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Post by lonelyhubby on Jan 10, 2024 9:13:56 GMT -5
"Is sex worth a marriage?" - I would say a better question is - do you really have a marriage without sex?
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 10, 2024 20:22:19 GMT -5
She equates my need for sex as seeing her as nothing more then an object to be used. |
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Post by csl on Jan 11, 2024 7:47:49 GMT -5
"She's noticed that I'bve been withdrawn..." -- "Well, what makes you think I will be any less withdrawn after tonight?" "I'm putting all the blame on her," and "once again I'm the bad guy." -- "So, instead of you being the bad guy, I'm the bad guy, for wanting a normal marriage?" "... that really hurt me." -- "And a sexless marriage doesn't hurt me?" She equates my need for sex as seeing her as nothing more then an object to be used. And her wanting you to be less withdrawn is using you to prop up her emotional needs. She has distanced you with her need for No Sex; if being withdrawn helps you, then she's got no call to make demands of you to support her serenity. |
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Post by csl on Jan 11, 2024 7:55:18 GMT -5
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Post by toughtiger on Jan 11, 2024 8:07:54 GMT -5
I'm holding off on setting a deadline because I know she will reject it and right then and there my marriage is over. What I want to explore, with the help of the therapist is if there's a way for possible physical intimacy without sex and will I enjoy whatever form that takes? But if she's not willing to take any steps at all to help me then I know it's over. The burning question that shouldn't be this painful... is sex worth a marriage? spouses who have a excuse to avoid just basic intimacy have said loud and clear the marriage is OVER. roommate agreement should be put in place.... i did with mine he though was a joke told him nope you are roommate not spouse. it is really sad the only excuse is lame reasons and they all want us to change. to suck it up find a hobby and forget sex. i have put a limit on my spouse saying well u need to change too... but could NOT articulate WHAT i was doing that could be changed...... other then just STFU about no intimacy. |
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 419
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Post by m76 on Jan 11, 2024 11:42:55 GMT -5
I've been thinking a lot, as we start our couples therapy (so far we've only met a therapist that we both agreed to, the real counciling will start next week). This is just a train of thought that I wanted to write down.
What I think it comes down to is my wife has asked me to give up sex forever, offered nothing in return and wants me to "compromise".
I have real issues about trying to ensure that everyone around me is happy and that their needs are met before considering myself. I think that type of selflessness is one of the best qualities in any person. But it's also led to family members taking advantage of my generosity.
If she was withholding sex maliciously this would be much easier, but since she's said she's asexual, I understand this is just who she is and i cant make someone do something that goes against eveything they are. Can I live my life, giving up sex forever for her, for anyone? That's the burning question that is so hard for me.
So I'm weighing the pros and cons now, what am I getting out of this relationship, what do I "need".
Last night she made an effort, the babiest of baby steps, she put her hand on my chest before bed. I held her hand and said thank you and after about a minute she rolled over and went to sleep. Can we build on this or is this what I have from now on? This definitely isn't enough.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 11, 2024 14:22:24 GMT -5
medium.com/@samanthablake26/this-is-how-to-take-your-power-back-b9d962a33741
I have real issues about trying to ensure that everyone around me is happy and that their needs are met before considering myself. I think that type of selflessness is one of the best qualities in any person. But it's also led to family members taking advantage of my generosity.I could have wrote the same line 6 years ago! I'd like to recommend this book for you. It will explain the "why' being the guy who wants everyone else happy and puts themselves last is making everyone miserable.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 11, 2024 19:51:19 GMT -5
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 419
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Post by m76 on Jan 11, 2024 20:24:35 GMT -5
Holy f**... just listened to that. Almost word for word my wife has said almost all of those, leaning hard on "would you destroy our marriage and abandon all we worked for over sex?" |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 11, 2024 20:36:00 GMT -5
Holy f**... just listened to that. Almost word for word my wife has said almost all of those, leaning hard on "would you destroy our marriage and abandon all we worked for over sex?"
Tell the "W" to stand in front of a mirror and ask herself the same question. ( Everyone on this forum knows the answer...a resounding YES!!!) But shes too busy deflecting.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 419
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Post by m76 on Jan 14, 2024 9:27:40 GMT -5
Little update.
As part of my attempts to create more physical intimacy. I had asked a couple days ago if we could spend some time cuddling and massaging as she had previously agreed to. Well of course the night that this was planned for she says, she's tired and just wants to sleep (this is a Friday night with nothing planned for Saturday). She then followed up sending me a text..."I'm not rejecting you". So being the nice guy I am I ask to postpone to Saturday, she agrees. Saturday night rolls around and she says she's tired again but she asks me to come to bed and cuddle while she reads. So, I get into bed she puts a pillow against me and leans into me while she reads.
Later on I had said that it was nice but wasn't enough, I want her to touch me. She then went on a rant about how much she is trying and I'm not adapting to her needs.
I guess there's nowhere to go from here.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 14, 2024 9:37:16 GMT -5
Little update. I guess there's nowhere to go from here. There is one place to go: It's called facing the truth. Sorry for the tough love brother! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 14, 2024 10:42:07 GMT -5
Think about raising your son when he was 10 yrs. old. "Son there's clothes all over the floor in your bedroom, I want you to clean your room today" -Mr. nice guy. Next day, clothes all over the floor. Dad -" son I thought I told you to clean up those clothes?" Son-" I was to tired, I'll do it today". Next day, son's clothes are still all over the floor. This goes on and on, day after day, dad eventually picks up all of the sons clothes, takes them to the laundry room, washes, dries,folds them and puts them all in away in his room, then vacuums the floor. Wheres the son? In the living room playing video games!! What a great dad! Hopefully you haven't done that to your son, instead you set boundaries. You gave him a deadline, with consequences. If your son chose to violate those boundaries you taught him another valuable life lesson, that your words have actions, and you followed through. ( took away his video games, took the door off the hinges, put all his clothes in a bag, made him buy them back ,by earning money, washing the dishes, mowing the lawn, etc...) The same goes for your wife who has no respect for you. ( and is acting like a spoiled 10 yr. old) You will regain that respect for yourself by no longer allowing her to ride right over your boundaries like a tank. I went through the same experiences and the best answer for the family and myself was the divorce .
Side note: My example is based on my own true story. My now ex W found me carrying the clothes all bagged up, insisted that I give them to her, she then physically grabbed the bag and me, she fell to the floor and called her dad to call the police! Her dad is practically deaf and nothing happened. I left the house and was advice-ed to pack a bag and get ready to move out before she falsely accuses you again. Of course she told the children how mean. mad, and angry your dad is. ( they believe that to this day) so be aware and be ready!
medium.com/@johnhenryy/women-are-like-children-trying-to-please-women-and-make-them-happy-will-drive-you-stone-crazy-3764e63b9d36 |
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 419
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Post by m76 on Jan 14, 2024 10:46:58 GMT -5
Little update. I guess there's nowhere to go from here. There is one place to go: It's called facing the truth. Sorry for the tough love brother! The truth is a tough pill to swallow but I believe you're right. |
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Post by aquacat on Jan 14, 2024 17:06:30 GMT -5
m76, my wife has said those exact words to me when I’ve brought it up too. It’s a never ending cycle so I’ve given up even trying.
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