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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 6, 2024 19:05:11 GMT -5
I actually said this - "You need to understand - masturbation is NOT a replacement for sexual connection in a relationship. It's the same as me telling you to go into the bathroom and talk to yourself if you want emotional connection - take care of it yourself. And see how satisfying this is to you." I received a shocked look, but progress was made finally.
Some people just don't allow themselves to think sex is on the same level and need as emotional connection.
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m76
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Post by m76 on Feb 6, 2024 20:24:23 GMT -5
I would agree with M76 there is a point where being supportive and friends is simply NOT enough.... Not sure if i think the min/ max limits are a good therapy idea as it could just be an excuse that "YOU KNEW her max...." she may have cried in session but i doubt she did not realize the damage she has caused.. i just do not see how it is possible for refusers to NOT see what they are doing.. crying breakthroughs are a show for the therapist IMO are all these breakthroughs coming as she is now well aware you are exploring your options and divorce is one option on the table..... it is amazing how many "just realize" when the divorce chess piece is on the board. For the min/max I'm worried about the goalposts moving, even from my side. After a week of cuddling and kissing I may say no that's not enough just as easily as she could say she thought she would be comfortable with kissing but isn't. Honestly I'm hoping for more but I'll see how it goes. Maybe I'll get lucky and the kissing will be enough to arouse her  |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 6, 2024 20:28:30 GMT -5
I actually said this - "You need to understand - masturbation is NOT a replacement for sexual connection in a relationship. It's the same as me telling you to go into the bathroom and talk to yourself if you want emotional connection - take care of it yourself. And see how satisfying this is to you." I received a shocked look, but progress was made finally. Some people just don't allow themselves to think sex is on the same level and need as emotional connection. Very well said!! This reminds me, sadly, of my now ex's excuse for decades of rejection and avoidance. "Since you masturbate and have looked at porn, you're not thinking about me, you are the one cheating, can't be trusted, aren't faithful, disobey God, etc.. etc.." I was so naive back then and half believed her!! And sadly accepted most of 'the blame' for my SM. Never really realizing how it takes two to have an emotional connection, and how little effort she put into it. If only she would have put near as much effort in the intimacy as she did avoiding it and coming up with ways to blame me? But I digress.. There's always going to be refusers that no matter how many "facts" prove them wrong, you wont trump their Narcissistic mind! On a happy note!! - I am still so thankful that I had a woman of 3 years that allowed me to share with her a relationship where there was so much daily sex and intimacy that masturbation/porn was totally irrelevant! |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 7, 2024 6:47:42 GMT -5
I agree - while discussing it with my Therapist (the same one we start marriage and sex counseling on the 20th) - I was completely honest - I do not expect sex 3-5 times a day (like I used to), not do I expect 3-5 times a week - but seeing as I am 59/60 and all things considered - I estimate that at least once a week is sufficient for maintaining our marriage - and if it's more, let's try.
I have been very clear with my wife that if this were just about the physical act of sex and release, I would have left her 10 years ago - so she needs to stop arguing about it being just an act - it's way more than just that.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 7, 2024 13:11:35 GMT -5
"I actually said this - "You need to understand - masturbation is NOT a replacement for sexual connection in a relationship. It's the same as me telling you to go into the bathroom and talk to yourself if you want emotional connection - take care of it yourself. And see how satisfying this is to you." I received a shocked look, but progress was made finally.
Some people just don't allow themselves to think sex is on the same level and need as emotional connection."
If one has to give this kind of explanation to a sexually experienced adult, they are probably either asexual, completely sexually turned off by you or they are lying about not understanding the emotional connection sex offers. They will never be sexually compatible with you.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 7, 2024 23:54:29 GMT -5
"I actually said this - "You need to understand - masturbation is NOT a replacement for sexual connection in a relationship. It's the same as me telling you to go into the bathroom and talk to yourself if you want emotional connection - take care of it yourself. And see how satisfying this is to you." I received a shocked look, but progress was made finally. Some people just don't allow themselves to think sex is on the same level and need as emotional connection." If one has to give this kind of explanation to a sexually experienced adult, they are probably either asexual, completely sexually turned off by you or they are lying about not understanding the emotional connection sex offers. They will never be sexually compatible with you. Yup. They listen to these alien words as if they've never heard the like, then they might even tolerate therapy to pass the time. Meanwhile, what is not happening during all of these talks and "therapy" sessions? No sex. Give you a little hope for the future while really giving you nothing. Refusers aren't clueless; they are deceivers. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 8, 2024 8:28:39 GMT -5
I actually said this - "You need to understand - masturbation is NOT a replacement for sexual connection in a relationship. It's the same as me telling you to go into the bathroom and talk to yourself if you want emotional connection - take care of it yourself. And see how satisfying this is to you." I received a shocked look, but progress was made finally. Some people just don't allow themselves to think sex is on the same level and need as emotional connection. Very well said!! This reminds me, sadly, of my now ex's excuse for decades of rejection and avoidance. "Since you masturbate and have looked at porn, you're not thinking about me, you are the one cheating, can't be trusted, aren't faithful, disobey God, etc.. etc.." I was so naive back then and half believed her!! And sadly accepted most of 'the blame' for my SM. Never really realizing how it takes two to have an emotional connection, and how little effort she put into it. If only she would have put near as much effort in the intimacy as she did avoiding it and coming up with ways to blame me? But I digress.. There's always going to be refusers that no matter how many "facts" prove them wrong, you wont trump their Narcissistic mind! On a happy note!! - I am still so thankful that I had a woman of 3 years that allowed me to share with her a relationship where there was so much daily sex and intimacy that masturbation/porn was totally irrelevant! |
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Missingout
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Post by Missingout on Feb 8, 2024 8:37:10 GMT -5
"I actually said this - "You need to understand - masturbation is NOT a replacement for sexual connection in a relationship. It's the same as me telling you to go into the bathroom and talk to yourself if you want emotional connection - take care of it yourself. And see how satisfying this is to you." I received a shocked look, but progress was made finally. Some people just don't allow themselves to think sex is on the same level and need as emotional connection." If one has to give this kind of explanation to a sexually experienced adult, they are probably either asexual, completely sexually turned off by you or they are lying about not understanding the emotional connection sex offers. They will never be sexually compatible with you. Yup. They listen to these alien words as if they've never heard the like, then they might even tolerate therapy to pass the time. Meanwhile, what is not happening during all of these talks and "therapy" sessions? No sex. Give you a little hope for the future while really giving you nothing. Refusers aren't clueless; they are deceivers. Exactly!!! They know what there doing. It is a control mindset. They have the control. Some people just don't like loosing control. Whether it's with drugs alcohol or an orgasm..🤣 |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Feb 8, 2024 8:43:34 GMT -5
Very well said!! This reminds me, sadly, of my now ex's excuse for decades of rejection and avoidance. "Since you masturbate and have looked at porn, you're not thinking about me, you are the one cheating, can't be trusted, aren't faithful, disobey God, etc.. etc.." I was so naive back then and half believed her!! And sadly accepted most of 'the blame' for my SM. Never really realizing how it takes two to have an emotional connection, and how little effort she put into it. If only she would have put near as much effort in the intimacy as she did avoiding it and coming up with ways to blame me? But I digress.. There's always going to be refusers that no matter how many "facts" prove them wrong, you wont trump their Narcissistic mind! On a happy note!! - I am still so thankful that I had a woman of 3 years that allowed me to share with her a relationship where there was so much daily sex and intimacy that masturbation/porn was totally irrelevant! I don't know if I agree with a lot of the views from this YouTuber. Her views seem to be from her own personal experience and doesn't necessarily reflect all sexless relationships. One thing is common though, for most couples in the early days sex is often and passionate and then seems to decrease the more comfortable they are. She describes it as a manipulation to lock in their good man. I would like to think that she enjoyed sex as much as me in the early days but if she didn't, that's a real gut blow too. |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Feb 8, 2024 8:49:20 GMT -5
Minor update on my relationship.
We've had a couple of intimacy dates now where the focus was on hugging and kissing.
I did enjoy it but I've realized that's not going to be enough for me in the long run. I keep hoping that the deep passionate kissing might arouse her... but doesn't seem to be.
We were driving out to dinner last night, and I had a moment of perfect clarity where it all seemed so simple and I was comfortable walking away. There's going to be some logistical and financial issues but I'd rather work until I'm 80 then live without affection and passion for the rest of my life.
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Post by toughtiger on Feb 8, 2024 8:50:47 GMT -5
i know the majority here are men who wives refuse ....
this picture of the "i got the man / had kids if wanted have financial security he can just take care of himself" . is sickening.....
have there been times i was not in the mood etc. sure but using sex only as a trap like a Venus fly trap is vile.
Funny thing is these women most likely would consider themselves feminist and the modern woman but this behavior sound like from the stone age.
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Post by deadzone75 on Feb 8, 2024 10:49:47 GMT -5
Minor update on my relationship. We've had a couple of intimacy dates now where the focus was on hugging and kissing. I did enjoy it but I've realized that's not going to be enough for me in the long run. I keep hoping that the deep passionate kissing might arouse her... but doesn't seem to be. We were driving out to dinner last night, and I had a moment of perfect clarity where it all seemed so simple and I was comfortable walking away. There's going to be some logistical and financial issues but I'd rather work until I'm 80 then live without affection and passion for the rest of my life. You say you enjoyed it, but did you get any sense SHE enjoyed it? I'm guessing not, otherwise the kissing would have led to sex. I'm glad you are at least starting to visualize walking away. The financial aspect is a nightmare, to be sure, what might or might not happen. But just think back to when you were 18 and living paycheck to paycheck without a care in the world. Be brave again, and you'll eventually come out on the other side, AND you just might get laid out of the deal. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 8, 2024 11:12:40 GMT -5
I don't know if I agree with a lot of the views from this YouTuber. Her views seem to be from her own personal experience and doesn't necessarily reflect all sexless relationships. One thing is common though, for most couples in the early days sex is often and passionate and then seems to decrease the more comfortable they are. She describes it as a manipulation to lock in their good man. I would like to think that she enjoyed sex as much as me in the early days but if she didn't, that's a real gut blow too. I respect your views and opinions. We all come here with different backgrounds, personalities, and experiences, with that said, I showed up on this forum back in 2016, and was unknowingly loaded with F.O.G ( Fear, Obligation, Guilt) and false hope. I'd like to think that i have matured, developed, and fortunately, found a wealth of solid information to help me make better life choices! For me,and my past situations , I find this woman's lessons/testimony 100% accurate/spot on......That's why I continue to share it! If it helps me, I'm hoping it can help you and others! Pulling for you, brother!! |
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Post by isthisit on Feb 8, 2024 11:33:17 GMT -5
Minor update on my relationship. We've had a couple of intimacy dates now where the focus was on hugging and kissing. I did enjoy it but I've realized that's not going to be enough for me in the long run. I keep hoping that the deep passionate kissing might arouse her... but doesn't seem to be. We were driving out to dinner last night, and I had a moment of perfect clarity where it all seemed so simple and I was comfortable walking away. There's going to be some logistical and financial issues but I'd rather work until I'm 80 then live without affection and passion for the rest of my life. I remember those moments of clarity all too well. Where you realise the situation has run its course and is no longer sustainable. Scary as hell. But, it IS survivable. I was lucky, I had a confidante who understood (even though he was more stuck than I was and stayed in) and he helped me believe I could do it and get through. Others use a counsellor, friend, sibling. Maybe try to think of someone you can rely on to be invisibly by your side to share the difficulties and encourage you to believe you can do it. Also, please do not feel that there is anything wrong with you that your W is reluctant to even kiss you properly. It is all too easy to fall into this trap. It says so much more about your wife’s issues than it does about you, your attractiveness or brutally, fuckability. After my marriage I felt like the world’s most unattractive woman. Turns out this is not the case. It will be the same for you. Don’t let your marriage mess with your head. |
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Post by aquacat on Feb 8, 2024 15:10:35 GMT -5
It's funny you mention the clarity as I feel like I'm coming to that myself. My wife and I are just so far apart when it comes to intimacy. Her form of intimacy is non sexual cuddling and rubbing her back and neck when she has pains there. When it comes to sex she is very vanilla same foreplay all on her and one position waiting for me to finish. She wants nothing to do with oral, won't do any other position other than missionary/starfish. We've had so many talks/discussions/arguments over this that neither of us is willing to budge any more from what we want. I've caved in so many ways that the things I desire I can only fantasize. I can take care of myself but I feel so depressed afterward as I'd much rather do this with my wife. I'm tired of the attitude she has about sex.
I'm like you m76 in thinking that the financial hit may not be so bad in comparison to the rest of my life without the sex and intimacy that I want.
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