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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 12, 2024 6:39:56 GMT -5
What's the latest with the surgery? Did he need much care from the surgery, or after? How awkward was that? Do you have a time line/escape plan that is coming soon? his procedure was called an abulation it either freezes or burns nerves in heart that are mis-signals causing a-fib..... they send a catheter up through the groin... same day you are released if you are not bleeding etc... very tricky as most a-fib patients take blood thinners... i was made to feel like his uber driver not hi spouse .... sad but true i was ready if things had gone bad and he did not make it. after surgery he had some bleeding i was sitting there as a pretty young nurse was applying pressure for 20 minutes to his groin LMAO had 3 plus nurses checking his groin every 15 minutes i realized have not seen that area for years ..... Went home he has not followed instructions but seems to be much better since he feels better and stronger......... he thinks all the time he he treated me like crap is gone now ... all OK while i do know that when i am ill or in moods i am not great to everyone but i owned my being less then great and apologized........ he pretends it NEVER happened. my online friend had a surgery and may not be ready to for me to meet up with him,,, has been a bit quiet..... i have a business trip coming up may be able to find a chance to have a bit of fun.... i have really shored up my funds since having my new job..... really happy with job so really want to stay in this area do not think he will move out may be roommates for awhile but i am no longer kidding myself it will revert to being a marriage. Thanks for sharing your story! Wow!...that's a lot to discuss... (others with experience in these areas can chime in) I'm glad, for your H, that his operation was a success! ( lets get that out of the way) God/life has a way of really putting things into perspective when life altering decisions come into play! It gives us time to pause, regroup, and reflect on our priorities, and our current and future goals! Doesn't it? (i'm currently un-employed and going through a bit of that myself!-but I digress) since he feels better and stronger......... he thinks all the time he he treated me like crap is gone now ... all OK while i do know that when i am ill or in moods i am not great to everyone but i owned my being less then great and apologized........ he pretends it NEVER happened.This reminds me of an analogy I heard the other day, it was telling men that 'this is how women (in general-the majority) think ' and be ready for it. I do know,from being on this site, that the opposite occurs,and men do this to their wives too.
Man asks woman out for a date, afterwards woman says ,that was great, what else have you got?
Man says lets go steady, woman says ,that was great ,what else have you got?
Man says lets move in together, woman says that was great, what else have you got?
Man says lets get married , woman says that was great ,what else have you got?
Man says lets have a big wedding, woman says that was great, what else have you got?
Man says lets buy a house together, woman says, that was great, what else have you got?
Man says lets have a few kids together, woman says, that was great,what else have you got?
Man says lets do lots of family trips,and activities together, woman says that was great, what else have you got?
Man says.....um..um... that's all I've got!
Woman says " that's it? I'm bored, I'm not happy. See ya...it's over." Hello greener grass Here I come!"The analogy went on to explain this:
Man asks himself ( and maybe asks the woman) what about all those things I did for you in the past? What about all those good times , and bad, that i put up with you? For better or worse? Your partner, the woman, ( in this case the man-so lets just say, the partner) your partner doesn't care about any of that! It never happened! it's in the past!
They are living in the here and now!! ( how messed up is that??) It sounds like narcissism... typical DARVO.. your H Denies, Avoids, and Reverses, plays the Victim, and makes you out to be the Offender. Here is a little personal story that I posted on here years ago , that hopefully will relate to yours: Close in time to my divorce I had a foot injury, it lead to a blood clot traveling up into my lungs. My now ex W ( wife at the time) was gone on a business trip. A neighbor took me to the hospital. She came back from her trip and met me in the hospital. I already had my "light bulb" moment of not caring at all if she was there for me, but I was concerned with, who was going to take care of all of my 6 teen and pre- teen children? And my aging F.I.L.? As I was being rolled into the exam room, I literally asked her " why are you even here?, just go home!" ( as normal she showed that she wasn't concerned about me, at all! More about the cost, the money$$$) Even if I wasn't going to make it (odds where 50/50) I wasn't interested in seeing her again. All went well, spent a week in the hospital. When I got home ,she was furious about " all the extra work she had to do, along with her job!" I told her " So...you'd think that you would realize ALL that I do for this family! And appreciate me? But no,all you do is complain! Go back to work , you just continue to pay the bills. I'm back and you're not needed with this family!" The kids could have taken care of themselves. What was needed was a lot of transportation to all their school/sports activities---they could have easily missed one week and everything would have been fine. it opened her eyes as to what a small part she really played in 'the family- never thinking about the marriage'. The roommate situation escalated, and then came the divorce. |
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 12, 2024 9:13:12 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing makes sense
when we went to hospital i found where he was to check in........ he was walking in circles will not ask for directions.... he had a co pay of a few thousands and he tried to pay with a debit card and it was declined as some debit cards have limits .......I PAID on my CC
went to surgical floor waiting when they called him back to get ready the nurse said i Could come back too .......HE said NO
took over 4 hours i sat in waiting room....... was a bit concerned dr told him 2-3 hours got a phone call from nurse asking me "are you still here ?"
Where would i go? Nurse told me i could come back as he was out of surgery.... he acted if i was unwanted there .... drove him home stopped and got a prescription and dinner
when home he threw the checkbook at me told me to pay my CC off it was hospitals fault a debit card has limits i guess.
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diode
Junior Member
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Post by diode on Mar 12, 2024 18:24:45 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing makes sense when we went to hospital i found where he was to check in........ he was walking in circles will not ask for directions.... he had a co pay of a few thousands and he tried to pay with a debit card and it was declined as some debit cards have limits .......I PAID on my CC went to surgical floor waiting when they called him back to get ready the nurse said i Could come back too .......HE said NO took over 4 hours i sat in waiting room....... was a bit concerned dr told him 2-3 hours got a phone call from nurse asking me "are you still here ?" Where would i go? Nurse told me i could come back as he was out of surgery.... he acted if i was unwanted there .... drove him home stopped and got a prescription and dinner when home he threw the checkbook at me told me to pay my CC off it was hospitals fault a debit card has limits i guess. :0 |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 12, 2024 21:13:57 GMT -5
He sounds very ungrateful, or totally naive to all that you do for him. Just another nail in the coffin? And a very immature attitude as well.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 13, 2024 4:45:32 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 13, 2024 6:05:22 GMT -5
Thank you for sharing makes sense when we went to hospital i found where he was to check in........ he was walking in circles will not ask for directions.... he had a co pay of a few thousands and he tried to pay with a debit card and it was declined as some debit cards have limits .......I PAID on my CC went to surgical floor waiting when they called him back to get ready the nurse said i Could come back too .......HE said NO took over 4 hours i sat in waiting room....... was a bit concerned dr told him 2-3 hours got a phone call from nurse asking me "are you still here ?" Where would i go? Nurse told me i could come back as he was out of surgery.... he acted if i was unwanted there .... drove him home stopped and got a prescription and dinner when home he threw the checkbook at me told me to pay my CC off it was hospitals fault a debit card has limits i guess. So..what do you think it would be like when it's the other way around? When you're in the hospital, a 50/50 chance that you might not make it? Would he even show up? Would he be lost walking in circles? What would your needs be? (I'll answer some of that-from my own experience mentioned before) You would need Attention! Physical and words. You're partner would be given an opportunity to set a shinning example for the family of what an intimate,caring partner would do. Everything else in the world can wait, you would be his first ,and top priority! And you did just that by waiting 4 hrs.!
Where would i go? Nurse told me i could come back as he was out of surgery.... he acted if i was unwanted there .... drove him home stopped and got a prescription and dinner.
The next 7 days that I was in the hospital I received more support (physical and verbal) from men at the church and neighbors. You know...surface relationship people, compared to the zero from my spouse! I think one of the hardest lessons from all of this ( A SM) is that it's okay to stand up for ourselves, to not be afraid to tell ourselves " dammit...I deserve someone else who will give me back even 10% of what I give to them! That is NOT to much to ask for !" And to remind ourselves of it everyday! Also to put ourselves with others who aren't afraid to ask and receive!
Thank you for being there for your Husband! You sound like a wonderful woman who has much to offer to someone who will give it right back to you! Enjoy what's left of your oncoming years and don't squander it like some of us have! |
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Missingout
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Mar 13, 2024 8:13:10 GMT -5
Curls to you tiger.. last week I had 2 deaths in my family. First was my uncle. He was my godfather. Told my wife when calling hours were and funeral. I took off work for those days and she said she would not be attending neither. Her father passed away 4 years ago and she said none of there family came to his funeral. I was flabbergasted as I know my godfather was there and she simply doesn't remember or care to be bothered. Stone cold. She still continues like everything is normal not worried about me. On my uncle's funeral day my stepdad passed away and she joined for the calling hours and funeral for him. Wife Never visited my mother when she promised to the day after. Stone cold.
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Missingout
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Mar 13, 2024 8:14:00 GMT -5
Kudos" toughtiger not curly😉
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 13, 2024 8:52:11 GMT -5
I know what is was like the other way around ... he was never there..he did drop me off at ER and returned to work....... the DR thought i had a stroke it was an ocular migraine .... his excuse is he has panic and anxiety at the thought of losing me and hates hospitals.
Our son is my in case of emergency as i have little faith in spouse.
The reality I face is I was not always speaking up for myself
Now that I am no longer silent about always getting the short end of the stick.. on support and emotional connection all the crap seems to be glaring on why the he11 did i stay.
I was dumb enough to think he would improve as our lives progressed.... my mistake to not see his Self centered and childish behavior was a set personality trait.
So many of us stayed thinking it was fixable and some now have serious fear and $ issues with starting over or losing half of a life we built. i work with a man still bitching about what he lost in a divorce 6 years ago....
I told spouse of all the items he has never done or improved on and I think I did not let the build up because we use to have a sex life and that was at a time a real connection we now no longer have. He has shut down since this end of sex and he will not talk to me about it. He has not talked to any doctor either was all excited that this procedure as it was suppose to get him off half the meds he is taking and hopefully that will help his little buddy.... it only cut 2 so far
and not the problem medication.
I feel like a B for complaining about an issue he does not have control of...... BUT the real thing is he could show intimacy others ways yet he hugs like he is a child forced to hug an old smelly relative at a family reunion.... as short as possible with lots space between us.
He let me believe it WAS me for years before admitting his ED issue ..... he knew it was wrong to do that and told me so ....but he thought his "sorry it was me " erased all the pain / self doubt and issues that caused.
I fell in love with an online friend i made at the deepest part of my depression about thinking all the SM issues was me.
He is like us is in a long term SM and he feels he should stay as the vows promised til death so that leaves no time for us ... unless i end up on a Dateline episode if he decides he cannot wait. Maybe he thought she would not last as she seems to have many health issues.
I have been on a video chat with him and listened to things she says / yells at him about.
I need to let him go too and be alone I guess. I feel most of the singles out there were thrown back for a reason... and the men i know a few that are in situations reversed of mine stay and a FWB thing seems like the best solution for both parties ..... my online friend is too far away to be workable
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Post by lonelyhubby on Mar 13, 2024 10:01:02 GMT -5
I wish you luck. ED issues can be helped - but he has to WANT to address it.
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 13, 2024 11:52:56 GMT -5
toughtiger said... I need to let him go too and be alone I guess. I feel most of the singles out there were thrown back for a reason... and the men i know a few that are in situations reversed of mine stay and a FWB thing seems like the best solution for both parties ..... my online friend is too far away to be workable I read this as your being open to a FWB given the opportunity. If that is the case I would suggest you put your profile on Ashley Madiso and perhaps some other married but looking dating sites. If you are anything other than ugly as a lap dog or big as a house you will undoubtedly be recieving plenty of hits from men, many of whom are probably in SM's. I am always taken aback when a woman who desires intimacy has trouble finding it. My experience is that it is because she does not activily pursue that intimacy; There are a # of reasons women do not open them selves up to sex outside the marriage, and i suppose for the women those reasons are valid. Maybe I am just a man with low inhibitions, but if I were a woman and I wanted intimacy, damn if I wouldn't go after it. |
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Missingout
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Mar 13, 2024 12:16:41 GMT -5
toughtiger said... I need to let him go too and be alone I guess. I feel most of the singles out there were thrown back for a reason... and the men i know a few that are in situations reversed of mine stay and a FWB thing seems like the best solution for both parties ..... my online friend is too far away to be workable I read this as your being open to a FWB given the opportunity. If that is the case I would suggest you put your profile on Ashley Madiso and perhaps some other married but looking dating sites. If you are anything other than ugly as a lap dog or big as a house you will undoubtedly be recieving plenty of hits from men, many of whom are probably in SM's. I am always taken aback when a woman who desires intimacy has trouble finding it. My experience is that it is because she does not activily pursue that intimacy; There are a # of reasons women do not open them selves up to sex outside the marriage, and i suppose for the women those reasons are valid. Maybe I am just a man with low inhibitions, but if I were a woman and I wanted intimacy, damn if I wouldn't go after it. My take would be that toughtiger would need to have a friend first and then the intimacy. Which I am searching for. And of course close by and not across the country. Is your special friend able to disappear for a weekend,? Or does his situation affect that. She sounds like a real peach. Maybe a trip is in your future if he is able to. Also the guy from your work that bitches about his divorce 6 years ago may have not been up to him. I know when I get divorced I will be much happier. |
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Post by isthisit on Mar 13, 2024 16:07:28 GMT -5
I know what is was like the other way around ... he was never there..he did drop me off at ER and returned to work....... the DR thought i had a stroke it was an ocular migraine .... his excuse is he has panic and anxiety at the thought of losing me and hates hospitals. Our son is my in case of emergency as i have little faith in spouse. Yep, I know how crappy that feels. I have told this story here before. I had a combo of viral meningitis and bacterial pneumonia and H did not notice I was ill. Apparently I “looked okay”. (I so did not look okay- I had altered level of consciousness, photophobia and my temp was 42c.) I had to call for my own ambulance to take me to hospital. When there I got an urgent CT, a lumbar puncture, an uncertain prognosis and was admitted to HDU. Unbelievably, H asked me to discharge myself, promising to “look after you”. Yeah, I chose that HDU bed on account of I couldn’t get my head off the pillow, was in blinding pain and didn’t want to die. Next time he visited me he bitched the whole time about how hard it was for him at home caring for his own young children (my mum did most of it as he was incompetent) and how much he was missing his job. Apparently, I was “over sensitive” for being upset at his behaviour. Because I was a fool I stayed for another 14 years trying to fix the marriage. That level of selfishness is just not fixable. My son is also my next of kin these days too. He is emotionally intelligent and unselfish. I’m in safe hands. |
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Missingout
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Post by Missingout on Mar 13, 2024 16:19:54 GMT -5
I know what is was like the other way around ... he was never there..he did drop me off at ER and returned to work....... the DR thought i had a stroke it was an ocular migraine .... his excuse is he has panic and anxiety at the thought of losing me and hates hospitals. Our son is my in case of emergency as i have little faith in spouse. Yep, I know how crappy that feels. I have told this story here before. I had a combo of viral meningitis and bacterial pneumonia and H did not notice I was ill. Apparently I “looked okay”. (I so did not look okay- I had altered level of consciousness, photophobia and my temp was 42c.) I had to call for my own ambulance to take me to hospital. When there I got an urgent CT, a lumbar puncture, an uncertain prognosis and was admitted to HDU. Unbelievably, H asked me to discharge myself, promising to “look after you”. Yeah, I chose that HDU bed on account of I couldn’t get my head off the pillow, was in blinding pain and didn’t want to die. Next time he visited me he bitched the whole time about how hard it was for him at home caring for his own young children (my mum did most of it as he was incompetent) and how much he was missing his job. Apparently, I was “over sensitive” for being upset at his behaviour. Because I was a fool I stayed for another 14 years trying to fix the marriage. That level of selfishness is just not fixable. My son is also my next of kin these days too. He is emotionally intelligent and unselfish. I’m in safe hands. Thank goodness for of spring raised rite!!! My daughter has voiced she will not wipe my ass. I said if it gets that bad please take me out back and shoot me. 😉 |
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Post by isthisit on Mar 13, 2024 17:03:11 GMT -5
Thank goodness for of spring raised rite!!! My daughter has voiced she will not wipe my ass. I said if it gets that bad please take me out back and shoot me. 😉 I feel the same unwillingness for my offspring to be providing intimate care for me if I get infirm. Trouble for me is that it is a lot trickier here to shoot people. 🤣 |
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