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Post by dallasgia on Feb 20, 2023 11:58:58 GMT -5
Just passed our 4 Year sexless milestone.
Been to the attorney.
Signed the retainer papers.
Have the emotional support wagons circled.
All that is left is to fund the retainer.
And, get this, on Jan 31 through shear accident I discovered his last Single paycheck was in excess of 130k - he never said a word so I have no idea if this is a rare or usual occurrence. He handles all finances (and pays the bills) but any money I need is from my earnings - there is no joint arrangement in that regard. He’s pulled 20k out in cash, paid off his vehicle, transferred 10k to a college fund, transferred 5k to some other unknown account, and otherwise succeeded in making over ½ that check disappear.
So, money to pay the attorney is sitting in the account today. I could also pay off my vehicle before I go. And, could pull out cash cushion to live a few months.
Yet, here I sit perched on this precipice frozen unable to just effing go.
He’s out of town- the more perfect scenario for leaving could not exist.
Damn my weak mousy self.
I feel leaving is a betrayal.
A betrayal to the family.
A betrayal to his bank account.
A betrayal of our marriage vows to God.
A betrayal of our way of life.
I am declaring here that I am going to act on this on Friday, Feb 24. That is my declaration. His bday is the 23rd and he is out of town moving his mom into assisted living so I feel harsh acting during this time so feel like I need the decency to at least delay until after his bday. Then, he returns two days later and I am positively terrified of facing him after my betrayal.
Venting here for record.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 20, 2023 12:10:56 GMT -5
dallasgia first thing I would do is fund your retainer then contact the lawyer and ask about paying off your car, and transferring the same amount he did to a private act. I would ask if you move out if it is abandoning the house and you lose equity or if papers are filed its ok. If you can run for it I would move out while he's gone. Speaking from experience the actual leaving was so hard and stressful so what's best for you. I planned on having an apt and moving out while he was at work a little at a time then the big move while he was at work. Un fortunately I lost my shit one day and announced it before I had any where to go. He made it so stressful I had a stroke. Leaving a dead marriage does not make you a bad person or the betrayer save yourself!
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 20, 2023 13:01:56 GMT -5
You need to see a lawyer ASAP, and you're right this is the best time. The lawyer also may need to to find info that will be easier for you to find with your husband out of town.
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Post by dallasgia on Feb 20, 2023 13:15:39 GMT -5
The attorneys in Dallas will not offer any advice until you fund the retainer. If I fund the retainer my hand is exposed.
I paid cash for an hour and attorney told me to pay off car & take cash cushion commensurate with what he took so far. Then, fund retainer (10k)
This entire process sucks from need to start to finish.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 20, 2023 21:33:16 GMT -5
I cringe that you need to do this.
A question one must ask is when one's spouse breaks a vow, whether keeping all our vows should be expected of us anyway?
How about if that vow is broken repeatedly?
What if more than one is broken?
What if broken vows are never atoned for or repaired?
Does it matter which one(s)?
The "forsake all others" vow seems to be grounds for automatic divorce for lots and lots of people.
Thing is, they say it's okay to divorce if he fails to forsake all others
Yet somehow it's not seen as breaking them if he forsakes all, including you?
I question the society that twists the vow that way after the fact and supports refusers so righteously, to the point of causing torment in wives with ordinary drive to physical intimacy like you.
It's not as though you're happy about it, or you haven't been patient, or made efforts to fix things.
Has Mr. Dallasgia loved, honored, and cherished you? Do all of those promises somehow reconcile with your expected, unwanted celibacy?
Is he loving you when richer? Or poorer?
Does he love your demonstrable good health? Or would it be more convenient if you felt sick?
Is your need for intimacy a worse he cannot commit to making better?
Just how many vows are intact on his side?
Maybe I'm painting too harsh a picture, but I'm unhappy with your self-flagellation.
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Post by baza on Feb 20, 2023 22:39:33 GMT -5
Good luck Sister dallasgia . The wind is with you at this time, make the most of it. Save all that self flagellation and who betrayed who thinking for later ... much later. It isn't going to help in the here and now. The mission is getting out. |
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Post by warmways on Feb 21, 2023 4:23:41 GMT -5
You’ve got this girl.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 22, 2023 7:02:11 GMT -5
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Post by shamwow on Feb 26, 2023 9:58:57 GMT -5
My only quibble is the advice from the attorney to pay off the car. If your husband is getting bonuses of 130k cash flow for him won't be a problem post divorce.
You on the other hand sound like cash flow could be an issue. Having your cash tied up in the car takes that cash and ties it up in an asset you cannot eat.
Divorce can be a long nasty fight. Flexibility and room to maneuver are king. I'd like to know the reasoning of the attorney on why you should specifically pay off your car.
Keep in mind, to a judge, your husband (who normally does the finances) got a bonus and paid off a car, funded college accounts, and did other things that from an outside observer, benefit the household.
Taking a chunk of money, spending it, and moving out prior to serving him could be seen as an act of bad faith / theft from a loving, doting husband who you left while he was off seeing his poor, sick mother. Blah blah blah. And are you planning on just taking the kids from him (without evidence of child abuse)? If I were his attorney I would be licking my chops.
If it were me, I'd take the money to find the retainer and get papers filed asap. Before he gets home, get a copy of every financial record you have. Get a copy of your credit report so you know what you're on the hook for. My divorce was in Houston so I have a bit of knowledge Texas divorce law. You won't get alimony here (unless you are profoundly disabled) so if the judge thinks you are acting in bad faith the division of assets could go poorly for you. It is a community property state but that assumes a STARTING position of 50/50. Bad behavior can alter that equation.
If I were your husband I'd drag this out, especially if you are cash poor. That retainer of 10k won't get you far at all. Hell, when BOC's refuser DIED during their proceedings, it cost us 5k just to shut the process down.
Sorry this isn't a "you go girl" post. I am happy you've made the decision to go. I just don't want you to shoot yourself in the foot on the way out.
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Post by dallasgia on Mar 1, 2023 12:58:03 GMT -5
I appreciate all of you and your advice so much - my head is spinning and I’m not thinking clearly.
I haven’t gone anywhere or done anything yet. Missed another deadline I set for myself.
I haven’t touched any money even though I found that elusive bag of cash currently 20k.
I’m still here just in what feels like purgatory.
He’s back from his trip. Zero words spoken to me at all. I found evidence he is back on his THC gummies and his behavior confirms - he is much nicer though still completely ignores me but at least he’s not being hideous. I overheard him telling a friend he is closing in on a car for the youngest who just totaled his. I have to eavesdrop as zero words are spoken to me and I don’t exaggerate. The other son is starting a month of hockey playoffs. Again, feeling this is not a time for a loving mother to disrupt their lives.
I will make it out. Intelligently, through y’all’s counsel plus the new counselor I just got plus the attorney plus my circle of support.
I read historical fiction - I recently finished a book about French women during WWII - I have such respect for those who endured so much - such strength . I’m fairly certain I would have died in the first wave. Feeling weak and meek and insignificant.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 1, 2023 13:29:35 GMT -5
I read historical fiction - I recently finished a book about French women during WWII - I have such respect for those who endured so much - such strength . I’m fairly certain I would have died in the first wave. Feeling weak and meek and insignificant. [/quote]
You are not weak, you are still standing, mothering, being everything you have always been to every body. I firmly believe when the moment as right you will get out. The excuses you've had will not be enough to hold you there. It took me along time . I regret the amount of my life I wasted but we can't go back after we learn we could have done it sooner and do it again. So whatever, whenever the exit happens will have to be good enough. The counseling will help you get out quicker. I wish I would have done it before not after but live and learn and pass on what I learned is all I can do now. I'm 5 years out and it just keeps getting better.
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Post by dallasgia on Apr 7, 2023 13:05:22 GMT -5
UPDATE
I summoned the courage, went to the bank with the plan to pull ½ of savings ($25k) $10k to attorney and $15k to weather the financial alienation.
Arrive to bank and am told that I am not on any of the bank accounts except one of the eleven.
ONE - the grocery account I maintain through my employment.
Not “his” account
Not “our” savings
Not any of the 8 accounts for kids (4 kids each with savings/operating.
Oh, but He IS listed on little grocery account.
How does this happen?
I can see it.
We married before internet. Dial up AOL chat rooms had just rolled onto the scene.
When I moved from small town Oklahoma I physically had to go to bank and close my account, obtain cashiers check and go to my new town & state to find new bank. When I merged accounts with him we chose his bank - another trip to bank to “add” me to him and fill out physical paperwork and signature card. Fast forward a year and we move to new town with new infant and freshly unemployed bread winner - stressful times. The money manager spouse states this time he will save me the trouble and go open account and bring signature card home and deliver back. Fast forward a few more years, few more kids and Bank of America rolls in and buys our little bank to which spouse handles all. Fast forward and introduce internet and online banking. In the beginning only one login per app so allllll these years later I am STILL logged in as him in the app - this is how I can see all accounts and spy on his embezzlement - all these yrs I just thought he thought I wasn’t checking. Now I think he thought I had no access to “his” accounts.
This all leads me to my awkward bank appointment to obtain ½ of a presumably joint marital account. Leaving empty handed and completely defeated.
Why am I surprised? I have never been on any car note, ETrade account, credit card (only authorized user-never joint). The better question is how would I presume I was on bank accounts?
Feeling defeated, trapped, and unable to fund my retainer. Of course the email to my unfunded attorney went unanswered on Maundy Thursday right before holiday weekend.
All the courage it took to simply get to bank.
Trying to hold the head up and square the shoulders - will not allow despair to smother me.
DallasG
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 7, 2023 13:20:30 GMT -5
Depending on where you live, all of the money -- including that only under his name -- is both of yours except for any inheritance. You really need to talk to a lawyer, I can't imagine that all of the lawyers in your area need a retainer. What about getting consultation at a legal clinic run by a law school? Also check on getting a referral from a place that serves battered women. Call them and tell them that you want to divorce your husband but he has changed all of your joint bank accounts to just his. I'm sure they can refer you to someone. Frankly, I believe your husband is talking to a lawyer as he prepares to take everything and leave you with nothing.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 8, 2023 23:42:36 GMT -5
Northstar Mom is right. It's ALL marital property.
Even inheritance can be in jeopardy. I recall one case where a spouse opened up a bank account using a few dollars of marital money, then deposited the inheritance they received. The attorneys successfully argued that the WHOLE account was marital property because the funds were comingled. There's no way to determine which dollars in the account were inherited and which were marital so they were all marital as the law goes. Don't expect the law to be fair. Expect lawyers to be evil incarnate. Just know that the precedences become the rules. You might have more available than you expect, even if you have to pull some strings to get it.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 9, 2023 4:44:15 GMT -5
Lawyers take credit cards. It's very obvious to me that your husband is trying to leave you and is trying to take everything with him. You needn't worry about tipping your hand by charging the retainer. Your husband probably already has a lawyer. Also, even if the credit card is only in your own, what you charge on it would be considered a joint debt so if you divorce, your husband would be responsible for half of that debt just as you'd be owed half of the financial assets even if he moved money and changed accounts to put that info only in his name.
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