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Post by greatcoastal on Feb 29, 2024 8:49:07 GMT -5
Agreed - One of the first conversations once my Wife opened up and discussed our sexless marriage was if I had done anything that she found offensive or abhorrent from a sexual standpoint - we discussed it in therapy also - the answer was no. And I have asked for things she was not comfortable doing or having done so a simple No sufficed and we moved on. I don't think that had any relevance to the SM we currently find ourselves in - but I see what aquacat's spouse is doing is massive gaslighting combined with a lot of DARVO I do see her gaslighting me and unfortunately it's working. She told me that my response should have been that I am sorry and I will work on it instead of getting defensive like I have been doing. How else was I supposed to react?? |
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Post by aquacat on Feb 29, 2024 9:06:46 GMT -5
I finally broke down and cried when I had a chance to be by myself. I have the same set of songs I listen to when I'm depressed and they remind me of just how worthless I am. I'm now back in a depressed mood after not being in one since early last year. Gotta tough it out though as I still have work to do and things to take care of but damn I am not looking forward to later today. It's days like today that I wish I had friends and family close by that I could talk to but I have no one that will understand.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 29, 2024 9:10:40 GMT -5
Try to shut out the reaction to fixate, ruminate and make it about you being worthless, etc.. That's the mental and emotional trap, you are not worthless and deserve to NOT be abused. This is all about your spouse and the rejection and abuse through rejection / avoidance that is taking it's toll on your marriage (what's left of it) and you personally.
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m76
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Post by m76 on Feb 29, 2024 9:27:11 GMT -5
I finally broke down and cried when I had a chance to be by myself. I have the same set of songs I listen to when I'm depressed and they remind me of just how worthless I am. I'm now back in a depressed mood after not being in one since early last year. Gotta tough it out though as I still have work to do and things to take care of but damn I am not looking forward to later today. It's days like today that I wish I had friends and family close by that I could talk to but I have no one that will understand. I have those moments too, it's part of the grief process that's not linear. Somedays I feel great and everything is clear next day I can be back in the depression stage. |
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Post by jim44444 on Feb 29, 2024 10:33:17 GMT -5
I do see her gaslighting me and unfortunately it's working. She told me that my response should have been that I am sorry and I will work on it instead of getting defensive like I have been doing. How else was I supposed to react?? You could just look her in the eye and tell her to "Fuck off". What is she going to do - not fuck you? She has shown you her hand, why are you afraid to call her bluff? |
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Post by aquacat on Feb 29, 2024 11:16:03 GMT -5
I do see her gaslighting me and unfortunately it's working. She told me that my response should have been that I am sorry and I will work on it instead of getting defensive like I have been doing. How else was I supposed to react?? You could just look her in the eye and tell her to "Fuck off". What is she going to do - not fuck you? She has shown you her hand, why are you afraid to call her bluff? Most likely because she knows if we divorce it would hurt me more financially. |
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Post by jim44444 on Feb 29, 2024 12:48:48 GMT -5
Most likely because she knows if we divorce it would hurt me more financially. Why are you selling your happiness and emotional health for 30 pieces of silver? Talk to a lawyer and a financial advisor about how you can separate with minimal financial grief. Use the system. A workable plan may take a year or two but would it not be better than floundering in your dysfunctional relationship? |
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Post by isthisit on Feb 29, 2024 13:43:34 GMT -5
Agreed - One of the first conversations once my Wife opened up and discussed our sexless marriage was if I had done anything that she found offensive or abhorrent from a sexual standpoint - we discussed it in therapy also - the answer was no. And I have asked for things she was not comfortable doing or having done so a simple No sufficed and we moved on. I don't think that had any relevance to the SM we currently find ourselves in - but I see what aquacat's spouse is doing is massive gaslighting combined with a lot of DARVO I do see her gaslighting me and unfortunately it's working. She told me that my response should have been that I am sorry and I will work on it instead of getting defensive like I have been doing. How else was I supposed to react?? I am speechless at the audacity of it. You have nothing to apologise for, your feelings are valid and she should care about them. You could call out her gaslighting, or you could patiently explain that sex and intimacy is a reasonable expectation in a marriage. Personally I like the eye contact and “fuck off” option as advocated by jim44444 . She might understand that. Yes, she will make a whole lot of noise about how terrible it is to be on the receiving end of that, but I bet she gets the message real good. I am afraid in my view she will never change, you’re wasting your time trying to reason with her. Escape and find your joy. |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 29, 2024 19:28:01 GMT -5
Why are you selling your happiness and emotional health for 30 pieces of silver? This is something that I have struggled with greatly. And not because of a fixation on money, but because it represents both a quality of life and years of life spent to earn it (and replace it, if even possible). We trade our lives and happiness for money all the time - it’s called having a job. If the price is high enough and the environment / duties are not too arduous, we’re willing to make that trade. So, it stands to reason that if the cost of leaving is too high, it might be the right choice to stay and endure an unpleasant situation. Likewise, if I give my wife 10 years of savings, then that is 10 years longer that I must work to have the same quality of retirement. I may not be so attached to the bank balance, but I’m very attached to having my retirement years. DC |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 29, 2024 21:48:40 GMT -5
Drycreek: "Likewise, if I give my wife 10 years of savings, then that is 10 years longer that I must work to have the same quality of retirement. I may not be so attached to the bank balance, but I’m very attached to having my retirement years."
Have you considered what if you die before you retire? None of us can count on tomorrow.....
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 29, 2024 22:01:53 GMT -5
Have you considered what if you die before you retire? None of us can count on tomorrow..... Well, yes, exactly. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, and I’d rather spend it retired instead of working. But if suddenly I don’t have the money to retire anymore, I lose that choice and the odds of dying before retirement increase. My point is that it’s not just a number in a bank account. It has real life consequences and for some people it’s a show-stopper. DC |
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 1, 2024 6:03:31 GMT -5
This sounds like she is gas lighting .... arguing because she has no defense so by fighting she thinks you will think you do not want to have sex when she is like that.... I sometimes wish these refusers had to explain to others instead of playing the victim ..... it is NOT about some request years ago.... it is unreasonable to play " can i touch your left arm.... your (X) and working your way to any sort of intimacy. In my opinion this IS emotional and often verbal abuse......if the shoe was on other foot because so many do not see the women doing this to her spouse. There must be a site that lists out ways to change topics and ask for crazy stuff .....as they seem to follow same playbook. There are many checklists on divorce and many lawyers will do a consult. At a certain point it is just time. I tried hugging spouse as a gesture as he is now going into surgery Friday and he was weird about it told me "he does not know what to do as I complained once about him petting my hair like i was a dog" this happened a couple of years ago ........ he scratched me behind the ear. He acted like he did not even listen then accused me of lying about it ....now it is reason for an awkward hug?  ? nope he is just running out of plausible explanations. Ever watched "Big Bang Theory"? Sounds like Sheldon Cooper. It smells of Aspergers/Autism. Emotionally clueless and wretchedly confused. Too much trouble for this to be an act. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 1, 2024 7:03:52 GMT -5
You could just look her in the eye and tell her to "Fuck off". What is she going to do - not fuck you? She has shown you her hand, why are you afraid to call her bluff? Most likely because she knows if we divorce it would hurt me more financially. If you're going to tough this meat grinder marriage out, then the "Eff off" bit will cost you a few weeks and may help you restore a little self-respect. The same may be gained by sleeping in the guest room and/or removing your wedding ring. If you think you may be willing to leave, as I've said before, you may want to do the opposite and commence gestures of goodwill, even if it's "going through the motions" and performing al these love languages with your brain, and not your heart. Begin building the peaceful, cooperative home you'll need for amicable divorce. Demonstrations of anger towards someone you profess to love (that is why you want sex, isn't it?) are justifiably off-putting and do not set a mood. While I agree with the sentiment of setting boundaries and building walls, the hostility may provide her with confirmation of her inexplicable refusal to demonstrate lovingkindness. I'd suggest you take the high road, but recognize and decide that this is a high road, away. Otherwise, it morphs into more servitude to an ungrateful shrew. Treat her well, as you always shall, the mother of your children and ex-wife and accept no more blame. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Mar 1, 2024 7:13:26 GMT -5
My 2 cents:
The reaction to be angry and lash out is natural - it is a secondary emotion resulting from the rejection (abandonment, hurt, etc..) - -I spent years pissed off, upset, irrational and not directly, calmly addressing the issue in a matter of fact way. Perhaps it could have been lessened (no way to avoid someone else's nature or choices) - but, no reason to put YOURSELF through the anger, pain and emotional roller-coaster if it is unnecessary.
If you can avoid angry outbursts and confrontation - I recommend it. If only for your emotional well being and self assurance that you are being rational and reasonable, regardless of which direction it goes.
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 4, 2024 4:49:10 GMT -5
The retirement issue is a valid one, on a case by case basis. My ex refused to work. As far as I know, she's still not working, but at least she's no longer extracting money from me. If I had stayed, I never could have retired. I could never accumulate savings to a point she wouldn't find a way to blow it.
But, I have a friend whose wife does work. His retirement is more secure, and he will spend his declining years in a separate bedroom with his porn rather than work a few extra years.
I hope we all find our happiness, whatever it looks like.
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? nope he is just running out of plausible explanations.
