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Post by dallasgia on Sept 26, 2023 8:20:14 GMT -5
This is such a miserable process - totally makes sense that we put off walking this misery road out the door for so very long.
The STBX ran straight to one of the kids and Villanized me. I had asked we tell the kids all together but he made his own plans.
Now, what do I do - I don’t really know how to tell the kids - who are all spread out in 4 different states. I don’t see a reason to burden them until a little later in the process.
STBX has not spoken a single word to me since receiving papers. Still living in the house - it’s so crazy making uncomfortable.
I really hope the other side of this is worth all this.
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 26, 2023 10:00:55 GMT -5
I really hope the other side of this is worth all this. We can't know what the future holds for us. But one thing you might take some courage from. The overwhelming opinion of those members here who have left their SM behind is that they are glad for having done so. I do not regret having ended my platonic relationship with my X. I have not enjoyed as much sex as I had hoped for but I would not go back. You hopefully will not have to endure a pandemic so meeting new males should be easier for you now than having ended your marriage 2-3 or so years ago. My X and I also cohabitated for a yr after agreeing to end things. NC requires a yr. of seperation before filing for divorce. It was not a comfortable time but I made it through, and so will you. You cannot control what your H does or says. Practice patience and in time you will have your chance to speak and explain your side to the children. Be truthful with out being malicious. You children are adults. They will recognise and understand truth when it is spoken to them. God bless..... |
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Post by flyingsolo on Oct 6, 2023 22:10:27 GMT -5
This is such a miserable process - totally makes sense that we put off walking this misery road out the door for so very long. The STBX ran straight to one of the kids and Villanized me. I had asked we tell the kids all together but he made his own plans. Now, what do I do - I don’t really know how to tell the kids - who are all spread out in 4 different states. I don’t see a reason to burden them until a little later in the process. STBX has not spoken a single word to me since receiving papers. Still living in the house - it’s so crazy making uncomfortable. I really hope the other side of this is worth all this. You may be surprised to learn that your kids may have already known how unhappy you are. When I filed, my kids (who are younger) were disappointed and sad, but they said they expected it was coming at some point based on how my ex and I weren't getting along. It wasn't a fun process to have to do and, in fact, it may actually be harder telling them than filing for divorce, but once it's done it's done and you can start moving on. My ex did something similar right after I told her that I had filed where she rounded all three of my kids up (my youngest was 11 and my oldest was 17) for a "family meeting" and said "Dad has something to tell you!". Mind you this is like 5 minutes after I told her I had filed. No "let's tell them together or figure out how we tell them". She sat there scowling at me and acted like it was all my fault. She didn't participate, she didn't admit any fault, she blamed all of it on me and sat there hugging my two youngest (girls) while I had to tell them and she acted like the victim in all of it. That for sure was the absolute hardest part for me. The actual filing for divorce was a weight off my shoulders and a relief. That feeling is how I knew I was doing the right thing. I can tell you being almost two and half years down the road from that point now, it does get better. Just make sure you are in a good place mentally and take care of yourself first for awhile. I had five years to prepare before I finally decided to file. It certainly hurt me financially to wait five years to file, but I know I wasn't ready to file earlier and it gave me five more years with my kids every day, which I look back fondly on now. Two of my three kids are doing very well and I have very good relationships with them. My middle child took it the hardest and it doesn't help that my ex continues to play the victim. I've been fighting with my ex for two years to get my girls into some counseling to help them process everything (why my ex doesn't want them to go is beyond me), and I think that is finally coming to fruition. However, it's been a long legal battle to get it done, but I won't ever give up on my kids. Stay strong, keep the faith. It will all work out. You will meet someone amazing and wonder "where has this person been all my life". Keep an open line of communication with your kids and allow them to ask questions if they have any. In the end, most kids just want their parents to be happy and around when they need them. |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 7, 2023 9:32:24 GMT -5
This is such a miserable process - totally makes sense that we put off walking this misery road out the door for so very long. The STBX ran straight to one of the kids and Villanized me. I had asked we tell the kids all together but he made his own plans. Now, what do I do - I don’t really know how to tell the kids - who are all spread out in 4 different states. I don’t see a reason to burden them until a little later in the process. STBX has not spoken a single word to me since receiving papers. Still living in the house - it’s so crazy making uncomfortable. I really hope the other side of this is worth all this. Mine was miserable and uncomfortable until I moved out. Then it was like a tonof bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. Then finding the new normal both living alone and navigating holidays. I promise it all gets better. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 10, 2023 5:52:54 GMT -5
... after I told her that I had filed where she rounded all three of my kids up (my youngest was 11 and my oldest was 17) for a "family meeting" and said "Dad has something to tell you!". Mind you this is like 5 minutes after I told her I had filed. No "let's tell them together or figure out how we tell them". She sat there scowling at me and acted like it was all my fault. She didn't participate, she didn't admit any fault, she blamed all of it on me and sat there hugging my two youngest (girls) while I had to tell them and she acted like the victim in all of it.... ...My middle child took it the hardest and it doesn't help that my ex continues to play the victim. I've been fighting with my ex for two years to get my girls into some counseling to help them process everything (why my ex doesn't want them to go is beyond me).... ... Keep an open line of communication with your kids and allow them to ask questions if they have any. ... My guess? A counselor will moderate any venom your wife is feeding into their ears. A therapist will attempt to nurture a more productive, healthy relationship to both parents unless the alienated parent is a psycho. This could be the opposite of what your ex would prefer. An impartial third party is counterproductive to her cause.
How to explain sexlessness to the kids. This needs it's own post. It's a sh*t move by the refusers, but silence helps them. Both before and after a split (or opening of the marriage). The questions kids have will be uncomfortable and having good, appropriate answers would help anyone on your and Dallasgia's journeys and everyone like you two. Spitballing... We've just heard about giving bad news to an 11 year old. This child knows about romantic love, in all likelihood. A suggested approach might be: In all sorts of movies, the hero and love interest struggle through some adventure or hardship. Overcome it together, perhaps only because of each other's help, and kiss on the lips, and it lingers... or they press faces together hard. Maybe several times in rapid succession. This is passion. This is romantic love. This is adult love. Snow White would not wake up if Prince Charming had given her a peck on the cheek. She might have stirred momentarily enough to sneer and mumble, "*pffft* please." Passionate kisses are not happening in sexless marriages, commonly. If they are, you can explain, that kind of kiss is accompanied by more intense love that follows after the movie is over. (Sometimes during and sometimes only because a pizza was just delivered) Those kisses and/or that intense love have not happened the way they are supposed to in houses with husbands and wives; married mommies and daddies. That love is what almost everyone wants and your mommy and daddy can't make it happen again, even though we've tried. A lot. We're lonely and need a prince and princess who kiss us that way. We may not find him and her, but we need the chance to try. Marriage is part of the deal and if mommy and daddy are married, princes and princesses won't find us. This needs to happen so "Happily Ever After" can still be possible. Does that make sense? Let the refuser explain:
They are not lonely, only the refused spouse is. Kissing passionately isn't important. Happily Ever After is a fairy tale and immature. Being unhappy in marriage, forever should be expected of you. |
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Post by flyingsolo on Oct 13, 2023 17:49:49 GMT -5
Well she is a psycho so......my girlfriend likes to use the phrase "her monkey, her circus" when referring to my ex. I like it and it fits. The ex is crazy. Always plays the victim. Never moves on. Will likely be single the rest of her life. More power to her. I enjoy being in a relationship with someone who values and enjoys being in one with me. That wasn't my ex.
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Post by dallasgia on Jan 29, 2024 18:03:16 GMT -5
1st mediation scheduled for Feb 21, 2024.
Navigating this road out has been very hard. I have had moments where I thought I should have just stayed.
Came here to read again the posts of those who have made it out. Drawing encouragement.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 29, 2024 18:06:11 GMT -5
1st mediation scheduled for Feb 21, 2024. Navigating this road out has been very hard. I have had moments where I thought I should have just stayed. Came here to read again the posts of those who have made it out. Drawing encouragement. Yeah for first steps!!! Keep us informed and ask for encouragement!! |
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Post by isthisit on Jan 29, 2024 18:10:05 GMT -5
Well done. It is horrible, but it is the most worthwhile thing you can do for yourself. Please have faith that things will get easier than what has gone before.
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 29, 2024 19:48:33 GMT -5
1st mediation scheduled for Feb 21, 2024. Navigating this road out has been very hard. I have had moments where I thought I should have just stayed. Came here to read again the posts of those who have made it out. Drawing encouragement.
Congratulations on the progress! I have many questions about your experience...
Mediation... is that because you couldn't come to terms yourselves? Or was that ever an option? Or is that why it took a year to get to mediation?
Will your lawyer demand court-ordered financial disclosures ("discovery") beforehand? It's how you will expose his accurate earnings history.
And I'm trying to recall... was it you who discovered the bag of money lying around the house? What became of that?
It is sooo easy to dig the hole a little bit at a time, and sooo hard to climb out at the end! Good luck!
DC
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 29, 2024 20:16:36 GMT -5
1st mediation scheduled for Feb 21, 2024. Navigating this road out has been very hard. I have had moments where I thought I should have just stayed. Came here to read again the posts of those who have made it out. Drawing encouragement.
Congratulations on the progress! I have many questions about your experience...
Mediation... is that because you couldn't come to terms yourselves? Or was that ever an option? Or is that why it took a year to get to mediation?
Will your lawyer demand court-ordered financial disclosures ("discovery") beforehand? It's how you will expose his accurate earnings history.
And I'm trying to recall... was it you who discovered the bag of money lying around the house? What became of that?
It is sooo easy to dig the hole a little bit at a time, and sooo hard to climb out at the end! Good luck!
DC
My divorce was well documented on here, back in 2018. Mediation was a BIG part of it... lawyers LOVE to give you raving statistics about the 84% success rate in mediation. ( there's a lot of $$$ in it for them) Sadly ,my manipulative,controlling, SM spouce used Mediation to draw things out so she could go from attorney to attorney ( 5 in all) while in the end hiding hundreds of thousands of dollars and assets. I'd suggest you make sure your attorney has the backbone to end it quickly and take it strait to the judge! The only negative is "it can all change by what judge you get" something a good attorney is well aware of and has previous experience in making that work to your favor. Even if it means going back to court with the right judge. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 29, 2024 23:04:36 GMT -5
Congratulations on the progress! I have many questions about your experience...
Mediation... is that because you couldn't come to terms yourselves? Or was that ever an option? Or is that why it took a year to get to mediation?
Will your lawyer demand court-ordered financial disclosures ("discovery") beforehand? It's how you will expose his accurate earnings history.
And I'm trying to recall... was it you who discovered the bag of money lying around the house? What became of that?
It is sooo easy to dig the hole a little bit at a time, and sooo hard to climb out at the end! Good luck!
DC
My divorce was well documented on here, back in 2018. Mediation was a BIG part of it... lawyers LOVE to give you raving statistics about the 84% success rate in mediation. ( there's a lot of $$$ in it for them) Sadly ,my manipulative,controlling, SM spouce used Mediation to draw things out so she could go from attorney to attorney ( 5 in all) while in the end hiding hundreds of thousands of dollars and assets. I'd suggest you make sure your attorney has the backbone to end it quickly and take it strait to the judge! The only negative is "it can all change by what judge you get" something a good attorney is well aware of and has previous experience in making that work to your favor. Even if it means going back to court with the right judge.
Sure, but states have different rules (e.g., minimum separation time), so I'm curious how it's a year later before mediation is starting for her.
Going to a judge isn't necessarily the best outcome, particularly when there are nuances like businesses, sentimental property, etc. 1:1 negotiation may be the best option, depending on the leverage and parties' ability to cooperate.
DC
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Missingout
Full Member
Posts: 244
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by Missingout on Jan 30, 2024 7:57:26 GMT -5
1st mediation scheduled for Feb 21, 2024. Navigating this road out has been very hard. I have had moments where I thought I should have just stayed. Came here to read again the posts of those who have made it out. Drawing encouragement. Hang in there.. you got this.. keep your mind busy, get out there and see new people and old friends during this process.. put yourself out there.. take some chances. Do things you thought you would never do before.. GET BUSY LIVING |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 30, 2024 8:17:20 GMT -5
1st mediation scheduled for Feb 21, 2024. Navigating this road out has been very hard. I have had moments where I thought I should have just stayed. Came here to read again the posts of those who have made it out. Drawing encouragement. Probably everyone who has escaped a SM has feelings along these lines. I missed my now X for a long time after the divorce. She wasn't a bad person, just not a good wife. Every step you take forward is a good move. Even a tentative step is still a step. You can do this and trust your instincts. They won't let you down. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 30, 2024 12:01:28 GMT -5
...I have had moments where I thought I should have just stayed. Came here to read again the posts of those who have made it out. Drawing encouragement. I hope you included some of your own. A lot of ILIASM folks who pull the pin seem to firm their resolve with their own history here. |
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