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Post by aquacat on Feb 21, 2024 10:52:08 GMT -5
We had another argument last night about sex. She says the reason she doesn't feel like having sex or being sexual with me is because I don't listen to her and she doesn't feel safe talking to me about it or being vulnerable with me with sex. I am the reason she doesn't like sex and the way she put it you would think I was a horrible person. In order to fix this she told me I needed to change and show her that I will listen and stop when she says no, but I already do that but I don't know why she thinks that. I'm done. How long have u been married? Mine is going on 23 years. And she still feels uncomfortable talking about sex? She gets angry and defensive. It's reminds me of an ostrich hiding its head in the sand.I don't know why I'm still here? About the same time as yours. I don’t get why she feels this way and I did ask. She makes me out to be some horrible person even though she says that’s not what she means. If another woman gave me any kind of attention I don’t know if I could ignore it this time. I’m basically at the point of running out the clock until we are empty nesters then making a decision. |
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Missingout
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Post by Missingout on Feb 21, 2024 10:59:06 GMT -5
How long have u been married? Mine is going on 23 years. And she still feels uncomfortable talking about sex? She gets angry and defensive. It's reminds me of an ostrich hiding its head in the sand.I don't know why I'm still here? About the same time as yours. I don’t get why she feels this way and I did ask. She makes me out to be some horrible person even though she says that’s not what she means. If another woman gave me any kind of attention I don’t know if I could ignore it this time. I’m basically at the point of running out the clock until we are empty nesters then making a decision. Doesn't seem like you can wait? Check out shamwow story here. If you haven't. I was thinking I could stay till then . My youngest can tell were not happy. She is 14. I'm working for late June or July to drop the bomb on her. |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 23, 2024 3:07:12 GMT -5
I am the reason she doesn't like sex and the way she put it you would think I was a horrible person. In order to fix this she told me I needed to change and show her that I will listen and stop when she says no, but I already do that but I don't know why she thinks that. I'm done. You are battling pre-judgement. It’s a losing proposition, and I don’t know a way to fix it. She’s built a mental image of you, and don’t let facts get in the way. I would get blamed for something she imagined I might do. If I gave a hug, I surely would only do it with the intent to touch her breasts or her butt and then I’d expect sex. So, “hugs are bad because I’m just doing it to get sex”. Because, apparently, your spouse finding you desirable after 30 years together is a bad thing. DC |
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Post by aquacat on Feb 28, 2024 22:27:45 GMT -5
Yet another argument tonight. She’s punishing me for stuff I did many years ago like ask her for a certain act and I tried telling her that I haven’t even broached that subject in such a long time so why am I being punished? She still says she doesn’t trust me when it comes to sex. If I want to rebuild the trust I have to tell her what I am going to do. I have never cheated but she makes me feel like I have. The way she describes me makes it sound like I forced myself on her. I’m still sitting here scratching my head trying to figure out what I’ve done to break any kind of trust?? She says I should know as she’s told me and that it just proves I don’t listen to her. While I was listening to her attack me despite her saying she was not and again I was playing the victim, it took all I could not to start crying. I already think she sees me as less of a man and crying in front of her would have made it worse. I’m depressed to say the least and honestly wish my desire for sex would just disappear permanently and me not even think about it anymore. I don’t want to have sex with her anymore as I have lost my desire for her. I have a lot of things to think about right now.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 29, 2024 7:22:45 GMT -5
Yet another argument tonight. She’s punishing me for stuff I did many years ago like ask her for a certain act... If I want to rebuild the trust I have to tell her what I am going to do... Punished for asking? Okay. Maybe she's right, your furry foot-fetish threesome was a bad idea, but where was the harm? If asking for sex stuff is an offense, do you have to tell her in advance what you're going to ask? How would that work? "Hon, I'm about to ask for something sexual, what day and time works best for your schedule? Should I bring you a cup of Chamomile first?" Sexless is one thing, aggressive gaslighting like this (I won't tell you because you didn't listen and you should invent a time machine to listen the first time I said it.) She has announced she won't help you fix things. Stick a fork in it, it's done, unless she's earnestly interested in fixing things. This may be a matter of her wanting divorce and she's offering increasingly mean, unsubtle hints/pushes/shoves. If you get a lawyer and plan out asset division and arrange a life for yourself, you can open the marriage and let her divorce you instead. She'll have to explain to anyone why you opened the marriage, or lie. Or maybe you want divorce now for your own sake by now. I've saifd before, a compatible roommate to share expenses with and lean on in case of emergency is valuable, if insufficient. |
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Post by aquacat on Feb 29, 2024 7:55:53 GMT -5
When does this turn into verbal and emotional abuse? She flat out blames me for why she views sex the way she does and said she finally had the courage to tell me why after all these years. I asked her how am I supposed to work on this if she doesn't want sex and her reply was who would want sex when we are arguing about it? I now feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her right now because anything I say seems to set her off. What the hell?? Where did all of this come from??
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 29, 2024 7:59:51 GMT -5
Agreed - One of the first conversations once my Wife opened up and discussed our sexless marriage was if I had done anything that she found offensive or abhorrent from a sexual standpoint - we discussed it in therapy also - the answer was no. And I have asked for things she was not comfortable doing or having done so a simple No sufficed and we moved on. I don't think that had any relevance to the SM we currently find ourselves in - but I see what aquacat's spouse is doing is massive gaslighting combined with a lot of DARVO
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m76
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Post by m76 on Feb 29, 2024 8:04:14 GMT -5
Agreed - One of the first conversations once my Wife opened up and discussed our sexless marriage was if I had done anything that she found offensive or abhorrent from a sexual standpoint - we discussed it in therapy also - the answer was no. And I have asked for things she was not comfortable doing or having done so a simple No sufficed and we moved on. I don't think that had any relevance to the SM we currently find ourselves in - but I see what aquacat's spouse is doing is massive gaslighting combined with a lot of DARVO Something similar came up in my therapy sessions. We talked about emotional bids, where one person request something and either gets that need met or not. We talked about the effects of those needs not being met. I specifically asked her if there were any emotional needs or bids I was not meeting. The answer was no. |
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Post by csl on Feb 29, 2024 8:10:59 GMT -5
Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but this is bothering me today. I don't like to push in my blog because of the religious bent I take, but this reminded me of a couple of posts I put up in 2015. If you hold your nose when I speak religiously, maybe you can get something from the contrast of Caspar Milquetoast and Patrick Henry. Go-To Marital Tools, #1Go-To Marital Tools, #2 |
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Post by aquacat on Feb 29, 2024 8:13:17 GMT -5
Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but this is bothering me today. I don't like to push in my blog because of the religious bent I take, but this reminded me of a couple of posts I put up in 2015. If you hold your nose when I speak religiously, maybe you can get something from the contrast of Caspar Milquetoast and Patrick Henry. Go-To Marital Tools, #1Go-To Marital Tools, #2A religious viewpoint doesn't bother me as my wife and I both are of faith. What bothers me is she knows what is considered biblical when it comes to sex and nothing changes. Thank you for this link as I will take a look. |
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Post by toughtiger on Feb 29, 2024 8:14:59 GMT -5
This sounds like she is gas lighting .... arguing because she has no defense so by fighting she thinks you will think you do not want to have sex when she is like that.... I sometimes wish these refusers had to explain to others instead of playing the victim ..... it is NOT about some request years ago.... it is unreasonable to play " can i touch your left arm.... your (X) and working your way to any sort of intimacy. In my opinion this IS emotional and often verbal abuse......if the shoe was on other foot because so many do not see the women doing this to her spouse. There must be a site that lists out ways to change topics and ask for crazy stuff .....as they seem to follow same playbook. There are many checklists on divorce and many lawyers will do a consult. At a certain point it is just time. I tried hugging spouse as a gesture as he is now going into surgery Friday and he was weird about it told me "he does not know what to do as I complained once about him petting my hair like i was a dog" this happened a couple of years ago ........ he scratched me behind the ear. He acted like he did not even listen then accused me of lying about it ....now it is reason for an awkward hug?  ? nope he is just running out of plausible explanations. |
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Post by aquacat on Feb 29, 2024 8:15:56 GMT -5
Agreed - One of the first conversations once my Wife opened up and discussed our sexless marriage was if I had done anything that she found offensive or abhorrent from a sexual standpoint - we discussed it in therapy also - the answer was no. And I have asked for things she was not comfortable doing or having done so a simple No sufficed and we moved on. I don't think that had any relevance to the SM we currently find ourselves in - but I see what aquacat's spouse is doing is massive gaslighting combined with a lot of DARVO I do see her gaslighting me and unfortunately it's working. She told me that my response should have been that I am sorry and I will work on it instead of getting defensive like I have been doing. How else was I supposed to react?? |
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Post by csl on Feb 29, 2024 8:20:39 GMT -5
Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but this is bothering me today. I don't like to push in my blog because of the religious bent I take, but this reminded me of a couple of posts I put up in 2015. If you hold your nose when I speak religiously, maybe you can get something from the contrast of Caspar Milquetoast and Patrick Henry. Go-To Marital Tools, #1Go-To Marital Tools, #2A religious viewpoint doesn't bother me as my wife and I both are of faith. What bothers me is she knows what is considered biblical when it comes to sex and nothing changes. Thank you for this link as I will take a look. Careful, now. Don't encourage me, or I just might start preachin'! Oh, what the heck; see if I am close with my post, Is You Marriage a Parlor? |
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Post by toughtiger on Feb 29, 2024 8:28:07 GMT -5
Agreed - One of the first conversations once my Wife opened up and discussed our sexless marriage was if I had done anything that she found offensive or abhorrent from a sexual standpoint - we discussed it in therapy also - the answer was no. And I have asked for things she was not comfortable doing or having done so a simple No sufficed and we moved on. I don't think that had any relevance to the SM we currently find ourselves in - but I see what aquacat's spouse is doing is massive gaslighting combined with a lot of DARVO I do see her gaslighting me and unfortunately it's working. She told me that my response should have been that I am sorry and I will work on it instead of getting defensive like I have been doing. How else was I supposed to react?? Honestly I hope you do not shrink into a "yes dear " mode and tell her straight up. The only end to gs lighting is to call it out.... IMO. Tell her in clear straight to the point how you feel about this.... sometimes you have to be blunt. Wow, It is out of line for her to tell you what your response should be.... caving in to this will NOT get you any closer to intimacy. It will only give her reason to try this again next time the subject comes up.... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 29, 2024 8:35:53 GMT -5
Agreed - One of the first conversations once my Wife opened up and discussed our sexless marriage was if I had done anything that she found offensive or abhorrent from a sexual standpoint - we discussed it in therapy also - the answer was no. And I have asked for things she was not comfortable doing or having done so a simple No sufficed and we moved on. I don't think that had any relevance to the SM we currently find ourselves in - but I see what aquacat's spouse is doing is massive gaslighting combined with a lot of DARVO Something similar came up in my therapy sessions. We talked about emotional bids, where one person request something and either gets that need met or not. We talked about the effects of those needs not being met. I specifically asked her if there were any emotional needs or bids I was not meeting. The answer was no. . And,with their track record can you even believe that?? They answer no, because if they did give you an emotional need that was not being met, they strongly fear that you will (and already do ) meet that need. Now what? They loose power and control over you. You can now say " You have a need and I filled it," A fact. Oh that's right facts get in the way of manipulation and control! Side note: Here in America my attorney constantly told me " it all depends on what judge you get". ( my alimony could be 3 times greater if I had a different judge). Also facts in a divorce 'should' overpower, emotional control and empowerment. Judges and attorneys don't take very kindly to a narcissist thinking they can "have their way with them". Finally a little bit of justice.
Yes ,the family court system in America has been stacked against men for decades, however as more and more women out earn men, more men are staying at home raising the children, more women are being arrested for violence,fraud, drugs, perjury, sex with minors, child abuse, etc... the pendulum is slowly swaying the other way. |
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? nope he is just running out of plausible explanations.
