|
|
Post by toughtiger on Jan 24, 2024 8:58:41 GMT -5
Why do narcissists avoid kissing their partners? Narcissists do not enjoy kissing as much as most people do, because they lack empathy and the ability to genuinely feel. Kissing is an intimate act that requires emotional connection and vulnerability, which narcissists avoid Narcissists kiss only to fulfill their own needs, such as getting attention, admiration, or validation from their partners. They do not kiss to express love, affection, or care for their partners. Kissing is a means to an end for them, not an end in itself Narcissists may have an aversion to kissing due to their fear of intimacy and rejection. They may feel insecure or threatened by the closeness and intimacy that kissing entails. They may also fear that their partners will see through their false self and reject them for who they really are Narcissists may avoid kissing because they are bored or dissatisfied with their partners. They may lose interest in their partners after the initial phase of attraction and idealization. They may also seek novelty and excitement from other sources, such as new or multiple partners, and neglect or devalue their current ones That explains a lot the only time spouse ever really kissed was at very beginning of our relationship .... i actually did not mind as he was/ is a terrible kisser. this post really speaks to me about what it actually could be. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jan 24, 2024 15:24:47 GMT -5
So I don't know what to make of this situation except to think that my wife doesn't really care about me. Last week we saw a couples councilor. The "homework" was to schedule some regular us time that would include physical contact. It could be something as simple as going for a walk and holding hands. So far my wife's suggestions have been to go out for dinner or go bowling. Which we did, but there was no touching. We had an unexpected free evening when my son was going to be out of the house so I suggested some cuddle time and she got angry because one of the therapist recommendations was that our "us" time be planned and this was not planned so we didn't do anything. Going to bed last night my wife once again put her pillow up against me to lean on me while she read. That was the closest touching in a while. So as much as I was hopeful for her to put in the effort with the therapist, I don't think she's really willing to make any changes. Here's a story that correlates with yours. It's good to know you're not alone, and the advice that's given at the end. |
|
Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
|
Post by Missingout on Jan 24, 2024 16:48:11 GMT -5
Love Dr John!!
|
|
m76
Full Member
Posts: 419
|
Post by m76 on Jan 24, 2024 17:02:10 GMT -5
So I don't know what to make of this situation except to think that my wife doesn't really care about me. Last week we saw a couples councilor. The "homework" was to schedule some regular us time that would include physical contact. It could be something as simple as going for a walk and holding hands. So far my wife's suggestions have been to go out for dinner or go bowling. Which we did, but there was no touching. We had an unexpected free evening when my son was going to be out of the house so I suggested some cuddle time and she got angry because one of the therapist recommendations was that our "us" time be planned and this was not planned so we didn't do anything. Going to bed last night my wife once again put her pillow up against me to lean on me while she read. That was the closest touching in a while. So as much as I was hopeful for her to put in the effort with the therapist, I don't think she's really willing to make any changes. Here's a story that correlates with yours. It's good to know you're not alone, and the advice that's given at the end. I watched a couple of his. One of them there was a woman that called in that described sex exactly like how my wife described it, where she likes it in the moment but has no desire or need and seems to avoid it. In hee case it turns out her husband is a bit of a controlling dick. I really don't think that's the case in my relationship. She often talks about how good of a guy I am. And I do so much for her around the house etc.... so I just don't know. I think the biggest hurdle is finding out why if she enjoys it in the moment, why would she avoid it so much when knowing how much I need it. |
|
|
|
Post by toughtiger on Jan 24, 2024 20:22:40 GMT -5
I watched a couple of his. One of them there was a woman that called in that described sex exactly like how my wife described it, where she likes it in the moment but has no desire or need and seems to avoid it. In hee case it turns out her husband is a bit of a controlling dick. I really don't think that's the case in my relationship. She often talks about how good of a guy I am. And I do so much for her around the house etc.... so I just don't know. I think the biggest hurdle is finding out why if she enjoys it in the moment, why would she avoid it so much when knowing how much I need it. I have not watched Dr John stuff maybe i will need to look into it. saw him on many dave ramsey shows i will say the "enjoy in the moment but not desiring it" i have had........... after he had turned me down so much.......... led me to think it was all me etc. ...made me feel worthless. . i wanted intimacy and sex and yet his small disappointing attempts just frustrated me and in the last few times in order to have any arousal i would fantasize about almost ANYONE else but him This is not to say that any husband here deserves that. ........It is just hurt and anger .........that we hold on and we want you to feel that way too. maybe for some other reason a person has an issue with their partner. On paper or in general my spouse looks good/ hard worker good provider / did lots of things for the family / kids .... funny sometimes and general out among friends or neighbors they think what a great guy ..... so M76 you are a good guy.....that does not change whatever she is suffering from .............. but something has caused a rift between you .... it may be something simple that is like scar and she knows it is there every time. my spouse turns off all charm as soon as we are alone ....expects my FULL attention if he is speaking ...........BUT rolls his eyes if i DARE tell him about my day .... has said right out loud what he needs is an assistant who keeps him organized and on time etc..... he thinks he is a great guy but making me feel small and insignificant ruined it.....Sorry does not fix that sort of disrespect or hurt ever. IF his penis ever worked again........ i doubt i could even fake it by closing eyes and pretending he was Anyone else. Then he would be here saying my wife won't ......... |
|
m76
Full Member
Posts: 419
|
Post by m76 on Jan 24, 2024 20:36:40 GMT -5
I watched a couple of his. One of them there was a woman that called in that described sex exactly like how my wife described it, where she likes it in the moment but has no desire or need and seems to avoid it. In hee case it turns out her husband is a bit of a controlling dick. I really don't think that's the case in my relationship. She often talks about how good of a guy I am. And I do so much for her around the house etc.... so I just don't know. I think the biggest hurdle is finding out why if she enjoys it in the moment, why would she avoid it so much when knowing how much I need it. I have not watched Dr John stuff maybe i will need to look into it. saw him on many dave ramsey shows i will say the "enjoy in the moment but not desiring it" i have had........... after he had turned me down so much.......... led me to think it was all me etc. ...made me feel worthless. . i wanted intimacy and sex and yet his small disappointing attempts just frustrated me and in the last few times in order to have any arousal i would fantasize about almost ANYONE else but him This is not to say that any husband here deserves that. ........It is just hurt and anger .........that we hold on and we want you to feel that way too. maybe for some other reason a person has an issue with their partner. On paper or in general my spouse looks good/ hard worker good provider / did lots of things for the family / kids .... funny sometimes and general out among friends or neighbors they think what a great guy ..... so M76 you are a good guy.....that does not change whatever she is suffering from .............. but something has caused a rift between you .... it may be something simple that is like scar and she knows it is there every time. my spouse turns off all charm as soon as we are alone ....expects my FULL attention if he is speaking ...........BUT rolls his eyes if i DARE tell him about my day .... has said right out loud what he needs is an assistant who keeps him organized and on time etc..... he thinks he is a great guy but making me feel small and insignificant ruined it.....Sorry does not fix that sort of disrespect or hurt ever. IF his penis ever worked again........ i doubt i could even fake it by closing eyes and pretending he was Anyone else. Then he would be here saying my wife won't ......... This seems to lend into what others have said since I joined this forum. Once the spark is gone and one partner no longer desires the other, the chances of regaining that passion is next to nothing. I didn't want to believe it. If it helps I'm pretty certain is issues really have nothing to do with you...they are his issues and he doesn't want to fix them or be open and honest what those issues are, there's not much you can do. |
|
|
|
Post by toughtiger on Jan 25, 2024 8:44:06 GMT -5
This seems to lend into what others have said since I joined this forum. Once the spark is gone and one partner no longer desires the other, the chances of regaining that passion is next to nothing. I didn't want to believe it. If it helps I'm pretty certain is issues really have nothing to do with you...they are his issues and he doesn't want to fix them or be open and honest what those issues are, there's not much you can do. I do not think anyone wants to believe it ........ I have an online friend and have developed feelings for and even though we just video chat i feel desire for him.... he is also in a sexless / bad marriage etc. WE both say all the time just talking and joking and having fun is so easy and makes such a difference in our attitudes and such......... WHY can we not revive or redo that with our spouses.?........ it seems so impossible .......this person my spouse seems so far away and unreachable. his issues are his but refusing to share or engage has killed any interest i had in helping him .......his refusal to help himself angers me ...........maybe he thought i would do cartwheels and back flips to try to fix but i cannot fix this. i often wish i could stumble across what he would post about our marriage and see what he refuses to tell me. find out what he really feels ........ why can we not talk with the person we thought we could forever. |
|
Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
|
Post by Missingout on Jan 25, 2024 8:58:14 GMT -5
This seems to lend into what others have said since I joined this forum. Once the spark is gone and one partner no longer desires the other, the chances of regaining that passion is next to nothing. I didn't want to believe it. If it helps I'm pretty certain is issues really have nothing to do with you...they are his issues and he doesn't want to fix them or be open and honest what those issues are, there's not much you can do. I do not think anyone wants to believe it ........ I have an online friend and have developed feelings for and even though we just video chat i feel desire for him.... he is also in a sexless / bad marriage etc. WE both say all the time just talking and joking and having fun is so easy and makes such a difference in our attitudes and such......... WHY can we not revive or redo that with our spouses.?........ it seems so impossible .......this person my spouse seems so far away and unreachable. his issues are his but refusing to share or engage has killed any interest i had in helping him .......his refusal to help himself angers me ...........maybe he thought i would do cartwheels and back flips to try to fix but i cannot fix this. i often wish i could stumble across what he would post about our marriage and see what he refuses to tell me. find out what he really feels ........ why can we not talk with the person we thought we could forever. Great question!!! Why is it Soo easy to unload our deepest thoughts and fantasies on this site and not able to communicate this with the one at our side. I to would like to hear what my wife would spill out on this site. |
|
m76
Full Member
Posts: 419
|
Post by m76 on Jan 25, 2024 9:09:07 GMT -5
I do not think anyone wants to believe it ........ I have an online friend and have developed feelings for and even though we just video chat i feel desire for him.... he is also in a sexless / bad marriage etc. WE both say all the time just talking and joking and having fun is so easy and makes such a difference in our attitudes and such......... WHY can we not revive or redo that with our spouses.?........ it seems so impossible .......this person my spouse seems so far away and unreachable. his issues are his but refusing to share or engage has killed any interest i had in helping him .......his refusal to help himself angers me ...........maybe he thought i would do cartwheels and back flips to try to fix but i cannot fix this. i often wish i could stumble across what he would post about our marriage and see what he refuses to tell me. find out what he really feels ........ why can we not talk with the person we thought we could forever. Great question!!! Why is it Soo easy to unload our deepest thoughts and fantasies on this site and not able to communicate this with the one at our side. I to would like to hear what my wife would spill out on this site. For me the answer is easy. When I've tried to talk to my wife about sex I'm made to feel selfish and guilty since it's not something she wants therefore I'm only thinking about myself. |
|
|
|
Post by toughtiger on Jan 25, 2024 9:33:19 GMT -5
For me the answer is easy. When I've tried to talk to my wife about sex I'm made to feel selfish and guilty since it's not something she wants therefore I'm only thinking about myself. Is it really that easy.... i think the thing is what would she say if she was talking to a friend or an anonymous thing like this.. with zero expectation you could see it ..we tend to monitor how or what we say to spouse... Maybe she would say....... for some reason her desire diminished........ but she feels selfish and guilty too................ as she knows her spouse wants more...... intimacy. Maybe some women could get tips and tricks or suggestions in treatments to change.... although some people get defensive about taking tips from those who do not have a deflated libido. |
|
m76
Full Member
Posts: 419
|
Post by m76 on Jan 25, 2024 9:39:57 GMT -5
For me the answer is easy. When I've tried to talk to my wife about sex I'm made to feel selfish and guilty since it's not something she wants therefore I'm only thinking about myself. Is it really that easy.... i think the thing is what would she say if she was talking to a friend or an anonymous thing like this.. with zero expectation you could see it ..we tend to monitor how or what we say to spouse... Maybe she would say....... for some reason her desire diminished........ but she feels selfish and guilty too................ as she knows her spouse wants more...... intimacy. Maybe some women could get tips and tricks or suggestions in treatments to change.... although some people get defensive about taking tips from those who do not have a deflated libido. That's a fair point, she may be dealing with other feelings. But what she has communicated to me is that there's nothing wrong with her and I need to change. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jan 25, 2024 10:16:03 GMT -5
m76: "
That's a fair point, she may be dealing with other feelings. But what she has communicated to me is that there's nothing wrong with her and I need to change."
If my refuser had been that honest, I'd have left our marriage sooner. She has told you clearly who she is and what you can expect. It's up to you whether that's a deal breaker.
|
|
m76
Full Member
Posts: 419
|
Post by m76 on Jan 25, 2024 10:28:33 GMT -5
m76: " That's a fair point, she may be dealing with other feelings. But what she has communicated to me is that there's nothing wrong with her and I need to change." If my refuser had been that honest, I'd have left our marriage sooner. She has told you clearly who she is and what you can expect. It's up to you whether that's a deal breaker. The weird thing is that during our couples counciling she's much more agreeable and has expressed interest in increasing physical intimacy and that she'd be willing to push her comfort level a bit. That got my hope up. The reality now is that she wants me to sit with her on the couch while she watches TV and scrolls on her phone or push her pillow against me while she reads in bed. I'm giving the counciling another couple of sessions and then I'll be throwing in the towel. |
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Jan 25, 2024 10:33:26 GMT -5
Great question!!! Why is it Soo easy to unload our deepest thoughts and fantasies on this site and not able to communicate this with the one at our side. I to would like to hear what my wife would spill out on this site. And what makes you think she would give up any reasons for her actions? She won't talk to you about it. It is unlikely she would divulge her reasons here. She may not even know why she acts as she does. But she will not seek conselling to get some help. The marriage may be going south in a hurry, and what has she done to turn it around? I am willing to bet , not much of anything. |
|
Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
|
Post by Missingout on Jan 25, 2024 11:04:48 GMT -5
Great question!!! Why is it Soo easy to unload our deepest thoughts and fantasies on this site and not able to communicate this with the one at our side. I to would like to hear what my wife would spill out on this site. And what makes you think she would give up any reasons for her actions? She won't talk to you about it. It is unlikely she would divulge her reasons here. She may not even know why she acts as she does. But she will will not seek conselling to get some help. The marriage may be going south in a hurry, and what has she done to turn it around? I am willing to bet , not much of anything. Spot on worksforme2 |
|
