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Post by isthisit on Mar 7, 2024 8:08:54 GMT -5
I am not aware of any woman who actively seeks a H or a relationship with a man because he is “superior” in any way. It is astonishing to me that this has crossed anyone’s mind. In other news, I successfully crossed the road today, all by myself. No-one, superior or otherwise, led me. I did it all by myself. Ya "superior" is a weird take. One thing though, for a lot of the men here that find ourselves in a sexless marriage we start looking for advice online, YouTube videos, reddit, forums like this, etc.. We often bombarded with alpha male type tutorials that say things like you can't please your woman if you aren't assertive and take charge. Minor example, tik toc video of two clubbing girls shaking their heads when the guy asks "do you want to come to the party?" Then enthusiastic nodding when he says "come to the party." I'm not saying it's right and I personally believe a marriage should be an equal partnership but this is what media tells us men should be like. I know in my personal case I may have contributed to the sexless marriage by being the "yes" man and just doing everything I was asked or told. I let the balance swing too far in one direction. Really? I do not engage with social media so I am oblivious to such things, it sounds pervasive. I think you’re being a bit too hard on yourself here, it isn’t your fault you are in a SM. (I am not implying it is the fault of your wife either.) Please try to be a bit kinder to yourself. It is good to reflect in life in general to inform future choices but don’t let this advance to self blame. You could have behaved in exactly the same way with another woman who adored you for your kindness and efforts in the marriage. That your wife became vile does not necessarily mean that you made mistakes. |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Mar 7, 2024 8:17:27 GMT -5
Sharing something sad that came out of my counciling.
I had said something along the lines of "I know my wife loves me"
The councilor cut me off and asked "how do you know that?"
Because she says it.....
And I stopped there, I couldn't think of anything else.
Just another day of self discovery and eureka moments.
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Post by isthisit on Mar 7, 2024 8:35:23 GMT -5
I am not aware of any woman who actively seeks a H or a relationship with a man because he is “superior” in any way. It is astonishing to me that this has crossed anyone’s mind. In other news, I successfully crossed the road today, all by myself. No-one, superior or otherwise, led me. I did it all by myself. Ya "superior" is a weird take. Okay so this is important. Believing one person is “superior” or needs to “lead” based on their gender as a male is absolutely misogyny and needs to be called out. I know many men, including my son, who feel this more strongly than I probably do. It is important because these latent beliefs can be unconsciously communicated as bias and it doesn’t come across too well to those of us living in 2024 and not 1953. I will give you an example from my own life. I was persuaded to go on a blind date by my hairdresser, who had told a single guy all about me as he was just wonderful and she knew we would get along. He was very keen to meet with me and was very attentive setting up the date. I met the guy in a bar and he was just as she described. He made me laugh, and was interesting and good company. We finished our drinks which he had bought and I asked him what he wanted and got up to go to the bar. Then it all went wrong. He said “I am not going to let you go to the bar.” I bristled at the “let you” part. I bristled a lot. He’s telling me what I can and can’t do? I tried to be reasonable as I knew the guy was trying to make a good impression and likely wanted to appear chivalrous. (He seemed really keen on me.) I gave him a nice smile but remained standing. “You’re very kind, but I am fine going to the bar, I do it all the time.” He was having none of it. “I am not letting you buy the drinks.” Oh, so still under the impression that there is a power differential here in his favour, and there really is not. I am now really pissed off- its patronising (I out earn this man under the table am quite capable of paying and can choose to do what I want) but I give him another chance. “I am fine buying the drinks thank you, it is only fair”. Fair being a clue to equity which is in play here but he didn’t seem aware of. Then the final nail was driven in. He was clearly not comfortable with this at all, and replied that he would much prefer to be the person buying the drinks. I now had the measure of the man. I sat down, and within five minutes he was looking at an empty chair as unfortunately, I had somewhere to be. The drink was untouched. He seemed quite into me and gave every impression that he enjoyed my company. He outright told me that I was very attractive to him. Then he ruined his chances expressing unconscious bias with the I’m not going to let you…. parts. Now many of you might think he is a hero. I thought f-that, no-one tells me what I can and can’t do. Anyone, in any context. It was the “letting you” bit that annoyed me. It felt controlling and his clear belief that it was okay to express that he was the one making decisions and my role was to do as I am told was more than I am willing to tolerate. I am sure had I outright challenged him with “so I have to do what you say?” he would have replied “of course not”. But it was there, under the surface, the belief that he has the power and that this would be welcomed. It really wasn’t. I have told this story so many times and every woman has replied “cheeky bastard, who does he think he is?” So, they aren’t hankering for a “superior” man to shelter them from life either. Equity and respect doesn’t seem a lot to ask for. |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Mar 7, 2024 8:43:59 GMT -5
Ya "superior" is a weird take. Okay so this is important. Believing one person is “superior” or needs to “lead” based on their gender as a male is absolutely misogyny and needs to be called out. I know many men, including my son, who feel this more strongly than I probably do. It is important because these latent beliefs can be unconsciously communicated as bias and it doesn’t come across too well to those of us living in 2024 and not 1953. I will give you an example from my own life. I was persuaded to go on a blind date by my hairdresser, who had told a single guy all about me as he was just wonderful and she knew we would get along. He was very keen to meet with me and was very attentive setting the up date. I met the guy in a bar and he was just as she described. He made me laugh, and was interesting and good company. We finished our drinks which he had bought and I asked him what he wanted and got up to go to the bar. Then it all went wrong. He said “I am not going to let you go to the bar.” I bristled at the “let you” part. I bristled a lot. He’s telling me what I can and can’t do? I tried to be reasonable as I knew the guy was trying to make a good impression and likely wanted to appear chivalrous. (He seemed really keen on me.) I gave him a nice smile but remained standing. “You’re very kind, but I am fine going to the bar, I do it all the time.” He was having none of it. “I am not letting you buy the drinks.” Oh, so still under the impression that there is a power differential here in his favour, and there really is not. I am now really pissed off- its patronising (I out earn this man under the table am quite capable of paying and can choose to do what I want) but I give him another chance. “I am fine buying the drinks thank you, it is only fair”. Fair being a clue to equity which is in play here but he didn’t seem aware of. Then the final nail was driven in. He was clearly not comfortable with this at all, and replied that he would much prefer to be the person buying the drinks. I now had the measure of the man. I sat down, and within five minutes he was looking at an empty chair as unfortunately, I had somewhere to be. The drink was untouched. He seemed quite into me and gave every impression that he enjoyed my company. He outright told me that I was very attractive to him. Then he ruined his chances expressing unconscious bias with the I’m not going to let you…. parts. Now many of you might think he is a hero. I thought f-that, no-one tells me what I can and can’t do. Anyone, in any context. It was the “letting you” bit that annoyed me. It felt controlling and his clear belief that it was okay to express that he was the one making decisions and my role was to do as I am told was more than I am willing to tolerate. I am sure had I outright challenged him with “so I have to do what you say?” he would have replied “of course not”. But it was there, under the surface, the belief that he has the power and that this would be welcomed. It really wasn’t. I have told this story so many times and every woman has replied “cheeky bastard, who does he think he is?” So, they aren’t hankering for a “superior” man to shelter them from life either. Equity and respect doesn’t seem a lot to ask for. I haven't dated in a long time but I'm pretty sure if I was in a situation where my date wanted to buy drinks, I would probably just ask if she was sure since I offered to take her out. But if she said yes I'd just tell her what I wanted and say thank you, I'll get the next one  |
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Post by isthisit on Mar 7, 2024 8:47:44 GMT -5
I haven't dated in a long time but I'm pretty sure if I was in a situation where my date wanted to buy drinks, I would probably just ask if she was sure since I offered to take her out. But if she said yes I'd just tell her what I wanted and say thank you, I'll get the next one Absolutely perfect! Say, are you busy at the weekend? 😉 |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Mar 7, 2024 8:53:01 GMT -5
I haven't dated in a long time but I'm pretty sure if I was in a situation where my date wanted to buy drinks, I would probably just ask if she was sure since I offered to take her out. But if she said yes I'd just tell her what I wanted and say thank you, I'll get the next one Absolutely perfect! Say, are you busy at the weekend? 😉 Guess that depends on how I play my cards. Lol, but in all serious I'm starting to look forward to being free to test out my flirting game. |
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Post by isthisit on Mar 7, 2024 8:57:48 GMT -5
Absolutely perfect! Say, are you busy at the weekend? 😉 Guess that depends on how I play my cards. Lol, but in all serious I'm starting to look forward to being free to test out my flirting game. Atta boy! |
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 7, 2024 19:09:24 GMT -5
Sure, I'll keep digging my pit.
Some elements of superiority that may leave my viewpoint limited and worthy of adjustment/enhancement.
Height
Strength
Speed
Intellect
Life experience
Wealth
Income
Health
Physical Beauty
Skill Sets
Aesthetic Taste
Charisma
Integrity
Ambition
Endurance
Empathy
Generosity
Sensory Capabilities
Balance / Agility
Musical Affinity
Power of Observation
All these and more will be found in differing amounts and relative to the bell curve of both men and women.
Some will be more important to some than others.
Some come easier to husbands or wives statistically, by nature.
Should you have generous amounts of many, one might look upon such folk as superior in their nature, even as one dismisses the importance of such superiority.
If you come across a person in a coma since childhood and compare with an athlete or millionaire, perhaps we won't use the word "superior". I can use alternate terms.
I found the story of the domineering boor to be largely unrelated. I spoke of hypergamy, a preference for perceived superiority. His own views of his status were not in play. Your view of his status was. His obliviousness to your nature demonstrated a lack of tact bordering on mental illness; an inferior trait to be sure. You found the flaw to be revolting, completely consistent with hypergamy, though not incompatible with a person seeking equity; his having shown signs of being beneath your consideration.
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m76
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Post by m76 on Mar 9, 2024 20:43:33 GMT -5
Once again a date night scheduled. Once again she's to tired to cuddle, Once again it's pushed to "tomorrow".
I can't do it anymore. I'm done trying.
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 9, 2024 21:28:59 GMT -5
Once again a date night scheduled. Once again she's to tired to cuddle, Once again it's pushed to "tomorrow". I can't do it anymore. I'm done trying. if there's a silver lining to this it's that you are accepting your situation, learning that it's not you...it's her, and that you went far above and beyond to "compromise" you gave a mile and she gave you false hope. My experience on this site was full of wonderful people who encouraged me that I had far more going for me, and that I would experience a much better life single,and with a different partner. Also better for my kids. Hopefully this is a tipping point for you? |
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 9, 2024 22:56:14 GMT -5
Once again a date night scheduled. Once again she's to tired to cuddle, Once again it's pushed to "tomorrow". I can't do it anymore. I'm done trying. how does she not know this is it??? maybe she is pushing you because she does not believe it ....the counseling tells her she can keep prolonging it. At this point you should no longer try and ignore her make it clear you are moving on .... call her bluff.... |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Mar 9, 2024 23:48:07 GMT -5
Once again a date night scheduled. Once again she's to tired to cuddle, Once again it's pushed to "tomorrow". I can't do it anymore. I'm done trying. how does she not know this is it??? maybe she is pushing you because she does not believe it ....the counseling tells her she can keep prolonging it. At this point you should no longer try and ignore her make it clear you are moving on .... call her bluff.... Our councilor scheduled 1 on 1's with each of us, mine was last week, hers is on Monday. During my session I flat out told the councilor if there's no regular sexual touch I will be leaving. I said probably not today, maybe not next week but I'm getting close to my limit. But even if the councilor puts a fire to my wife's feet. I can't make her do anything and if it's not fun and enthusiastic for her I'm also done. Worse then no sex would be half hearted pity sex. |
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 10, 2024 9:07:02 GMT -5
m76, there is a searchable term, "hysterical bonding." It is a state of mind your wife is likely to go through once she realizes she is going to lose you, and if so she will become hypersexual and may actually enjoy her encounters. The bad news is, the emotion will fade as she gets comfortable and within three weeks or so she will be back in the same state of mind that has caused all this trouble in the first place. If I were you, and, yes, it happened to me, I would enjoy it, but not push for anything, and observe the cycle as it moves back to the normal nothing. With that confirmation, it will be time to prepare for that leaving thing.
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m76
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Post by m76 on Mar 10, 2024 9:12:29 GMT -5
m76, there is a searchable term, "hysterical bonding." It is a state of mind your wife is likely to go through once she realizes she is going to lose you, and if so she will become hypersexual and may actually enjoy her encounters. The bad news is, the emotion will fade as she gets comfortable and within three weeks or so she will be back in the same state of mind that has caused all this trouble in the first place. If I were you, and, yes, it happened to me, I would enjoy it, but not push for anything, and observe the cycle as it moves back to the normal nothing. With that confirmation, it will be time to prepare for that leaving thing. Yep I know about that. But I think when I say I'm going I'm gone. Probably easier said then done if she's actually trying to initiate. |
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 10, 2024 12:46:47 GMT -5
how does she not know this is it??? maybe she is pushing you because she does not believe it ....the counseling tells her she can keep prolonging it. At this point you should no longer try and ignore her make it clear you are moving on .... call her bluff.... Our councilor scheduled 1 on 1's with each of us, mine was last week, hers is on Monday. During my session I flat out told the councilor if there's no regular sexual touch I will be leaving. I said probably not today, maybe not next week but I'm getting close to my limit. But even if the councilor puts a fire to my wife's feet. I can't make her do anything and if it's not fun and enthusiastic for her I'm also done. Worse then no sex would be half hearted pity sex. I totally agree with that ... bad sex is worse then no sex... I am just saying at what point does a refuser see that this is not a silly issue .........but a REAL deal breaker.....that saying maybe tomorrow is pouring gas on a fire. If she can really reflect on her issue on the one on one counseling .........she needs to see it is something she needs to deal with not say it is all on you to change. It should not be on counselor to tell her you are DONE and baby steps to prolong this is ..too little.... too late . it should never resort to that but i guess that is the end of game .... |
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