be back in the same state of mind that has caused all this trouble in the first place. If I were you, and, yes, it happened to me, I would enjoy it, but not push for anything, and observe the cycle as it moves back to the normal nothing. With that confirmation, it will be time to prepare for that leaving thing. Or unilateral opening of the marriage, let her leave if sex is so important she'd break up the marriage. When my wife reset, I was exceptionally skeptical and it was a great comfort that my prospective lover, Kathy, was married and polyamorous. If my wife had only lasted a few weeks or months, I could pick up the phone and pick up where I'd left off. She was never going to be "taken". (though polysaturation is a risk) That was useful to fully embrace my wife's reset and not let cynicism dampen my enthusiasm for what may have been hysterical bonding that waned to every three weeks, which I found tolerable. I always had that ripcord ready. Still do. |
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 11, 2024 19:09:31 GMT -5
I got to that "counter-refuser" stage a bit later, isthisit . After enough rejection, she wasn't in any way sexually appealing to me. I can still remember the event pretty clearly. We got in bed and she indicated it was just another bout of appeasement/duty sex. I instantly went limp, rolled off her and told her just how done I was and was never going to have sex with her again. She panicked and tried to jump start me, but I was pretty honest about being done. In an instant, what sexual appeal she had ever had was gone from me. I totally get this .... IF my spouse was fixed tomorrow so much time and bad feelings.......when i look at him do not see any glimpse of attraction... i listen to him talk it is like nails on a chalkboard i dislike how he eats and his attitude washed away any reason i was attracted... i simply put would not give him the time of day or a phone number if we met today and he asked me out. We do not notice it slipping away at first ................... sure classic basic looks may still be there ......... but the charm / the ability to make me laugh and emotional connection.... can make someone who is average look wonderful to a person ...but when that is gone it is gone..... and they look like a troll now. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Mar 12, 2024 7:53:29 GMT -5
Status Update: Been some really intense conversations and some confrontations with the Wife since our last therapy session. The next session is next week and the topic will be.... Lack of kissing and sexual contact.
Yes, that's right - these will be discussed, however we have been discussing exactly what the issue is - because I have essentially said I am considering moving out of we don't start having physical affection to match the words and other behaviors. She finally admitted that she is processing being angry at me for various reasons (mostly my displays of anger at stress and consistent rejection without any sort of explanation - yeah I know, not the best way to react) and how we disagreed with how to handle some of the issues in the past with raising the kids, etc..
But - after this, we spent the day together and wound up going to sleep cuddling. Still hugging me every day, hand holding also - but I see this as some progress given she hasn't touched me in almost 8 years.
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m76
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Posts: 419
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Post by m76 on Mar 12, 2024 8:18:14 GMT -5
Status Update: Been some really intense conversations and some confrontations with the Wife since our last therapy session. The next session is next week and the topic will be.... Lack of kissing and sexual contact. Yes, that's right - these will be discussed, however we have been discussing exactly what the issue is - because I have essentially said I am considering moving out of we don't start having physical affection to match the words and other behaviors. She finally admitted that she is processing being angry at me for various reasons (mostly my displays of anger at stress and consistent rejection without any sort of explanation - yeah I know, not the best way to react) and how we disagreed with how to handle some of the issues in the past with raising the kids, etc.. But - after this, we spent the day together and wound up going to sleep cuddling. Still hugging me every day, hand holding also - but I see this as some progress given she hasn't touched me in almost 8 years. Very glad, for you to see some progress. It's sad that when we do see process it's often only after the threat of leaving. |
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m76
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Posts: 419
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Post by m76 on Mar 15, 2024 14:36:30 GMT -5
Well... guess I pushed things too far.
Sent my wife a text at work suggesting we could have a shower together. Thinking i was being flirty and maybe get her thinking about it. I expected a no or and eye roll but...
Text I got back was "you're not repeating my boundaries and we'll talk when I get home".
Oh no! Is she going to cut off sex?
But, now that I've opened this door it might be the perfect time to talk about my not wanting to be celibate.
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m76
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Posts: 419
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Post by m76 on Mar 15, 2024 16:16:54 GMT -5
Well... guess I pushed things too far. Sent my wife a text at work suggesting we could have a shower together. Thinking i was being flirty and maybe get her thinking about it. I expected a no or and eye roll but... Text I got back was "you're not repeating my boundaries and we'll talk when I get home". Oh no! Is she going to cut off sex? But, now that I've opened this door it might be the perfect time to talk about my not wanting to be celibate. Update: Had the talk. She used the words " I hear you". She said just just needs a little time to figure things out. |
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catsloveme
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Dwelling in the possible
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Post by catsloveme on Mar 15, 2024 16:29:12 GMT -5
Update: Had the talk. She used the words " I hear you". She said just just needs a little time to figure things out. Good. How long does she say she needs? |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Mar 15, 2024 16:33:15 GMT -5
Good. How long does she say she needs? She didn't... My son is done high-school next year, that's when both kids will be away for school and I have no reason to stay in this house. |
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 16, 2024 1:09:13 GMT -5
Well... guess I pushed things too far. Sent my wife a text at work suggesting we could have a shower together. Thinking i was being flirty and maybe get her thinking about it. I expected a no or and eye roll but... Text I got back was "you're not repeating my boundaries and we'll talk when I get home". Oh no! Is she going to cut off sex? But, now that I've opened this door it might be the perfect time to talk about my not wanting to be celibate. Update: Had the talk. She used the words " I hear you". She said just just needs a little time to figure things out. Once again, a refuser hears but doesn't care. If she hasn't "heard you" by now, with your repeated expression of dissatisfaction, depression, and not to mention therapy sessions, she's trying really, really hard to not hear you. I mean, she doesn't even want to touch you at night unless she thinks you are unconscious, so there's no way she will ever flirt with you or think about it. I know I am being harsh, but she deserves it. Telling you...you, her husband, that you aren't respecting her boundaries when you text her a flirtation?? You might as well be a co-worker of hers. What a vile human being. The one positive is that it led to the talk, which hopefully gave you more confidence. And please do yourself a favor and look into your plan of escape. Her saying she needs time to "figure it out" means she needs time to figure out how to screw you over on the way out. Protect yourself. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Mar 16, 2024 7:43:13 GMT -5
That is a common issue - facing the same undefined timeline with my spouse - Therapy is challenging her to own it and deal with her pushing it off (so to speak). A lot of lip service to working on it happens, and then nothing from an effort after the first day or 2. Just head games and evasion.
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m76
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Posts: 419
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Post by m76 on Mar 16, 2024 7:56:14 GMT -5
Update: Had the talk. She used the words " I hear you". She said just just needs a little time to figure things out. Once again, a refuser hears but doesn't care. If she hasn't "heard you" by now, with your repeated expression of dissatisfaction, depression, and not to mention therapy sessions, she's trying really, really hard to not hear you. I mean, she doesn't even want to touch you at night unless she thinks you are unconscious, so there's no way she will ever flirt with you or think about it. I know I am being harsh, but she deserves it. Telling you...you, her husband, that you aren't respecting her boundaries when you text her a flirtation?? You might as well be a co-worker of hers. What a vile human being. The one positive is that it led to the talk, which hopefully gave you more confidence. And please do yourself a favor and look into your plan of escape. Her saying she needs time to "figure it out" means she needs time to figure out how to screw you over on the way out. Protect yourself. Ironically I've been having some really great chats with a couple of coworkers. But even though both seem willing to push the conversations more flirtatious, I'm keeping that dialed back. It is nice to know, that when I do split, I really think I'll be able to find someone that's a better match. So I have hope and no longer feel trapped. I'm sticking it out for now but my limit will be when my son is done high-school. If we're not in a fulfilling relationship by then, I'll have no reason to stay. |
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